breakupessays-blog

[breakupessays-blog]

What changed? It feels off.

I’m confused.

This has been an experience of ‘in-betweens’, no polarising emotions.

I am the type of person that feels in passion, feelings and instinct. I know straight away when I have met someone if it’s right. And if I am ever unsure, it means it most likely won’t work. When I need to, I might analyse everything with logic and reason, but that has always been a backup when my instinct is having a day off. 

Instinct. “A natural or intuitive way of thinking.”  I can remember vividly moments in my life when I made significant life decisions with instinct. If someone asked me to justify it I could, but I knew. That level of confusion I have with something when I’m trying to weigh up the pros and cons means it’s not the right decision for me. And when it’s the right decision, I can completely justify it if asked, but I had arisen to that decision instinctually knowing it was right for me and was the way I should go. 

Maybe I haven’t clearly written down my specific goals down in a Kikki K guided journal, but throughout life, I have always stayed conscious of my purpose, why I am here and what I am trying to do right now to fulfil that purpose. However, I have never managed to figure this out for relationships. Why it is? 

I don’t have control. I can plan in my head, rationalise, think and feel, but at the end of the day, it takes more than my soul to make it work. 

Perhaps, I have never created a purpose because of the above. So when people come into my life, I don’t know what I’m doing, I don’t know where I stand and I don’t know where the major milestones. My worst fear is that I will lose my precious time, spending it in limbo with someone who’s not right for me, and lose myself. 

You confuse me. In many ways, you are nothing I ever planned on, nothing I’d expected. And in other ways, you are so good for me. But there are yellow flags, and I have my doubts. I smile genuinely, I’m so good at it that you would never see through that inside I’m thinking. The cogs in my mind are turning looking at your face, “are you good for me?” “should I be spending my time with you?”. Dubious questioning, doubts, discomfort. 

You are so kind to me and I mostly trust you, but there are yellow flags. I am uncomfortable, but last time it felt right, I was betrayed. I don’t see myself with you, but is the grass really greener on the other side? 

Do I push you away because I don’t want to ‘waste’ my time? Or do I jump in giving it a try even though I have so many doubts? Can I put myself through potentially breaking someone’s heart or having mine broken? I have turned away from so many others in fear that now I have no experiences to learn from. 

What advice would I tell myself? Usually, it comes so naturally but my instinct is off with you. I can’t make simple decisions that I usually can. What to eat, where to sit, what to do. Something is clouded. Once you’re in the picture, I don’t make the decisions I normally would. What I want is to go to a nice bar and try cheese fondue, but I just don’t see myself doing that with you. I don’t see our lives fitting together the way I want them to. Does that mean our souls can’t either? How do I be with someone who’s so different to me?

Maybe something did change. Maybe it’s not just me. Last night, you were awfully quiet at dinner and I tried to be my bubbly self. Is it because you’re anxious about school? Or has something changed between us? My instinct isn’t being clear. I know that all the facts are there, telling me this is fine, that this should work. 

So, why does it feel wrong when I know it’s supposed to be right?

[breakupessays-blog]

I feel ashamed to be seen in public with you

All because I care what other people think 

In this day and age, we are constantly bombarded with messaging that social media is creating a superficial culture that only cares about likes, comments and validation. In light of hearing this, I try to be more self-aware and allow myself to sit in the discomfort of doing whatever I want, when I want and not caring what other people thought.

However, as a self-professed ‘loving the single lifestyle’, strong, independent woman, I never predicted this to be a situation I would find myself in. Where I am sincerely enjoying the company of someone else, only when we’re in private. 

When we’re in public, I feel a level of discomfort that I can’t quite put my finger on. It’s not exactly self-doubt, or embarrassment, but a confusion that I really like you, but am conscious of the odd look that we get. 

Perhaps social media hasn’t turned us into judgemental people, or instead, it’s a vehicle that has amplified this experience as omnipresent. In short, we as human beings, naturally judge. It’s a coping mechanism to create first impressions and depend on stereotypes, to help us group together the plethora of different people we meet every day in a way that our brain can comprehend them easily.  

We have since the day of dawn, judging the people we see on TV, on the street. Whether it’s because this bachelorette isn’t ‘normal’ or pleasant enough, mothers highlighted in a morning show are negligent, or someone on the street is wearing something that looks just a bit too odd for us to manage as ‘normal.

And that’s what makes us turn, makes us take a second look. Perhaps that’s why I am so conscious of me being with this person, always relative to everyone around me. Because I know how it feels to be on the judging end, and imagining all these people around me thinking the same thing, doesn’t feel good. 

Perhaps I have wanted my whole life to fit in, and people keep saying that I individually, was born to stand out. But what if, me, the independent strong woman, is suddenly perceived collectively with someone else. And I might really like this someone else, but they don’t fit into my image of a ‘normal’ couple I imagined myself in. What happens now? How do I deal with this dissonance? 

Tell it to shut the fuck up. The thoughts inside your head, whether they are valid or not, do not define your relationship. If I was born to stand out, perhaps this is the perfect opportunity. 

Stop. Let’s rewind, because this talk feels a little fake. This isn’t how I really feel. I know I look like and am a high functioning, successful woman. However, my current partner doesn’t fit into this mold, into what I thought was a normal pairing for me. 

To be honest, I don’t know how to manage this. It’s not a polarising feeling of love or hate that I can easily manage. It’s dissonance. It’s uncomfortable and sometimes you can’t quite put the finger on how you’re feeling. You know he is good and takes care of you, but something feels off. It isn’t seamlessly right, or fits perfectly, but you know he cares for you and treats you the way you should be treated.

Maybe I should take a lesson out of dealing with anxiety. Just sit in the discomfort. Stick with it. 

[breakupessays-blog]

Don’t do what is right. Do what is right for you.

I am a stubborn person, and so are you. But I often chose to compromise, so I could stay with you.

I always chose us over myself, but you didn’t do the same, not just once, but many times, and that is what broke us apart.

You said breaking up was right, you said you thought you were doing what was right for me. But I never wanted this.

I wanted to stay committed to you while I was away for 9 months because I just loved you. It’s that simple and I don’t see how you don’t get it. Because me just loving you, got me through everything. Even with all my going out, I knew that I loved you and only wanted to be with you and not anybody else. Why did you not trust me?

Everyone told me that going on exchange for a semester was usually the right choice, it just made sense. But that’s not what I wanted, I wanted the year away, and that was the right choice for me, and I’m happy I chose for me, and not anybody else.

How does anyone really know what the right choice is for someone? Why did you base this choice on past experiences and instead not look at us straight up and think that all the values we have, we can do it. You fucking should’ve thought that I am not your ex-girlfriend, and you are not the same person you were when you were with her, and this is not the same fucking thing.

We could’ve made it because I trust you, myself, and most of all, I had all the faith in us. 

Instead you called it quits, you gave up, you didn’t even fucking fight for me. Did it make you feel better? No. It made you miserable, leading you to betray me and fuck up the best thing that’s ever happened to you, and you fucking know this. 

I wanted long-distance from the start, I loved you so much I was willing to sacrifice so much and be flexible with my plans and my dream. I was willing to do it for us. It was all for us, because for the thousandth time, I just loved you.

I was sick of you saying you broke up because you thought you were doing the right thing. What do you even know about what’s right for me? I kept telling you that I just loved, it was that simple, that was all, and that was what got me through everything. You heard me, but did you ever listen? 

I thought you were the one person that always, undoubtedly believed in me, but not with this. Did you ever at all?

So for everyone else, choose what’s fucking right, for you. Not for anybody else, not what society or any other fucker says, do it for you. Based on your values, your situation, what you want and what you think you can do. Nobody else can make the right decision for you.

Don’t make excuses and always choose what’s logical. Humans fucking invented logical and I tell you something, it doesn’t work for everyone. Anyone can fucking create rationale for every single bad and good thing that has every happened in the history of the world. Rationale is not concrete, it is flexible and often works to one’s objectives. If you haven’t figured this out yet, then this makes it really easy for people to manipulate you. Rational and logical do not exist in the natural world, it is man made, hence, do not trust it completely and blindly. Don’t lose sight of yourself in passion. 

We have been taught to frown on emotion, but emotion is also natural. And I just loved you. Nature is natural, and nature is beautiful, so choose the right decision for yourself, choose what works for you and what is natural to you. And don’t fucking listen to anyone else.

P.S. You weak piece of shit, please don’t hurt anybody like this again purely because of your pride, and you thought you were making the right decision when you tore us apart. 

[breakupessays-blog]

I really miss you.

All I want is to talk to you, to see you, it’s so tempting. 

That urging you feel becomes so habitual when you used to talk everyday, and wonder every second what your s/o was up to.

Do I talk to you like we used to? Or do I still get mad at you for how you betrayed me?

I’m getting better and trying to move on but everything still hurts without you. Thinking about you used to make my life better, and now it just makes me feel worse.

I just want to know what’s happening with you? Are you getting better, stronger? Or are you still miserable? Do you miss me at all? Because I really fucking miss you.

I’ve always wanted to be one of those people that didn’t put up with anything less than they deserve, especially with boys, but you were sooooo sweet to me. Before you betrayed me, there was barely anything wrong in our relationship. It didn’t even feel too perfect, it just felt real and really healthy. 

I’m afraid people will judge me for going back, and most of all, I’m afraid I won’t forgive myself for doing that. I don’t know if I can forgive you in 9 months when I come home, and I don’t know if that means I can get back together with you. But I know, I don’t think I can forgive myself if I got back together with you and then you hurt me again.

When we were together, for the first time in my life, I never doubted anything between us, because you constantly showed me how much you loved me and that I was the only one for you. But now after you’ve betrayed me, if feels like if I was back with you, I would constantly be doubting what you’re actually doing/saying to/with other people and I would have so much difficulty putting trust in you again. You were the one person in the world that I put 100% trust in, I was 100% committed, that I could trust to tell anything, things I haven’t told people before. And now that you’ve betrayed me and broken that trust, I don’t know how I could sanely be in a relationship again. It would feel like too much emotional turmoil that I don’t know if it would be fair on me to bear that burden. A relationship shouldn’t be filled with doubt or uncertainty, it should just be filled with love, passion, companionship and commitment.

Maybe I’m too idealistic, as I always have been, but I believe that a good relationship is built on the simple and natural foundations of love, you literally just love them. That is all it is. And everything comes from this. 

These attitudes may be faltering in modern society as we begin to feel like we have a right to a plethora of options and there’s little incentive to stay loyal, but I promise to stay true to these values. If you feel unable to maintain these values, then get out of the relationship. Don’t put the other person in this position because it is all out of their control. When you betray them, the other person getting hurt is essentially a side effect of your mistake, but in the end, it is really the ultimate tragic consequence and loss. 

I believe we shouldn’t rush into things we’re not ready for. But we also should do things the way they feel natural. Don’t force it. 

Ultimately, I really miss you, but I don’t know if I could put myself through the pain of being with you. 

[breakupessays-blog]

I still love you, I just don’t think I can be with you.

You are just so ugly to me now.

I never really thought of myself as a strong person, I often felt weak, physically and emotionally, because I was so emotional, but it is still a virtue that I value greatly and wish I had. But then you do this, and it makes me learn a lot about you and your character; that your fatal flaw is weakness as soon as you’re alone. It doesn’t matter if you’re funny, or you support me, because you did, but as soon as you felt weak, that all went to shambles and you turned selfish. You didn’t support me anymore as I was trying to acclimate to a new environment, instead you were selfish and hurt me and then betrayed me. You said you did it for us but you didn’t, you did it for yourself, because you were weak and miserable and couldn’t stand being alone anymore. I really wanted to stay with you, I didn’t want to break up, and I knew I could do it because like I’ve said so many times before, I just love you, that’s it. How do you not understand? I just love you. And that gets me through everything, the good and the really bad. The love I had for you kept me strong, whether I was at home or overseas. Everything I did, ever since we got together up until now, everything I did was for us. But then both your decisions that broke my heart were selfish because you were too weak. Everything I did was for us, and that made me stronger, because I just loved you. My love for you made me stronger. As you betrayed me, I realised that, I didn’t stay strong for us anymore, but I stayed strong for me, and I will not let myself put up with how you treated me.

And my realisation of this, and choosing myself, makes me a better person, and I know you know this, and I know you wish that now you were lucky enough to still have me. Because I am a good person, I am strong, and I am a gem in the rough, and you know it, but most importantly, for the first time in my life, I know it.