braindairy

[braindairy]

Even though I see these photos, photos of my exact body type, I don’t see the beauty in it.

How is it beautiful to have a stomach sticking out? To have wide hips that stick out?

I want a thigh gap, I want to be skinny and pretty.

I don’t want to be fat anymore, I don’t want to be ugly.

This years resolution is to loose at least 10kg.

By June I will be 50kg. By December 45kg.

[braindairy]

I hate myself for eating pasta.

I wanna stick my finger down my throat but I promised my gf not to do it

[braindairy]

She makes it 10 times worse.

[braindairy]

fuck recovery i want to be xxxs

[braindairy]

How bad I want to stick my fingers in the back of my mouth rn…

[braindairy]

Dear best friend,

Am I still allowed to call you that?

Is it just friend? Ex-friend maybe?

We once were inseparable, we were even getting called Siamese-twins at school. Where you were was I and vice versa.

How are you? Do you still enjoy your work? How’s your new work bestie? Does she give you all the attention you need? Does she actually believe your stories?

You were the best and the worst friend there ever was. Really I loved you so much, you were like a sister to me. Now you’re just someone I used to know.

We were supposed to live together, rent a house together. We even went to look at some houses. Do you remember?

Do you do that with your new best friend now? Do you talk with her about everything you used to tell me?

Even though I hate you for being such a shitty friend, I still miss you. I miss going together to fun places and having these day long talks. It was never boring with you.

Do you remember that one time we ate an entire cake in the train for my birthday? That day was one of the best days of my life.

Do you miss me like I miss you? Do you miss the fun weekends away we had?

Lately I’ve been thinking more and more about texting you. About asking how you are and if you want to grab a coffee somewhere. To just talk about why things went the way they went.

I remember us doing that about 5 months ago. You told me us not talking anymore was mainly my fault. That it was because I got in a relationship. But actually it was already shit before I found love. You treated me like shit. You didn’t really text me anymore, you didn’t tell me what you were doing anymore. Everything you said was about your new friend at work. That hurt me. That’s the reason why I didn’t want to talk anymore.

I miss you. But I don’t miss the pain and jealousy your new friendships gave me. How you neglected me.

I do hope we could be friends again. Just normal friends.

Love,

Your ex best friend

[braindairy]

*spoiler alert*

I’m uglier and fatter in person.

[braindairy]

1,5 maand lang heb je al geen woord tegen mij gezegd.

2 maanden lang appte ik alleen jou, maar jij mij niet meer.

12 maanden lang voel ik die vriendschap die wij hadden niet meer.

Je hebt mij altijd gezegd dat onze vriendschap nooit zou veranderen, maar sinds ik met een vrouw ga praat je niet meer tegen mij.

Mag het niet van je moeder? Ik weet dat mammie een homo-haat heeft. Dagelijks vroeg zij mij of ik al een leuke jongen had ontmoet ondanks dat ze wist ik nooit met een jongen zou gaan.

Is het misschien je oma? Ik mocht haar altijd anne noemen, het turkse woord voor mama, want ik hoorde bij de familie. Ookal was anne als een oma voor mij, ik mocht haar nooit vertellen van jou dat ik op vrouwen viel. 'Volgens anne ga je dan branden in hel'.

Misschien was het mama? Jouw tante wist dat ik op vrouwen val, knuffelde mij ondanks alles en kocht mooie beeldjes voor mij in Turkije. Maar ik mocht het nooit hebben over een vrouw, want in Turkije is dat niet normaal.

Ondanks dat je zelf altijd zei dat je mij accepteert, liet je steeds meer van je horen.

Schaam jij je om vrienden te zijn met mij? Vind je het stiekem toch raar of vies?

Ik zal het nooit weten, want je appt mij nooit meer.

[braindairy]

Mijn vrienden moeten niks meer van me hebben.

Niemand die mij een appje stuurt of vraagt hoe het nou met mij gaat.

Is het te veel gevraagd om vrienden te hebben?

[braindairy]

What if she stops loving me?

What if she doesn't need me anymore?

What if I'm to annoying for her liking?

What if...

What if I loose you?

[braindairy]

I just want a flat belly, less back fat, thinner arms, thinner and toned legs and a toned booty is that too much to ask for?

[braindairy]

Do you ever correct your posture just because you think you look fat standing like that?

[braindairy]

Yesterday I finally bought my first xs sized clothes. Couldn't be more excited!

My girlfriend told me this was the max and I can't loose any more weight.

Little does she know I will.