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You don’t have to choose. You’re a Greyjoy and you’re a Stark.

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6 months.

So it's been 6 months since you left me, around 4 since we argued. You accused me of being just like Danny. Do you remember? Do you remember constantly throwing me away like a boomerang? Expecting me to come back? Do you remember feeling nothing as you distracted yourself from the situation? Do you remember the times where I'd call and call and call. And you'd never answer. All because you thought I'd be angry at you, when all I wanted was to hear your voice. Do you remember laying there. Planning our future and family? How we'd be okay no matter what. If you couldn't have kids or I couldn't. We'd be happy with our animal family instead. Do you remember?

I remember it all. I remember how distant you were with me, how distant you still are. I remember you, effectively saying I'm in the way of your dreams. I remember how you liked to control most situations. I remember that if you didn't get your way, you wouldn't scream, you wouldn't shout. You'd fade me out. Like an outsider. But one you professed to love. I remember when we first kissed and how nervous I was. I even remember the way you smelled. I fell in love with you instantly. About as instantaneous as you realising you don't love me. But I'm not angry at you anymore. I'm not angry that you left me in the outside and changed who you were. I'm not angry that you aren't the person I fell in love with. I'm not angry that you get to move on and be happy while I get over you. I'm not angry that you get attention of random people on the internet and I'm not angry that you still used a picture of us to alleviate some of those messages.

I'm not angry because, stupid things happen when you're angry. We make rash choices. Like you did with me. And like I did when you left me. I went over the edge again, the normally reserved Brett wasn't. And it wasn't a bad thing. I realised, I didn't need you. I still wanted you and always will. But I don't need you anymore. I thought that without you in my life, it wasn't worth living. I thought that being on my own was the worst fate. Without you there was a black void.

But now, I'm on my own and finally enjoying myself, I've met loads of interesting new people. And reconnected with some very old friends. Especially Lauren. I hadnt seen her in almost 6 years. We're both a bit different from who we used to be, I'm not a massive emo anymore. She still is, but she wears it well because she's a tattoo artist and holy fuck she's good at it. She even wants to work on something for me. Happy days. Best thing is, she speaks her mind. She doesn't like something, she tells me. She wants something, she tells me. She wants to go somewhere, she tells me. Yesterday, she was hungry. She didn't say anything, but she was hungry. She ordered us dominos without saying a word. That's the first time in a long time that I wasn't expected to pay for something. All because Lauren works hard and earns her own money. She's self employed, rides a motorcycle. Doesn't complain about having to ride it here to see me either, she also wants to see me on her days off. And this is just someone I call a friend.

You were my girlfriend, but you never acted like it. You expected so much. Yet never worked for us. You wanted to move out but you expected me to pay for everything. Including an adult who doesn't want to work, just paint. Don't get me wrong, art pays. Lauren based her career around art. But you never wanted to work. You'd have interview after interview, and never go to them. For one reason or another. Usually you didn't want to. Which was pretty sad. And then you'd put the pressure on me. Like you were putting blame on me. You liked to blame me alot for your short comings. I know this because as soon as something happened. You'd start messaging me. If I didn't reply within a few minutes. You'd effectively threaten our relationship. And you wanted to bring a child up in that environment?

I truly am sorry for the way we ended up. I'm truly sorry for the way I was. I'm truly sorry that you wanted to be alone. I'm truly sorry that you never got back in touch yet still claim to love me. I'm truly sorry that you grew further apart from me as the days went on. I'm truly sorry that I fell for you. I'm truly sorry I wasted your time. I'm truly sorry you thought that I tried changing you. I'm truly sorry for laying in bed with you, playing with your hair, remembering things like that hurt the most. And I'm sorry i can't delete your pictures off my phone. You're still my angel in some distant, dead way. It's like I'm mourning your memory. I'm sorry i still love you. I'm sorry you'll never read this. And I'm sorry you'll never know how much I love you. I'm sorry you left me behind.

For now, I'm not afraid to be alone. And I realise I don't have to be. I've got Lauren and I've got my family. I've got the cats and I've got hope. I'm not gonna be the sorry old shit I was. I'm not gonna beg you to come back to me. Because you're not what I need. I need to be allowed to be me. Because I'm a bloody interesting and intriguing person, and Leah, you only scratched the surface. In nearly 3 years, you never asked me much about myself. But you always were one to live in the clouds.

If you read this, don't be upset? What's done is done, you can talk to me whenever you want. I doubt you will like? I never wanted to hurt you. I never wanted you to tear us apart again and again. So something had to change. I'm greatful for the time we spent together and the way you made me feel. But now I have to start moving on. I'm not gonna be like the last guy at a funeral. I'm not gonna cling to the past. I love you and I know you love me. But we've got to move on.

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I miss you. So much. I'm sorry i shouted. I should be never gotten angry at you. I fucked it all up. I have to be a better person for the future.

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I miss my sloth 😔

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My mood

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Still amazed by mine and mothers creativity 😅

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Sannen-zaka - Kyoto, Japan

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Everyday life in Tokyo

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