bluemindspring

[bluemindspring]

My Dear Friend Peter, we miss you at work with us everyday. You were, and still will be, our leader always.

- Oliver via Instagram.

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So today I watched this interview with the Star Trek: The Next Generation cast and they demonstrate the phenomenon "space ship acting"

and they all go

and it just cracks me up, ESPECIALLY Sir Patrick Stewart

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trying to get irl friends into watching mash is insane, i'll be like "have you heard about this critically-acclaimed, emmy-award-winning, 11-seasons-long sitcom-turned-dramedy that established the A-plot-B-plot structure of modern tv writing and to this day holds the all-time record for the most concurrent viewers on a single episode of any tv show ever?" and they'll be like "no i haven't!"

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in your room

your burning eyes

cause flames to arise

will you let the fire die down soon?

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rest easy

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soot&beef

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my first offering to the merlin fandom, good god i'm so obsessed. look at what i've done to my boy.

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The way Buck is treated is absolutely heartbreaking.

On the surface yes, maybe the 118 does look like a found family unit. And most of them have a good family bond with one another. But not with Buck. (Long rant below the cut)

Buck has the biggest heart out of anyone on the show. He is constantly going out of his way to help people. This is particularly prominent with Eddie, but he does this for so many characters.

He lets Hen, Eddie and Chim stay with him during the lockdown, never asks them to help pay rent, and then later lets Albert stay with him with no complaint.

He is constantly babysitting Chris and later Jee while their respective parents go do other things, and while he clearly loves spending time with them this is definitely a massive favor on his part because babysitting kids is hard work.

He is always there to support them when they need it.

He’s the one that prompts them to check on Bobby in season 1.

He is there for Chim as best he can when Maddie leaves.

When Maddie shows up at his apartment in Season 2 he doesn’t get angry with her for essentially breaking into his home and helping herself to a bottle of wine. And instead helps her settle down with a safe new job and becomes her shoulder to cry on during this period.

He drops everything when Eddie asks for his help, when Eddie mentions issues with childcare and paperwork for Chris Buck introduces him to Carla.

When Eddie has to bring Chris to the station Buck calls ahead so Bobby can get permission.

When Eddie gets shot Buck takes over Chris’s care without prompting.

When Eddie has issues with parenting Chris he calls Buck for help and Buck helps.

When Eddie has a meltdown and takes a bat to the wall, not only does Buck drop everything and run to help him, he also goes further by taking eddie to see the kid they saved the day he was shot.

Whenever Eddie needed anything Buck was there.

When Eddie desperately needed a sub letter so that he could move Buck went and took over the lease.

When he found out Eddie was moving he went and did what he could to help him despite being devastated.

Whenever anyone needed anything, Buck was there. And Buck was always happy to do it.

But when Buck was feeling abandoned after the embolism no one reached out, instead Eddie dumped Chris on him under the pretense of getting him out and about and stop moping for the day.

When Maddie left, no one thought to ask Buck how he was doing. Instead they focused entirely on Chim. And when Chim punched Buck no one at any point stood up for Buck, instead going on about how Chim is under a lot of distress right now as though Buck isn’t also feeling the loss and worry of his Sister up and leaving.

When Buck filed the lawsuit they almost all immediately went and put all the blame on Buck. Hen was the only one to point out that they were all Buck had, that he had no other family outside the 118. Despite that they still punished him, Eddie taking his anger out on Buck because the lawsuit meant Buck couldn’t bail him out and he couldn’t spend time with Chris and never once saying he missed Buck too. He was pissed because Buck couldn’t drop everything and help him. He was accused of being reckless and impulsive and using their own issues for his own gain and for being selfish and stupid and exhausting despite the fact that he was being treated unfairly. He was hurt, and alone and just needed a hug.

When Buck found out about Daniel and distanced himself from Maddie, Chimney started borderline harassing Buck trying to get him to talk to her, despite a) Buck having had a major bombshell dropped on him, getting his entire life put into a new perspective based on this information, and finding out why his parents treated him the way they did and so needing to process, and B) Buck repeatedly setting boundaries and saying he needed space to process and he’d talk to Maddie when he was ready. Chimney completely ignores Buck’s boundaries as though what Buck needs or wants doesn’t matter because Maddie is upset and wants to talk to him, and only her desires and emotional well being have any level of importance and despite asking for space she literally ambushes him at work to force a conversation he is not ready for. And no one else tries telling Chim to leave Buck alone, and then Eddie only has a half assed conversation with Buck despite being his so called best friend, where he basically dismisses Buck’s feelings and tells him he’s over reacting.

When Eddie was leaving and Buck was upset he was repeatedly accused of making it about himself, being selfish, unreasonable, unsupportive and a jerk when he literally just found out from nowhere that Eddie made a down payment just overheard his best friend basically dismiss their friendship (“I have no ties here, everything that matters is in Texas”) he gets judged and berated for being upset, as though he’s not allowed to have feelings, and when he tries to apologize for his snarkiness gets once again berated and when he finally tells Eddie that he took over the lease and thus he can move, aka the ultimate supportive action, not once does Eddie apologize.

When Buck breaks up with Tommy no one bothers to really check in with him on a deeper level, instead they dismiss his wants by stealing his phone so that he can’t call him and then no one brings it up again despite him clearly still being devastated for every following episode.

When Buck gets SA’d by the therapist he is immediately getting made fun of, and accused of being a manwhore and essentially blamed for being assaulted. No one ever, not once, bothers to wonder if he’s doing alright.

And when Buck is still waiting for Abby to come back rather than being supportive or anything like that he gets laughed at for living in his girlfriend’s apartment and being dumb enough to think she’ll come back.

When Eddie gets a new friend he immediately starts spending all his free time with that friend and never inviting Buck, even if they were planning something Buck would enjoy, instead asking if Buck can babysit (his kid is 14/15 at this point and just because he has CP I still think he can spend a couple of hours home alone. He’s not bedridden or anything.) and basically ignoring his supposed best friend in favor of his shiny new friend.

Whenever Buck needed anything he was laughed at, belittled and dismissed. They constantly take advantage of his kindness. Buck gives and gives and gives to them and gets nothing back. He is only wanted when he can be useful and when they need him. They take and take and take and the second Buck needs even a small amount of empathy or help he gets accused of being selfish, needy, exhausting, of making everything about him, of overreacting. He is essentially told, over and over that he is not allowed to have feelings or boundaries. He is not allowed to need help he can only give help. He is only valued when he can do something for someone else and godforbid he ever ask for the same consideration because otherwise he’s being needy. He makes everyone else his priority and never is he anyone’s priority in return.

Until Tommy anyway, he finally had someone who would take care of him, who acknowledged his feelings and showed him they were valid, who clearly adored all of Buck and never asked him for anything and indulged in his quirks and who was happy to be there for him, who complimented him and who overall clearly adored Buck. Even before they were dating when Tommy saw that Buck clearly was feeling left out he went over to his place to apologize, despite not actually doing anything wrong himself.

I seriously think that if Tommy saw how they all treated Buck he’d lose the delusion that they are basically a family really fast and promptly get pissed on Buck’s behalf. He’d also do everything in his power to help Buck realize that he matters as a person.

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Okay, how much time do I have? 3 seconds? Sure, I can work with that.

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buck + hugs

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We know that Buck has essentially been a glass child his entire life, ignored in the face of his parent's grief and not allowed to ever get to know or grieve his brother as a result. And he learned, from a very early age, the only way to get any kind of attention from his parents was to injure himself. Cue the recklessness. It's not that he doesn't necessarily care if he gets hurt or not, it's that he wants to get hurt. He wants his parent's love and affection, he wants to feel like he actually exists in that house, and he only gets that when he's recovering. But you can only live like that for so long before it starts to drive you crazy.

And then Maddie leaves. This is not a strike against Maddie in any way, but to Buck, this is Earth-shattering. The only solid foundation he had in his life, the only person who's ever seen and loved him unconditionally, is now gone. And he acts out, because now he's stuck alone in a house with parents who ignore him until he's experiencing some type of grievous bodily injury. (And this becomes habit for him, later in his adult life, and he starts to be reckless because he believes he is expendable, and the people he's helping are not. He's replaceable.) And this, in turn, causes his parents to think he's some reckless idiot fuck-up, because he's constantly being reckless and getting hurt. He just wants to feel alive, and loved.

This is what I think the root cause of his general fuckboy-ness was in season 1, and the obsession with body fat and general appearance and looking cool we see in the first few seasons. Now that he's older, and especially now that he's fled the nest, there's no way to seek attention and affection from his mother. So, he seeks it from women. He needs validation, assurance, a connection even if it's short-lived. He needs to feel some type of intimacy because he's so starved for it. So he seeks out women, and how, in a young man's mind, do you do that? Be the hot firefighter, be the muscular and lean guy, be charismatic and charming. And what's the quickest and easiest way to feel some type of intimacy when you're not sure how to build a meaningful relationship and quite frankly don't have the patience? Sex.

And then he meets Abby, and experiences that for the first time, he can have a deep, emotional connection with somebody and feel that emotional intimacy, and now that's what he craves. But he still isn't quite sure how to build that, how to replicate that after Abby leaves. All he knows is he wants this, and he has to cling onto it whether he has genuine feelings or not, so as soon as he feels any crack in the relationship, he panics and clings and clings and clings and pushes for more, for more serious, anything to make it harder to leave him because that is his biggest fear.

And because he's so worried about everyone leaving him and being left completely alone, he becomes self-centered. Not because he doesn't care about other people, but because he cares about other people so much that he can't stand the idea of anybody he loves being mad at him, because he's learned that he's easy to toss aside. He's easy to ignore. He has to cling onto everyone around him so hard that it chafes, because he doesn't know any other way to keep people around. He doesn't realize he can be loved unconditionally, and every fight or issue isn't a cause for the other person to run for the hills. Because again, he's expendable, he's replaceable, he's nothing really special. He's so in his own head about his insecurities that he can't see how loved he is by everyone in his life.

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Buck: We’re playing Scrabble. It’s a nightmare.

Chim: Scrabble? Scrabble’s great.

Buck: Not when you’re playing with Hen, it’s not. She put words like “ephemeral” and I put “dog.”

(x)

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Eddie and Chris watching Buck dancing around the kitchen baking cookies and listening to a True Crime podcast at 3am.

Eddie:

Chris:

Eddie: I married this guy.

Chris: Yes.

Eddie: This is my life now.

Chris: Forever.

(x)

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Eddie: You just said "I love you" to me.

Buck, panicking: I say that all the time! Hey Ravi, I love you!

Ravi: Aww, I love you too, Buck.

Buck: See, it means nothing!

Ravi: Must you be so hurtful?

(x)

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Eddie: Hen told me you have a crush on me. Is that true?

Buck: Well, that’s interesting. You know why?

Eddie: Why?

Buck: Because- *runs away*

Eddie:

(x)

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Buck: There’s a monster under my bed and it’s really ugly.

Ravi, from the bottom bunk: Honestly, fuck you.

(x)

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Eddie, screaming in spanish:

Buck: Yeah, I know.

Chim: You speak spanish?

Buck: No, I just know the phrase "this is all your fault" in every language he speaks.

(x)