broken-ben76

[broken-ben76]

Addiction is horrible I have battled with it my whole life!!! This is the ugly truth behind it all!! U fight and u fight to just stumble and fall over and over again... I tell myself I don't want to be this man!! The one who drinks himself to sleep who justifies why he takes that drink I take myself to meetings just to turn around and take a drink right after... WHY I DONT UNDERSTAND. Why is alchohol so cunning, baffling and powerful!!! I have pushed everyone that I love away, no one wants to deal with it it gets old , I do have a couple people who don't want to see me die from this disease but I know I'm slowly dying and a part of me doesnt care in fact part of me wishes he would just be over but then there is that other part who does fight and takes himself to meetings and tries to seek the good in life but in the end I'm losing the battle to my addiction.. and I honestly dont know what to do

[broken-ben76]

The addiction wins

Turns out as much as I love you, my addiction wins. I'm unlovable, I will always be this broken person who loves my alcohol more than I love you, I'm going to die this way with a bottle in my hand or a needle in my arm. . The bad thing wins... I thought I could beat it I thought love wins... but it doesn't the addiction does, I have been fighting long and hard I love u i do, but my alcohol is there when no one else is... so it WINS!

[broken-ben76]

Bye bitch!!!

Those were the last words you told me.. knowing that I was transgender... knowing that it has been a struggle my whole life knowing on the outside I looked a certain way but on the inside feeling another way... I have done you so wrong because of all the drugs and drinking I wasnt right but those last words you spoke to me are unforgivable. I love you but I can never forgive you for calling me that IM NOT A BITCH... IM NOONES BITCH!!! I'm a man trapped IN a womans body and no one will ever understand the sad thing is I thought you did understand but at the end u didn't... so now here I am more broken and hurt more than ever u have called me many things but a BITCH!!! REALLY??? THAT WAS A LOW BLOW!! so HERE I sit with the barrel of the gun in my mouth with one bullet playing Russian roulette hoping I get no more clicks and just a BANG!! TO END IT ALL

[broken-ben76]

Missing piece

I'm a broken man, who broke everything and everyone I ever loved. I wish I could fix and take back all the hurt and pain I caused you I was a damn fool! Now I know I will search for you in everyone woman that I meet and it will not compare. I will live with the regret of losing you. I also know if i happen to ever fix myself there will be a missing piece because you will have that piece forever with you.

[broken-ben76]

I get a text from everyone but you....

# still missing you # hoping you miss me too

[broken-ben76]

Day number 33 that you havent spoken to me because I was so carless with your love... what did I think?? That you would take my shit forever. That I could mistreat you time and time again and you would take me back? I miss you and because of my selfishness i have lost you forever. # i love you #im so sorry # I wish I had one more chance # please forgive me # dying inside # I cry every day for you # wish I realized what I had when I had it!!!

[broken-ben76]

It numbs the pain...

I fell of the wagon again... when I feel sad and alone the bottle is always there your choice was to ignore me belittle me because of my sickness how dare you post about depression when you have NO FUCKING IDEA!!! U said u understood.. nope you dont.. u said it's real.. well if u understood it you wouldn't have ignored me like you did now all my answers are at the bottom of the bottle and as long as it numbs the pain I can care less.. I know one thing for sure when the liquor wears off I'll feel the pain but then I'll just drown it in another bottle of liquor if I'm lucky I'll drown to death.. AMEN!

[broken-ben76]

I do I never realized how much I miss you saying it to me.. but oh God how I do!! Why did I have to be so foolish and reckless with your heart.

[broken-ben76]

This sounds like something she would tell me... she loves me but for her own sanity she had to let me go. I know I'm unlovable.. #confessionsofanaddict #uglytruthbehindtheaddiction. #Ibreakeveryheartieverlovedformyaddiction. #eventhoughiwouldwantoloveagain #notgoodforanyone

[broken-ben76]

Give me the strength

Please give me the strength to walk away... I have done wrong I have broken hearts I have lied i have cheated... things I didn't mean and want to do but because of my addiction i did... but now, NOW that I'm trying to make things right people only see the wrong I have done... so please give me the strength to walk away from you I have begged I have pleaded and u still CHOOSE TO IGNORE ME. Well no MORE.... I have beaten myself up ENOUGH and IM DONE... so I'm letting you go!! When u walk away PLEASE for Gods sake DONT FUCKING LOOK BACK!!!. Just GO!! that's what u have been wanting anyway... you are FREE!! SO fly little bird, fly!! Please give me strength.

[broken-ben76]

Point of no return...

I didnt want it to come to this... THE POINT OF NO RETURN...but it has. It came down to it. I know myself I'm a clinger, I'll hold on as much as I can.... I'll drag it out.. I'll beg I'll cry I will drag myself thru all the stupid shit.... but once I do that... once I drag myself thru all the bullshit. I get to the point of NO RETURN that means after I have dragged myself thru it all after I have bared it all, after I have DRAGGED myself thru all the embarrassment, after all the shameful shit.... there is NO COMING BACK!! so take your stupid fucking pride and shove it down your fucking throat... I M DONE!!! so THE POINT OF NO RETURN IS IN FULL ACTION!!!!

[broken-ben76]

Slit.

I just want to slit my throat... I want to slit my wrist... I wish I had the guts... I dont have the guts wish I did... I just want to die.. I really do! And the more I wish too it's a further dream to get to. I want to die everyone says the same about me everyone thinks they know me

[broken-ben76]

Leave

Everyone's solution is to leave, things get hard they walk away, u prove your love time and time again... to just have them give up... u have your flaws I'm not perfect but at the end of the day you love them. You have loved u have lost time and time again but eventually u get to realize what and who you want and now, When it's the most IMPORTANT time of your life when u have realized u have a disease that comes back time and time again... and you only you know that it only GETS WORSE when the one person you need and want... is the ONE person who cant wait to be far and away from you as possible. That's when u know you have been doing this all alone all along and that's when it hits you that no matter how much you love them or they say how much they love you... they can love you to the end of the world and back... but it doesnt matter because if they cant stay when it matters then doing this alone is better.

[broken-ben76]

Fuck up

A fuck up that's what I am.. i should win an oscar!! I'm so good at turning things to shit that i love... just when i think I'm coming up for air, to only find myself drowning again!!!. WHY!! , WHY am I so good at fucking things up!! You give me a little and I WANT IT ALL... in an instant with the whip of my tongue I shred every decent thing I told u to to little pieces of NOTHING!!! WHY am I such a FUCK UP!!! because maybe just maybe I'm to walk this life ALONE! AND maybe i should because I'm good at turning things i love into shit. Everything i touch that i love turns to shit! So with a broken heart and a stretched out arms i will let u go.. because I'm just a FUCK UP!!

[broken-ben76]

UNIVERSE!!! What do u want from me!!!

I have let her go, I have given her up, I have accepted the fact that I can no longer have her. The nights get longer. The days seem to drag. Just when I get lost in thought about u and letting you go it's like magic... u call, u text... and I SCREAM UNIVERSE!!!! What do u want from me???? Why have me give her up only for u too bring her back?... is it meant to be or is it temptation fucking with me!!!. I'm so confused... is it want? Is it need? Is it love or just security....I dont know all I can do is just let it be. I have fought, I have screamed but it seems no one notices me... so here I stay and let fate either let you stay or take you away.

[broken-ben76]

Little do you know

Little do you know that when I asked you to breakfast today it might be the last time we might see each other, I have let you go I know you haven't been in love with me for years it's just not the same anymore those eyes that once looked at me so lovingly. Now look at me with pity. My heart raced as I saw you. I thought to myself damn she still takes my breath away... I remind myself. I have let you go. You ask me how I am. I tell you I'm fine choking back tears. You say. Ok let's try this again.. how are you really? I simply cleared my throat and said I dont want to talk about any of that anything about us. I just want to sit here have breakfast and good conversation. So we did we talked about this we talked about that. For a moment a very brief one I almost forgot how broken we really were. As we sit and talk little do you know that in your email sits a letter I wrote to you telling you that I have to let you go I dont know how you are going to take it so I know you don't check your email for awhile so I knew I had time so I asked you to breakfast... I wanted to enjoy time with you just in case. When you read the email and realize I have let you go you might decide to walk away and never look back at least I had one last good memory of us. After wards I helped you wash your car, vacuum it, put air in your tires you know things a man does, just in case you do decide to walk away you have one last good memory of me it will remind you of the man you once married. We said our goodbye's I died a little more as i drove away from you. So now here i sit with all these feelings it's too late the email is sent i have decided for your HEALTH. I have to let you go. I have too because I love you, and I'm not what you need. Little do you know you have an email waiting for you.

[broken-ben76]

We used to have this connection... even when you were angry at me, I still felt you. I let you go the other night... like really let you go not like all the other 100 times we let each other go. I have caused so much damage I broke you,I treated you like shit when all you did was love me. I never deserved you!! When i was using I was a different person, I didn't even feel human I felt like a rabid Dog biting anyone's hands who tried to save me. For once in a very long time I fell to my knees and prayed. To have the strength to let you go because I love you and I knew u deserved so much better I want you happy even if that means without me. I used to feel you its crazy.....there was a point in time that you loved me and looked at me like I was the only man in the world I remember how that made me feel, like I could conquer the world. Now it's like we are complete strangers you were my WIFE!!! We don't even speak now because of the monster I had become. Is there any way of coming back from being so far gone?... God I hope so. If there is anything that I could make right from being sober now is having a chance to make it up to you. It's scary life can lead us in total opposite directions.. what if I never see you again!!