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bolinbxby · 1 year ago

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Drowning in you (BkDk) +8k words Hurt/Comfort

Katsuki woke up to an unpleasant vibration on his cheek.

His phone was ringing. Despite the night mode. Irritated, his fingers slid over his nightstand until he found the cord, then he pulled it out from under his pillow. No one was able to call him at this unholy hour without trying twice. And even then, there were only a handful of idiots to consider. And their boss.

His screen glowed brightly in the light of his utterly dark room. With narrowed eyes, he read the time {02:12} and then the name {Todoroki}.

What the fuck?

"What the fuck," he uttered as a greeting, making no attempt to hide his annoyance, his body propped up on one elbow and his eyes narrowed against the remaining fatigue.

"You told me once that you'd like to be warned when Midoriya comes home after refusing hospitalization."

"He - what? What?" he sat up in a second, pulled the phone away from his ear and checked the time again. "It's 2:13 -"

"We've been here for hours."

His blanket flew off the bed as he wiped it down and leapt up.

"Why didn't you call me in?" he hissed, hurrying out into the hallway, heading straight for Deku's messy nerd room and putting the phone on speaker.

Shouto sounded worn-out and hoarse, "Look out the window. It's snowing."

"So what-?"

"The old bridge here in Kyushu collapsed. Many injured. Dead, too. And Midoriya was - it was -"

"It was …what?" he asked slowly.

"…close."

His thoughts caught up with Shouto's words just as the door to Izuku's room slammed against the wall. The bed was empty and his lungs did their best to reach the same state. He let go of the doorknob, took a deep breath and rubbed his eyes.

"Fuck," emotions he couldn't comprehend broke through his control, "What do you mean he refused to go to the hospital?"

"That he's already on his way home."

"Alone?"

"Alone."

"You let him go alone?"

"I had no say in anything," Shouto's tone took on a sharp edge, still hoarse, still tense, and the last of his anger at everything and everyone fizzled out. Katsuki went back to his room and waited for the other to explain.

He wanted to ask what had happened to him. But just as urgently, he didn't want to think about it. ‘Close’ meant close call. And that meant near death.

There was a rustling at the other end of the line and Katsuki bit his lips hard when he heard a concealed sob.

What the fuck had gone wrong over there...?

Once.

He'd finished his fucking office stuff on time once and allowed himself a few hours of quiet time at home. Of course, that shit blew up in his face now.

Still silent, he pulled on his sweatpants, tucked his arms and then his head into a ... 'DEKU-SMASH' sweater and stood in front of his bed.

Shouto had caught his breath, "…he almost drowned."

Katsuki lowered himself to the edge of the bed and intensified the bite on his lips. It stung worse than his eyes which was the only important point.

Drowning was a cruel death.

Lonely and agonizing.

"No one had noticed. Something on his costume got caught in the debris. And under water - something happened. I don't know what. I - I couldn't- I didn't help him, Bakugou. There was no one there to-"

"Why not?!"

"I had to keep the civilians from freezing to death," he said, and it sounded as if his own reproach was already choking him, so Katsuki held back for once.

Surely, he would have done more.. if he had been allowed to. But that was the curse of being a hero: you were never a priority at a crime scene. Heroes helped the weak. No one helped the heroes.

He swallowed the bitter frustration and sour worry and looked out the window. Heavy white flakes danced across the street and swirled around the lamppost across the sidewalk.

It was still snowing. Heavyly.

Deku had fallen into the river in the snow and nearly drowned. Those must have been agonizing minutes of fear and pain. Because nobody could help him. Because no one had helped him.

His left hand crackled, liquid rage gathering in his palms, but he ignored it for the goddamned moment he still had Shouto on the phone. Shouto, who had been at the scene for hours, standing in the cold, and who had almost seen something he would not be able to recover from any time soon. The death of a friend. The death of Izuku Midoriya.

"What about you," Katsuki snapped, rising to his feet as a plan formed in his mind, "Are you ok?"

It took Todoroki a few seconds to collect himself. His answer was no surprise.

"No."

Katsuki clicked his tongue. "Come here too."

"T-to your place?"

"Witnessing a close call does things to you, Icy. I know that shit."

"I... okay. Okay. G-Good."

He recognized that part, too, when the tears clawed their way free and the throat got useless for anything. Those were the last moments before a breakdown. Precious minutes before you were overwhelmed by forces beyond your imagination.

"Hurry," he advised, then hung up.

He kept his cell phone on loud in his pocket the whole time. But no one else called him. He himself had made exactly two calls. One to Deku of course. But the bastard hadn't answered, which made Katsuki even more anxious. The second call was to Eijirou. At least as sleepy, irritated, until Katsuki had used the words "Todoroki" and "emotional support" and then, as known, an unstoppable wave of energy. Katsuki couldn't remember what he had agreed to when Kirishima had thrown a cascade of suggestions at him through the phone. He had ended that conversation with a "Do whatever you can", not waiting for an answer.

Shortly thereafter, the couch was outfolded, the two futons were placed on the somewhat uneven surface, and all the pillows and blankets Deku's room had to offer were piled on top. That should be enough to soften the sharp edges of worry and dread.

He watched the water for tea boiling, though he doubted either of them were in the mood for tea.

Nervousness was eating away at his mind, worse than ever before. Basically, he had no idea what to do once Izuku showed up.

Zero.

He had no starting point at all, no fixed point of how to deal with Deku when he stepped over the threshold.

And he hated it.

Being helpless was torture on a grand scale when it came to Katsuki.

Would he dare to pretend that everything was okay? Would he babble and babble and try to get rid of him until he sat alone in his room with his back to the door crying his eyes out?

Katsuki had sat on the other side of that door too many times, warming the wood and listening until he couldn't hear his sobs anymore, to dismiss that as an acceptable option today. No fucking way.

Izuku would be soaking wet. Frozen through. Bruises, discolored lips, red eyes and cheeks, ... and before he could think of anything else, he hurried back to Izuku's room, grabbed a pair of socks, a pair of underpants and a pair of jogging pants and briefly considered whether he should give Deku back the sweater he was wearing. He decided against it. If the nerd could process that Katsuki was wearing a 'DEKU-SMASH' sweater, it might make him smile. Grumbling, he left the room with long strides and went into the bathroom.

As the bathtub began to fill the last few inches, he looked at the clock.

{02:48 a.m.}

Less than five minutes later, Kirishima rang the doorbell, and he had never been so relieved to see his best friend's face in the doorway. Katsuki went out of his way to be an emotional support on rare occasions like today. But Eijirou existed as such. It was damn useful to have him here as a backup.

"Hey, bro," he greeted him, sliding his shoes onto the doormat and hovering briefly in the hallway so that the calmness he radiated could spread.

"Close call," Katsuki groaned and raised his hands, wanting to push, pull and press something and -

"I know," a warm hand patted his shoulder. Long enough to show 'I'm here' and short enough not to freak him out, "Are they here yet?"

"No."

Kirishima shook the snow off his hood into the hallway, then took off his jacket.

"What's this?" Katsuki asked with a half-hearted kick at the small bag at their feet.

"Instant soba, chocolate and green tea mochi."

As he was about to answer, something heavy crashed against the balcony door and they exchanged a startled look.

"You've got to be kidding me," Katsuki hissed before hurrying through the living room as fast as his feet in wool socks would allow. He recognized a silhouette, bent over an overturned chair and grabbed the door handle "You... fuck".

Kirishima disappeared into the hallway as Katsuki opened the door wider, and snow and icy cold air blew into the living room, biting him in the face. On their balcony, completely snowed in and standing next to one of the overturned chairs, was indeed Deku.

"Sorry Kacchan," his voice was completely lost in the biting icy wind that blew past him into the warmth of the apartment.

"What the -?"

"I think I lost my apartment keys."

The next breeze bit into the exposed skin of his neck like tiny needles and he shivered while Kirishima returned from the bathroom with a towel and laid it on the floor in front of the balcony.

Izuku watched them indifferently, completely unaffected by the cold and the ice around him. He didn't seem to wonder why Katsuki was awake or why Eijiro was standing next to him in crocodile crocs and messy hair.

"Get your fucking ass inside, Deku, the apartment is no freezer-"

"Give me your hand."

Green eyes slid away from him and he bared his teeth in irritation, watching grimly as Eijirou’s hand reached out to the balcony, but another knock interrupted the strange moment.

"Is that Roki?"

Katsuki just nodded, who else would it be, and hesitantly replaced Kirishima's helping hand with his own. The ice from Deku's gloved hand immediately stung his palm as fingers wrapped around his. The grip was firm, firm enough to hide an underlying tremor. Katsuki looked up, the first pangs of worry never quite leaving his stomach, and saw the emptiness in Izuku's frost-rimmed eyes. Tiny lumps of ice dangled from his eyelashes and eyebrows as he stepped past him onto the towel like a wound toy.

He didn't drip. But he was crunching, as if every inch of his costume was made of pure ice.

The mere thought made him shudder.

Voices echoed from the hallway and moved into the kitchen.

Izuku didn't seem to notice that either. Before he realized what he was doing, Katsuki had shaken off his hand and grabbed his face with both hands. Izuku blinked in amazement when the touch did in fact stop his movements.

The skin of his cheeks was colder than Katsuki had expected. In his mind, his medical knowledge tried to kick in, but he had no idea about frostbite and extreme cold.

"Tub," he breathed and the word floated between their faces like a white cloud.

Izuku blinked, looked at a spot next to his ear, then stared at him unfocusedly through his lashes until Katsuki let the grip on his cheeks get a little rougher.

"Deku, oi!"

The first shades of green returned to his eyes and for a tiny second, Katsuki thought he'd done something good, but then tears suddenly gathered at the corners of Izuku's eyes in record time and a heartbreaking sob ripped through the living room.

In the kitchen, a cup shattered on the floor and Katsuki just stood there thunderstruck.

The sound of footsteps drowned out Deku's mumbling, then his grip on Izuku's face was replaced by none other than fucking Todoroki, whom he had invited to give him time to calm down, to not be alone. Not to steal Deku from his grasp to ... warm him. Taking a step back, he recognized the slowly rising steam. Todoroki was defrosting Deku with his shitty quirk.

Behind them, Kirishima quietly closed the balcony door and the wind stopped.

Green curls fell against Shouto's body, then Izuku stretched towards the warmth, until Katsuki recognized a part of his face over Shouto's shoulder. He also noticed that Shouto was still wearing his hero's costume. Dry, but just as dirty.

Gross.

Izuku's eyes fell closed, tears still dripping down his cheeks, and Katsuki took another step back, his gaze fixed on Deku in someone else's arms.

It was hard to decipher where the unknown feeling came from, he was standing in his own apartment after all; but he felt strangely... superfluous. Out of place. Unnecessary.

He sensed a slight tingling at the back of his neck, then a look, undoubtedly Eijirou’s, and somehow, he couldn't bear his compassion at all right now.

Fuck it, so what if he couldn't change anything with his presence here, the nerd was in still in need for new clothes. And Shouto would need some as well. So he could make himself useful and fuck off to his room while everyone else in this apartment proved how wowgood they were at comforting. And how boobad Katsuki was at it.

He took a step, but something tugged at his hood.

"Kacchan."

Gah, his throat did exactly what he'd heard Todoroki's do earlier. It tightened until he couldn't breathe, in the record time of one second.

"I'll get you losers a change of clothes -" he forced out, but Eijirou cut him off.

"I brought some."

Katsuki looked over at him, torn between going and staying, and noticed how Eijiro nodded to clarify his words, "I brought some with me, for Shouto."

Again, something tugged harder at his sweater and his fingers quickly wrapped around the clammy glove to loosen the frosty grip.

Deku still stood in Todoroki's warm embrace, a large puddle around their feet despite the towel, the air still crisp and cool. Deku's left hand rested in both of his.

"Hey yo," Kirishima whispered into his ear while pointing to the couch next to him, "is that for us?"

Katsuki unzipped Deku's glove with a practiced yank and nodded without looking over, "Everything soft is there. The console is plugged in if you want to play in the morning."

The glove came off and he pulled it from Deku's thin fingers. They were red and frostbitten. He raised his head to check Izuku's face and found only emptiness.

This couldn't go on.

"Oy," he grumbled and elbowed Shouto in the ribs, "Icy. I know you've got a lot on your mind, but step aside. The nerd needs to be patched up and put in the bathtub."

He let go of the icy hand and grabbed Izuku's other hand, loosened the glove there as well and pulled at his fingers, then at his sleeve. He had to get him out of this disgusting clothes. Yes, they weren't frozen anymore, but they still stuck to Deku's body like a dirty second skin. Next to dust and something that looked like waste oil.

"Roki?" Kirishima asked, and his arms finally detached from Deku.

"Okay," he murmured, clearing his throat and finally making room, "Yes. I... Bakugou. Thanks for letting me stay here."

Their eyes met briefly, then Shouto turned away and immediately an arm was wrapped around his neck and Eijirou was put into care mode, "Make yourself comfortable Shou, I'll make us some tea and soba."

"Shoes off, Deku," Katsuki ordered at the same time as he watched Shouto slowly lower himself onto the couch and uncertainly pick at the pillows and blankets. Next to him, Izuku wordlessly went down on his knees, unbuckled the heavy buckles and shakily stepped out of his shoes. His socks were soaking wet, leaving stains everywhere and Katsuki grinded his teeth for a moment. He couldn't help it.

"Socks too."

Once again, Izuku obeyed without resistance and brushed the socks off his trembling feet while Katsuki used the short moment to unfasten the cape and tuck it under his arm with the gloves.

"Are you okay?" he asked over his shoulder to the couch, one hand on Deku's neck to maneuver him to the bathroom as quickly as possible. Shouto found his voice when they were almost past the couch.

"Yes, but... this is Midoriya's blanket. And this is his pillow...?"

"He's sleeping with me," Katsuki replied curtly and let Eijiro, who just came out of the kitchen with two steaming bowls of instant soba, pass.

"Good idea," he said, his mouth twisted in concern as he looked at Izuku, "are you okay, bud?"

"I'll patch him up, put him in the tub and..."

Out of nowhere, the nerd rediscovered his voice and for a moment, it felt as if the balcony had opened again.

"No," he said, "You don't have to."

"Excuse me?" Katsuki inadvertently tightened his grip on green curls.

"I-I think I'll just - I'll go to bed."

With unexpected agility, he suddenly wriggled out of his hold, put his hands to his face and stumbled backwards, towards his room, "Sorry - and, thank you, Kacchan. Thank you."

"Deku-" Katsuki started, but Eijiro made a brief, misplaced attempt to stop him, "Maybe he needs a minute alone -?"

"The last thing he needs right now is a damn minute alone."

He caught up with him as Izuku shoved open his bedroom door and entered quickly, hastily jamming his foot into the door frame and preparing himself for the pain that would come as soon as Izuku tried to close the door.

But he didn't.

Deku just stood there; his eyes fixed on his completely empty bed. He blinked heavily, obviously thinking hard about what he saw. The light was out. Snow still blew against the closed window.

"Deku."

Surprisingly, Izuku turned around and looked at him with exhausted eyes.

They were so big, so lost, so dark - a black hole opened in Katsuki's heart at the empty, desolate sight. It was a far cry from what he was used to. It gave him goosebumps, which he immediately tried to ignore by distracting himself.

"I know," he spoke with his fingers on Izuku's jacket, "I want you - I want you to do what I say. Stop thinking. Let go," he pulled the zipper down without breaking eye contact. The skin under Izuku's eyes became wetter and wetter, the dim street lights reflected in the streaks of his tears. He still radiated an unspeakable coldness and it was all the more urgent to get him into the tub.

"Let me... take over if you can't do it all by yourself."

Katsuki heard the loud gasps, the shaky breathing, the swallowing. Then he heard a broken "Okay" and almost broke his fingers from the tension of just pulling the jacket off Izuku's shoulders instead of punching him hard out of frustration.

"To the bathroom," he said, stepping aside so that the smaller one could scurry into the bathroom himself, "now," and indeed, Izuku just hunched his shoulders, wrapped his arms around his freezing body and stumbled through the hallway on shaky legs.

He didn't notice Todoroki and Kirishima, both of whom were only visible from the nose up as they looked at them over the back of the couch.

He struggled for a moment in the doorway of the kitchen, but Katsuki pressed a warm hand between his shoulders and urged him on. "You want some tea? You'll get it as soon as you're in the tub."

"I - I don't want to get in the tub."

"I don't give a shit."

"N-no, I - I don't want - in the water. I - "

"Ah fuck," he cursed, wanting to strangle himself for his stupidity, "no problem. Take your clothes off, sit on the stool, in the shower, and ... fuck the tub."

One hundred points for trying to force someone to take a bath when he was about to drown less than an hour ago. Brilliant.

"Are you sure? You could -"

He pushed the door to the bathroom open and pushed Izuku in roughly. It wasn't fair to take out his frustration on Deku like that, but his patience was running out. His skin tightened with every minute that he didn't know what the hell he was doing here. If anything of his actions helped at all.

The air was warm and humid and the mirror was already fogged.

"Shut up," he hissed without real bite, "What did I tell you?" he nudged him towards the shower with one knee and at the same time grabbed the first aid kit from the shelf, "I'll take care of it."

He pressed the small package to his chest until Izuku grabbed it with irritation and then pushed him further across the room with both hands on his shoulders.

With both arms full, Izuku had little room to defend himself against Katsuki's quick fingers, which had undone all belts and buckles in no time at all, pulled down his pants with a disgusted huff and then pushed him onto the stool.

"K-Kacchan."

"Shirt off," he ordered and lifted one of Izuku's legs, finally freeing it from the last bit of clammy uniform fabric. Immediately, goose bumps spread across his calves and cold thighs. Wordlessly, Izuku let the red package slide from his arm to the ground, then hesitantly pulled the shirt off his body.

His pants landed in the laundry basket with a strange wet thud, his shirt was torn from his fingers and landed right on top.

Then he sat shivering on the bath stool, stripped down to his underwear, face to face with Kacchan, who crouched in front of him, eyeing him up and down indecisively.

"You okay?"

It didn't take a heartbeat before Izuku shook his head with a heavy gulp and tried to put his face in his hands, but Katsuki caught them halfway, holding them tight.

"I'm going to wash that shit off of you. All that stuff, the dust and the oil or whatever the fuck it is. I-I don't see any open wounds, so fuck first-aid, I'd say. And then, then... there're dry clothes." His eyes slid over to the small cupboard next to the sink to a sweater, a pair of pants and fresh underwear. Izuku followed his gaze, then pressed his lips together and nodded. Tears dripped onto their hands and Katsuki sighed softly.

"Turn around. And close your eyes. And nerd-" he yanked the shower off the wall, pulled his own socks off his feet and rolled up his pant legs and sleeves, "stop fucking thinking. You're home. You're safe. That's all that matters."

Izuku didn't reply, barely flinching when the cold spray of the shower hit his upper arm until the temperature of the water finally settled. Katsuki proceeded without a system, first splashing his arms, then his hair, then past his bright red ears down to his knees, then all over. The main thing was that every centimeter of the body in front of him was covered with clean water. Soap followed. Then more clean water. And soap again.

In his hair, between his fingers, behind his knees, everywhere he could reach. Izuku's eyes were closed the whole time. Every few minutes, he splashed water on his face, so Katsuki didn't know if he was still crying or if he had calmed down a bit.

In the silence that followed when he turned off the water and picked up the towel, Deku's breathing echoed evenly off the walls of the shower, along with the steady dripping of his hair.

"Here." He pressed the towel to his face to avoid Deku's reddened eyes that sought his gaze, "I'll make you tea. Change your clothes. Dry your hair."

"Kacchan."

"Hm."

"I didn't think that-"

"You aren't supposed to think, idiot," he tugged at the towel, "change, and dry your hair. I'll meet you at my place. Hurry."

"Your place?"

"Hurry."

"In your room?"

"In my bed."

He pushed the bathroom door shut before Izuku could even close his mouth, forced himself to slowly walk to the kitchen and prepare a cup of tea as soon as he heard the sound of the hair dryer. While the water was boiling, he stole a quick glance over the backrest at the other two fools. Only a small strand of white hair indicated that the lump under the thick layers of blankets was more than one person. He frowned, but then quietly tiptoed around the couch and cleared away the empty soba packets. He also took the two empty cups as quietly as he could and returned them to the kitchen.

Izuku was still blow-drying. The water had stopped boiling.

Were the mochi for him? Or were the entire contents of the bag for Todoroki?

He lifted the bag from the floor onto the chair, then abandoned the idea of making tea and trotted back to his room. It was long past three, and his body made him feel what exactly that meant.

He left the door ajar, heard the hairdryer stop just then, and rubbed his face, exhausted. Being nice was fucking exhausting. And he wasn't even good at it. Pissed off, he rummaged through his closet for his thinner sheets, the ones for the summer.

A moment later, Izuku reached his room, knocked unnecessarily on the door and waited to see if he would really invite him in - which he didn't.

He shot him a glare and grumbled, "Close the door, Deku."

But he stood rooted to the spot in the doorway, blinking as he watched Katsuki undress, his arms wrapped around himself. How he carefully took off his hoodie and boxers and threw them on the desk chair until he was back in his shirt and boxers. Deku's gaze fell on an old package of granola bars and Katsuki casually threw it into the trash.

The nerd still hadn't moved an inch.

So he stretched once and yawned demonstratively before he slowly walked over to the bed and lowered one knee to the mattress. But Deku looked at him like a frightened rabbit caught in a fight-or-flight dilemma. Clearly, he wasn't having the slightest positive effect on Deku's mental state.

The realization burned through all his defenses like acid.

Well, he wasn't Kirishima. He obviously wasn't able to radiate calm or comfort. And he was even less successful at infecting others with it. Fuck.

"I won't say it twice," he snapped, frustrated again, probably just as threatening as he seemed to be and pulled the blanket up a little too aggressively to drape it fluffy over the bed.

Finally, Izuku seemed to remember how the muscles in his legs worked and stepped inside. He turned off the light and then pulled the door slowly into the lock. And somehow, just closing the door felt like a deeply intimate act. For both of them. Alone in a room. Soon in the same bed.

Katsuki yanked at his pillow until a visible gap formed, pushed the thin summer blanket over to his side of the bed as far as it would go and his real blanket all the way over to Izuku's makeshift pillow.

"Kacchan, I need-"

"Nothing but rest and sleep," he cut him off.

He meant well. But by now, he knew that the way it came across probably missed his intention completely. He bit his lip, when Izuku whispered "Okay" and immediately rubbed his face against the pillow, breathing in and out deeply. Probably to stop the tears.

Only an hour later, Katsuki was woken up by Izuku squeezing up against him. He rubbed his eyes and reached out to push the other away, grumbling, "What ya doin...?"

Katsuki got a mumbled whimper as an answer, then Deku caught his blanket between his fingers and tugged at it imperiously.

He hardly saw anything, just heard a persistent whimper in the deepest darkness of the winter night, then a complaining "It's cold, Kacchan".

"Not at all," Katsuki hissed back and let go of his own blanket to search aimlessly for the other one. A long yawn interrupted his efforts, and when he blinked the moisture out of the corner of his eye, the nerd had already curled up like a shrimp, claiming a relatively small portion of his blanket. Another yawn hit him, and in the end he didn't really care. So they'd sleep together under the same stupid blanket. No big deal.

At dawn, he was woken up again when he almost fell out of bed because Izuku had shoved him to the edge of the mattress. Their last remaining blanket lay tattered half on the bed, half on the floor at the far end, the only thing connecting them was Izuku's hand clutching Katsuki's shirt.

"Deku- oi."

He reached for his wrist and found it ...damp.

"What the fuck," he whispered into the darkness and sat up, running his hand over Deku's skin. His whole arm was damp, and the skin on his neck and forehead was wet, too. Wet and incredibly hot. Like a fever.

"OY."

But no matter where he pinched or what he did, Deku did not open his eyes... and Katsuki let his head hang for a long moment, trying to gather his patience, then he got up with a groan and went to get a wet, cold cloth from the bathroom. God only knew how else he was going to get the fever down. He wasn't Recovery Boy and he never had to deal with a fever himself.

When he came back, Izuku had started to weep heavily into his pillow. For a moment, he thought that this was nothing unusual ... but then he decided that he was not the bastard who would fall asleep if someone cried next to him. So, after a moment's hesitation, he placed the cloth where he always saw it in the movies, in the middle of his forehead, and waited to see if anything would change. But after what felt like a minute, he could still see tears rolling into the pillow. As a last idea, he pulled the clammy blanket from Deku's body, turned it to the cold side and covered him again. It could have been his imagination, but his breathing seemed to calm down again - but then the tears suddenly stopped completely and Katsuki frowned.

Was it over now? Had he fallen asleep again? Was this the peace before the storm? What the hell was happening?

Deku was breathing regularly and deeply now, like someone who realizes that he is breathing. As if he had suffocated in his dream and now worshipped every breath.

"Are you with me, nerd?"

"I'm so far down," he whispered suddenly, eyes closed, but his body began to squirm as if to fight invisible restrains, "I feel the sand in my hair and between my fingers. Nothing else. I'm so cold, Kacchan. Cold and black and I can't - I couldn't breathe."

Suddenly he jerked out of the pillow, up, rubbing and scratching the skin on his upper arms, "My arms are trapped, and my one leg, I - there was a net -"

Carefully, as if he were made of glass, Katsuki touched Deku's chest, caressed the damp freckles on his collarbones and then gently pressed him back into the pillow with the palm of one hand. Izuku let it happen.

"You're home," he reminded him, "safe."

"I don't want to die," Izuku murmured weakly, wiping lazily at his still leaking eyes, and Katsuki backed away a little, leaning on one elbow and looking down at wet eyelashes with a deep line of worry between his eyes.

"It sucks," Izuku continued to whisper, his face contorted, touching the spot where Katsuki's fingers had been a moment ago and then clenching his hand into a fist, "It reminds me of... everything I never said."

Katsuki gave him a long look, "You're not dying. "

"But... For the first time... it felt like it."

Katsuki carefully felt the temperature of his forehead and Izuku slowly opened his eyes. He had the temperature of a wood stove. His vision was strangely blurred. As if he was ... hallucinating.

"But you didn't," he insisted, also feeling Izuku's temples that were also glowing under his touch, "you're here. With me."

"With you."

"Yeah."

"It will always be you, you know."

Izuku began to cry again, smelling the blanket with devotion and extending his hands.

"Deku," he sighed and watched as his hands reached up into the air without much coordination.

"Always you," then he suddenly reached directly for Katsuki, who was still so so sleepy, too exhausted from the night's efforts to have any time to pull away.

Fingers slid awkwardly over the bridge of his nose and up into his hair, where they gripped tightly.

"Oy!"

"Look at you," Izuku took a deep breath, then continued his praise with his eyes still closed, "You're so good. So amazing. I'm so - grateful that you're here," and the next second, he had hot lips on his cheek.

"Deku, stop-" but Deku had succumbed to the dream. It was a possibility that he didn't hear him, lost in visions, spun mixtures of reality and memories.

"For this and - and - and everything. Kacchan, down there... Everything was so black, it felt so - final".

"Pssht" Katsuki wanted to back away, to turn on the light, but Deku's grip tightened, desperate, as if time was running out.

"I was so afraid. Not of the darkness. Or the cold. But when I thought that I would never see you again - I never told you - I - "

"Izuku, hey-"

"I'd miss you so much," he finally finished, sobbing so hard that Katsuki couldn't resist the pull and bent down a little.

"You won't, stupid," he said aloud through fingers that slid across his face, back into his hair, over his cheeks to his upper lip - "I'm glad it's you."

"Izuku."

"The last thing I see."

The words chased a mixture of frustration and even more unimaginable, unthinkable fear through Katsuki's ribs and deep into the most hidden part of his body. His heart. And he couldn't stand it. No more fever dreams and things that Deku would never tell him to his face. He couldn't stand it anymore.

"God damn." And he grabbed his face, still hot under his hands, disheveled hair between his fingers, tugging hard at the sweaty, dark curls until Izuku drew a choked breath.

His eyes shot up to his own, pupils finally clear, back to his senses and emerging from the quicksand of his fever dream, he stared in shock at Katsuki's much too close face.

Katsuki's usual motionless insides trembled. He shivered. Something was off.

It was as if Deku's words had reached a chime deep inside him, the echo of it causing everything in his body to tremble to the bone. He couldn't move without shaking miserably. It felt as if his control was slipping away.

"Are you done with this shit?" he murmured between two quick breaths against an open mouth and Izuku nodded shyly, but not hard enough to shake off Katsuki's hands.

"I was dreaming about you," Izuku whispered softly and red eyes narrowed accusingly.

"No shit," he replied sharply, "even in your sleep, you can't keep your damn mouth shut."

"Oh."

And then Izuku kicked away the last bit of blanket, and with less reluctance than expected, Katsuki gave in to the far too warm embrace and sank back into the pillows without a word. He was too tired, too confused, too upset to get worked up about it. He felt Deku's heartbeat slowing under his one hand and raised his voice again when he was sure that Izuku had either fallen asleep again or was calm enough to think rationally. "...that close?"

Izuku tipped his head back enough to look at him with sad eyes.

"...too close."

Katsuki looks at him thoughtfully. He was notoriously bad with words. When he had to, he would rather express things with actions.

"There are things I've never... never done too," he confessed into the protective darkness that smelled of both of them by now.

Why ... did he say that? Why now?

"Really?"

He nodded. There were thousands and thousands of things he wanted to do. Many of them concerned Deku. He always thought he still had time, but today was a hard slap in the face from life, that things never went the way they should. He grabbed a green lock and thought about how he could... do what he wanted to do. Should he even...?

"Like what?" Izuku breathed curiously.

That, and the lack of sleep decided it for him.

He mirrored Izuku's small gesture from earlier, the barely-there kiss on a freckled cheek. Immediately, greedy hands reached for his shirt and he whispered an overwhelmed curse.

He heard his heart pounding in his ears, felt his pulse in his fingers as Izuku's pupils grew larger under his touch.

"...what else?" he looked him in the eyes so openly that Katsuki slowly leaned forward without noticing and Izuku, more than eager, annihilated the last few centimeters between them.

He heard his own name against his parted lips, then felt a soft, much too warm mouth.

Katsuki had never kissed before and had not planned to do so in the near future. Maybe one day. But Deku's lips were a confusing mixture of shy and impatient, he tasted peppermint and his own toothpaste, and soon after, the mixture of both-and he needed more. Much, much more. He clenched his fist tightly in the sheets next to Deku's head and swallowed a low moan as long legs glided skillfully past his body. And then, suddenly, he found himself on top of Izuku, wedged between firm thighs, Deku's body pinned to the sheets beneath him. That was -

"Again."

His hands did anything Deku told them to do. There was hardly any space between them when he turned back to the face between his elbows. He wasn't thinking. No chance to think clearly, not with all these impressions tearing at him and the soft purple of the morning hours giving everything an unreal glow. Deku's voice had never sounded so sweet and enchanting as at this moment, here in his bed.

"Again, Kacchan, I want -"

His lips slipped from the freckles he'd been tracing when Izuku turned his head at the last moment. He felt cool teeth and then the tip of a tongue.

In another life, he would surely have found this disgusting.

Now, he found it thrilling. He wanted more. Releasing his hand from the crumpled sheet, he intertwined his fingers with Izuku’s hand instead, and a short, sweet gasp was his reward.

And he wasn't the only one questioning the unwritten boundaries of the present.

"I'm dead," Izuku whispered dreamily when he had a second to catch his breath, "I'm in heaven."

Katsuki bit his lips and tried desperately to control himself, "You're--"

But Izuku had pulled him down again, harder this time, trapping him with his legs. His hip jerked up from the bed, pressed firmly against his and a soft whimper spilled between them. Katsuki closed his eyes for a moment and took a long breath.

"You're awake, right?"

"Hm."

"Aware that you're not dreaming."

"Hm-hm."

"Izuku."

Deku's eyes fluttered open and he stared at him intently, the tints of the awakening morning, purple and lavender, drew deep shadows into the otherwise calm green of his pupils. He didn't blink, didn't lower his head, didn't look away. Izuku watched him as if he had been the one who had pulled him out of the icy water. As if he belonged only to him.

"Katsuki."

His heart stopped and every hair on his body rose. He felt like he was free falling.

God damn it. His lungs were failing. What the fuck.

He sensed panic.

He was no match for this. He was no match for Izuku and his massive heart. Not for the intimacy and especially not for the dark and crawling things that suddenly arose in his heart when he heard his name in Deku's voice. Lying here like this was too much, too raw, and he hadn't expected any of this. Not in his wildest dreams. His brain sizzled uselessly in his skull, as if he had been the loser who had been deprived of oxygen for too long.

The only thing that would help, that could pause or end the situation, or at least put it out of his mind for now, was - "Sleep".

"W-what?" stammered Deku, confused, still between his elbows, green hair spread over his own shitty pillow, "No!"

He didn't move an inch as he nodded, "Yes."

"Kacchan, I almost died and you - you kissed me and I - I'm lying here in your bed and we -"

"Don't you think that's enough for one night?" he asked and Deku's mouth snapped shut.

He could read it clearly in his eyes. The doubt, the fear, the worry that he was just fantasizing.

"But..."

"We'll settle the rest tomorrow," he interrupted, still above him, still not in control of his senses, "at breakfast. With the other two idiots-"

"Which two-"

"Shitty Hair and Halfie. On the couch."

Izuku turned his head to the side when he heard the name, his face twisted in pain, obviously reliving an unpleasant memory.

"Sh-Shouto pulled me out of the water," he finally whispered, "I was unresponsive."

Katsuki blinked twice as he involuntarily thought about it.

Izuku. Lifeless. Drenched. ...damn it.

Had Todoroki carefully spread him out on the floor? He boldly met Izuku's eyes. Had he done chest compressions? He looked at his bitten lips. Had he had to do CPR? Had his mouth been on Deku's...? Did they...?

A certain image short-circuited Katsuki's mind and suddenly, as if controlled by the hot sting in his chest, he leaned down, grabbed Deku's jaw and pulled his face towards him. He licked his way through soft lips, deeper, over the roof of his mouth, pushing Deku's chin down, forcing his mouth to open even wider, sinking deeper and deeper into Izuku's mouth without the slightest resistance.

It was a faint sound, like a moan, deep in the mouth below his, that brought Katsuki back to his senses like a slap in the face. He jerked his head back and held his breath, his fingers still in Deku's face.

"Fuck," he cursed, and pulled his hand back, and Izuku didn't stop him this time as he lifted himself up and came down beside him in one fell swoop, looking up at the ceiling in sheer shock. What the hell. His heart raged. His thoughts were a disgusting tightrope dance between confusion and obsession.

What the hell was happening to him?

"What's wrong?" Deku asked from the side and he swallowed hard. Yes, what the hell was wrong? He sucked at comforting, okay. He sucked at caring and supporting. But what was going on in his messed up head to force himself on Deku like that?

So maybe Halfie had brought him back to life. That was a damn good thing, and nothing to be upset about...nothing that should make him want to reclaim his 'property' or whatever.

Especially not like this.

"God I’m - I'm damn sorry," he wheezed against the growing self-doubt.

"For ...just now?"

"Yeah. You've had a fucked up day and I - I don't fucking know - I can't - shit," he pushed his fingers deep into his hair and swung his legs out of bed. His heart ached and he didn't fucking get why.

Why now. Why here. Why? The pain at the roots of his hair didn't help at all.

"Tell me how you feel."

"No, this is about you. You-"

"Kacchan."

Something slid around his middle, hands, hair tickled his neck and breath warmed the fabric between his shoulders, "Please."

"I don't fucking know."

He squeezed his eyes shut, trying to force his heart to obey with a tight, painful grip on his chest, but it didn't help.

Fingers intertwined with his own, loosening the grip on his shirt.

"Do you want me to leave?"

He gripped Izuku's hand far too tightly, suppressing the shaking of his head and the impending "no" with all his might. Instead, he released the pressure from his grip, lowered his shoulders and whispered: "Do what you want."

For the first time, he didn't feel like a jerk. Giving Deku his space. Easing the pressure. But of course, the moron didn't see it that way.

"I'll stay with you then."

Izuku made use of their connection, pulled him back firmly, pressed his back into the crumpled sheet and leaned over him. Katsuki felt something he hadn't felt for a long time, hot and wet running down his temples and then a head rested on his chest and he abandoned the thought of covering his face.

"Feelings are a merciless thing, Kacchan," Izuku whispered and Katsuki nodded while chewing on his lips. More tears ran down into the hair at his ears. But it was okay as long as Deku didn't see them.

"I had no idea it would have such an impact on you..."

He didn't know that either. He'd always been affected a little. But this? He was damn crying. And if he didn't pull himself together enough to say something, Izuku would notice.

"I never - I scold you when you fuck up," his breathing was heavy as more tears found their way, unwanted and suppressed for years, they took full advantage of this situation, fuck, "But I never - it's often been quite dangerous, but back then... you said - you said-"

"What did I say?"

For a heartbeat he hesitated, then something inside him he didn't recognize won out and he finished his thought.

"I would miss you so much."

It was as much a quote as it was a never-said, distorting truth and it ripped the last bit of control out of Katsuki's hands just like the current had swept Izuku into the blackness of the river earlier.

"Kacchan."

"I would miss you so - so fucking much," he repeated, helpless against the tears, helpless against the arms wrapped around his neck, and even more helpless against the feeling of despair that suddenly haunted him every second he thought about the After. The After after a close call. An After without Izuku.

"I never thought about the possibility that you'd -"

The hug became so tight that it almost hurt. But it was exactly what he needed, something that stung and stayed. He wrapped his hands around the body above him and stifled his pitiful gasps in the crook of Deku's neck.

"Thank you," Deku whimpered softly against his shoulder, "you don't even know - Kacchan, thank you. Thank you."

"What the hell for?"

"It means that you believe in me, doesn't it? That you believe in me - in my victory so much that no matter how close it is, it never occurred to you that it might end. That I might not make it."

In the midst of all the chaos, that felt like ...a dimensional redemption. He took a breath. His thoughts cleared.

Yeah, exactly.

It was as if Deku had drilled a physical insight into his ribs, something that finally sealed the hole he had torn open with his near death.

He was right. That was part of what it meant.

But at the back of his mind, Katsuki had a faint fear that it also meant something much much bigger. He'd kissed him. Kissing wasn't a sign of a strong belief in someone. It stood for something that had its seeds sown long ago and with roots that went much deeper than that.

"I want to say one more thing before this night is over."

"Hn?"

"You mean the world to me, Katsuki Bakugou. I don't want to hear any more excuses for anything you said or did today."

Katsuki nodded, not knowing if Izuku registered it at all. Something hit his ribs. At first, he thought it was an accident, but then Izuku poked him so hard that he realized what he was up to. He wanted to get them both back into bed.

Determined, he wiped his face, pulled his legs back onto the bed, pulled the second blanket from the floor and slid back into the middle of the bed. There, he rolled over onto his stomach and lay face down on the pillow.

Deku squeezed into the non-existent space under one of his arms without waiting to be asked, wrapped it around himself with cold hands, and then let out a long breath.

"We'll figure out the rest tomorrow, okay?"

Katsuki didn't trust his voice so he rubbed his face against Izuku's neck and nodded once with tight lips. He didn't know how long he lay there, breathing consciously and storing the scent of the boy in his arms in every cell of his body. At some point, he whispered, "Do you know what we'll do tomorrow?" He didn't know if Izuku was still awake, so he continued: "You and I will become an official team. I don't give a flying fuck about the weather. If it rains water, snow or ashes, I don't care. The next time you're in danger like this, I'll be the one to save you. Immediately. I'll save you before you even know you need saving."

Izuku, his cheeks again damp, turned awkwardly in the half hug until he could rest his cheek directly on Kacchan's steadily beating heart. Izuku's hair tickled his chin and he pushed the tips aside with one hand, ran it through his disheveled hair and finally buried his hand somewhere near the back of his head.

"What d’you say?"

"I'd like that," he whispered, "A lot."

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