borderlinereminders

[borderlinereminders]

A relapse happening doesn't mean this is the end. It doesn't mean all your effort was wasted. You can get up and try again. Give yourself a bit more grace.

[borderlinereminders]

While it's not okay that you hurt people while you were hurting, you don't deserve to punish yourself forever.

You're also allowed to forgive yourself, even if others can't.

You can learn and do better. You aren't irredeemable.

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Your loved ones being angry at you doesn't mean they've stopped loving you. It's normal to feel frustrated, annoyed or even angry with someone you know. It does not mean you are suddenly less important or that they don't care.

(Of course, when they're angry at you, they shouldn't be treating you poorly either. Handling anger in healthy ways in relationships is really important to the overall health of the relationship.)

[borderlinereminders]

I know some of us won't say what we mean because we feel guilty about it, but now having been on the other side of it, I can tell you that I find it much less exhausting for a loved one to just tell me they need something from me so I don't need to put a lot of energy into guessing. It's okay to ask for help. It's okay to be direct. It's better for your relationships, and you and your loved ones.

Please stop getting angry at people because they take you at your word.

If you tell someone to leave you alone, then it isn't fair to get upset when they do that. They shouldn't be expected to read your mind and know this truly means that you don't want them to. We talk so much about respecting boundaries, and often get upset at people when we say something that could be perceived as a boundary and they follow it. It is not fair to test someone like this.

If you tell someone that you're fine and don't need anything, then it isn't fair to get upset at people when they don't read your mind to know that that isn't the case. A lot of us have so much going on in our own lives and I need to be able to trust my loved ones to be honest if they need or want something from me. Guessing games are exhausting.

Please just say what you mean. When we don't do that, if often hurts your loved ones and you.

[borderlinereminders]

Please stop getting angry at people because they take you at your word.

If you tell someone to leave you alone, then it isn't fair to get upset when they do that. They shouldn't be expected to read your mind and know this truly means that you don't want them to. We talk so much about respecting boundaries, and often get upset at people when we say something that could be perceived as a boundary and they follow it. It is not fair to test someone like this.

If you tell someone that you're fine and don't need anything, then it isn't fair to get upset at people when they don't read your mind to know that that isn't the case. A lot of us have so much going on in our own lives and I need to be able to trust my loved ones to be honest if they need or want something from me. Guessing games are exhausting.

Please just say what you mean. When we don't do that, if often hurts your loved ones and you.

[borderlinereminders]

I once read a shirt that said 'I endured debilitating childhood trauma and all I got was this personality disorder.'

And I've known since then that I need that shirt.

[borderlinereminders]

Something I’ve seen mentioned a few times is that walking away from an argument is “manipulative.”

And I want to talk about that.

Can it be manipulative? Absolutely, it can. It becomes manipulative if the person is doing this to get their way, or make the other person feel bad. It becomes manipulative if it’s a form of “punishment” to make the other person want to apologize and let stuff go so that they aren’t ignored.

But I find for me, I need to walk away because my emotions are out of control. I imagine this is true for a lot of other people, whether you have BPD or not.

You aren’t manipulative if you need to walk away to protect yourself, or if you want to get a handle on your emotions.

Phrases like the below might be helpful to help the other person not feel “abandoned”. Because I’ve been on the other side of this too. It can be really hard when you’re in a disagreement and the other person needs to walk away from you.

“I’m not trying to avoid responsibility/this conversation/etc but I need some space to collect my thoughts.”

“I’m feeling really overwhelmed right now and need to walk away to breathe”

“I really want to work this out with you but I need to get to a calmer state of mind first.”

If it applies, some reminders that you still care about them and want to work this out, but need some time to get to a calm place might be helpful.

Especially for those of us who may deal with things like BPD rage, sometimes walking away is the kindest and best thing we can do for people we care about. I tend to walk away because my emotions are getting so bad that I don’t know if I can curb my impulses and I don’t want to say hurtful things. I walk away to use my coping skills and come back to sort out the situation when I feel calm and ready to do so.

[borderlinereminders]

When dealing with intrusive thoughts, it took me a long time to learn that I don’t need to go into a guilt spiral where I feel bad about the thoughts. Because the truth is, that left me “stuck” in them longer.

I find it much better for me to roll my eyes and go “really, again? Another intrusive thought?” and then carry on.

Different things work for different people but you are not a bad person if you don’t feel bad about your intrusive thoughts, no matter how terrible they are. They’re called intrusive for a reason and it’s okay to just move on from them.

[borderlinereminders]

Remember that the only person you can control is yourself. You can't control the actions, or reactions of others. You can use your interpersonal skills to the best of your ability and sometimes no matter how much you try to keep the peace, things go sideways. And this isn't your fault.

You are still doing amazing at using the skills, and your effort isn't wasted. Your progress is valid.

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These are the most likely reasons as to why I haven’t responded:

I am exhausted

I haven’t figured out what to say

My ADHD is working against me and I got distracted (this also doesn’t mean I don’t care. )

Someone else needed me

I’m taking some time for me

My phone is dying

I’m busy with a task

My dog is laying on my arm and it’s illegal to move

I’m in a depressive episode (this is the most likely explanation for me when it’s going on multiple days)

I’m in a situation where being on my phone is rude

I’m overwhelmed

I don’t have time and/or energy to give a proper response and I want to put care into my answer (super relevant if it’s a heavy topic)

These are not the reasons I haven’t responded:

I hate you

You’re annoying

I’m pretending to be your friend

I’m angry at you (I always communicate if I need space and I’m upfront)

I’m ignoring you because you’re not important

These are my reasons for why I sometimes don’t answer my friends despite loving them so much. I thought I’d share in case it helps provide perspective to those struggling with the insecurity and anxiety over not getting a response.

[borderlinereminders]

It’s important to not punish someone for doing what we asked them to do.

Playing games and telling people to “leave me alone” and then being upset when they do isn’t fair to that person. If someone is trying to respect boundaries and does what you ask, it isn’t fair to punish them.

People can’t read your mind and know when you say one thing that you mean another. And even if they can, they’re not obligated to play guessing games. It’s exhausting for them and for you.

When you play these games, usually no one wins.

[borderlinereminders]

No… if your loved one’s think you’re a burden then they aren’t true loved ones

Hi anon,

You are absolutely allowed to feel how you feel.

I just find the narrative that it’s okay to be a burden helps me more than telling myself I’m not a burden. And it’s okay if it doesn’t for you. This is one of those examples where I’m expressing an opinion and I don’t think my opinions are facts. I don’t think I speak for everyone. My opinions are just my opinions.

I don’t think it’s realistic to expect to never be a burden. But I remember that I absolutely love my loved ones when they’re a burden. I don’t see being a burden as this terrible thing. Just reality.

My best friend called me at 2 am because she needed me. I was exhausted and stayed up with her despite being exhausted. And I am so happy she called me. I wouldn’t change a thing. I’d do it all over again. She’s set to bypass my silent mode and has been told she can call me at any time if she needs me. That’s why she bypasses my silent mode.

My dog struggles to get in my vehicle now. She’s a mastiff and heavy. Helping her in aggravates my own chronic pain. And she is scared of ramps or any other device. But I will continue to do it. She is worth every bit of pain. She deserves her car rides. She loves the smell of the ocean and gets so excited.

My mom struggles a lot. It is so hard on me to do stuff for her, but I do. I do her shopping and pick up her meds.

In all of these examples, I would say that I did feel burdened whether it was because I was exhausted or in pain, but I was happy to be burdened because I love them so much.

Feeling the way I do about my loved ones makes me realize that they likely feel similar too.

My partner has really chaotic work days and it is absolutely an inconvenience for him that my anxiety is too bad to make phone calls. So he sets alarms on his phones and makes the calls even when it adds to his stress.

My best friend loves me harder when my depressive spirals get really bad. She took on a lot of stress to help with my wedding. She was sick and in the middle of moving. I’m usually the one she talks to when she’s stressed but she didn’t want to stress me out, so she took it on herself. She was very much burdened by it all, but I know she’d do it all again in a heartbeat.

I’m not trying to tell you how to feel. I’m not saying you, yourself, are a burden. But to me, I am a burden. I know I am. But my loved ones think I’m worth it and that helps me a lot more than telling myself I’m not a burden. I am a burden but I’m allowed to be. I share the message because I think that others might find the narrative more helpful as well.

And my loved ones are worth everything to me. It makes me happy to help them and it reminds me that I can lean on them, too.

This all makes me think of Sam and Frodo. “I can’t carry it for you but I can carry you”.

[borderlinereminders]

heya! im so glad you took a break for your own mental health. helping others is nice, but you cant do that if you're too mentally exhausted to even take care of yourself! glad to see you back and i hope things get easier for you this year! <3

Thanks anon! This is so kind.

I got back into reading this year so it’s been a good time!

[borderlinereminders]

I always advise keeping screenshots of loved ones telling you they care that you can read back on when you're feeling insecure. But I also want to suggest keeping a written list. While hearing "I love you" directly is nice, my favourite ways of feeling someone's love come from the little things.

I feel loved when my husband reminds me to drink water. I felt loved when he surprised me with my favourite fruit when he knew I was having a rough time. I feel loved when he tidies up because he knows I feel overwhelmed and it makes such a difference to me.

I feel loved when my best friend goes out of her way to listen to new songs by an artist I like because she knows they matter to me. I felt loved when she brought me handwarmers at my wedding because she knew I was cold (and she was really sick at the time, so it was extra thoughtful). I felt loved and connected when my best friend and I got each other the same Christmas gifts without realizing the other had bought the same thing.

I felt loved when my online friend of 12 years spent a year planning to come to my wedding, and she did. She flew to see me, and spent about a week with me. Her partners were so kind and knew so much about me because she talked about me.

My husband feels loved when I make his lunches for him. He feels loved when I touch him. (I don't really like touching people, and I push through to touch him and rub his back because he loves it so much.)

My best friend feels loved when I help her with overwhelming chores. She feels loved when I listen to her vent and support her through the hard times. She felt loved when I did my best to make sure her wedding went right.

What I'm saying is that it can be helpful to note these little things down too. I personally keep a list of them that I read back on when I need the reminders. I keep specific situations, like the hand warmers and fruit with dates. And then I also keep a general list of other things. Words are nice, but all these actions work more as proof for my brain.

[borderlinereminders]

I haven’t been around much this year. Honestly, I took a break from Tumblr. I’d show up and queue a couple posts here and on @traumasurvivors I actually even stepped down from modding my trauma server.

A lot of this was the amount of hate I was getting and overall draining and negative responses on my posts. Part of it was my health tanking and my energy levels as a result. Part of it was the financial stress.

So, I distanced myself for my mental health. I’m trying to ease a bit back in to coming back now though! Health and finances are still stressful but mentally, I feel a bit stronger again.

So hello! And friendly reminder that it’s totally okay to take breaks for your mental health!

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i sent an ask for advice a long time ago and you never answered but you'll respond to someone's ask about liking your post?

These things take drastically different spoons, anon.

I have a few hundred asks in my inbox asking for advice and I just don’t have it in me.

It’s way less energy to respond to an ask like that verses giving a response that is tailored to a specific situation and advice for it.

And the truth is, I don’t always have advice when I have the spoons 🤷‍♀️

Sometimes I answer advice asks if I can link one of my posts to them but I just have not had the energy for a few months to properly answer asks.

[borderlinereminders]

I like your last post. I struggle now and then with that idea of being less loved because there are others. So thanks for that reminder <3

Something that helped me was realizing that I love my dog so so so so much and whenever I love someone else, it doesn’t mean I love her less. Same with my husband. And my best friend. I can love so many people and my love for them is constant. It made me realize maybe it’s true for them too. Maybe they just love me and them loving others doesn’t change that.

Glad the reminder could help!