bonheur-delight

[bonheur-delight]

The end is near

yep.. the end is near. not like the end like the apocalypse, not like that. what i meant was, my days here is getting short. im on my last second year of my degree. it has been sooo long since i wrote it here. so many things to get done. okay so update on me; im 21 this year (ayye ya gal is legit legal now woot wooot) im on my fourth semester out of six and im great. i always thought that since im on my fourth semester, i can handle it. but nope, she cant. ngl, i had a pretty tough first day i HAD enough of this. yeah i know.. its only been like... two days of semester 4. sheesh...

buuuut, so far so good. i hope im mentally prepared myself for this and i always told myself that to always up to the challenge. dont give up easily bcs I've been through this far and i am absolutely not going to back down. not today, not in this life. whenever i feel a bit anxious, nervous and wtv the unpleasant feels, i always tell myself that it is okay to feel that bcs those feelings are what makes me aware that this is for the sake of my future. i am allowed to be worried and scared for this but i never let myself sink deep into those feelings. i believed that those challenges that gonna shape me into a better person.

yesterday, i was asked by my lecturer what am i in the next 5 years.. i never thought of that tbh. so, i just tell her what i think i wanna do. i wanna work as a marketing manager outside my country. and pheww she moved on to the next person. later that night, as i was pondering before go to sleep, i talked to myself, "am i going to be that?? is that possible??" but i was so sleepy i just fell asleep.

this morning, suddenly that thought came across my mind but i hold it up bcs this is not the right place for me to think deep. so i was alone right now in my room, i did some chores and while i did that, i was thinking, why i need to think that it is impossible to achieve that goals? bcs if we think about it, hmm.. okay alright, lets flashback to 2015, which was 5 years ago..

5 years ago, she was only 16 years old girl. had no idea what future was coming at her. she was absolutely clueless about her future bcs she just entered upper form. she wasn't sure if science stream was her forte.. all she think was just do it. whatever going to happen, just fk it. she just enjoyed her highschool life to the fullest. she learned new things, met new people, experienced her first crush, etc. back then, she NEVER knew that she would pursue her degree in international business. which was waaaaay different than her current studies which that time was pure science. she always thought that she is going to be a doctor, or at least anything that related to science. she's not that bright student but she got an amazing spirit inside her. she had a strong feeling that she's going to make it. she's truly just go with the flow..

fast forward today, now she's currently doing and almost completed her degree in international business. she is me. yup, i know life can be unexpected sometimes but that makes my life much more interesting. i learned so many things, acknowledge a bit of pure science and ngl, im not regretting anything that ever happened in my life. bcs you see, life's short. go big or go home. you gotta be bold and strong and prepared to whatever things that you'll get through. so, as i think right now, it is not possible to achieve what I've had said about my 'next 5 years'.

God had created our path so beautifully. He knows the best for us. always have faith in it. it is true, sometimes i question myself, why i agreed to further my study? but i know that God has planned my life and i know i can handle this.

i really hope the present and future me could be strong and always strive for opportunities and never regret whatever happened to me, bcs i know, everything that happens, it happens for reason :)

- 1020pm, 250220 tues

[bonheur-delight]

unspoken words..

so many unspoken words, feelings and emotions. sometimes it can be too overwhelmed. it might felt suffocated. some will tell others, some will keep it to themselves. i have so many things going on. couldn't quite put finger on it. its 2.34AM, a peak hour for everyone who wants to feel lonely..

deep inside me, I've always wanted to true to myself. be as transparent as i can. but the world (society) seems to disagree with that. whatever comes out of my mouth, it might hurt others. talked about this with my friends, they told me to be transparent as i can. but, it always turned out bad. how ironically, they wanted me to be transparent, but whenever i tried to rant something, they're always not there..

I'm so used to it.

i kinda immune to it. at first i took it by heart, now i took it by brain. because i know, if i took it by heart, i might ended up getting hurt. however, if i took it by brain, i can think that probably they're busy with theirs. it kind of stop me from overthinking.

that's it, that's all i got to say.

- 0648pm, thurs 171019

[bonheur-delight]

you're worth it, okay?

this is an old story that happened last year. and it started like this..

my lil sister told us a story about a 14 y/o girl's trying to commit suicide... at her school... when i heard that horrible news, i can't stop thinking about it. imagine, she's been so depressed and she thinks that suicide can let her go all her problems. she's still small, what y'all think about a sweet 14 y/o girl to commit suicide. oh honey how i wished I'm there with you, to comfort you, listen to all your rants & problems.

so basically she's been accused for stealing money. this girl asked her (14 y/o) if she took her money. however, she denied it. due to pressure from her senior, one night she decided to do it. she called someone, that time she's already sat at her balcony, literally with one push, she could fall to death. before she fell, she said something to this other girl, "sorry, saya amik duit tu" then literally after that, she fell... from 3rd level.

it's so high she broke her jaw, arms & legs. the injuries may led to permanent disability. blood flows from one of her ear, its probably she fell on her head quite hard. not gonna lie, everyone who still awakes was absolutely shocked. this is so sad. in my POV, i feel absolutely terrible because i couldn't help her. how i wished i can. i know how much she wants to let go that stuffed up on her chest; how much she wanted to tell everyone what she felt. it must be some reasons why she stole the money.

whatever the reasons were, we have to accept it. she's been thro so much. she deserves to feel happy & at ease. alhamdulillah Allah saved her. allahuakbar Allah is indeed the greatest. i hope she's okay right now. to the girl who tried to commit suicide, its okay baby girl you're worth it, okay?? whatever obstacles you're having right now, how hard your life is, i wanted you to be as strong as you can. i want to let you know that you're loved. you deserve so much more in this world.

you are more than this. i love you so much i need you to be strong. may Allah forgives all your sins and may Allah bestowed upon you His light, happiness & love. may Allah protects all of us i know this journal won't be able to reach to you, but i do really wish you can read this and give you strength to keep living your life to the fullest. you got this! ✊🏽

- 1230am, mon 141019

[bonheur-delight]

Hello.. is anybody here??

hellooooo! yeap im back again.. after soooooo long! okay quick updates: im 20, week 6, 2nd semester, sipping my hot chocolate on rainy days.

I'm feeling quite okay these days. no negative vibes. i tried to force myself to write more but i cant help myself being lazy. i need to change my attitude. i always wanted to make a cute hand-written journals with cute doodles.. its really inspiring me to write more but heh im so lazy to write!! oh also ive got myself a planner! YEAH IKR!! AHAHHAAH im trying to be productive actually; record all my expenses and later regret it, mark down important dates or events. things like that.

istg im getting lazy-er. so to sum up all what ive got this 2nd semester is; new friends, new clique ok wow THAT fast huh?!?!?!!, ...

SEE??!?!?!??!!! I FORGOT WHAT I WANNA WRITE URGH ITS ANNOYING!! 😤 okla bye

p/s: i bought a new phone hihi finally!!

[bonheur-delight]

at the verge of dying

I'm so stressed!! I've got a lot assignments to get done and things just get worst and worst!! im so demotivated right now. if suicide is allowed in islam, I'd probably kill myself right now. my heart ache, my head ache. i need this degree, this is for the sake of my future. im in charge of my future. i want my future kids to live happily without stressing about money. i need to work my ass off. i want to make my parents proud of me. never in my whole life i made them proud. i need to keep force myself to work even harder. I've always had this on my mind: "you're lucky to get a chance to further your studies, not all people had that chance. so dont wasted it, go for it. do it with all of your heart.". this thing keeps me going.

i cried so hard after i got "stay strong i know u can do this" from my bestfriend. i cried. so hard. i sobbed. i need my strength. i need someone besides me; comfort me and tell me everything's gonna be alright. i need to get through this. whatever happens, it happens for reasons. these challenges make me strong. it shaped me for who im going to be in the future. in my pov, these challenges are so train my physical & mental to be strong bcs later in the future, when i look back to these days; I'd probably be like "ahh.. those days were so easy why im stressing over small things?".

Actually thats the thing, challenges shape you into something good that you yourself cant imagine how its going to be. somehow we need to be grateful for challenges that happened to us today or tomorrow or any days because when you looked back at those days, you'd probably be smiling and think "lmao i was so childish back then. very crybaby". yikes ahahaha

honestly its okay to cry over things you're stress about, because at the end of the day, all the tears that roll down to your cheeks, those tears are so meaningful, as it shed from a very strong person; you. so whatever challenges we're facing right now, i really do hope that we're strong enough to face this. i know we can do this. Allah is here for us. always 💗

to the future nna: dont!! ever!! give up!! this is just a small challenges for you. think these challenges as a catalyst for you to work even harder, not to procrastinate & to be a better person. whenever you're feeling down, take quran and read. text your friends. talk to Allah about your problems. though you cant see him, He sees & hears you. all you need to is be the strongest person on earth and face those challenges with a strong heart. you are a fighter. you overcome the challenges. you dont break easily. you are stronger than you think. people around you love you so much. though they have a high expectations on you but trust me, those expectations are gonna make you a better person 💝💖

ㅡ 8.46PM, WED 241018, nna

[bonheur-delight]

It's raining on lazy tuesday

TEST! REPLACEMENT CLASS! TUTORIALS! AAAAAAAAAAAA 😱😩 I'm sooooo done with today. I've got so many things to get done but here i am, lying on my comfy bed with my pink fluffy pillow with my tshirt & shorts on; yep im not going to do the works 😎 actually im not that lazy, its just im so tired even though today i only have accounting class???????just freaking one class okay???????!??????? damnnn i am really that tired huh..

ok honestly i dont really want to post anything because i might be suddenly doze off without even realised (yep guys i am so tired). since its raining outside and its very chill in this room, the tendency for me to sleep is a b s o l u t e l y high!! my eyes right now are like this -_- ���😭 oh i think because i ate Mcdonalds for lunch; spicy chicken mcdeluxe omhggg sjdhsbsknskska #cravingstatisfied omg guys im so sorry for a very short journal because my eyes cant take it anymore. i really need some time to take a nap. yes nap... hopefully its a nap aminn 😂

ㅡ 5:55PM, TUE 231018, nna

[bonheur-delight]

aloha, degree life!

hii hellooo its been awhileeeeeee since I've got here hehehe. I've been busy lately because finally I'm in university! I'm furthering my studies on International Business at my local university! yeah kinda excited bcs alhamdulillah i got the chance to make my parents proud again! so far this is the biggest achievement I've ever did for myself. never thought I'd get this opportunity to do so! and I'm so blessed with this blessing ❤ this is going to be my biggest challenge so far & i need to be strong to handle all the challenges 💪😤

fast forward to today; it's been week 8. WEEK 8!! THIS IS THE WEEK WHERE INDIVIDUAL ASSINGMENT NEED TO BE HAND IN!! AND I DIDNT DO A N Y T H I N G YET!! i hate myself bcs i kept procrastinating 😭 i know i need to get these things done. if you know me, you know how i kept procrastinating things. i really need to change myself or else I'm going to fail my whole entire life..

I'd say my life here pretty good. however there's 1 thing i hate abt local universities; co-curriculum. i fucking hate that. honestly it is just a waste of time & energy. okay i got it that the point of having co-curriculum is to shape an individual to be a discipline student. but we have so goddamn many ways to do so!! other than marching for every Monday?!?!?!! i hate my co-curriculum bcs of my commanders. they're so sjdbsnskskmz!! yeah sjdnskmdskks!!! i get it yall wanted to be strict but STOP SHOUTING @ OUR GODDAMN FACE OMG! 😒 without them, i think I'd love co-curriculum as much as i love to go to class (a bit of lying but 30% of it is true)

my room is sooo cozy and comfyyy i loooove to be with my bed!! 😍 #absolutelybae 😍 & obviously i dont have any problems with my roommate ehehe (she's hella cool though). my timetable for this semester is quite okay bcs i dont really have so much evening classes. bcs i HATE evening classes. in the evening we sleep okay! im more to morning classes > evening classes. bcs that's the only time that my brain actually functioning.

distance between my dorm & faculty are not that far. so it is veryyy convenient for me to walk to my class. my classmates are so nice & pretty! they're so funny and love to chit chat. TOTALLY MY TYPE OF FRIENDS! week 1 'till week 3 (i think??) are awkward phase; where we don't talk to each other unless it's important. but slowly we're getting close week by week (yes not day by day it is just too fast). actually it turns out that they're older than me! only 6 of us are the same age; 19. but it doesn't matter actually since we're nice to each other.

the courses that i took for this semester are: marketing, management, business law, 3rd language (arabic), islamic civilization, end user application, & accounting. alhamdulillah so far its okay (but wait until at the end of 1st semester, D I E D). i won't say much for this since im getting tired & sleepy 😷😪.

to the future nna; you can do this. i know you can! you are stronger that you actually think! you are so much mooore than this. i pray for myself to always being blessed by Allah SWT. He is the Almighty. He knows the best for your future. always have faith in Him & may you always be successful in any way you'd imagine!

ㅡ 12.08AM, MON 221018, nna

[bonheur-delight]

to the boy i gave my whole heart to.

this time. its real. im having a real relationship. not online-relationship like you rarely meet him. no. he's my best friend. we known each other for about 6 months (before he confessed to me). he likes me on the 1st semester. he confessed to me on our 2nd semester.

he's such an amazing friend, a reliable one. he's my great listener, an excellent adviser & great great greaaaaaat best friend. he loves to comfort me whenever im feeling down. he's personality.. omg dont get me started on that! I'd loooove to talk abt him days and nights. he's my obsession.

i love him so much. i really do. never in my life I've loved someone so dearly (exclude my family okies). i can say he was my first love because he always keep it real with me...

not until we had a fight. a small one. but small becomes bigger and worst.. I'm afraid of losing him. I'd do whatever it takes to save our relationship. i love us so much. i know if this relationship is worth to me, so it is worth to fight for.

the thing is got jealous with my own friend.. come on im jealous because i love him so much and i had this craaaazy thoughts on what-if-she-wants-to-steal-him-from-me kinda thoughts..

okay.. i asked you, is it wrong for me to feel jealous?? im like, im just jealous for a while and after that, im okay. idk why but thats me, i tend to get so jealous and it feels hurt inside. and it felt even worst when you have to endure that feeling so that you won't hurt anyone mentally.

all i need is reassurance. i need to make sure that you love me as much as i love you. relationship works both ways, it doesn't work one way babe.. sadly to say, he's kind of person who likes to run away from problem (based on what his closed friend told me).

so we haven't talked for few days. and i swear to god it feels like hell. imagine seeing him laughing with his friends, joking around with them, it makes me feel extremely sad. because i wanna laugh with him, i want to be there with him. but unfortunately, i can't.

that night, i decided i wanna talk about our relationship with him; face to face. so both of us can have a clear vision of what's going on between us. no secrets, just truths.

-- 1:15 AM, SUN 200518, nna

[bonheur-delight]

introduction.

hi guys! this is my online journals (?) ehehehe. this is a platform for me to express my feelings, moods & daily rants. i decided to write everything abt what ive been feeling bcs this is the only way I'd feel okay. I'll be known as "nna". if you ever stumbled upon this page. hit me up! you can rant EVERYTHING here! I'll be your great listener 😚

disclaimer: pardon my grammar ehehehe my english isnt that good :))))