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[bobbieinfiji]

March 31, 2020

So now I guess is the time for a blog post about my heart shattering.

So as most of you know, due to the COVID 19 pandemic, Peace Corps has been suspended indefinitely on a global level. Two weeks ago the 7000+ volunteers all over the world were told their service was officially ended— no matter how much time had passed, and that they would be evacuated to their homes of record within the next three days.

As one of those volunteers, after seven months of service in Fiji, I was told to pack up the life I had carefully built, say my goodbyes, and make arrangements for my pets in a day and a half. After 36 hours of straight travel and a 16 hour nap, I joined my family in upstate New York to wait out this pandemic.

Almost two weeks has passed since I left my tiny pink house by the sea and I wanted to try and get one more blog post out. Writing has always helped me sort out complicated transitions and feelings, so this post may be more for myself than any of you reading this.

My two biggest emotions in all of this are of loss and guilt.

I feel a deep and bitter loss for my service. I ache for my house by the ocean, my two small fur babies who don’t understand why I abandoned them. I feel a deep sense of loss for my students, the library, and the lesson plans I had in store. I feel frustrated and sad about how little I was able to give a community that gave me so much. I feel so much loss about all that I didn’t get to do in such an incredible country. I feel a loss for the humidity I complained about, the glorious heat, and the sound of crashing waves. Each tiny loss layers on top of each other to feel insurmountable and crushing. I feel as though my Peace Corps service doesn’t count. I do not feel worthy to count myself among the RPCVs (returned Peace Corps Volunteers). I didn’t complete my service. Even if, by some miracle, I am able to return to Fiji and be reinstated as a volunteer, my service will forever be defined by this evacuation and its fallout.

On the other side of all these feelings of loss is the glaring shine of my privilege during all of this. Yes I have been fired and evicted like so many during this crisis, but my employers paid for me to be returned to my family, they gave me financial support, and I know I have advocates working for me not only in Fiji, but also in the United States. Beyond that I have a wonderful family that I get along with, who can financially support me during this time, and on top of that, I can contribute on a daily basis by providing childcare for my sweet nephew. That is more than most of the evacuees can say, and more than many average Americans can say. So where do I get off complaining? This is a pandemic unheard of in our time, I should be happy with my health, my families health, and the comparable comfort with which I am riding out this quarantine. I’ll feel so heartbroken and then my one-year-old nephew will reach up to me and smile and my heart hisses how dare you be sad? On top of the guilt I feel around feeling sad about leaving Fiji during a time when many more people have many more serious problems then mine, I feel stabs of guilt about leaving my community in Fiji. They invested so much in me as a volunteer, building a house, welcoming me into their school & village councils, feeding me, and supporting me. They received no return on investment. I left behind swaths of unfinished work and promises unfulfilled. Many of my students are too young to completely understand why I left so suddenly. I have been transformed from a long term fixture in their education to just another outsider who drops in and out taking more from the experience than they give. So when I feel happy to be spending time with my family who I love my heart side-eyes me saying do you even miss Fiji?

Logically I know I am allowed to feel sad, angry, and disappointed about my service while also recognizing the ways in which I am lucky. Logically I know I can enjoy being with my family while also missing my Fijian family. Yet, logic so rarely has anything to do with how we feel.

I now understand why the phrase ‘I hope you live in interesting times’ was considered a curse in ancient Greece. And now, we will all float into the unknown of what the future holds in all our individual changed circumstances with no promise of stability or normalcy in sight.

Sometimes Fiji feels like a dream.

What a time to be alive.

Thanks for reading this brain dump. If you’re wondering what comes next for me, I have no idea. That depends on the world I guess. Thoughts milling about my brain include trying to get back to Fiji, grad school, trying to find a job, spending time with my family while I can, not panicking.

Sending my love to all of you!

[bobbieinfiji]

March 17, 2020

As you’ve probably heard via my social media, due to the spread of the corona virus I am being forced to close my service as a Peace Corps volunteer in a world wide closure of activity. As of now, it is looking as though we will not be able to return to site.

Needless to say I am completely heartbroken. I feel robbed and cheated. Six and a half months into my service I’ve lost the chance to do what I set out to do. But I don’t need a blog post about the shattering of my heart. Instead I am going to write about what a typical day in the village was like in an attempt to explain to you all what I have lost.

When I wake up (usually around 6:30am) the first things I hear from my mosquito netting enclosed bed are the roosters crowing. Next, the myna birds chime in with their patchwork quilt of borrowed sounds. The quiet ‘scrape! Scrape! Scrape!’ of my neighbor scraping out fresh coconuts for their meals. Some days I might hear the ‘buzz buzz’ of someone weed whacking their yard. If I listen really closely I can hear the waves crashing on the reef. Usually the sound of the lali drum is the thing that initially woke me and let me know it’s time to start the day. If that wasn’t enough it’s about this time that my puppy, Ernest, and my kitten, Gloria, start telling me in no uncertain terms it is time to get out of bed and feed them.

When that is taken care of I set about feeding myself, usually oatmeal, or maybe eggs on top of last nights leftovers. Always accompanied by a cup of tea, I’m a good Fijian after all. If it’s Monday, I head to the village meeting around 9am, and if it’s Tuesday - Thursday I head to school around 8am. My favorite days were at school in the library. The enthusiasm the kids showed for reading, learning, and helping navigate a new place filled me with joy. On the days I wasn’t at school I often did laundry (by hand, in a bucket), went to a town 20 minutes away to the post office, or a town 1 hour away to do some grocery shopping. I would also do lesson planning and any Peace Corps paper work due that time period.

The afternoons you could find me on the rugby pitch. I can’t begin to explain the patience, laughter, and fun with which this extraordinary group of women taught me a completely new sport in a different language. I feel so lucky to have been a part of this team and shall miss them so so much. One of my absolute favorite parts of practice was the end when the men’s team who trained on the same field would all hold hands and sing. I’m talking 35+ players who are all at the top of their game. Singing is such an integral part of Fijian culture, and it is done with gusto and not a single shred of self consciousness.

The weekends were wild cards. Would I be heading to the local waterfalls with some teammates? Would I be visiting a fellow PCV on the other side of the island for a beach picnic? Even if I was just relaxing at home, I always had something to do as my neighbors and friends invited me to meals, first birthdays, picnics, and grog sessions. I almost always would attend church on Sunday morning, my favorite part of which was the singing (again). The incredible beauty with which every Fijian I have encountered can sing is mind boggling. I will desperately miss hearing a song sung by a group with verve on the breeze at any given time. Singing is the way to start and end any meeting, to celebrate, to mourn.

There’s so much I feel like I have to say and do in this day and a half period I have been given to give up on my two year dream. I do not feel ready. COVID-19 has rocked our world and that is for sure. I can only hope that this is a smooth recovery, as we all can.

There’s so much I’m taking from Fiji. I feel so lucky to have been here. Do I feel as though I got the long end of the stick? Absolutely. I was only just getting started. The kindness, generosity, and all around friendliness I have experienced is overwhelming.

Oh Fiji I hope I’ll be back. I already miss you terribly.

[bobbieinfiji]

January 5, 2020

First and foremost a very hearty happy new year from all of me to all of you.

At the close of a year there is always a pause for reflection and in this case the close of a decade has prompted a more expansive look at the last 10 years as we start to look ahead at the 2020s (how is that a real date?). My past year has been defined by joining the peace corps and also my nephew. Two things that continue to dominate most of my thoughts. The past decade was undefinable with its only consistency being that it was inconsistent. It started with me ending high school and leaving for Italy where I would live in a different culture and different language while working with children. It is fitting then that I should start this decade in much the same way, though hopefully with more perspective and wisdom under my belt. Now enough of nostalgia and on to what you’re really here for: what is going on in Fiji?

The answer is honestly, not much. These first months at site have been relatively low key. Within my first week school ended for the holiday break, and the various village committees and groups followed suit. I spent the majority of the first two months living in a host home with two women and anxiously awaiting the readiness of a house to call my own. Finally on Christmas Eve my beautiful house, pink—inside and out, was completed and I woke up Christmas morning in my Barbie dream house. It truly is a dream to have a space to call your own. While I’ve been supremely lucky with my two host families in Fiji, 4 months with no true alone time proved to be difficult, even for an extreme extrovert like myself. I have been cherishing my tea, my camping chair, my scented candles (bougie I know), and mosquito netting ensconced bed no end. But mostly I’ve been truly appreciating the autonomy that comes with ones own space. It has made me better over all at interacting and integrating with my community and has given me much needed time to recharge and start preparing for the beginning school year.

So some of you might have also heard about Cyclone Sarai which hit Fiji right around Christmas time. Let me take this quick moment to give you a quick fact about cyclones: hurricanes, cyclones, and typhoons are all the same thing, they just have a different name depending on what ocean they form over. Ok, so now you know what we’re dealing with, Cyclone Sarai started forming a few days before Christmas and quickly was predicted to become a major storm with high damage to the islands anticipated. After only two nights in my new house, I was evacuated, or “consolidated” as the peace corps says, to the capital to ride out the storm. Depending on the level of seriousness of the disaster we have different consolidation points. Because of the predicted severity of Sarai most of the volunteers were brought into the capital city, Suva. We stayed for just under a week as we waited out the storm. The best case scenario ended up happening in that the storm decreased in danger as it approached the island, damage was minimized to minor flooding and power outages, and everyone was safe. It turned out to be a nice opportunity to see my fellow volunteers, especially those who are placed far away in outer islands, and celebrate the holiday together. The Peace Corps is very on top of our safety and many staff members left family & and friends during Christmas to ensure our safety. It was a quick reminder of our privilege as Peace Corps volunteers to be able to evacuate so quickly and at no cost to ourselves when most of our villages have no such option.

So now having rung in the New Year with my village, I am soaking up the last few days of holiday bliss and look forward to the beginning of this year and decade. I can’t wait to begin working with the school and dig into the reasons I’m here.

Sending you all messages of strength and hope for this new year! Make sure you’re registered to vote!

[bobbieinfiji]

November 1, 2019

So little time has passed and yet so much has happened!

Above all I have sworn in and am officially, as of yesterday, a Peace Corps Volunteer. Secondly I have just arrived in Nadroga Province, in the village I will call home for the next two years.

The beauty is overwhelming. When preparing to come to Fiji I spent a lot of time explaining to people that ‘no I would not be on a resort relaxing for two years, Fiji is a diverse country with many landscapes...it is unrealistic to think I will be sitting on a white sand beach under a palm tree with turquoise waters stretching in front of me.’ And here I am eating my words because it turns out that is exactly what I will be doing. The village is nestled between three resorts on a stretch of coast known through out the pacific region for its beauty. I keep pinching myself to see if it is real. The Peace Corps is supposed to be “the hardest job you’ll ever love” but how difficult can life get if you can end the day with a view like that. I can’t believe my good fortune and am brimming, bursting, overflowing with excitement to become a part of this village.

There was a small change of plans regarding my housing, in that the village still needs to do a few renovations to my future home, so I will be staying with two women in the village until the repairs are complete. Though initially disappointed to delay nesting into my house, I feel really lucky to have such an instant connection into village life. Especially since they are both women close to my age, their friendship and support will be invaluable when it comes to integrating successfully. Basically it’s going to be ladies night every night! Another plus is I can have a bit of a hand in some of the decisions regarding my house (re: paint color [pink, obv]).

The past few weeks have been a blur of trainings, goodbyes, feasts, dancing, grog circles, and being completely loved on by our host villages. It’s amazing the amount of comfort we gained by the end of the two months. The village really started to feel like home and the language started to feel like second nature (the small things at least). It is one of those times where you feel as though right when you get the hang of things you have to leave. It’s a good reminder to not get discouraged in the beginning here since took two entire months to feel at home even with the help of a host family, structured days, and a big group of Americans near by.

After tearful goodbyes (honestly, there was not a dry eye to be found. The beautiful farewell songs sung constantly was no help in that regard), we all headed to an ecolodge for a weekend to decompress and have some reflection time to process the intense experience we had all just gone through together. It really felt special that Peace Corps budgeted that time in before the mad dash of swear in week and departing for our sites. It truly made a huge difference. Plus, who can complain about being on the beach in Fiji for the weekend?

After reflecting and recharging the group headed to Fiji’s capital city, Suva, for a week of preparing to leave for site. For some volunteers leaving for outer islands this was their only chance to buy everything for their future homes until the next time they would have access to stores— which may not come for another few months at least. Again my housing situation proved to be a positive as I didn’t have to buy anything right away and will be able to see my house and know exactly what to buy before shopping. We also had the opportunity to meet counterparts from our future villages and start thinking about the next two years. Plus we all were able to finally let off a little steam, wear our American clothes, eat a more diverse diet, and go out on the town after two months of more rigid village rules and no drinking allowed. What I’m trying to say is we all were very excited, all over the place, and very tired.

The week ended with our swearing in ceremony. All of our host villages came to Suva to support us. Each village had clothing made from the same material, so when you looked out at the audience you could see exactly who was from what village depending on the kalavata. It was a truly special occasion that was marked by not only swearing of oaths but also the (questionable) dancing of a traditional meke and speeches made in both iTaukei and Hindi by the new volunteers. Afterwards, we all went out on the town to celebrate and cherish each other’s company one last time before we were spread all over the country.

So now completely exhausted and a little hung over, we have said more tearful goodbyes and I find myself here, in the place where it’s all going to happen.

What I’ve found, is the beginning of the Peace Corps is full of goodbye. First you leave your friends and family at home. Then you are given a new family who takes care of you and guides you through all the new changes, who you then must leave as well. Then you finally leave a tightly knit cohort of people you have experienced so much change and culture shock and laughter and diarrhea with to find yourself alone again starting afresh. The intensity surrounding the circumstances of the friendships makes them feel so much deeper than what correlates with the time you have spent together. It makes me fear the end of the two years and the difficultly of the goodbyes awaiting me there. But thankfully those tears are far away and here I stand at the brink of something so new and so full of possibility. I can’t help but feel like one of the luckiest.

[bobbieinfiji]

October 5, 2019

I can’t believe September has come and gone. Time is whipping by faster than I thought possible. The last few weeks of September passed much the same as the first, with training, language classes, and trips into town. We also had a few days where we attended our host village’s local school and practiced teaching 3 mornings a week. The learning curve there was steep— let me tell you. But we brought out some math bubbles and Katy Perry and I think we all learned something, volunteers and kids alike. While the benefits of the visits felt skewed towards us volunteers due to our short time there, the kids (and teachers) were gracious and patient.

A big new development happened in the end of the month when I got my two year permanent site placement package! Drum roll please! For the next two years I will be living in a small coastal village in a one room tin house along the Coral Coast on the western side of Fiji’s biggest island: Viti Levu. I feel as though I have won the lottery. I will be walking distance from some of the best beaches on the island, it’s one of the first places in Fiji to be developed for tourism based on this fact. I will be working with a large primary school (250 kids ranging grade 1-8), a robust “youth group” (which here refers to the group of men and women aged 18-35) that is registered as an NGO and does work to fight climate change, and a very active women’s group as well. The best surfing on the island is found near these beaches and my village also supplies much of the labor for some of the biggest resorts in Fiji. I’m also a short 1.5 hr ride to the nations capital and 45 minutes from another volunteer. I honestly feel as though things could not be better.

In addition to this big and exciting news, we all spent the past week on “HVV” or Host Volunteer Visits. This is where one or more trainees spent the week with current volunteers from last year or the year before’s cohort to shadow and see what every day life is like for an active peace corps volunteer. I spent my visit in Lautoka, one of Fiji’s larger cities on the western side Viti Levu. I was with two other trainees staying with a volunteer who just completed her first year in Fiji. She works primarily with the ministry of youth and sports as well as a secondary project she just started with a local primary school. We went with her to school and facilitated literacy special classes for students who are behind in their reading. It was great to get some more hands on experience while also seeing how a current volunteer interacts with her community and what kinds of projects she has been leading. We also got some much needed rest and recharge time. It was great to cook for ourselves and make our own schedules. We had the opportunity to go to the beach as well and we all soaked up a few ‘vacation days’.

And now I am back to my host village. It’s amazing how quickly a place can start to feel like home. It was only a week away but it felt so nice to come back home and be fussed over by my host family. It’s good to be back in my own bed and have the weekend to get ready for the last month of pre-service training. HVV got me excited though for moving to my own village and setting up my own little home. I’m already queer-eyeing my my tin hut in my mind. Though my budget is a wee bit smaller and Bobbie Mckenna isn’t as skilled as Bobby Berk when it comes to home make overs— I’ll do my best.

Continuously feeling awed and overwhelmed that this is my next two years of reality as well as balancing how much I miss all of you, my family and friends back in the US.

[bobbieinfiji]

September 16, 2019

Two weeks down in my homestay, and three weeks down in Fiji! It’s amazing how quickly these days are going. I can already tell these two years will flash by quicker than sand through your fingers.

This past week has been much of the same with training in the iTaukei language (I love the spelling of this, it makes it seem like an Apple product), diversity training, workshops on white saviorism and how to avoid it, and classroom content. The garden we planted week one already has 6” high bean sprouts and cabbage seeds went in this morning. Things grow like mad here and it makes me excited for my permanent site where I can have my own little garden. We find out in the next two weeks where our two year site will be and I am just dying to know. My host family has been wonderful and I’m so lucky to have been able to come here first to learn and ease into the culture, but I am so looking forward to having a space to decorate and make my own. Though, I’m sure the minute I leave I will immediately miss the meals, warmth, routine, and security of these early stages.

Today we’re doing a cooking practicum along with language lessons so we know how to cook the basics of Fijian cuisine. I am psyched to roll out rotis and prepare bele (pronounced mm-bell-ey) which is a type of fern that grows rampant. Tomorrow is even more exciting because we’re entering a Fijian school for the first time. We’re just shadowing the primary school teacher for now, but still a very exciting step. I’m excited to see the kids from our village in a school setting and get an idea of what a part of my day to day will be for the next two years.

Last last weekend (a week ago Saturday) we held a little fundraising festival in our village. It was held in the town center and food was served, the kids performed a hula, and grog (or kava) was drunk until the wee hours. Some other peace corps trainees (PCTs) came from their host villages as well and the entire day was quite the success. My Na (host mom) got us sewn matching dresses which is a big thing here. Families or any other type of designated group will get outfits all sewn out of the same material. It’s called “kalavata”. When we are all sworn in as volunteers each training village will do kalavata when they come in to support us. I can’t wait.

This weekend the 5 other PCTs in Naila (our village) and myself lead a practice lesson with the kids in our neighborhood. We did a quick session on toothbrushing and flossing. Here toothbrushing is something kids do at school not at home and flossing was an entirely new concept. I was amazed at how attentive and respectful all the kids were- of all ages, and how willing they were to let us practice with them. We at least ended the “lesson” with a game of spike ball so it was a win win. Later that night two girls who live next door came over to get some floss before bed! Dental floss has never brought me such glee!!!!

Sunday’s are mostly comprised of church which has been a bit challenging as it is almost entirely in iTaukei. The music continues to be fantastic though and to be with the community is important. If anything it serves to encourage me to learn quicker so I can know what they’re saying!! I also use any free time to go on long walks with my fellow PCTs. The amount of food I’m being fed has not lessened so any opportunity for exercise is much appreciated. Women here don’t have many avenues for exercise outside school run netball (if the school offers it), owing in no small part to the restrictive dress expected. Long skirts and dresses are pretty much the only acceptable form of clothing for girls over 12 or 13. Not exactly conducive to going for a run or getting active. So long skirted walks it has been, and even that my family & neighbors don’t seem to understand why we are walking to no where but have mostly accepted our weird American ways.

The exercise being our number one motive, there is also the secondary benefits of being able to see more of the area and get comfortable in our surroundings, as well as spot local wildlife. Mongooses and giant toads abound as well as (my favorite) giant bats the size of hawks!!! They’re called beka here and you can catch me beka watching almost every night of the week. They’re fruit bats (a la Stella Luna) so no need to worry about imminent vampiric danger.

These experiences have been making me think a lot about all the people in my life who have traveled and adventured before me, inspiring me along this path. Especially my Grandma, Janet, who passed away in July. She would have loved to come visit me here and we could have had kalavata made for us, which she (and I) would have loved. It makes me frustrated I didn’t do this sooner so she could have made it out here.

More pictures of cooking and school and everything to follow. Much love to you all ❤️

[bobbieinfiji]

How are you getting service in Fiji?

There’s cell service here! Most people have cell phones here. It’s not as strong as it is in the states but enough !!

[bobbieinfiji]

September 3, 2019

Bula Vinaka! I’m typing this on my phone so please bear with me on any spelling and grammar errors or run on sentences. First off thank you to everyone who has been so supportive during my whole journey and have been asking about my first few weeks in the Peace Corps. It is crazy that it has only been a little more than a week— it feels as though months have passed in that time. After leaving Los Angeles last Monday night and landing in Nadi, Fiji early Wednesday morning, the group of 39 Peace Corps trainees drove roughly 2 hours to Pacific Harbor to a hotel where we started our orientation. It was a super nice way to ease into the culture shock. We had a week of logistical sessions going over basic safety, setting up our local phone plans and bank accounts etc., and learning how to introduce ourselves in the iTaukei language. It was also a great time to get to know each other. There’s something about flying across the world with people that makes you feel a closeness despite only having just met them. I’ve been pleasantly surprised at how well our group has gelled for such a diverse (in age, gender, race, background, etc.) set of individuals. I can honestly say I enjoy pretty much everyone’s company.

Just before the hotel started to get boring and everyone went stir crazy we left the logistics behind after one last session in water safety, which involved a boat and swimming in the ocean so it was very popular with all of us. Saturday we headed to our host villages to continue PST (Pre Service Training). We were split into groups of 6 or 7 and placed in a cluster of villages near Naisori. After a welcome ceremony called a Sevusevu where there is an offering of Kava (a traditional Fijian drink that has mild sedative properties, tastes like dirt, and makes your tongue numb) we were placed in our host families where we will stay during our two months of PST. My family is made up of my Ta (father), Na (mother), Momo (uncle), and my one year old brother, Jacob. My Ta used to play rugby for Fiji and was also in the Fijian army. My Momo is the “TK” or village representative and also an avid farmer, mostly of Taro root. The first transitions into my host family have been pretty easy so far. There is of course the awkwardness that always comes with a complete stranger living in your home and inherent cultural differences, but over all things are going really smoothly. I’m being fed really well with every kind of curry and coconut sauce and roti and pancake and rice and bun and egg and cassava and anything else you might think of. We eat at least 5 times a day which makes me feel like a hobbit. We have breakfast, morning tea, lunch, afternoon tea, and dinner. Sometimes an after dinner tea as well.

Now that we’re in village we’ve started language & culture classes along with classroom development courses and continued safety briefings. Sometimes the entire cohort will meet in a hub village and sometimes we all have small classes in our own villages. Each group has a language specialist living with us in our towns which is super helpful. Most of the Peace Corps staff in Fiji are Fijian which really helps with integration and education.

So that’s what my current life looks like for now! We have a village celebration on Saturday to look forward to (my Na is having a dress, or sulu, made for me) and then church on Sunday. We already went to a few services last Sunday which, while long and in a completely different language, were still a great experience owing not in small part to the incredible acapella harmonization of the choir.

The weather has been hot and humid as expected and I am looking forward to when we will be able to spend some time on the beach. We just got our address for the next two months so if you’re interested shoot me a Facebook message or WhatsApp or slide into my Instagram DMs. Otherwise I will have a more permanent address in two months once I get placed in my two year assignment after I’m sworn in as a volunteer. Love to all of you, until next time! Sota tale!!