brittanyismessingwithme

[brittanyismessingwithme]

01.12.22

I’m over here thinking about how I know I am going to marry that girl someday… when we’re not even together.

[brittanyismessingwithme]

I am terrified.

I did not expect anything more than a couple hangouts while I was there, and then most likely never talking again. Just be two people who follow each other on IG, like how it usually goes. But I ended up seeing you 6 out of the 8 days I was there, and stayed with you until the last possible second before I HAD to go pack before my flight. With the amount of insecurities, fear, anxiety, doubt, and just overall trauma I have from my past, I NEVER would’ve thought I’d feel as comfortable as I am now. With you. And especially not so soon.  Or for anyone who’s literally an ocean away.  I’ve known you for a month now, so how the hell do I feel this deeply for you?  Tell me how from day 1 I felt like you were going to be someone important to me.  How by day 2, I wholeheartedly believed I could trust you.  Tell me how someone who has been cheated on and/or left for someone else by all except one person from their past, could believe in long-distance working.  How someone who was a complete stranger a month ago has been given all my trust, attention, and support.  Never in my wildest dreams did I ever think I’d even consider long-distance.  Because I thought I’d always have this constant anxiety of not knowing who they’re talking to, hanging out with, and quite honestly, messing around with since I’m not there.  Because it’d be so easy to do. But I don’t have that anxiety with you.  Yes, I get jealous, and I do have the thought of you with other people in my head, but I know it’s the reality of the situation.  We’re not together.  You are able to do whatever you want, with whoever you want.  And I have no right to share how I wish you wouldn’t talk to anyone else or go out on dates or any of that. I think the reason it’s all been really getting to me the past few days and causing me to be really emotional, it because I realized just how deeply I feel for you.  How I’m almost starstruck with who you are.  And how I could possibly have a chance with you.  The way you interact with my friends, the way you want to “show me off” to your friends.  The way you genuinely want to hear about my day no matter how average and uneventful it is. From the big things to especially the small things, you make me feel wanted.  When you look at me, sometimes I think you feel the same way I do.

I have never felt so safe or so calm as I did when I was with you.  Even though I’m not physically near you, I’m still so comforted when we facetime.  As cliche as it is, I really have never felt this way about anyone.  I want someone to explain to me how it’s possible for me to feel this way.  I am not perfect.  Far from it.  And I am not the person I want to be.  But I am always working on myself and growing into someone I think I can be truly proud of, someday.  I really really don’t understand it, but I want to do life with you. 

I know I’m going to keep falling for you each day that passes and I will fall in love with you.... That terrifies me to the core because I know you may very well decide one day that this is not what you want.. Whether it’s because of someone else or just because you decide it’s just not possible for you, you could just end it.....

There is a tiny part of me that thinks I need to just break my own heart now and cut this off now.  My heart will still be shattered, but I just think about how bad it’s going to be if you leave later and I just can’t mentally prepare myself for the amount of pain that will be..... So the hope I have for you stay, keeps me from running.  

I genuinely think this could be a good thing.  We could be good.  For each other, and with each other. But I guess time will tell. 

[brittanyismessingwithme]

Not me looking at when I’d be able to fly up to see you for a couple of days because there’s currently a sale. My heart is so screwed…. 🙃

[brittanyismessingwithme]

It’s going to hurt so bad when you leave..

[brittanyismessingwithme]

That first sentence is everything. Don’t love someone for their potential, or their growth. Love them exactly how they are. Everything else is honestly just a bonus.

“Go and love someone exactly as they are. then, watch how they transform into the greatest truest version of themselves. when one feels seen and appreciated in their own essence, one is instantly empowered.”

— Wes Angelozzi

[brittanyismessingwithme]

“I’d like to walk around in your mind someday.”

— Vashti Bunyan

[brittanyismessingwithme]

the universe is so cruel, kicking me when I’m already down… but it does make me happy to hear you’re doing well. You sound happy, at least. I hope you are.

[brittanyismessingwithme]

“The best feeling in the world is knowing that you actually mean something to someone.”

— Unknown

[brittanyismessingwithme]

“You ever wonder what people really want from you?”

— Unknown

[brittanyismessingwithme]

I don’t have any support from my parents about me pursuing teaching as a career. All they ever try to “talk” to me about is how teachers make so little money, how it’s “so easy”, and why anyone would want to teach. It was that way when I was getting my bachelor’s, and it’s that way now in grad school. It’s so fucking irritating. And I’m so fucking tired of it. I have been tired of it. Like I don’t even want support anymore. I gave up on wishing for that so many years ago. But I just want the disrespect, put downs, and just…. Negativity to stop. Like why can’t they just leave me alone. Don’t even talk about it. Hell I didn’t even tell them I was going to go to grad school again, I just did it. Am doing it. I don’t ever talk to them about it, or about work, and I just do my own thing. So why do they feel the need to tell me things they “know” about the teaching profession? They don’t know anything. And it’s just really fucking exhausting constantly being torn down. I want it to stop. I’m not asking for support. I’m not asking for anything positive. I’m just simply wanting it to stop. Let me deal with not having lots of money like both of you. Let me deal with the “easiness” of the job. Let me do what I want. Leave it alone. Just leave me alone.

[brittanyismessingwithme]

i may be ugly but i used to be ugIier

[brittanyismessingwithme]

“I hope I made you feel something, because you made me feel everything.”

— Gemma Troy

[brittanyismessingwithme]

You ever been tied to a bed?

Only by my depression

[brittanyismessingwithme]

[brittanyismessingwithme]

[brittanyismessingwithme]

When we were in love

Oh things were better than they are

Let me back into

Into your arms

[brittanyismessingwithme]

It’s just, sometimes a thing feels, like, so right.