breannaellis9

[breannaellis9]

A love story

I thought I was living a love story. But I was just in love with a person who loved the idea of me. Its a hard place to be. From the get go my ex wife told me I will love you forever as long as you change. It was hard to hear and understand but I twisted it in my head to something else. I stopped hearing her say change or I'm leaving which is full of deadlines. Instead I chose to hear grow with me and we will love each other more. That kind of love last a life time.

So fast forward a few years with my ex wife and I'm going through MAJOR changes. I lost my best friend, she died. I lost my family, my ex made me pick her over them. I moved out of the country, I had a baby, I experienced postpartum. I. Went. Crazy. Given the circumstances I feel most people would lose themselves a bit. Instead of support from my ex wife I received more pressure. Do better, be better. Change. I didn't fast enough and she left me with a broken heart.

Fast forward a YEAR after she kicked me out I'm finally seeing I was never truly loved. I had no space to be mentally ill. How can I learn and grow when I'm not aloud to be me? How can a person get better under the pressure of their biggest fear, being abandoned by the one you love. She loved with money and things. I needed someone to hold me and see me. I never needed a kick in the ass.

I don't know I'm still sorting out the pieces she left me in. Slowly putting myself back together. Bleeding from every crack.

[breannaellis9]

And if this is what your love looks like I guess it's not for me. I say to myself alone on this Christmas. I'm not completely alone, Mio and I had a lovely lonely morning. I don't miss the way you loved me. Cause you couldn't or didn't. You claimed your love was unconditional then left me due to conditions. Someday I'll have a true love. Someday someone's gonna love me just the way I am. Merry Christmas

[breannaellis9]

Hey it's been a minute. Tara and I are no more. The love of my life wasn't the love of my life after all. I don't know how to feel or be. Part of me feels free. Part of me is terrified. She never loved me, and she never will. This is the let go.

[breannaellis9]

Rereading my post you'd think I had a terrible life. I'd like to reflect on the blog that no one reads but me that I do not in fact have a terrible life I just only seem to write when I'm sad. Lack of post is a reflection of my life being busy with living instead of typing away about my woes. I'm doing well. After many bpd episodes things have to change. My wife is supportive but deserves change. Change I shall.

[breannaellis9]

I haven't wrote in a while so here goes something. Well what can I say? The bpd almost won dude. I legit broke my wife's heart man what kinda person does that? I lost myself and it's the truth. To weak to deal with my feelings so I threw them at her. I broke her. How lucky am I to have someone love me through this? When I am not worthy of love she loves me harder. A true companion a true love. I will rise to the occasion. I will be worthy of her love and I will put in the effort to change. I only get one chance at a true love like this. I'm not gonna blow it.

[breannaellis9]

I've got the cutest kid in the whole world and I'll never stop loving my wife. Fuck off BPD. IM IN CHARGE (help)

[breannaellis9]

The ground beneath my feet is crumbling. This whole life I live is a mirage. The closer I get, the further it gets away from me. I am more than my mistakes. No one can grow when their under the pressure of constant expectations. The ball will drop. This ground will crumble. That's not love. Happy valentines day.

[breannaellis9]

Dried up dreams of you. They're still apart of me. I watch them in black and white with the sound muted. Over and over again. Reaching arms followed by the return of empty hands. You live in your world, a world so much different than mine. An illusion of love, a life driven by it. This chapter is one hard to write, so I can only imagine how it is to read it. I know as the pages turn our story will grow. This love isn't what I dreamed of, but every night is a new opportunity to dream.

[breannaellis9]

I understand my place & the roll I must play. My heart broke a thousand times these past days while you smiled and reminded me of what a terrible person I am. Honesty and rejection. Pots calling kettles black. You are hurting too, and you hurt others. I see through the wool. I see your sharp teeth. Like my mama always said; it could always be worse.

[breannaellis9]

3 months. My son has been alive for 3 months and she took him. She said I wasn't capable of being alone with him, that I was to dangerous. She took my son and left me. With questions like is she leaving me? Will we be together forever? Why did she go? Why.

[breannaellis9]

Guess who finally gave into the chemical imbalance in her head and got help? Me, I did. I started taking anti depression meds weeks ago and I'm okay guys. I'm finally really okay. What's wrong with taking meds if they really fucking help? My relationship, my life, how I feel about myself, it's all just better. So much better. I'm okay and I'm so fucking lucky to have this life. No more self sabotage. Everyday is Friday. Bye bye voice in my head that wants me dead. I'm alive baby and this is now.

[breannaellis9]

I can feel the lights in my eyes fade with my words. The excitement in my voice directed outward slowly turns to rejection as my head lowers and I complete the sentence quietly to myself. You mindlessly thumb through your little bright screen as I sit with my thoughts trying so hard not to say them outloud. Are the words worth saying? Is the question worth asking? Good story, you reply sarcastically to my silly sentences. I don't know google it, you reply to my stupid curiosity. My voice grows weary, what words are worth saying? What I find so funny will you roll your eyes to? Is now a good time to use my words? Are you busy, are you reading something, are you over stimulated. I'll just stay quiet until you say something to me and I'll do my best to reply in a way that doesn't annoy you. Excitement lights my eyes up with a thought, and without realizing it I say it out loud to you. I forgot to see if it was an okay time and I forgot to think about what I'm saying first, for fear it'll annoy you. I nervously look for your reaction as your thumb flicks through the screen. Stupid pointless words fallen on death ears. Next time I'll just keep them to myself.

[breannaellis9]

They tell you postpartum depression is real with a serious look on their face, as if they've seen a ghost. You shrugg it off as your little one grows inside you. How bad could it be - you think to yourself. You've been depressed before, plus you'll have a little one to smile at. Then your baby arrives and your world is complete, you couldn't be more happy. Days turn into weeks and without realizing it you become someone you don't recognize. You've been sad before but this is different, this isn't sad, this is nothing. You stare blankly, becoming a shell of a human. Pushing away loved ones as you try to understand how you can feel this way when you've got everything you've ever needed in life. You must eat healthy, and a lot to produce milk, but eating is a chore, your appetite is non existent. You feel guilty for not doing better for your spouse and child. A giant sad burden trapped under a grey cloud. Postpartum depression is real, they tell you with a ghostly stare. But it can't rain forever, & you're stronger than you know.

[breannaellis9]

My heart keeps sinking, deep inside my stomach. Lost in places I dare not to go. Your voice has lost all comfort. These eggshells on the bottom of my feet feel like razor blades. I'm dying inside a dream. No one can save me. No one can truly love this mess. I'm drowning in your resentment, I promise I hate me more.

[breannaellis9]

If it makes you happy...

[breannaellis9]

We can't change if we never put in the work. Every mother goes through postpartum differently. I'm not sad like I've been before, not in ways I understand. My life has never been so perfect and sadness truly isn't warranted, so what does one with this disease do? Self sabotage. Borderline personality disorder, the monster lingering in my shadows. I'm not depressed I proclaim with minal confidence, I get up I do things. I smile at my perfect son. But my bpd laughs at me as the intrusive thoughts begin to fuck with my every move. I didn't notice how bad I was until I was unable to make eye contact with my wife let alone strangers. Until I couldn't do a single thing without thoughts second guessing my every move. Every pathetic word that escaped my mouth followed by the thought of why I'd even bother opening my mouth to begin with? Unable to love myself I begin convincing myself no one around me could possibly love me either. Throwing wrenchs in my wonderful relationship by telling myself my wife is uninterested, she's annoyed, she don't truly love me. I tell myself these things without proof, without communication. Next thing I know I'm running with these accusations and closing myself off to her, creating the very distance that was made up in my head. Using it as an excuse to be closed off, giving myself the loneliness in my feelings that never had to exist if I just expressed how I felt. No one can read minds, and everyone's got their own feelings. Without even seeing it I become the selfish bully I claim to hate. This disease is truly that to me, a disease. I need to take care of myself or it will kill me.

[breannaellis9]

Alone amongst company is the hardest kind of loneliness. I collapse against the bathroom wall and slowly slide down to the floor. It's hard and it's dirty but it's a great place to silently weap. I'm okay I just need to cry. My arms drop they are not strong enough to carry this burden, they are not strong enough to carry these feelings. Painted to be a monster but I don't feel like one. Nothings wrong I just need to scream. If I told you how I felt you wouldn't understand, if I said how I feel you'd blame me. It's okay I tell myself as I pick myself off the ground. It's all gonna be okay, you just need to cry. And so I do. We've been here before, not this floor but one just like it. Not these feelings but some just like it. I exhale relief, I've fixed this problem before, well not this one but one just like it. You're never alone if you love yourself, you'll always have you. I remember gently and nudge myself to do better, be better. You don't have to feel so alone, you have you. And guess what bobo, everything is okay, you're doing your best and I'm proud of you. Smile, you can do this.