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Konstantine???

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BINDA

lol new boy and he loves me <3 <3 

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adib 4

i knew he would get with veronica. intuition is 20/20. auntie grace says i need to follow my intuition because most of the time it is correct

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adib 3

I figured it out. It’s hard for me to get over it because yes, I love him, but mostly because i knew he lost respect for me. also, he’s a dick

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adib #2

Andrea talked to me about Rolf. And I saw her side, which were all the same arguments that adib gave to me. I understood why she couldn’t handle it and began to understand why adib couldn’t handle it. Mr. Wilson said it was the “want”. Me and Rolf “want”. We can’t settle for just being ok. I need to be ok with people. I’m too much of an idealist, romantic, dreamer, etc. No one can satisfy anyone completely. I wish I saw that earlier, but I swear I was getting better. I’m really good at dreaming up hypotheticals; I still do. I’m definitely not over it. But at this point in the breakup, I’m at the “oh, what a shame” portion; “I wasn’t mature enough”. I keep listening to the tame impala currents album that I felt defined the last summer we had and I still try to see what was wrong and where it started to not feel right anymore. I can finally listen to “Eventually” without crying, but everytime I hear it, I just think to myself that I’m old enough now to have regrets that will follow me to the grave. It’s terrible, but it’s normal. I really hope Adib forgives me because, all it is to him right now seems to just be hate, confusion, and blame. I want to be ready for the next step in this breakup and gradually get over it. I would definitely want to fast forward it though to when I can just stop thinking about him. I don’t know what is next, but hopefully, not an insatiable thirst for emotional connection via dick. 

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adib

so there was a breakup. he’s making all these excuses as to why he’s done it and how he feels and all these bad things that he did address to me once before but that i didn’t get it. I was being a piece of shit sometimes, he was also. But I felt as if that was my fault. I couldn't be there for him because of my own state of mind when he was simply asking for me to be there and vice versa. I thought it wasn’t fair that he could drive to uci to talk to this girl and be her psychiatrist which was very nice of him to do, i did feel jealousy that he didn’t give that to me. She was raped by her dad and she needed someone so it was understandable, but I was his girlfriend and I needed him also. So yes call me selfish. I did feel a drift, i caused that drift because i felt the drift first on my end and i think he did too so he, instinctually, to not hurt himself, started drifting from me. The drift on my part was due to the fact that I didn’t think anyone in the world could ever help me deal with things and that, ultimately, I was alone facing my mom, my dad, my work, my future, etc. So I unintentionally pushed people away in this depression, but it doesnt mean, i started to not care about people. I still love andrea, leslie, cathy, adib in the same way and even maybe stronger. I just felt like I couldn’t be connected anymore. I really wanted adib to know I was still there and that I missed him and that I loved him, but it was too late. he already distanced himself and I did see him trying to reconnect. he tried telling me about his bisexuality and I didn't see that as “reconnection” but as him drifting from me even further like I wasn’t even a part of his life any more. So I reacted badly. I said “I felt cheated on” because those were the only words I said in desperation but that wasn’t it, I felt disconnected and felt so insecure about losing him. Andrea calls him a dick, everyone thinks he’s an asshole. My friend Blanca overheard him on the phone giving me “closure” and told me he was mean. He’s just not ready to take care of anyone else but himself. he’s mean because that’s how he deals with anything. I’m the type of romantic that will stick to anyone till the end. I told him this in the very beginning of our relationship. Specifically when I lost my virginity to him and I started crying because I was scared that he wouldn’t feel the same way, that is an impossible request. He slowly reassured me and I thought he would be there with me, but we’re 19. He’s not ready to be there for anyone to that extent. I understand. All his excuses of him breaking up with me were bull, he thought i fell out of love and so he fell out of love and didn’t understand that I still fucking in love with him. He said he’ll fuck vrinda, or be with the girl that was raped by her dad, fuck anthony zhang, other boys. That cuddling with me is like cuddling with marty mcfly which I have no idea wtf that means. And that he fell out of love with me since friday. Now I'm here looking at bird videos that i could've sent to him but cannot anymore and looking at tinder guys with disgust and regretting everything, thinking that I was the piece of shit and that I did this to myself. it was going good too. I was getting better, but he wasn’t and couldn’t handle it. Bad timing. fuck bad timing. if it’s meant to be though, maybe years down the line we might discover that we still can love each other in that way again. If it’s not, then it’s for the better. Adib refuses to see any of this. he’s not on the same page and for that, everything successful that i do now will low-key be just to spite him because I’m at that stage of breakup right now where I just think that he’s really the biggest asshole for doing this to me. I’ll move past it. It’s just stage 2. I wish I’m at where he is right now, but molly my beautiful taurus friend told me, it’s devastating for girls right now and they take years to get over it and once that happens, the guy realizes he can’t live without you. I think this is true because I don’t think all that emotional connection and love for over a years time cannot be gotten over with in a week. Adib is great at suppressing anything, its his fucking talent. So because I'm at that stage 2, I am looking forward to him just dying at the thought of me when we were together and crying and feeling the same way as I do now because it’s not fair. 

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Today we had a very engaging conversation with Mac. Mac is a really cool guy, I knew it from the times in crit. He always crit with a geniuneness that others would be too afraid of voicing. He was talking about judging people and how it’s really hard for him to not hate people. He said he hates weida and that he should go die. That was of course an exaggeration. He then says that he pities weida. I then brought up how it’s impossible to hate one person completely. He agrees but I think he hates in a larger percentage than I do. I’m not saying I’m more righteous in him in that sense. It just got me started thinking about how others would judge me in a first impression sort of way. I feel that people often underestimate me. With Mac, I felt that he didn’t quite understand how much I appreciated and understood what he was talking about. I relate to it in so many ways. He thinks I’m stupider than I am maybe because it’s how i act. Sometimes I can’t voice my thoughts or feelings correctly and it’s so frustrating. It’s especially frustrating with Mac because I know he has a sensitivity for people and how they are and that he still can’t understand that I’m not as dumb as he thinks I am. Maybe I am. Maybe this is just me discovering that i’m dumber than I thought i was.

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lube up hope street with my presence

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