blooming-basil

[blooming-basil]

Is everything alright? (I don't really remember following this blog but I'm concerned nonetheless)

I appreciate the concern! It's a very intense, months-long situation that I'm not really up to airing out on Basil's account; I'm sorry to concern you!

[blooming-basil]

Talk to either of them.

Hi! You're going to be the reason anon gets turned off everywhere! If you're going to threaten me, show your face- thanks!

[blooming-basil]

I think I feel like a waste of space tonight...

[blooming-basil]

My knees sure do hurt today; I woke up with the right one slightly twisted again, but not too badly, so I should be okay. Unfortunately, I have things to do today...

[blooming-basil]

Ithink I'm having my first dereality episode.

I don't think I've ever felt this melancholy... my room is dark and scary, and I'm in so much pain. These feelings... I know growing and becoming your own person can involve learning to handle all facets of life, but this feels... excessive. I'm not supposed to feel this way. I'm... scared. And I need to leave. It's not safe here. I know it's supposed to be, but something's about to happen and I know it is and isn't can't escape it and I'm using my little tether to reality to acknowledge that this... isn't real but it fully feels it and I'm...

Someone make it safe, I just want to be safe, someone make it safe, I just...

[blooming-basil]

I'll even add some of my favorite ways to provide help to yourself and your system, from a caretaker who loves to clean:

1. That bottle/wrapper that another headmate swore they'd throw away and didn't? Get that for them, especially if they're prone to feeling shame over forgetting. Let them forget that they ever forgot.

2. Make a to-do list with add many or as few tasks as you need to. Too many small tasks making it hard to start? Use fewer. Big tasks feeling too daunting? Make a bunch of mini tasks to keep motivated. I personally like the mini tasks because it feels like you're getting through it faster and overcoming the block way more easily.

3. Start a clothes pile when you see something out of place. Literally just... that sock? Put it on top of the shirt that's next to the door. When you pass by the beanie that needs washing, add that. You don't need to take it all as soon as you see it; just keep it in one place so laundry isn't such a daunting task.

4. Going off of the above, remove an entire step in the process, if you can and if it'll help. Gathering up dishes/laundry so whoever does those can grab them in one go (or even taking them yourself to remove two steps!), putting dirty dishes directly into the dishwasher instead of the sink, hanging all of the hangers in your closet so all someone has to do is bring the basket in and grab one- you get the point.

5. For more intense cleaning, I do the box method. You take a box, and you choose a starting point. Whatever you put in the box doesn't need to be put away immediately; but once the box is full, you need to start putting things back. Say you put everything from the top of your desk and its drawers into the box, and you go to do the bedside table when you notice the box is full; now you have two choices: start putting things away, or remove something from the box. Maybe you see you have a big item in there that goes in the living room, something that'll give you way more space to put the beside items in the box. You don't even need to finish the box. Everything will be out of the way, and you know where to look when you need something from it; when you're done with whatever you got from the box, immediately put it where it belongs. My ADHD brain really likes this one because it allows me to have my organized yet disorganized piles while also allowing the environment to be visually clean.

Sometimes it feels like there's nothing better than being a caretaker alter. Like... do I want to do this thing? No, not particularly.

But, I know we'll wake up tomorrow and be happy that someone finally made the bed, and we're finally going to bed warm. I know that there'll be a little less anxiety going into the laundry room. We'll feel so relieved because someone remembered to put our pills in a spot where we can see them. I think of our younger alters being able to find their comfort items with ease, our frequent fronters being less overwhelmed... and it makes me happy that I can be the reason.

Will they thank me? No. Will they think about me when they open the drawer and notice it's all neat and they can finally wash their face and feel clean? Probably. It's fine even if they don't.

And I feel the same way about those outside of the system, too! I want everyone to feel like they have someone to go to, not just our closest bonds. Heck, I want to make people who will only ever talk to me once come out of that interaction with something meaningful; I want to give them something that'll improve their life far after they've forgotten about me as a person.

[blooming-basil]

Sometimes it feels like there's nothing better than being a caretaker alter. Like... do I want to do this thing? No, not particularly.

But, I know we'll wake up tomorrow and be happy that someone finally made the bed, and we're finally going to bed warm. I know that there'll be a little less anxiety going into the laundry room. We'll feel so relieved because someone remembered to put our pills in a spot where we can see them. I think of our younger alters being able to find their comfort items with ease, our frequent fronters being less overwhelmed... and it makes me happy that I can be the reason.

Will they thank me? No. Will they think about me when they open the drawer and notice it's all neat and they can finally wash their face and feel clean? Probably. It's fine even if they don't.

And I feel the same way about those outside of the system, too! I want everyone to feel like they have someone to go to, not just our closest bonds. Heck, I want to make people who will only ever talk to me once come out of that interaction with something meaningful; I want to give them something that'll improve their life far after they've forgotten about me as a person.

[blooming-basil]

More things it is, because I'm remembering and this is my blog, so I can add whatever I want:

It's camping outside and thinking I was going to get eaten by wolves or bears or coyotes. It's the taste of inhalers, and the feeling of my lungs being frozen and coughing until the muscles around them finally relaxed enough to breathe again. It's my first panic and anxiety attacks. It's the fear of deep water and being punished by having to retrieve a bowling ball from nine feet of pool. It's feeling like I wasn't good enough for anyone. It's going to the hospital to see my dad when, you know... he's not dead or anything-! It's... being scared, and alone, and desperate.

... it's also Pokémon cards, those are very important.

Finding out where you exist in your system's lifetime is... strange. Like, well, I found out that I probably formed during our preteen to early teen years! Hence my, you know... being twelve.

My system has a tendency to "recycle" the consciousnesses that no longer serve a defined purpose... so while it's true I wasn't always "Basil", I was always... me. This pocket of memories and functions just got a new coat of paint (identity). It all kind of fits into place, you know?

I feel like I like a lot of what we liked then, and dislike what we disliked. I have a lot of vivid memories of things like summer camp and school that blend in with my source memories very easily, to make up for the things my brain forgot about or dissociated from (such as going on camp trips and, instead of sitting next to my friend of the day, I'm next to Sunny... or instead of our past campmates, I'm playing dodgeball- and dodging for my life- against Kel and Aubrey... or Kel getting banned from the fire pit for obvious reasons... or the snapping turtles! I know Sunny loved them; he'd just stare into the water looking for them, and I- wait, okay, this isn't memories story time, I'm sorry!).

It's all really light and nostalgic. I don't have everything from back then, of course! I know others in my system have things that just don't fit with my "lore" (our brain loves very neat categories, so anything that doesn't really align with the experiences I most relate to don't get given to me; it creates a very linear, separated narrative where nothing can be out of place).

... that was also when we started realizing we were not cis. Or straight. Maybe that's why my whole deal is just... sheer panic right now. What am I? I have no idea! Haha... ha... h..........................

[blooming-basil]

It's also "Dumb Ways to Die", which is terrifying. Why was that popular? Why did everyone have that on their phone? Why?

Finding out where you exist in your system's lifetime is... strange. Like, well, I found out that I probably formed during our preteen to early teen years! Hence my, you know... being twelve.

My system has a tendency to "recycle" the consciousnesses that no longer serve a defined purpose... so while it's true I wasn't always "Basil", I was always... me. This pocket of memories and functions just got a new coat of paint (identity). It all kind of fits into place, you know?

I feel like I like a lot of what we liked then, and dislike what we disliked. I have a lot of vivid memories of things like summer camp and school that blend in with my source memories very easily, to make up for the things my brain forgot about or dissociated from (such as going on camp trips and, instead of sitting next to my friend of the day, I'm next to Sunny... or instead of our past campmates, I'm playing dodgeball- and dodging for my life- against Kel and Aubrey... or Kel getting banned from the fire pit for obvious reasons... or the snapping turtles! I know Sunny loved them; he'd just stare into the water looking for them, and I- wait, okay, this isn't memories story time, I'm sorry!).

It's all really light and nostalgic. I don't have everything from back then, of course! I know others in my system have things that just don't fit with my "lore" (our brain loves very neat categories, so anything that doesn't really align with the experiences I most relate to don't get given to me; it creates a very linear, separated narrative where nothing can be out of place).

... that was also when we started realizing we were not cis. Or straight. Maybe that's why my whole deal is just... sheer panic right now. What am I? I have no idea! Haha... ha... h..........................

[blooming-basil]

And I guess what does and doesn't define my lore when it comes to our brain and body's history is really interesting; it's Boy Scout trips (and really wanting to be a Boy Scout, since we went with family), it's the long days of summer camp (specifically the camps focused on, like... field trips, sleepaway, swimming... and the snow cone truck, and free swim Fridays... my friends and I making impossible hopscotch and the summer sun being too bright to see through... watching the other kids go through the secret tunnel they found in our cabin...), it's our pet turtles and blowing bubbles out of the second story window, it's all of those times living with our relatives and preferring to hang out with their dogs, it's climbing the peach tree because I will not show up to my grandmother's house without something fresh from our yard, it's the unrecognized parts of our conditions (physical, mental, neurological, developmental...), it's deciding that quiet reading is much better than socializing, it's inhaling book after book about feline society and fairy novels and dog facts and anything else we could get our hands on, it's library trips with arts and crafts, it's playing our DS in the car after a family gathering (you know, being so tired because I sat in a room all by myself playing with a wooden bunny puzzle on the floor), it's the beach and almost getting swept away by the waves, it's a looming fear with no face and no name and no sound... it's trampolines, it's birthday parties, it's museums (but not the one we worked at...), it's being bad at sports but amazing at card and board games because strategy comes so much easier than moving, it's-

Half of this is just me describing being disabled, huh...?

Finding out where you exist in your system's lifetime is... strange. Like, well, I found out that I probably formed during our preteen to early teen years! Hence my, you know... being twelve.

My system has a tendency to "recycle" the consciousnesses that no longer serve a defined purpose... so while it's true I wasn't always "Basil", I was always... me. This pocket of memories and functions just got a new coat of paint (identity). It all kind of fits into place, you know?

I feel like I like a lot of what we liked then, and dislike what we disliked. I have a lot of vivid memories of things like summer camp and school that blend in with my source memories very easily, to make up for the things my brain forgot about or dissociated from (such as going on camp trips and, instead of sitting next to my friend of the day, I'm next to Sunny... or instead of our past campmates, I'm playing dodgeball- and dodging for my life- against Kel and Aubrey... or Kel getting banned from the fire pit for obvious reasons... or the snapping turtles! I know Sunny loved them; he'd just stare into the water looking for them, and I- wait, okay, this isn't memories story time, I'm sorry!).

It's all really light and nostalgic. I don't have everything from back then, of course! I know others in my system have things that just don't fit with my "lore" (our brain loves very neat categories, so anything that doesn't really align with the experiences I most relate to don't get given to me; it creates a very linear, separated narrative where nothing can be out of place).

... that was also when we started realizing we were not cis. Or straight. Maybe that's why my whole deal is just... sheer panic right now. What am I? I have no idea! Haha... ha... h..........................

[blooming-basil]

Finding out where you exist in your system's lifetime is... strange. Like, well, I found out that I probably formed during our preteen to early teen years! Hence my, you know... being twelve.

My system has a tendency to "recycle" the consciousnesses that no longer serve a defined purpose... so while it's true I wasn't always "Basil", I was always... me. This pocket of memories and functions just got a new coat of paint (identity). It all kind of fits into place, you know?

I feel like I like a lot of what we liked then, and dislike what we disliked. I have a lot of vivid memories of things like summer camp and school that blend in with my source memories very easily, to make up for the things my brain forgot about or dissociated from (such as going on camp trips and, instead of sitting next to my friend of the day, I'm next to Sunny... or instead of our past campmates, I'm playing dodgeball- and dodging for my life- against Kel and Aubrey... or Kel getting banned from the fire pit for obvious reasons... or the snapping turtles! I know Sunny loved them; he'd just stare into the water looking for them, and I- wait, okay, this isn't memories story time, I'm sorry!).

It's all really light and nostalgic. I don't have everything from back then, of course! I know others in my system have things that just don't fit with my "lore" (our brain loves very neat categories, so anything that doesn't really align with the experiences I most relate to don't get given to me; it creates a very linear, separated narrative where nothing can be out of place).

... that was also when we started realizing we were not cis. Or straight. Maybe that's why my whole deal is just... sheer panic right now. What am I? I have no idea! Haha... ha... h..........................

[blooming-basil]

I think I'm mentally not doing okay... I'm fronting a lot more, and that makes me happy, but... I also feel so destructive...

[blooming-basil]

I was so sure I was aromantic, but I also kind of like the idea of being semi-romantic-but-also-not-entirely with someone? That's... a weird development...

[blooming-basil]

UMAOUMITSURUGI2 on twt

[blooming-basil]

Sometimes, I wish I could find sourcemates like the others can... but that probably would never happen. I don't really have anything in common with other fictives from my source. I'm just... nothing bad had happened yet where I'm from! Maybe I'm partly Headspace Basil, but... I'm mostly just twelve-year-old Faraway Basil. It's... I don't know. Lonely? It's good that I don't have the bad memories and emotions that Mari and Aubs have, but there's also just... this lack of connection. I don't know.

[blooming-basil]

Could I request a Real World Basil (OMORI) moodboard with themes of sunflowers?

I really hope this is what you were looking for! I don't know anything about Omori...

[blooming-basil]

ADHD brain hack: don’t clean the entire room.

Just pick up five things.

Five is a nice, round, attainable number. Your room won’t be fully clean, but you’ll have Improved the Space, even if only slightly, and it helps combat the “oh no I haven’t done anything today this space is getting gradually messier” feeling.

It also helps me when I’m having a REALLY hard time getting out of the “oh gosh where do I start there’s just so much” overwhelm because I don’t have to deal with ALL of it. Just the five easiest out-of-place objects. A pair of socks can count as two things if you’re having a bad day.

For example; I’m finally getting up to pee after willing myself to do so for like an hour. Already on my feet, so might as well put Shoes in the shoe spot, laundry in the basket, mug in the sink - that’s three things already! Toss a couple pieces of trash, and you’ve done it!! Every tiny bit helps!

For extra Modivational Juice, try to do this in a short time period, like while your water boils or you’re heating something in the microwave. The false sense of urgency gives me the Speed to get the five things done Fast!