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Dispatcher: 911 what's your emergency?

Me: I'm not getting any kisses 🥺

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random anecdote for father's day: one time during a long car ride my dad asked me, "you're familiar with Murphy's Law, right?" and i was like "isn't that the one about how anything that can go wrong will go wrong?" and he said "yeah, exactly" and i said "why do you ask?" and he went "well, have you heard of Cole's Law?" and i said "no, actually, what's that?" and he said "it's mostly lettuce and carrots with a little dressing mixed in"

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Boss is asleep, cannot stop me from frogposting

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I am a huge fan of retiring to my quarters

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"tumblr humor is only funny to tumblr users" NOT true. those bitches on pinterest love us.

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The brunette pride float passes by, everyone on board is wearing jeans.

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so what if I want to have total control over every single thing at all times. just let me lol

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Shel Silverstein predicting ChatGPT in 1981

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Has someone done this yet

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the problem with water is like. it's the cleaning fluid right. that's the obvious part. you stop drinking and you stop peeing and your kidneys are like ough. ough. ough. ough. but you don't die. unless you're not drinking anything At All and not eating watery food either. so all it is is you pee less but you're okay. kind of.

BUT THEN when it gets too hot it starts being the coolant! and suddenly there are so many ways it can get out! you have so many sweat glands and so much skin and they all need to be cooled down before you DIE.

but then. you realize the least obvious one. it's the transmission fluid. it's the fucking transmission fluid. you can't transmit SHIT without your fliud. which is still fucking water somehow.

so now you're LEAKING your transmission fluid out of every goddamn pore and your kidneys are like hey. gimme that cleaning fluid cmon dude. while your pores are like ITS COOLANT. NEED COOLANT. FOR THE FIRE. NEED MORE COOLANT. SO MUCH FIRE. KILL IT. KILL IT MORE. MORE COOLANT. and then. the rest of you. that uses all that fluid to transmit things. it's like hey. hey. hey what the fuck.. i need that. hello? can anyone hear me? hello? it's so dark in here..

and then you drink more water or you die.

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I'm disappointed that Elon Musk left the Trump administration so quietly. I thought we were at least going to get some really entertaining tantrums out of that partnership

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many such cases 🐹

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30+ year old women are the backbone of this website