blueybunny

[blueybunny]

The last time we talk as student and teacher

TL;DR: I can text E againnnnnnnnnnnnnn (I’m sorry this is so long)

I’m a big mess of overflowing emotions today. For some context, I was supposed to go talk to E for the last time before I graduate.

The day started off really terribly. When I arrived at school, I immediately had a bad feeling about everything and my anxiety was exacerbated by the fact that I had had a nightmare the previous night. I went to E’s classroom but she was having a meeting that ran overtime. After waiting for what felt like forever, she came up to me and told me that she had a sudden change of plans and would only have a few minutes to chat with me today if I was willing to wait for her to finish her next class. I don’t know why but I kind of saw this coming. I did wait, of course, but at that moment I felt disheartened and quite disappointed. 

Then, before she ends the class, she suddenly comes up to me again and asks me if I would want to walk with her to another place where she needed to go. She even said that we wouldn’t be in a hurry and that she could be like 20 minutes late if we happened to take our time walking there. So, things started to look up again. I wait for her a bit and we head out. She was wearing a dress today since the weather was absolutely gorgeous.

We ended up walking quickly even though we didn’t intend to, E’s just naturally a fast walker (she has long legs, as she claimed today) and I even had to tell her she was practically speed-walking bc she said how she was ‘trying to go slow’. She complained about some of her students who still hadn’t finished their projects for summer and since she was in charge of them, she needed to spend extra time helping them (don’t get me wrong, she treats her students like she would probably treat her kids, so she’s not actually serious). She said how it was nice that she could let it out of her system then rather than being mad at her students lol (again, we have a weird dynamic). She also proudly told me about her sister’s kid again when I asked about her summer plans – she seems to know that I know who she’s talking about since she name-drops her family members like it’s second nature. She’s such a cool aunt, it’s adorable! E then went on to call me gifted/talented and at one point she said how “she’s good at things, but that’s about it”. Think again, E.

Since graduation is looming right around the corner, we talked about it a bit too and she said she tries to make it to the celebrations, which means I have a chance of seeing her then. 

Now for the best part. We didn’t talk for too long since we walked so fast, but at least it was more than 5 minutes. Since she will probably be making an appearance at my graduation, she didn’t say goodbye or anything yet. I was panicking a bit bc I really wanted to ask her if I could talk to her in the future too but I had a feeling she didn’t expect me to do so. After a small panic (and E urging the question out of me) I finally asked her. I can’t remember her initial reaction or what she said exactly but she didn’t seem taken aback by it and instead said it would be nice to catch up sometime (like she does with other ‘ex-students’ of her, her words lol) bc she likes hearing what people are up to. I was student-zoned so harddddddd and hearing her talk about other students like that got to me a bit since while it means she really cares about them, it made me feel less special and now I’m just one of her ‘ex-students’. Okay okay I’ve never ever been anything ‘special’ to her, it’s just that there was a time when I felt really close to her and I long for those moments. 

Anyway, getting to the point. E did specify that we wouldn’t be seeing each other nearly as often as in the past because, well, I’m going to uni so it would be a practical impossibility. I added that it would be weird if I kept doing the same thing I did up until this point (finding her at school in between my classes). Then I started wondering how I could ask her about her schedules. And this woman just says: “Oh, you still have my phone number right?” I– what? Of course I dreamed of this but I never thought she would be the one to suggest it, especially not like this!!! It literally comes full circle. So yeah, she allowed me to text her again (I don’t think she ever actually said no to it, I just assumed it would be decent of me to stop lol). And she also mentioned coffee, to which I had to say that she still owes me one and she said she does. I am so excited to finally, finally, do that with her, though there’s no guarantee it will happen this year lol. It depends on a lot of factors, but I can wait. It’s a date, E, so don’t you dare to bail on me!

We have a few rules now when it comes to texting: First, no texts over summer break since she needs her family time. Second, she can tell me she doesn’t have time and I won’t take it personally (long story related to this). It’s so funny she specified that. I asked her if I could maybe send her some photos next week and she said yes. 

I will probably post a follow-up to this later after I’ve recharged my batteries lol, there are a few things I would like to get off my mind. But, for now, I feel content. This was endgame (see my previous post), yes, but we’re moving onto a sequel now. It means a lot less chats with E, but hopefully plenty of new adventures. I hope we won’t drift apart because of how things will be from this point on, but at least she’s still in my life.

[blueybunny]

Tomorrow is endgame for me. I don’t know if me and E will resume talking after I’ve graduated, but all I know is that this will be the last time in a long, long while. I’m actually feeling quite happy for once, mostly because the last few conversations with E have been fairly delightful and comfortable for me. I’m not expecting anything from tomorrow, I just hope I at least get to say thank you.

[blueybunny]

I just felt like writing soooo here I go

I’ve been thinking about how I could potentially keep in touch with E. It’s going to be super awkward bringing up the topic but I feel like I need to take the chance and ask her directly because otherwise she won’t say anything lol. Things are already weird since it’s not really apparent in our conversations that I’m graduating soon – even the most recent one was perfectly normal. 

Here’s a list of suggestions regarding keeping in touch with her bc I love making lists:

best case scenario? She allows me to text her again. I still have her number though I’m not sure if it works anymore

email??? It would be nice to catch up that way too

I just come find her at school the same way I’ve done up until this point

she doesn’t want to talk to me again hahahahha... ha.

idk lol I ran out of ideas

I’ve said this before but I just want to make sure that whatever option is picked, she doesn’t comply just because she thinks she has to. It might be nice at first but will get tiring for her very quickly, and I don’t want to be seen as “extra work”.

Oh and another thing, I was going through my old school projects and discovered something I think is quite hilarious and now I really want to tell her about it. It would be nice to reminisce about stuff since I’ve known her for so long and, to be fair, we’ve been through a lot.

And lastly, here’s an excerpt from my journal:

Some people will teach you about life but aren’t there to live through it with you. (I was writing about how hard it is for me to leave people behind and it definitely applies to E, too) 

[blueybunny]

Updates once again

Heya, I went to see E today as planned. I was extremely tired since I hadn’t gotten much sleep the previous nights so I told myself I shouldn’t expect much.

I was super nervous when I got to school. For all I knew, this could’ve been the last time I was going to talk to E in a long, long time and I had been mentally preparing to say my goodbyes, just in case I needed to do so. E had almost the entire hour to just talk with me and I honestly can’t recall a time when we’ve last talked that long. I didn’t feel like an hour though. I kept staring at the clock, hoping it would last a little longer.

Then E came, looking gorgeous as usual. She had her hair down and kept it that way the entire time we spoke. The first thing she said was that her stomach was hurting & that she might need to go to the doctor. She told me that it was probably just stress, but that doesn’t sound too good either... I hope she’s going to be okay. It made me quite worried but she just brushed it off.

Then she asked me how I did in my finals, and I told her what I got. She hoped I recognised how good my results actually were and that I was proud of myself. We went on many, many tangents about friends (she told me about her bestie and her sisters), an epiphany I had, etc etc. she also showed me some stuff she had done in preparation for a class. I felt exhausted and wanted to cry when I told her about some of my struggles, and she wished she knew how to help or what to say, though she thanked me for telling her. It was really bittersweet, especially when I didn’t know if this was the last time we would be chatting like this. I was a bit scared, so to speak.

She did cheer me up a lot too, like she normally does. She has that kind of aura around her, I can’t help but feel a sense of relief and comfort. She has a very different way showing that she cares about people now that she doesn’t go above and beyond like she did once - she listens, she gives advice, she gives pieces of her limited time to talk about nonsensical and not-so-important stuff in the middle of the school day. We were talking about my gpa and when I said I only had 2 B’s in my diploma and that one of them was geography which I took in my first year. I had her as my teacher for that class and she still remembers it somewhat well, and she laughed adorably when I told her that. She’s too precious. 

Today was a bit anticlimactic in the sense that even though I consciously set my expectations low, I still had hoped we would have some sort of chat about me leaving school etc, since it’s happening soon. I’m mostly just curious about whether she’s willing to keep talking to me every now and then. As of yet, she hasn’t really addressed it and I’m scared to initiate that kind of conversation because I don’t want to seem too clingy or obsessive. I also don’t want her to agree to something just because she feels she needs to.

I said to her that I assumed she wouldn’t have any time after our chat today since she mentioned how busy she would be but surprisingly she told me I could come back in a few weeks right before I’m due to graduate, though this time we didn’t set up an official “date” so only time will tell if that actually happens. If it does, I think I have to bring up the whole “what next?” thing just because I’m really not sure what she thinks of it. I bet she won’t have as much time as she had today, but again, she’s awesome for even doing it in the first place. Now it’s another few weeks of waiting ahead for me, but it’s nothing I haven’t survived before. 

I just hope that I can have my “final” chat with her. I’m not really sure what to expect anymore, but I decided I would like to both thank her and apologise for everything. She has no idea how much she means to me (although I have confessed, lol) I will treasure the things she has done and said forever, and I can’t wait to tell other people that these types of humans exist, the ones who are selfless and infinitely caring and don’t hesitate to love you unconditionally.  Sometimes it feels somewhat sad to be carrying around all this love when I know I can’t really put it anywhere. I hope E won’t forget how powerful she is, how much she can alter the course of people’s lives just by being herself.

[blueybunny]

My TC: *walks past me and accidentally looks at me*

Me:

[blueybunny]

I’m out to her... technically.

I have never mentioned that I’m a lesbian but me confessing to her gave her a good reason to believe I’m not straight, at least. 

If the topic ever comes up, I’m most likely going to tell her the truth because I’ve always felt safe and comfortable around her and I think it would be extremely out of her character to not support the LGBTQ+.

In fact, there have been some rumours going around that E is bi, which I honestly don’t think she is but then again I wouldn’t be too surprised if she were a part of the LGBTQ+ herself (she’s not gay tho, she’s married... to a guy)

random question for all the lgbtq+ people in the Tcc: are you out to your Tc or would you come out to them ? 🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍⚧️

[blueybunny]

good things will happen 🧿

things that are meant to be will fall into place 🧿

[blueybunny]

Tag yourself: TCC edition

🍃 The Angel

Studies really hard to get good grades, thinks about their tc at every moment of the day, always taking notes, wouldn't dare to actually start a conversation with their tc, iced coffee instead of hot, probably has some really specific fantasies of what their ideal relationship would be like.

🥀 The Darer

Actually talks to their tc every chance they get, has inside jokes, can't sleep the night before seeing their tc, doesn't care what anyone thinks, has cried over their tc, elaborate romantic fantasies, has probably given their tc a card or gift, will openly show admiration for their tc.

❤️ The Romantic

Dreams about their tc all the time, doesn't have the guts to give their tc a gift, dresses up extra pretty for their tc's class, daydreams instead of doing homework, probably doesn't get the best grades, hair and makeup are always on point, smiles and pretty pens, listens to music about love.

✨ The Friend

Platonically attracted to their tc, would do anything to be able to text their tc, is late for class a little too often, just wants a hot chocolate and a hug, would absolutely trash their tc at a game of monopoly, will have casual conversation after class, a little shy but lovely nonetheless.

🔒The Secret Admirer

Would never tell anyone about their tc, pretends to dislike their tc just to avoid suspicion, but still gets butterflies in their stomach when they see their tc, trying to hide smiles during class, pretty makeup just for their tc, tries hard in class but doesn't get any attention.

[blueybunny]

I have a whole ass list of comfort characters who, in one way or another, remind me of E (and I’m not proud of it) – it might just be that I have a type but I’m afraid to admit otherwise

Okay question for all the fandom TC people: is it just me, or do others also latch onto fictional characters that remind them of their TC? I play TF2 and I grew an obsession with Spy because my TC is French and they both carry themselves in a similar way, so I was just curious if anyone else out there also developed crushes on characters because of their TC.

[blueybunny]

Grief is just love with no place to go.

– unknown // Art piece by Ikenaga Yasunari

[blueybunny]

ah shit im sorry man, my schedule for the week is all booked

[blueybunny]

been having a breakdown today about the fact that next wednesday might be my last chance to talk to E in a long, long while and I’m the opposite of prepared, like I have no idea what to expect or what to do for that matter and now I’m super scared... aight imma go cry now

[blueybunny]

[blueybunny]

✰ Intro ✰

I’ve had this blog for a while now and although one of my first posts was an introduction, I thought of updating it a bit since my views have shifted and so much has happened/changed that even I can’t keep up with it anymore. 

So, here I go! 

✰ I’m L (she/her), currently 19 and graduating in a month.

✰ I refer to my tc as E (she/her), and she’s in her thirties. Her main subject is Biology.

✰ I’ve had a crush on E for most of my time in hs, so nearly 4 years now. She was one of the first teachers I got to know when I entered hs.

✰ At the start of my 3rd (second to last) year of hs, my life caved in severely and I begun, somewhat unconsciously, opening up to E a lot about my struggles. She comforted me and made me feel loved & I can say that we were close. 

✰ if you stumble upon one my newer posts, know that a series of (unfortunate) events led me to rather impulsively confess my feelings to E and of course it fucked things up between us for some time. E has since said that everything’s okay, but I still feel an enormous amount of guilt and regret about what I did. Note that I didn’t confess because I believed she felt the same.

✰ As my time in high school is slowly coming to an end, I wonder what will come after. I will keep updating on what happens and I hope that I don’t have to say goodbye to E. Things will change for sure. 

✰ Here is the most important thing I’ve learned thus far:

DON’T confess, especially if your motive is something along the lines of “oh I bet they are in love with me too”. No matter how much you want your feelings to be reciprocated, you need to understand that if your tc were to do so, they would be a total creep. If E were to get involved with a student (including me), I would never forgive her because I trust her. And although I didn’t have any malicious intent with my confession, it was still wrong on so many levels. I got lucky, too – there is always a chance that your tc would tell someone (E kept it between us). 

Respect your tc’s boundaries; don’t take pictures of them, don’t ask them inappropriate questions, don’t stalk etc etc etc – if they’re truly worth your love, then they’re also worthy of your respect. Love them in silence, vent on tumblr, make something beautiful out of your blossoming feelings. 

also E if you ever find this blog I’m so sorry don’t kill me

[blueybunny]

Just a thought: whenever I feel like I only caused harm to E, I just have to remind myself that I single-handedly showed E where her boundaries were since she clearly wasn’t aware of them before and it makes me feel rather proud of myself :’)

[blueybunny]

Updates updates updates ~

After a few weeks of waiting, I finally got to talk to E again! Usually I tend to go ask her when she would be free without expecting her to have time immediately, but today I got lucky and we sat down for a bit before she had to go eat lunch. It wasn’t a lot of time but, again, I have to take what i get and be happy with it.

Anyway, we started the chat with me complaining about how stressed I was about my finals results and E tried to convince me again that I would do just fine & that she trusted my abilities. She then mentioned how she was very nervous about something related to a class she teaches currently (I can’t really elaborate on that but it was mainly E being concerned about her students’ grades and I think that’s just overly sweet awww and so like E). Then we went off on a tangent about a course I took a while back & we talked a bit about research stuff. Again, very small talk-ish conversation but I still really enjoyed it.

Nearing the end of the chat, she just suddenly says I could come again next week after my final grades are published (they are gonna be up sometime during the week, depending on how quick my teachers are lol), which I didn’t expect at all since normally I’m the one asking her when she’s free. She said that she doesn’t have much time this week because on top of work, she has thursday and friday off & thus won’t be at school. But holy hell was she happy when she told me that so I’m glad she can finally take some time off work. I know she puts her heart to everything she does, so she undoubtedly deserves this.

Before she left, she told me again to come back next week and she even wrote down the date in her agenda to make sure she remembers. She said she probably has closer to an hour to chat and I’m already super excited, though now I have to wait. I guess this gives me time to think about stuff I want to say to her, but I keep telling myself that I should just go with the flow instead, to see where it takes me. It’s going to be extremely difficult to graduate if she keeps stealing my heart like this, oof. Now we wait and see what the future holds.

[blueybunny]

Hello hello,

I went to talk to E today, super nervous as usual. I had no idea how much time she would have or if she would have any time at all, for that matter.

But, to my surprise, she was there almost immediately after I arrived - i thought I would need to wait for quite a while but it seemed she came super early. Then thing is though, she didn’t have any lessons before meeting up with me and i truly hope she actually had other business to take care of at school and didn’t come this early just to be disappointed by how lethargic I was lol.

I wanted to apologize for being a bit rude and almost demanding we talk this week, even though she assured me at first she would barely have any time. But, for some reason, I couldn’t say anything. We spoke for around 35-40 mins which was quite delightful (I can’t remember when she would’ve had more than 15 mins free). We chatted about moving, roommates, my finals and the like, so a very mundane conversation but it felt nice regardless. She told me rather proudly that she had actively tried to change her handwriting, telling me how it was “too teen-like” and that she had gotten too old for it. She had a very personalized handwriting before but she said how some students kept having difficulties understanding it haha. She also joked about being very petty towards her husband occasionally. Then she was very adamant that I did well in my finals although I told her otherwise, and she told me I need to trust myself more in that regard lol. When I told her I wanted to read more but my attention span came in the way, she suggested I listen to audiobooks and told how she likes to tan under the summer sun listening to bloody murder mysteries - this woman is full of contradictions.

She was wearing a very pretty purple sweater today and I think I kept staring at her way too much, oops. It got a bit awkward when I needed to leave because I wanted to say a lot of things but I chickened out again and just bluntly asked if I could come by next week. She said she was going to be super busy and that it would probably be best if I came back in a few weeks, though she made sure I was okay with that. I felt a bit sad afterwards because I had really hoped to see her again next week, especially since I’m running out of time. But she was very sweet about everything so I think I can wait - I’m not new to waiting, after all.

For the entirety of the time we spoke (or more like she spoke), I wanted to say something about what was going on with me recently and how I am actually not doing that well in terms of, well, really anything. I managed to urge my feelings back under my skin again since I had promised E to leave those things outside of our chats. She had told me that as long as I’m seeking professional help, I’m free to open up to her about difficult things because she knows there’s someone else supporting me and therefore she doesn’t have to worry. But even with professionals around, E is always the person who I’m most inclined to talk to. It has always been easy for me to open up, mostly because she’s so annoyingly good at listening and understanding. The problem is that that’s also the reason she nearly burned herself out a year ago. I can’t just walk to her and hope that she takes care of me like she did a while back, because she has changed and established boundaries. That’s the E i’m never getting back, though no matter how heartbreaking it is to me, I can’t bear seeing her so exhausted because of something I did.

But, at the end of the day, this E is better. She still continues to listen & understand because those qualities are so deeply intertwined with her overall personality. There are many things she does differently, but deep down she’s still the same E I have known all these years. I will forever be thankful for the fact that I have gotten to know this many sides of her.