booooooooomer

[booooooooomer]

Been busy pursuing other interests (later post, just like the other later post I'll totally do); also been calm and just playing Zelda BotW and Super Smash Bros, but today was different.

1. I woke up way later than normal evem though I had planned on doing some work and what not, but just could not get out of bed because I was exhausted and I hadn't even got up.

2. I've come to realize that while I do accept things may not work out with my friends, me missing them wasn't nonsense or my lusts talking. I genuinely enjoy their connection and their uniqueness, and although it sounds silly, I want to at least try to reconnect at some point maybe a month or so from now. Very slowly, setting healthy boundaries, expectations, and most importantly, definitions on what we currently see and want out of a friendship (if at all).

3. The world is in chaos, and I am still in some internal chaos and confusion. I'm not even going to talk about the United States politics side of things, but I honestly don't know how I feel about our tactical strike in Iran. I discussed it with a few friends and it's an immensely deep and complex topic that eventually moves out of Iran and even the MENA region, but from our armchair politician/strategist point of view, it's definitely another unsettling event in the last decade or so of provocations globally by all powers, and honestly I think it's fair to say that we dont need another World War, but it might be more inevitable and present than we believe. In light of that, it's 3am, my thoughts aren't changing this night or maybe even tomorrow night, but I feel just a bit more motivated to pursue my goals as well as fix all of the shit that I'm able to in my personal and social life before it may be too late.

- drunken dad philosopher (M57 duuuh)

[booooooooomer]

Nothing to say for once. Words are feeling empty right now, I'm just saying to say, is what my mind's saying what I'm feeling? Probably not, finally moving on I think, but still in pain, but even that's going away.

[booooooooomer]

I'm not in the feels tonight, I'm just kinda angry but more just disappointed in the actions of everyone involved. Like I didn't know you could miss people but also hate them so much at the same time.

I'm not jealous, I'm not bitter, I might be overreacting, I'm definitely anxious, but I think most of all I'm in denial. Like I just threw away everyone I cared about but they'll be coming back, right? It's just a few weeks, right?

Well, it isn't, they're gone, I can't accept it, but it's true.

I'm starting to move on, but every step is pain. A billion Legos, a stead flow of fresh lava, hell even the surface of the sun don't hurt as much as I do in my heart.

Y'know, I know I'm wrong, but at the same time I can't help but hope that maybe this was all one big misunderstanding, maybe I can talk it out with each of them, maybe maybe maybe maybe maybe...

I'm a child, i want the fairy tale ending, I want the second chance, I want my goddamn redemption arc, but it ain't ever coming that way and I need to move on. I need to let go of what was.

I need to plan for the future without them, I need to imagine myself in a better place, and hell maybe I need to start figuring out how to find their replacements because there isn't a 60 day return policy on friendships.

Fuck me, just end me, I'm done with this shit, good night 🖕

[booooooooomer]

Also genuinely asking, where did the calm me who shrugged off everything go? When did I let emotions become important... I genuinely feel like shit but at the same time I can't help but feel the past year or so I've felt so much more alive and connected while also feeling so much pain. Thanks, but I fucking hate it.

[booooooooomer]

The answer is yes, it's weird because it's now just a diary I think. It's a bit more emotional, a lot leas reflective, and considering most of this is posted from midnight to 3am, I don't think it necessarily hits the daily part either 😅

For realsies this time, asking my hypothetical audience, is it weird to have a tumblr page, like the one by yours truly, that is basically just weird rants and illusions from my head transcribed? Would it be more or less weird with actual people? Could I live with the shame/weirdness of other people knowing this shit (HELL. NO.)

- Mark Zuckerburg to his botnet when he first made Facebook but it wasn't actually popular so he needed bots

[booooooooomer]

Feel so fake.

Like I don't know why I ever thought I could be a good person to others, I just am like surface level generic to everyone. Always cheerful always smiling. And if I let someone in, I immediately show them my disgusting and terrifying side of me in an attempt to push them out again.

Even worse, I'm not just fake to my friends, maybe even my family too, I'm a fraud where being a fraud means someone loses their life.

If I ever graduate from engineering, I'm probably going to have a lot of Cs, nowhere near qualified enough to do anything, but I can say I'm an engineer. I'm just going to be a highly paid office slave but instead of a bad spreadsheet and a 5 minute fix, it could be a bad plane or a bad engine and someone doesn't get to chase their dreams or go see their family again.

My worse fear, even worse than death or lightning or abandonment is the day someone sees through me, someone knows I'm a fraud, and I'm afraid of that day coming when it's someone or something that counts.

Maybe it's my insecurities, maybe it's imposter syndrome (but for likr everything), or maybe it's my consciousness trying to get me to fix it before it's too late. I don't know, and I don't know how much I care anymore.

[booooooooomer]

Don't listen to a liar 🤭

On a more serious note, it's now 2am, and I've been not very not self destructive.

I decided to go sleuthing the internet for a particular individual who is not in my life anymore, and when that turned up disappointing and kinda empty handed, I decided to scroll instagram for 5 minutes and call it quits.

Boy was I wrong.

So, PSA to all out there:

Women aren't property.

You dont own women.

Women have feelings.

If you're in a relationship, listen to their feelings.

Women aren't a car or a house or a table, they can't always be perfect and you dont get to write them off or say they're totalled because they have emotional trauma and "can't function in modern society".

You aren't smart or clever by saying shit about how bad woman are, you're just scum.

Everyone is a human with the same sets of emotions. Men AND Women need love and attention and therapists. Humans are like flowers, just need love to grow not water.

I didn't think I'd be getting into a debate with a literal 30 year old man over the above main points, but, here we are, and I now see why he's single and trying to look posh. Beating your wife is not cool, and emotionally neglecting your wife is equally bad. Fuck off you scum of the earth.

Seantrader2001 on Instagram you are the jackiest of asses and the bottomest of toilet bowl scum, I hope you never find a wife until you actually learn to respect women (or people as a whole, but start with women).

[booooooooomer]

For realsies this time, asking my hypothetical audience, is it weird to have a tumblr page, like the one by yours truly, that is basically just weird rants and illusions from my head transcribed? Would it be more or less weird with actual people? Could I live with the shame/weirdness of other people knowing this shit (HELL. NO.)

- Mark Zuckerburg to his botnet when he first made Facebook but it wasn't actually popular so he needed bots

[booooooooomer]

Kinda lied, but, pt. 2, HYPOTHETICALLY, if you pushed some people out of your life, when are they gone gone, when is it still ok to beg like a dog for forgiveness, and how tf do you make new friends??? Oh and most importantly, if it's too late to beg, how do you evict them because they're living rent free in my head 🥲

[booooooooomer]

Last thought post, mainly cause I'm feeling pretty alright and would 100% carry bad vibes into the morning if I kept going...

Saw something about how instead of isolating yourself from others you actually need friends or at least trusted people who give constructive criticism and feedback to actually grow mentally and with certain psychological issues or bad habits.

So let's say hypothetically you pushed away all the people who mattered, don't have a clue in hell on how to get them back, and everyone else you know is some distant friend or someone you don't trust more than showing them some parts of you but mostly the fake version because that's the only way you became friends, um, how tf do you do this?

Do you first go back and beg like a dog or some shit for forgiveness, or do you just ignore what proven advice they give and falsely try to work on yourself in a way that doesn't really work?

Oh and don't be silly, I can't go make new friends 😅

[booooooooomer]

Thought #2 of the night, a slightly abstracted version of my life with minor plot changes and/or replacements set in a star wars style trilogy(ies?) could be pretty dope for like an anime or manga plot line.

[booooooooomer]

Lots of rain tonight, right when I was going to fall asleep (healthy bedtime, no way, right?), had this random opinion.

Most people find rain very calming or at least something that isn't bothersome.

Sure it may ruin your day plans, it may suck if you get stuck out in it, and if thunder strikes WAY too close, you may shit yourself, but not too many people find it terrifying or scary.

Don't get me wrong, I do like rain, and it's normally a good thing for the great outdoors where I live, but whenever it rains at night I'm terrified. All I can remember is the tone of the weather radio going off and the NWS announcer going, paraphrasing "this is an official announcement, tornado warning bitches!"

Now for the uninformed, Warning = that shit is going to your house, while Watch = look for funny little clouds cuz shit could maybe come to your house.

So, it's a Warning, shit, grab shoes and flashlight and sprint down to the basement (something I've found isn't too common in the South or also in new houses because probably $$$), and wait that shit out.

99/100 it wasn't anything, but damn I do hate night rain, I almost always refuse to sleep, and instead of that honestly still terrifying weather radio tone, I just watch my phone until it's over.

Oh and sure call me a pussy, but I also don't like thunder very much. Not scared of thunder, but scared of what it means, way too fucking much electricity coming down from the skies.

Anywhoo, night storms suck 🖕

[booooooooomer]

Also, yesterday was father's day, but my dad left. Good news, it wasn't awkward or weird, plus I didn't get any desperate texts, so, I think he's finally realizing I'm done with him and his lies and his bullshit for a while, at least until he goes and actually gets help and works on himself. Nuff said.

[booooooooomer]

Real talk, this has been great to feel my feelings, but I'm also realizing after an hour to a day, I really don't agree with me in the moment. I don't know what this means, but it can't be good.

[booooooooomer]

Also pt1.1 of the last post, fuck drunken philosophers, how about philosophy taken from the deepest darkest corners of your soul because you felt bad or sad or really hungry or heard some wild shit on the TV.

Like give me soul searched (copyright pending) philosophy, it not only gives me a huge magnifying glass into what kind of person they are, but also like it normally means more than "if I had 2 nickels" or some shit.

- CEO of taking your bad emotions and rants inc.

[booooooooomer]

I'm in my feels today, just some thoughts I had, I don't support them or experience them (mostly), but they may mean something to someone.

You don't always get to say sorry.

And, if you do get to say sorry you aren't ever guaranteed closure or a response.

If you're lonely you may never find someone.

Your soul mate may not exist and you may have to settle on the man or woman who is the second best thing.

A majority of people are just living their lives, not trying to hurt you, not trying to break you, but somehow they end up doing it anyways.

You can have all of the love in the world but feel like you have none if it isn't from the right person.

Family is just family by blood and legal documents, you don't owe them anything if you don't want to be hurt anymore.

Nobody is rooting for you in this world, you may have to push yourself.

Money can't buy happiness, but damn is it a good cheatcode.

A lot of situations could be avoided through 2 people talking it out truthfully and genuinely listening the other person.

People come and go, but just because they've left doesn't mean they're gone.

[booooooooomer]

Also also, random thought (not). I love how snapchat and Instagram both know I'm a dude and try to get me to engage by sending me shit like "POPULAR/PRETTY WOMAN CELEBRITY DOES SHOCKING THING" or like Instagram in particular will always give OF models no matter how I try to filter that out or hit I'm not interested.

I want to see sports and cars and engineering and cats. That's who I like and follow and share, not models or adult actors. Plus like sure the people they show are attractive, but I could never be like obsessed or go buy their OF or anything, because they just look good. Like I'd rather be obsessed over someone who isn't perfect or isn't conventionally attractive, or maybe someone I didn't see as attractive at all a first but come to admire because not only are they beautiful in their own way on the outside, but they are pretty on the inside and show that to other people through their positive actions towards others.

Idk what this take is but I do know fuck social media and its shitty algorithms.