bloomingbella

[bloomingbella]

The Day My Parent’s Marriage Ends

Today is a day, I never thought would come. But wanted so badly to come true. After more than 25 years, my mother and father are finally divorcing. I was supposed to be a witness at the court hearing today. I was supposed to be there to oppose my mother’s insane requests, but at the last moment, I decided against going. I called my father, trying not to cry, to tell him I just felt like I had to remain neutral, as much as I hate what my mother has done and continues to do, I just can’t. It’s mostly my fault, I called her yesterday, and to my dismay, we had a great conversation. I do that a lot though, where I forgive easily. It’s the same with my father though, he’s made mistakes in the past that I still resent, but often forget. They’re both horrid parents. They never should have been parents, they married too young, it was never a healthy relationship. I feel the pain of not being able to help the situation pulse through my heart, my face, my eyes. 

I keep wishing and throwing it out in the universe that by some miracle, the judge will see that selling the house will be enough, that she won’t end up getting more than that, because my father doesn’t have the money she thinks he has. She always thought he was rich, when really it was her. She wouldn’t pay a dime. She would just take it all. So of course the house isn’t enough, she always wanted more. Reason I hate and despise money. I come from a parent who is obsessed with it and utterly selfish, while the other parent victimizes himself and pretends the world is out to get him. Like I said, they’re both terrible parents. They’re not terrible people, I will always defend them in that. But damn do they suck at caring for their kids. 

My brothers aren’t going either and I’m so relieved that they aren’t. I know my mental state would be off the wall if I knew they were. They’re all younger than me, they’re some of my favorite people in this world, and I love them. I had to care for them for most of my life and I still do from a distance. I moved last year, mid pandemic, mostly because, I had a chance to get out and I took it. And while I feel more free of the unwanted responsibilities I had back home, I often feel bad about it. Like I abandoned them and left them to deal with our parent’s bullshit. 

Because I did. I ran away from the problems. I guess I suck too.

I started therapy last week. I’ve had two sessions. And of course, she mentioned to either talk out loud to process my thoughts, or write. I used to journal a lot when I was younger and I do enjoy it, so why not go on Tumblr and speak here? I always wanted to blog anyways. Other than that, the therapy has been helpful. Honestly just talking to someone and telling them about how I truly feel and my secrets, has been so liberating. I even told my husband a secret I’ve had for so long now, that I never thought I would. But we can talk about that on later. 

Anyways, I’ll update you later on how the divorce proceedings go. Can’t. Wait.