bows4st3ph

[bows4st3ph]

my brain hurts, i asked him if he was good at math and the conversation resulted in him saying

"i miss you wow"

scuse me? awwwwashshdhshashfh

[bows4st3ph]

Girlhood is next to Godhood

[bows4st3ph]

maybe i’ll see if he wants to go out on friday afternoon when he finishes work.

we don’t even have to do anything crazy, i’m happy to just get bubble tea and matcha, and let him talk about his week, and work, and all the places that he believes sell the best matcha.

talk about all his gym progress (even if HE doesn’t believe it’s significant), what he’s hitting that night, let him explain the difference between XYZ machines, and whatever the fuck it is he wants to talk about.

i just wanna hear him talk, i want to hug him again, i wanna feel his arms holding me.

i haven’t hugged anyone in a while, i really miss him.

[bows4st3ph]

he’s so inactive atm, 3hrs and nothing from him.

i miss him. i’ve been missing him. i just wanna see him.

Tried to nap away the feeling of impending doom that keeps lingering.

Woke up just wanting him.

[bows4st3ph]

He’d been inactive on snap and insta for almost an hour last night, and i was on delivered on snappp. so i messaged him on instagram, cuz in my mind it’s just a totally different convo??? idk

“Would you ever be down to just hang out sometime? not just on late nights for our usual activitesss. It’s just been hard to get out recently, but i can't lie, i still wanna see you.

“Yeah i’m down!”

i giggleeeee

[bows4st3ph]

i wanna apply for my own medicare and go on birth control without my mother finding out. for obvious reasons ofc.

[bows4st3ph]

[bows4st3ph]

sometimes i secretly wish he’s caught my username in the corner of my snaps and stalks me on here.

he knows how frequently i dump my feelings on this blog.

[bows4st3ph]

is it bad that i want to hang out with him regularly? just to see him?

it’s so so hard to be able to go out frequently and sneak around at night.

i know it’s essentially an unestablished FWB, but that’s the thing, FRIENDS with benefits.

I don’t want every-time we hang to be at 11pm just for sex. i wanna actually spend time with him and know him more on a different level. i just want the connection to feel fuller.

i just wanna be in his presence, i don’t think i’m asking too much really.

[bows4st3ph]

on repeat

[bows4st3ph]

He’s been out and busy, and we’ve only spoken a handful of times today. and so because i lack self-respect, ofc as soon as he responds to me after an hour, i’m gonna message him saying

“missin u a little i wont lie, think it’s just one of those days”

he didn’t disappoint when i got back

“Don’t worry, I definitely miss you too, the feelings mutual.”

I wanna take it with a grain of salt, but the last time i opened up to him like this, it was so much more intense, and i especially was chasing reassurance.

I got back not exactly what i wanted to hear. He essentially said he can only “grasp” how i was feeling, and wishes there was something he could do to help…? like okay???

that was two weeks ago.

but this feels more genuine, and i know he’s been going through a lot, i feel like i’ve silently moved on his priorities scale. he’s responding a lot quicker and more frequently, he opens up to me a lot more often. he’s expressing attraction towards me more, and i’m back to being 1st on his bsf’s list again LMAOO

[bows4st3ph]

me when im back to be #1 on his bsf's list after what like, three weeks of being demoted to #2

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[bows4st3ph]

casual chappell roan playing.

hot cappuccino dusted with drinking chocolate.

homemade choc chip banana bread i baked yesterday.

delivered for an hour!!! think im too attached!!

[bows4st3ph]

I GOT EM DONEEEE 😛😛

getting both my nips pierced in 2 weeks now

i have a low pain tolerance…i’m already crying…

[bows4st3ph]

i want him to fully be able to grasp the idea that i want to be held, and comforted by him. i want to feel seen by someone, and know that these feelings i have are being reciprocated. That my soul is too deep and my heart too sensitive to have meaningless connections and unrequited love. That when i’m intimate with him, i’m not just having sex, i wanna get lost and completely melt into him as one. i don’t wanna know where he starts and i end. i just want someone to feel as strongly as i do. because i haven’t felt this way in forever.

That when i’m with him, it doesn’t just FEEL CASUAL to me. it’s not just casual when i’m letting him see me the way he does. when i’m completely open, i’m not just skin to skin, i feel like i’m skin to soul.

like i’m so so attracted to him.

he’s not conventionally attractive by any means, nor am i.

But for so so long i tried to convince myself i didn’t like him, that he wasn’t “all that”. that i could stop this at anytime, it wasn’t that deep.

but the longer i look at him, the more strongly i feel about him. All his little features and stupid quirks. The way his eyebrows raise when i say something unexpected.

The way he smiles and laughs in the car when there’s no one else around to see us. His dumb fucking glasses, man how much i love his glasses, and his hair at every stage i’ve seen it.

It’s not just his looks though, it’s him.

he’s not performing around me, he’s himself. he’s confident in who he is, it’s the way he owns his personality. he is unapologetically himself. always.

he thinks on things, he’s in touch with his emotions, he’s real. he overanalyses things, and loves just as strongly as i do.

i question wether he’s mentioned me in therapy i won’t lie.

but what really gets me the most, he admires how i think.

how i see music, how i process the world around me, how i’m honest with him about how i’m feeling, always.

it’s never just been about my body, or the way i get him off. he listens, and he notices, even if he doesn’t remember the little details the best. he always try’s.

he dwells on things i say just as much as i do the same to him.

he’s never ever pushed me to do something i don’t want to do, he is genuinely so kind, and respectful, i’ve never felt uncomfortable by his presence, and i’ve never questioned my safety near him, even when first meeting with him.

Point blank, he has me fucked up.

But i’m sure it’ll pass.

[bows4st3ph]

dyke

scuse you?