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Ummmm....you ok????

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Ummmm....you ok?

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Into the spiderverse inspired me...(slight spoilers)

Have you ever had a dream where you could do something superhuman?  Perhaps flying through the sky, the wind rushing through your hair? The adrenaline rush is like no other, and it brings absolute joy into nothing less than your whole being. Maybe it’s swimming underwater; the lack of breath is for once not suffocating and the pressure of water surrounds you with security.  In this dream, you could stay forever.  Personally, I have had both these dreams and dreams of so much more.

               One such example of so much more happens to be with superheroes.  Who hasn’t known a superhero that they love, or even like?  Everyone likes something or someone they can look towards as an example, or someone who can never lose.  Maybe it’s someone who they can relate to, though they are so much more. I happen to love Spiderman.  I know I can get a bit obsessive over the things I enjoy, and his stories are some that I have really delved into. Comics, movies, games, even fanfiction; I’ve seen it all.  During these times, I must admit, I have had dreams that I had his powers.  The powers to defy gravity or perhaps meet it; to fall hundreds of feet, smiling in ecstasy, to catch myself at the last moment and swing higher.  

               When you wake from these dreams, happiness flows through you.  You have experienced something you could never in all reality do.  Only in the world of dreams it happens, and you are lucky enough to have it happen.  At some point, maybe you are envious too?  The happiness of that moment stuck and all you want is to experience it again. You can only experience it in dreams, so all you can hope for is for that dream to happen again.

               What if instead of flying, or swimming, or swinging in dreams, it was something as simple as running that gave you that feeling? Maybe jumping on one foot, or ice skating?  Recently, my dreams haven’t been of traversing the skies above or swimming the deepest oceans.  They have been of running on solid ground.  Running without a limp, running free from fear of pain or injury.  Running with a smile on my face, even though the burning in my lungs tells me to stop.  

               Then I wake up.

               Here is the thing; I have never enjoyed running. I dreaded running a mile in P.E., always being the last and gasping for air.  I hated running out of breath minutes before others, and felt like an elephant trying to outrun an antelope.  However, a year and a month ago, I hurt my leg.  It was more than just a sprain that brought me down.  I had surgery nearly a year ago to fix it, so at this point in time for the injury it was, mechanically it is better. My doctor said it is nice and strong.

               I imagined being down for two weeks.  I was told crutches would last that long, so after I would be out.  I was told to expect my brace on for about 6 weeks.  Though I would need physical therapy, I would be able to hike by 8 weeks, run by 2 months, and be back in yoga by then.  I could be back into high contact sports 6 months’ afterword.  I expected to do this; it’s like following a list of steps.  I could do those when the time hit.  It shouldn’t be that difficult, right?

               It was nothing like that.  After surgery was so much pain, and I feared getting up for the bathroom.  God forbid I needed a shower.  Working caused me so much pain that I needed constant painkillers.  I had to teach myself to walk again, and without a brace, I was terrified.  Each skill I learned took time, patience, pain, and a lot of sweat and tears.  Yet, a year after, I still have pain if I trip or do too much.  If I step wrong, my leg collapses on me.  When I walk up stairs, I have a strange limp that won’t go away.  My running looks like an ugly gallop.  I’m scared to do any new activity.

               Running, something that comes so naturally to most, something I once despised, now feels like that oh so coveted superpower.  It’s the thing I dream of doing, the thing that seems so far out of reach.  But hey, this piece isn’t about pity.  Though I shed a tear writing this, though I dreamed of this yesterday, it’s a piece about hope.

               I have seen a movie recently.  This movie happens to be called Spiderman: into the Spiderverse.  Yes, it’s a superhero movie, about my absolute favorite superhero.   Yes, I may be called a bit childish for loving superheroes at 28, but in my opinion, we can learn so many from these fictional figures. These people often embody power and strength, immunity and invincibility.  Delve deeper in the stories though, and you see someone who is, though gifted, quite flawed.  In the previously mentioned movie, you see a Spiderman who is the hero of the city. He has everything: a happy marriage, amazing abilities, a wonderful image, merchandise, even a CD in his name. He admits that he gets beat up all the time, but the most important thing is to always get up every time you fall. He gets up.  Every time he falls, every time he gets crushed, he gets up. Yet, 20 minutes into the movie, the unthinkable and unexpected happens; he falls and doesn’t get up.  This idol, this symbol of heroism, dies in front of a teenager who thought he was invincible.  This teenager is left with an impossible mission that was supposed to be completed by the legendary Spiderman.  Though he is given supernatural abilities early on, he doesn’t know how to use them, and there is no longer a teacher to help him learn.    

               Now picture this: you are told to complete a triathlon.  You need to do it in one month’s time.  In addition, you are alone in this endeavor and, though might be capable with time, don’t live the lifestyle for it.  In addition, you are competing against people who have trained their whole lives.  Is this possible for you?

               Such is the story of this teenager.  He fears the powers he has, as he cannot control them; they are only a burden upon him.  He fears the mission he has been given.  He has been told to always get up, yet he is too afraid to get near anything that will cause him to fall.  He is at a stalemate because he is told, by himself and others, that he is not good enough.

               Isn’t this just like the problems we face every day? We may not have to face beasts, or stop a black hole, but what about the time you lost that job of yours?  Maybe a time where you were told by a loved one that you will never be enough?  Have you been in a position where, perhaps, you were to lose your paycheck, car, house, or even loved one?  For me, it was and still is my recovery.  I, like this teenager, have a goal in front of me, yet most times am too afraid to approach it.  Fear of failure and injury are always in front of me.  I cannot get up again because I haven’t taken the first step forward.

               However, near the end of the movie, this teenager shows potential and capability.  Yet, he is stuck in place.  He cannot control his powers, and he cannot move forward with his mission.  Doesn’t capability without confidence lead to inability? This boy asks himself “when do I know I’m Spiderman?”

               The response “you don’t.  That’s all it is: a leap of faith.”

               A leap of faith.  That therein is the most frightening part.  It’s the part that stops us from taking that new job, or moving to that different place.  It’s the part that halts us from leaving a relationship or starting one.  It’s the part that stops me from attempting to run and play tag with my little nephews, that stops me from hiking unknown trails and experiencing life like I have.

                So, how do you know that you’re ready for that leap? You never will.  However, the time may come that you may need to.  The time came for this teenage boy, and he took that leap.  Because he did, he saved the city.  He knows now he has the powers he needs to protect others and be the Spiderman that the people need.  Superheroes might be fiction, and the stories told of them might be unrealistic.  But through those stories, we see reflections of ourselves and something to look up to.  I’ve never been ready for that leap, and nothing scares me more than taking it. But because of that movie, I’ve been doing more than I thought I could.  I still can’t run correctly, and when I go on the treadmill to try, I’m still terrified.  The important part though is that I try.  I’m done being afraid; I’m ready for the leap.