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It’s wild:

I always thought that,

when you said you were afraid of losing me

you meant you were afraid to not do the most to secure my love

because you couldn’t live without me

Which I always expressed was a strenuous and extravagant act...

Little did I know you meant you were simply afraid of yourself

Of your beguiling propensity to sacrifice what you care about

And your alarming self sabotage

when it comes to defeating and denying

that which you desire most

The way you’d let go easily in the face of controversy

And how you’d hide your true feelings

In order to watch me pass you by

As another confirmation

Of love being an impossible figment

of your imagining

sad repose

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He was a breadcrumber

just like he'd been fed on;

small morsels

to last a lifetime

And then some

he could only love me as much

as he'd been plated up

and I starved myself to meet him

holding back my hunger

to feel his pain inside my veins

I allowed the small exchanges

he'd been taught from birth to our end

learning I wasn't as capable

of slowly dying

like him

passed on

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I think there might not be a point to life

it might just be

a million solitary pinpoints pricking

and prodding your flesh

to find your triggers

motivations

and releases

like needles pressing in at different vectors

again, and again

trying to elicit and evoke

a specific feeling

somewhere between need and dread

science experiment

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You said this and you once said that

You promised me this and you promised me that..

And I held onto them like sweet kisses in the night. And I trained myself to hold onto them even through the cold winter nights... turned to months... turned to years. To tide me over; to give me sustenance to remember forever what you had said. Knowing you couldn’t say it often enough for me... carved onto my heart to scar my human failings. Because I am too needy, I am too expecting... even though every day I’d dote on you easily. It's crazy... now that I realize I was living as you do, consuming with whisper thin lips, breadcrumbs to survive the long distance. To not ask too much of you... to be strong and resilient and not cry out for you... too much. I am realizing that I deserve so much more and so much better... that I often bend to the illness of my lovers and make their sickness my way of living... feeling selfish when I can’t relate or understand them, and make room for their plunging ailments... I am worth so much more than that. I deserve plentiful and abundant. I deserve you to tell me these things often and consistently without hesitation. I used to hold compliments and passionate moments from you like hidden secret cushioned treasures...I’d remember them with my whole heart to keep me from dying in the winter... how sad to think I’d trained myself to bend to you... when you could never do so much as to look up for once and reach for me

diary entry

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He’s never gonna show up for you

Not before showing up for himself

He’s never gonna give in

Not before it breaks you in half

He’s never gonna open his mouth

Not before the silence has you in tears

He’s never gonna admit he’s wrong

Not before you give up and disappear

He’s never gonna say I’m sorry

Before you lose your mind in waiting

He’s never gonna make plans with you

Without running in the opposite direction;

He’s never EVER gonna do anything to fix this

Even if your heart still wants him

He’ll never EVER be the “one”

So please believe him

personal mantra

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I find you earth shattering

and soul quakin'

cracking the foundation's of

my human escarpment

I'm in bed shaking

aching!

feelin' my sides parting

and I don't even know why,

but I'm spiraling

down into the exquisite hole

you've made for me

finding pieces of my- "self"

long abandoned, sacred

and awakening to the resources

I've always had

but never knew were mine;

lost until shown

my power inherently

unveiling

sleeping beauty

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I miss you so much

Sometimes I think it’ll never stop

Sometimes I think my heart will never stop breaking over you

Sometimes I think I’ll mourn you forever

I thought we had something special

I thought we were something special

The thought that this was special is killing me

now

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don't you miss this hot ass

this sweltering kiss

this intimate climate

my hot lips

yearning for the full touch

of your reach and pull

don't you want this tight

cunt

to swim in;

and dip your fingers between

delights of wonderings

knowing your fingers can only imagine

the whole thing

don't you miss being in me

clamped between my legs

deeper than the core of our knowing

can fathom

thrusting with relinquished reigns

knowing your pleasure is mine

and mine is yours

and when we go this full

its the joy of our beginning

to the end

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you recline back

in your seat

never moving forward

on repeat.

spiraling in circles

I grasp for anything

tired of reachin' out

while you sit in your seat

it's harsh to think

I'd always leaned forward

vulnerably

back sprinting towards you

bent woefully

wishing for you

hopefully!

reminiscing o'er the faint waft

of scented dreams in my sleep

lookin up

yearnin' to see

you mirroring me,

yet there you'd be,

still leanin' back in your seat

eyes distant and small

fully removed from the passion

of our heat

can't fathom it

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I feel you are squandering me

creating a barren, worried wasteland

of doubts and false shadows

cast by vengeful, burning suns

shed upon our corpses

bones scalded in the light

we were once fleshy;

blood poured through us

and fat was our abundance

as we fed upon each other

we lost the meat of our being

and now I'm a sad wreck without you

dumb fuck

I'm irrevocably inconsolable over our demise

dust scattered now

into the abyss of a dark maw

gasping for breath

infinite sadness

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hanging like a drying tie

on your thin wire line

I flap,

flap in the wind

useless in my efforts

to hold on

despite your best tries;

felled winds gust

all over my skin

sending me to a new land

a yard not so far away

but further than you would've

EVER taken me

mad over it

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I feel your heartbeat

a low thrum

against the soft pressure

of my thumb

thrust against the will

of your being

I'm excited to become

one

as I feel you rush in

blood beating a slow arduous

path to be found

oh,

I'll simply reach deeper

knowing I've won

and you'll be forced

to love

the entire weight of my being

harmony

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your distance

is a sadness creeping

long and low in the darkness

steeping

like quieted leaves rustling

suddenly

a wild, riotous wind

blowing me up,

you're there before me all lit up

elegant fingers reaching

utterly beguiled am I!

for a midnight dance with your ghost

I embrace the whisper of your form

for I long for you

as I've never before

and we slide across the floor

And, you dip me

my back racing

to plunge me below your wounded depths

retracing;

and I try to make sense of it all!

only to wake

my eyes cracking open in pain

a soreness only the dark can heal

as i spend my day without you

wishing on a star

that you’d haunt me once more

swan song

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intrepidly i dance

upon the floor of our

circumstance

tenuous

i know

falling through

glass and snow

cracked ice in season

i am misleading

swift plunge below

and, cold engulfs my soul

i am a fragile instance

of life in the deep

gangly limbs

and, a splay from the whole

you are the tie to my world

that I am missing

and I am the feelings

of abundance

your heart is needing

known

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He said,

“I don’t know what to do with your sadness”

I need you to not leave me here;

Alone, to be consumed by it

Leave me alone to cradle my own sorrowful head in my trembling hands

I want you to stay with me through it

Be by my side

So these tears I shed for you won’t go unseen

Unnoticed...

I want you to witness them

I want you to see them

I want them to fill your cup

Your cupped hands;

please carry them with me

be a vessel for my containment

Help me to bear this burden

So I don’t have to cry all alone 

These tears are for you after all 

These are your tears

I cry for no other reason than to spill them for you

To show you I care

Every tear worth the finest gold..

shed to exact a price

The price I pay in loving you..

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my eyes hurt from the tears welling up in them

I'm so lost I fear I'll never be found again

drops falll

fall like rythmic drums

on the hides of old skin

weathered and fraught

devastated and numb

worn they pound;

sounding a dull resounding

echo

an infinity without you

and it hurts so bad

cause I just can't understand

why love isnt enough

why its never enough

and..

i feel sometimes

how do I go on without you

and why?

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this is the whole point

and nobody cares

everyone misses it

consumed with their defenses

what if we lost them all

what if we had none

what if we said what we mean

and nothing more and nothing less

and never not enough and always without fear

the fact that we don't

is why we are in so much pain

love without ego