brokenbxnny - Tumblr blog

[brokenbxnny]

I am momentary. Filling in gaps for short times until someone better takes my place. An option. Not first. Barely liked. Never loved.

[brokenbxnny]

At what point will I learn that I will always be second best :’)

[brokenbxnny]

I’m literally terrified of getting hurt again. Things have been going pretty well recently but I’m sensing turbulence and I am fucking petrified. I don’t even know why I feel this way

[brokenbxnny]

liability by lorde.

[brokenbxnny]

Idk why but. Break ups make me dissociate. Its just so. “What do I do from here???” I feel like. I’m nothing?? Or unwanted?? Or that I have nowhere to go?? It kinda makes me feel like. I should just off myself. I mean they were my everything they helped me they kept me in one piece?? What do i do from here?? they meant. everything to me. they were literally keeping me together. they helped me. but now?? I lost that. I don’t have anywhere to go. i know I have friends and stuff. I know I have comforts. I have everything I need. But. Its not the same kind of support. Its just kinda. different. They helped me in ways nobody else could. And i just feel. Empty. And bored. Like. I have nowhere to go. Nothing even?? matters. It makes me feel like. Nothing matters anymore. Everything happening is just one more thing happening. It doesn’t matter anymore. I lost the only thing keeping me together

[brokenbxnny]

[brokenbxnny]

AM I JUST NOT ENOUGH???

fuck it, i give everything and it's still not enough.

[brokenbxnny]

i hate waking up, i j want to sleep forever, i dont want to process anyone or anything

[brokenbxnny]

i loooove being delusional. catch me ignoring reality altogether. catch me never being reasonable ever. catch me straight up making up things in my head to cope. delusion is my best friend

[brokenbxnny]

“I am so sorry for hurting you while I was trying to hurt myself.”

[brokenbxnny]

“Stop making your disorder your personality”

Brother I have a personality disorder

[brokenbxnny]

why is it so hard for me to believe that someone actually cares about me and isn’t always going to replace me at any given moment

[brokenbxnny]

bpd is turning nothing into everything, its knowing you’re being irrational and not being able to stop regardless.

[brokenbxnny]

i think it is very brave and sexy of me to continue living

[brokenbxnny]

People will tell you “trust me, I’m not going anywhere” and then two days later never speak to you again with no explanation. Abandonment doesn’t even phase me anymore. Everyone else left why wouldn’t you.

[brokenbxnny]

Living, Breathing, BPD.

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Bpd is being so scared to be alone, you let anyone in.

Bpd is destroying everything around you, then regretting it instantly.

Bpd is ruining relationships in order to “protect yourself”

Bpd is this big empty void that will never go away

Bpd is caring too much then not caring not all.

Bpd is putting your everything in somebody in hope they stay.

Bpd is thick deep emotions running deep in you

Bpd is changing back in forth between emotions where it leaves you confused.

Bpd is never feeling like you belong anywhere.

Bpd is self sabotage tactics

Bpd is feeling like you are the most disgusting creature that everyone is repulsed by

Bpd is being really irresponsible randomly

Bpd is putting yourself in danger just to feel something.

Bpd is cutting of plans you were going to go to because you are too anxious.

Bpd is dissociating in order to cope.

Bpd is looking into the mirror and seeing a different person each time.

Bpd is feeling so angry that you can’t stop yourself

Bpd is not being able to get out of bed the next day, and the next day, and the next day.

Bpd is random bursts of euphoria causing bad choices.

Bpd is have a lot of short intense relationships/friendships.

Bpd is racing paranoid thoughts causing you to question everything.

Bpd is the intense worrying that everyone in your life will leave you any second.

Bpd is never knowing who you can really trust.

Bpd is negatively recycling people’s words and actions.

Bpd is small things effecting your entire day.

Bpd is being in a bubble of the regret of your words or actions you said to a loved one.

Bpd is attaching yourself to somebody intensely.

Bpd is wanting to change but stuck in a cycle.

Bpd is not knowing how to stop your emotions.

Bpd is feeling like you are not you.

Bpd is having daily impulses and self destructive behavior.

Bpd is never knowing if you are alright.

Bpd is loving so unconditionally.

Bpd is being really intuitive.

Bpd is always being there for your loved ones.

Bpd is becoming infatuated with loved ones interests and being able to talk about it with them.

Bpd is good at keeping promises.

Bpd is having a very artsy and creative mind.

Bpd is planning fun spontaneous adventures with friends.

Bpd is taking on the struggles of your loved one to help.

Bpd is being really good at learning things.

Bpd is being very loyal and protective with friendships/relationships.

Bpd is being so very passionate about the things you love.

Bpd is going online to play your favorite games for hours.

Bpd is being so hard working.

Bpd is not being afraid to take risks in life.

Bpd is calling off of work to hang out with your loved one who needs you.

Bpd is doing anything and everything for the one for loved ones.

Bpd is still pushing through life even though they are tired.

Bpd is being very determined about the things you care about.

Bpd is being a great reliable friend.

Bpd is deeply caring about the things you love.

Bpd is in a state always looking how to better yourselves.

Bpd is being extremely curious about life’s “what ifs” or “whys” or “how dos”.

Bpd is a human that came from deep pain that is trying to rise from the ashes like a phoenix.

[Bittersweet-Hiraeth]

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[brokenbxnny]

Please don’t hurt me anymore