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[brokendownfantasies]

Wonder what it's gonna take to fix this feeling

"My heart is getting heavy from hoping And it's got a lot of battle scars I kind of wish somebody had told me That this was gonna be so hard And maybe I was made to be lonely 'Cause I'm standing here with open arms Oh, I just want somebody to hold me When I'm falling apart"

Dear W,

After my last entry about J, I thought I was done writing in this blog... but then your current partner reached out to me and confided in me that you sexually assaulted her too.  I decided I needed to write to process these heavy feelings.  

All these years, I dismissed your awful behavior to me being an immature, naïve partner who didn't know better.  When we broke up, I was going through a hypomanic episode and I put a lot of blame on myself when I shouldn't have.  Even months after, I reflected and still thought you were a good person, which was really foolish of me.

I thought I closed the chapter on us years ago, but I guess the trauma is still there.  I know we ended things because I felt like you couldn't take care of me, but there was a lot more to it, wasn't there?  You emotionally manipulated me and made me feel smaller, weaker than I actually was.  You would go through my phone and convince me that you somehow read messages on Snapchat that were erased from the platform long before you could even get to them, just to try to have the upper hand with me.  I don't even want to think about times that (I now know would) count as sexual assault.  I blocked it out of my memories years ago, but there is a time towards the end of the relationship that I remember that you insisted on sex even though I had come from a 12+ hour shift and already took my sleeping medication.  You got angry that I started to fall asleep during the act and kept going, but shouldn't you have just stopped? What the fuck is wrong with you? 

What hurt was when our friends saw the scab on my nose and decided to still stay friends with you.  I also will never forget telling my mom that you were abusive - she was upset for a minute or so, said she never liked you, and never brought it up again.  How was I supposed to feel like I was a victim when I felt like no one was there for me?   Eventually I just moved on and never really looked back.  I put too much blame on what happened to myself, and decided to just move on.  

I knew that you started dating someone new because you removed our photos together and blocked me on various platforms a year and half or so after the breakup.  I figured that she fit your expectations of a romantic partner better than I ever did, and wondered if you two were happy.  The message she sent me 4 days ago was, well honestly not surprising, but opened up a lot of wounds.  You never fucking learn do you?  I really hope she reports you because no one deserves to get hurt by you ever again.

I hate that I'm still hurt from your bullshit all these years later.  I hate that I was too young to understand that what you did was wrong and let so many red flags slide.  I hope that she's okay and has the strength to leave, because she deserves so much better than your sorry ass.  And I hope that you never, ever hurt another girl ever again, but somehow I feel like you'll find a way (which honestly hurts the most).  

[brokendownfantasies]

Just lie to me, say you found someone else

Ironically, the one guy who warned me about you showed me the remix of this song that I really like.

Dear J,

We stopped writing letters to each other years ago, didn't we? C mentioned that you found the notebook we used to write letters to each other in, and that you were considering writing me a letter before our argument last week.  I wondered what you would have written.

I guess I sometimes wonder at what point things went wrong, but perhaps things weren't exactly right to begin with.  On surface level, at least in the beginning, things made sense.  You were an older, more mature guy who seemed to have his shit together, and I was a younger, fun girl who introduced you to new, exciting adventures.  We both enjoyed Japanese culture, food and drinks, video games (well kinda, on my end), traveling, and EDM.  You gave me an excuse to move back to the Bay Area, which is where I considered home even after all these moves.  Our friends said we were cute together and my mom liked you. Even before you asked me out though, I had a feeling that you wouldn't be able to handle me.  I remember there were some days where I tried to sleep the depression away (and got frustrated when my body wouldn't let me anymore), and you couldn't do anything to help.  Granted, we were separated by 3 time zones and 3000 miles, and you felt bad, but.... I guess that's when I realized that I was going to have to deal with my demons by myself again.  Even after I moved in and I was trying to adjust to living back in the Bay after being away for so long, I felt like I was fighting my own emotional battles.  I think I kept telling myself that it was fine, since I was so used to handling my problems independently anyways.  You would at least listen to what was bothering me, so that was enough for the time being.

There were small things that you would say that always bothered me, but I always brushed it aside because I wanted us to work so badly.  You didn't support me going back to school, and always said that I took my stress out on you.  Now, although I agree that sometimes I don't handle stress very well, I don't think that was a fair statement.  I admit that I do raise my voice a lot, but you should have realized that's part of my personality even when we first started talking.  If it gave you PTSD from K then... what are you doing dating another loud girl? I didn't like that I couldn't be myself around you in that regard, because it would just lead to arguments.  

You always said that I was messy and that made me unattractive but... have you seen your house recently? Also I cleaned my bathroom every so often, which I never saw you do for yours.  My current landlord has fairly strict rules about keeping common spaces clean, which I'm trying my best to follow.  I think it was hard for me to be as clean as you wanted me to (whatever the fuck that means, considering the state of your house lol), because I walked into such a messy space.  I'm trying a lot better to be organized lately, and although it's taking me quite a bit of time, it's something I'm working on. 

Which brings me to my next point... do you ever work on yourself, or do you play victim any chance you get?  I know that I complain a lot about my problems, but I always strive to meet my goals.  My motto for the last couple of years has been to work smart and play smart, which is why I took on full time school and work to begin with.  If I felt like it wasn't something I could handle, I would've quit work a long time ago or gone part time.  You mentioned that you didn't like that my salary cap wasn't going to be higher than K's but.... I didn't go into healthcare for the money.  Plus, it's not like you were ever gonna make all that much more anyways since you don't want to advance.  I understand that you don't want to be a manager (and neither do I), but who are you to talk down on my professional development goals when you don't seem to even have any?  Also everyone is tired of you talking about that one company. We get it, you got screwed over by your manager apparently.  Focus on the future, not what happened in the past.

I know that these are all things I kept verbalizing with other people, but maybe I just needed to write it all out.  I also won't forget that JB warned me about you, saying that you got dark after your breakups with K and D.  I always assumed that meant you seemed depressed afterwards, which seemed normal but... the way you've been treating me isn't.  I also feel like with how selective your memory is, you're going to go around telling people only the bad things, even if they aren't entirely true.  I'm just going to have to accept that, which is probably the hardest part.  I am a so-called receipt queen and can tell people that you're otherwise wrong or lying, but at the end of the day, some people are going to think I'm a bad person because of you.  I think that's the hardest pill to swallow, knowing that no matter what I do, some people are going to think I was the one that fucked up.

I wish that things were different and that maybe if we didn't rush into things, we could've realized that we were better off friends and stayed that way instead.  But knowing how we both are, I don't think that would've happened since we both have a tendency to fall fast.   I just hope that you don't repeat the same mistakes with the next girl you fall for, but I have a feeling you will anyway since you tend to not take accountability.  I will still be cordial with you publicly, and I'll never stop caring because that's the kind of person I am.  Maybe one day we can be friends again, but to be honest I don't know if I want that after everything that's happened.  I hope that you can understand.

With love, forever and always

[brokendownfantasies]

Cold as Stone

The irony is that when I first heard this song, I thought it applied to W, but now it’s all about you

I think I spend too much time thinking out loud with others why I stayed with you for so long.  During my long drive to and from Baltimore on Friday, I realized that it’s about time I write you a final letter, not that I would send it to you anyways.

I fell in love with you because it was refreshing to be with someone who seemingly understood my anxiety and depression.  You claimed to let me be who I am, unconditionally, and we had our fair share of fun going to all those shows and festivals. I thought I was happy.

But I was lying to myself.

Your substance abuse/addictive personality was only one of the few problems in our relationship.  You’ll never admit to your problem, but I honestly let so many things slide because I loved you and wanted to believe you.  I should’ve known that you weren’t sober when you crashed my car into a house.  I should’ve been more upset that you blacked out on our belated Valentine’s Day dinner (which you insisted on taking me out, even though I didn’t want to do it because I don’t care for the “holiday”).  I should’ve been more vocal about your drinking and smoking habits, and why it bothered me.

I could go on and on about the other issues we had too.  You started to take advantage of my kindness, and stopped giving me attention.  How irresponsible you are, and never seem to learn from your mistakes. How you struggled with time and money management but you always blamed it on other factors. How you apparently lied to me about your substance use, even though all I ever asked for was for you to be honest.

Even if I bring all of this up, you would find ways to make excuses for yourself and get angry with me over things completely irrelevant to the situation.  You always thought I was too lusty for talking to other guys, but I always told you that the conversations were platonic on my end. And let’s be real, maybe if you gave me enough attention, we wouldn’t have had these issues to begin with.

I do still want what’s best for you, just because that’s the kind of person I am.  I hope you get your life together and prove my friends who were skeptical wrong and you succeed professionally.

But part of me knows better too.

[brokendownfantasies]

How Far We’ve Come

(Even though I’m not going to send this to you, mostly because I know that you wouldn’t read it anyways)

I find it interesting that the last letter I posted on this blog was to you also, when we were still starting things out.  I remember pouring my heart over those words, because I was so desperate for you to understand who I was and what you were dealing with.  I remember you mentioned that you already knew most of the things I told you, which was honestly shocking because I really dug into the depths of my mind.  Looking back, I think you were being a little smug.

I’ve been reflecting about us recently, especially since your name comes up in casual conversation with friends fairly often.  Part of it is because we both wondered why we stayed together for so long together, especially since my friends recognized that we weren’t good for each other (but didn’t say anything since I seemed happy).  And well, I was happy... but not completely genuinely.  Our countless arguments and fights over my actions, your jealousy... it was just so tiring and cyclic towards the end.  I’ve been trying to figure out the nature of my current feelings, and I think I finally figured it out:

I’m a little sad that we’re no longer on good terms, and that it’s partially my fault.  If I had remembered to log myself out of my messenger before you had a chance to look at conversations I was having about the breakup, we probably would’ve had a chance.  Even though it was an invasion of privacy, I should’ve known better.  

What frustrates me the most is that I know you’re a good person, deep down inside, but your ego always gets in the way.  I was pleasantly surprised to hear that you fronted the thousands of dollars to help bail your bros out.  But I also always knew you had it in you.  During one of our last fights, you mentioned that you wanted to learn from me and care about others as much as I do.  Even then, I knew you never would get there, but I secretly hoped that you would try to improve yourself.

I now am with someone that not only makes me happy, but I can be genuinely myself without fearing repercussions.  It’s refreshing, honestly.  I still do think about you everyday though and I honestly still love/care about you, and I always will.  When I signed off those letters with “with love, forever and always,” I meant it.  Perhaps not in the way we imagined it to be, but the sentiment is still there.  

I do wish the best for you and hope you find happiness and success, but I predict the latter will be difficult for you because of your unaltered ego.  I’m so sorry I broke your heart (as you did mine, but I’m way more resilient than you are).  

[brokendownfantasies]

Infinite Playlist

“The night is deafening When the silence is listening And I'm down on my knees, And I know that something is missing. Because the back of my mind is holding things I'm relying in But I choose to ignore it because I'm always denying them

I'm a bit of a manic when it's not as I plan it 'Cause I start losing my head and then I get up in a panic Remember when we were kids and always knew when to quit it Are we denying a crisis or are we scared of admitting it? I don't want to know...

I just want to run to you And break off the chains, And throw them away I just want to be so much And shake off the dust that turned me to rust Sooner than later, I'll need a saviour”

- LIGHTS, "Saviour”

To my dearest Snowflake,

Honestly, there are too many songs out there that can describe how I feel about you.  I think my entire insomnia playlist more or less covers how I’ve felt about you over the past month or so, not to mention every other song in my various other playlists.  Music has been an escape to me for as long as I can remember, because it puts my feelings and thoughts into a medium that more or less everyone out there enjoys.  That’s why I have various playlists for different moods and/or the people I’m surrounding myself with.  

Anyways, I guess I should start with disclosing my family life.  The rest can come in due time, and I can link you to various things I’ve written in the past if it comes up or if you’re ever curious about anything.  I’ll also be writing to you for the rest of our lives I feel like, whether you choose to read/save my letters is up to you though.

For as long as I can remember, I knew that something was off about my parents.  They would never tell me directly what was going on, but I could tell that my dad loved my mom but she didn’t.  I also remember bits and pieces of my preschool years that aren’t super significant other than me realizing that my thoughts and feelings traveled a lot faster than my peers.  I was super shy because I couldn’t speak English until months after I immigrated (my dad assumed that if he spoke to me in English and made me watch Disney movies while we still lived in in Japan, I would be comfortable enough to go to a Christian preschool. Boy was he wrong).  Even afterwards, I felt intimidated since the rest of my peers were more or less white.  My mom would only really schedule “playdates” with her Asian friends and their kids too, which didn’t help with my social anxiety.

The thing about my memory is that I can remember very specific details, whether it be physical or emotional, from very specific moments.  I can also more or less identify how I perceived myself as a person based on various milestones in my life: preschool; elementary, middle and high school; college, the time I took off after I graduated to get my life together, and my life after I moved to the DMV.  Each of these periods have some fond memories as well as hellish ones, and I’ll probably disclose everything slowly as time goes on.  But tonight, my eyes are already a little heavy so I’ll focus on my relationship with my mother, father, sister, maybe touch a bit on other family members if I get to it.

Let’s start with my mother: needless to say, I think you’ve pieced together at this point that she and I have a very strained relationship.  I am very similar to my father, personality-wise, and every time she gets angry with me, I can tell it’s the traits that she loathed about him.  Whether it’s how I sometimes leave messes out for days (even though I actually am more or less organized, I just have a tendency to lose things because I’m clumsy), or because I choose to not keep a consistent sleep schedule, or because I talk too much to strangers I just met... it’s quite obvious that she doesn’t have the capacity to love me unconditionally.  When I was in preschool (and up until like, end of elementary), she kept on sticking me in all these random academic programs like Kumon and Japanese school because she wanted me to be “smart.”  Even from a young age, it was obvious that more intellectually gifted than the average student.  I still have a hard time admitting that I’m actually smart, because my mom never really praised me for my grades or what not.  It was simply what was expected of me, which explains why she scolded me over minor mistakes like getting Bs on progress reports.  

She always forgave me if it was an English or Reading class “because English is my second language,” but she always asked too many questions if it was anything else.  Language/words have always been a weak point for me, especially speaking.  As I mentioned before, I feel a lot more than I think, so my social anxiety often gets the best of me and I say something stupid/inappropriate or the words simply don’t come out of my mouth like I want them to.  Going to Penn forced me to present myself well and avoid cracking in high stress situations (such as interviews, presentations, etc), but I still slip sometimes, especially in casual encounters.

My dad on the other hand was worried that I was stressing too much over schoolwork and what not.  He would constantly praise me for my good grades, even if he didn’t know what they meant exactly.  My dad wasn’t exactly the most intellectual person, but he was very street smart.  He also was way more socially awkward than I ever was, but I think that just has to do with the string of mental health disorders that runs on his side of the family.  I never actually thought about what his diagnosis would’ve been until now, but if I had to take a wild guess, I would say his behavior parallels my anxiety.  He struggled with social norms way more than I did, but I could blame that on his disease as well.

The differences between how my dad acted before and after he was diagnosed with a brain tumor/cancer are very slim, at least in my mind.  Because he became ill at such a young age, I have a hard time differentiating the two.  Tera says that she’s jealous because I got to know “dad before he got sick,” but honestly, the memories don’t really show any variation.  He became a lot more stubborn as the years went on, but that’s also because his disease was progressing a little more each year.

I actually spent most of my childhood resenting my dad after he was diagnosed.  My mother would blame our “financial problems” on my dad because he had to stop working at such a young age.  He declared an early retirement before I had even graduated elementary school.  His “financial advisor” was also a complete moron, and did not study the markets well at all (so we were constantly being told conflicting news).  After my dad paid off all the mortgages on our properties, we just started to live off all his assets.  At one point, he applied for social security benefits because he was permanently disabled, so my mom, Tera and I could receive some money each month.  He would never admit it, but I could tell that took a huge toll on his ego.  He essentially was admitting to the world that he was no longer capable of working and would die sometime in the near future.

Because my mom was so emotionally manipulative, my sister and I would constantly side with her during arguments.  She wanted to leave and take Tera and I back to Japan, and honestly, I think she would have if it weren’t for my dad’s illness.  Like I’ve said, she would confide in me when I was in middle school about how she planned on leaving after Tera and I started school.  That was also around the time she went behind my dad’s back to ask her parents for money, and asked me to help her with anything she didn’t understand due to the language barrier.  First it was activating debit and credit cards she started behind my dad’s back, then it was writing emails or talking to customer service reps for her in English.  

I think I started to realize that it was the disease that was tearing my family apart, and not my father himself, around early high school.  I actually wrote my college application essay on this, if you ever want to read it.  That’s when I became more proactive in helping my family out.  I primarily learned how to drive because I felt bad for my parents having to give me rides around everywhere.  I was terrible at the beginning; I actually knew I wasn’t ready to take my exam the first two times I took it, but I did it anyways because I wanted to stop burdening my parents.  By the third time, I finally felt comfortable, which is probably why I passed with almost no mistakes on my exam.  Afterwards, not only did I drive Tera and I to school more or less every day during my senior year, but also helped with driving her around for dance lessons and what not. I also had to drive my dad around a lot after I graduated high school because he no longer was mentally sharp enough to drive.

I guess this is a good place to bring up Tera.  I recently did some mental math, and realized that my parents probably spent double of what they spent on me growing up.  She was born with a minor heart defect, and she’s an October baby (just like my dad), so my parents were very careful with her growing up.  But because she was also the younger sibling, they also didn’t care about her academics as much as mine.  They could tell from the beginning that I was obviously more intellectually gifted, so they just let her do her own thing.  I firmly believe this is why Tera had to take ESL classes in elementary schools even though she was born in the States, whereas I passed the test the first time I took it in Kindergarten (I was actually supposed to be tested before 1st grade, but I learned how to read before I turned 6 so my teachers didn’t even bother testing me).  

I could go on and on about how unfair my childhood was compared to Tera’s, and that’s probably why I have a such a high tolerance for both emotional and physical pain.  Deep down inside, I’m actually a coward, and I make many, many silly mistakes because I simply cannot be perfect in anything.  However, my parents pressured me so much to be “smart” and “alert.”  They always praised Tera’s grades and how aware she was of her surroundings when I was growing up, which made me want to prove myself and pushed me to work so hard.  I always thought that if I got good grades and understood the world around me, then maybe my parents would love me.

I was always hiding though.  The environment I grew up in outside of my household was very liberal and happy-go-lucky, but my parents were very conservative in their views.  I was always too scared to go against their rules, even though I had this aching desire to be as carefree as my friends in school and what not.  I did realize that I had a very adaptable personality though (since I was always trying to prove to my parents that I was good enough in various aspects of life), so I slowly learned to present myself differently depending on the people around me.  

As I got older, I started to leave out details about how I truly thought or became more careful with my actions.  In high school, it was hiding that developed insomnia and stayed up way too late doing homework or just doing dumb things on the internet.  I also discovered my sexuality when I was around 17, and had to hide the hickeys, condoms, and chatlogs (although the latter was not that hard, as you can imagine).  In college, I hid my birth control, alcohol and weed use (although the latter was very scarce, if any, since I was scared of failing my nursing school mandated drug tests), promiscuity, and travel plans (to this day, my mom thinks I’ve only been to Chicago once after my dad took me.  Including layovers and mini trips, I went 6 times including the time I went with you).  I would sometimes slip, but I never cracked, so even though they probably knew what was up, they never questioned it.  

After my dad passed, I entered a state of depression that clouded my mind for a few years.  I’m more or less fine now, and don’t think I’ll ever reach those lows again (mostly because I don’t think I’ll experience that kind of loss again, and if I do, I already know what to expect).  I actually wanted to take time off like everyone suggested I do, but I didn’t even bring it up to my mom because I knew she would make a big deal out of it.  So I pushed myself hard, and begged professors to pass me or let me take exams later if my anxiety got the best of me.  My friends, including girls I called my sorority sisters, would give me condescending looks or not understand why I was struggling so much with academics.  

At one point, something clicked in my mind and I stopped pouring the same number of hours on my schoolwork like the rest of my nursing school peers.  I managed my time so that I could crank out assignments in about half the time they did, and just spent my remaining energy on aKDPhi, my work study job, traveling, socializing, etc.  I would alternate between not sleeping at all because my anxiety made it so I could survive weeks with just power naps and mild amounts of caffeine, or sleeping too much and only doing the bare minimum because my depression got too bad.  This is why at one point I thought I was bipolar: because I would alternate between the two like clockwork.  But, as an ex pointed out, my depression would always have a reasoning behind it, whether it would come back around the time my dad passed, or I was about to fail a class again.

I guess I realized my obsession with patterns right after I graduated.  I could more or less know when I would get depressed, so I tried to schedule travel plans around that time.  My memory gets fuzzy when it’s “just words” (which is probably why I’m so bad at pharmacology to this day).  When I was studying for boards, after I more or less understood the core content, I would memorize specific phrases or strategies that I would find just from doing thousands of practice questions (I collected a giant bank of test questions through friends who were lucky enough to take the test before me).  I sometimes get lost even with directions or a GPS, but I can map locations out in my head so I can get to where I need to go even if I miss a turn or what not.  Especially when I travel, I’ve recognized how people act depending on regions, and adapt to how they act based on mannerisms and what not.  I also ask good questions and really listen to what people say to me (which is why one of the first questions I always ask people is “where are you from?”), so I can identify what kind of person they are right away and can figure out how to approach them.

After moving, I haven’t had a single episode of depression.  Of course, I would get sad sometimes (like this past weekend), but I never felt the need to sleep the entire day away just because I couldn’t mentally make myself do anything else.  Despite all the bullshit that’s happened since day one, I’ve actually been, more or less, the happiest I’ve ever been.  I think it’s because I finally am free from my mom’s micromanaging ways.  Even though I’m still financially dependent on her, at this point I can tell she feels bad regarding my condition and will give me all the money I need.  Everything else is all in my control, more or less (although this phone and laptop situation hinders that, which increases my anxiety).  I no longer have to interact with fake “friends” that treat me poorly. 

However, my anxiety reached all time highs since about a month before I moved.  I wasn’t scared though, because I would be on my own health insurance plan and I wouldn’t have to risk my mom seeing “psychological services” on any bill.  That is the sole reason why I put off seeing a psych doctor for so long: because my mom doesn’t really believe in mental health services.  I self medicated in college through adjusting my sleeping patterns, seeing a counselor, taking over the counter medications, and socializing (through means of travel, social media, partying, going to concerts and music festivals, etc).  But by the time I got to DC and I was still only sleeping a few hours a night, I knew I needed something stronger than melatonin.  That’s why I asked my manager for "resources” during my first week: because I knew I needed to be evaluated through a counselor before I would be matched with a psychologist.  I could have theoretically gone through a primary care provider first, but I was secretly hoping that my past remedies would magically start working again.

Even after taking my prescription medication, I feel like I only will ever need it PRN.  I like timing my sleep exactly because I know what my body can handle, and I do manage to get a “normal amount of sleep” through power naps.  Especially when I go back to working, I think I’ll mostly rely on melatonin for sleep aids.  I can tell when my body needs something stronger though, so don’t worry.  It’s not that I’m going against medical advice, I just know what my body can handle.  I used to hide melatonin pills in my scrub pockets “just in case” my anxiety got too crippling during my shifts, but I forgot about it because I would be able to focus on my work as needed.  Yes, I admit that I was making mistakes, but every other nurse I talked to said my errors were completely understandable and did not completely compromise patient safety (ex. I sometimes gave medications barely on time or slightly after the dosing times, but it was often during high stress situations like that time the virus hit the hospital or my preceptor basically made me literally run around the floor to get everything done).  I just got unlucky with my preceptor pairing and a manager who wasn’t empathetic at all, but it’s whatever.  No use crying over that anymore, right?

I guess I should explain to you exactly what I mean when I say that “I don’t care” or “I don’t know.”  I explained this in my letter to Bowser, but for me, “I don’t care” doesn’t mean that I actually have no feelings towards that particular subject.  That phrase is something I say defensively, because it’s easier to say that I don’t care about something than to explain that I’m tired of getting hurt by everyone and I’m just glazing over the pain.  Similarly, “I don’t know” doesn’t mean that I don’t actually know why someone acts a certain way.  It’s just simpler and less dramatic to say that rather than to explain the inner workings of everyone’s mind.  

At this point, I can probably go on and on about my behavior and what not, but I think at this point you’ve gathered that:

- I’m mildly masochistic because I believe that it’ll fill those empty holes in my heart that my blood family never filled (if you want a quick analysis on how empty I feel regarding that, see my letter to my big bro)

- I’m actually a very lonely coward, but I come off as happy-go-lucky and impulsive because that’s how the people around me were back home in Cali and because my dad was the same way

- The only blood relative that probably/could’ve love(d) me unconditionally was my father (and perhaps anyone on his side of the family, but the geographical distance made that nearly impossible).  The only reason why I never truly felt it was because i was too scared to admit the liberal parts of my personality to my dad, because he wanted me to be more conservative and simple-minded like he was (I couldn’t though, because my mom’s genes make me intellectually intuitive and I was scared of admitting that I didn’t want to be as conservative as my parents were)

- I have empty places in my heart that are slowly being filled by my Greek brothers and sisters, because they have shown me more love and support (directly towards me and indirectly based on how I see them act towards one another) than my own blood family ever did.  That’s why I put up with their stupidity and listen to them rant about all their dumb problems: because they put up with me, no matter how “crazy” I can act

- My best and worst features is that I feel more than the average person, and that I’m more or less a well rounded individual.  This makes me crazy because I can multitask very well but still think clearly, but I do dumb things based on my initial feelings before I actually think things out.  

- I’ve been waiting my entire life for someone to love romantically and give it my all.  My promiscuity and candidness about my feelings is a recipe for disaster for romantic relationships, because I have a tendency to make the other person fall as quickly as I do (for a brief insight on that, you can read my letter to my pbro because he and I both have a very similar history, which is why we both freaked out and pulled back).  Usually for me though, the person falls way too deep and I pull back because I know they mentally cannot take care of me, or they run away because it gets hard.  I actually expected the latter of you, but I was pleasantly surprised.  Maybe I can rely on fate after all.

I guess all I really have left to say before I finally go to sleep is that I am ready for you.  I am not 100% there yet; if I were to give a percentage, I would say I fluctuate between the 70-90% range, depending on how I feel and how you react to that, and vice versa.  I do want to get to a point where I’m 100% into you (which I have never, ever reached for any romantic partner), but I can’t tell you exactly when that’ll be.  All I can say is that you’ve already gotten me this far, and I’m not going anywhere anytime soon.  The reason why this letter is so long is because I wanted to take the time to really explain some really deep, dark secrets.  A lot of this information is actually things I’ve tucked away in deep corners of my mind, hence the lyrics at the beginning.  LIGHTS is actually one of my favorite artists of all time because her music (especially her first album, both the acoustic and original versions) really embodies the loneliness, frustration, and happy-go-luckiness I feel on a daily basis.  Her song “Cactus in the Valley” (which I’ll include the lyrics for at the end of this letter) got me through some of the darkest periods in my life.  I actually have a Youtube playlist that consists solely of various covers of the song she’s done over the years.  A certain Korean fuckboy once agreed to perform it with me one day, but it’s whatever.  I still want to learn the song on piano and guitar just for kicks.

Alright, I think I’m done for now.  Thanks for reading this far.  I have a feeling this letter with both confuse and satisfy you (hopefully more of the latter).  Let me know if you have any questions, because you know I’ll always answer :) 

With love, forever and always,

Your sunshine ☀

(your potential soulmate)

I never meant to wither I wanted to be tall Like a fool left the river And watched my branches fall Old and thirsty, I longed for the flood To come back around To the cactus in the valley That's about to crumble down

And wipe the mark of sadness from my face Show me that your love will never change If my yesterday is a disgrace Tell me that you still recall my name

So, the storm finally found me And left me in the dark In the cloud around me I don't know where you are If this whole world goes up in arms All I can do is stand And I won't fight for anyone Until you move my hand

And wipe the mark of madness from my face Show me that your love will never change If my yesterday is a disgrace Tell me that you still recall my name

Oh, here, in the shadow Here I am And I need someone by my side It becomes so hard to stand And I keep trying to dry my eyes Come and find me In the valley

- LIGHTS, “Cactus in the Valley”

PS: I once considered getting a line from this song tattooed on my body, but I realized that quote tattoos are too tacky.

[brokendownfantasies]

“I’m so fucking romantic

That you can't even handle it I'm California magic And I can keep your candle lit”

- Matthew Koma, “So Fucking Romantic”

Dear pbroh,

I told you this before, but before we even met I saw you on social media through your lil sis’ pictures, because I’m close with her line sister.  I always thought you were cute and wondered if we were ever gonna meet, because we are psibs after all.  That’s why when we met at that dinner (which happened to be my first meal in the DMV and on Valentine’s Day), I knew it was the beginning of something special.  

To be honest, I didn’t originally see you as a potential lover.  I just thought you were going to be a pbro that I was going to become close with, kinda like my friendship with B.  I could tell you were catching feelings, so I kept on warning you not to, but eventually I caught on too.  That’s why I asked you to keep me company when I was crying and driving to our psis’ apartment at 1AM that weekend, because I wanted confirmation that ending things with that Princeton Tinder boy was the right thing to do.  There was so much ambiguity in the air, but you kept me awake and made me laugh a few times, which I really needed.

I think we both overhyped each other before you came to spend your Spring Break in DC with me.  I looked forward to you waking up everyday during work so I could smile and laugh at your encouraging comments.  To be honest, you were one of the few things that kept me going when I had to run to the few private spaces on the hospital floor to cry my eyes about my bitchy preceptor.  I remember counting down the days until I had the weekend off so we could just spend time together.

I don’t think either of us were ever ready for each other though.  You picked me up at the hospital, all frazzled from helping out your mom and self conscious about how you looked.  We couldn’t keep our hands off each other, but both of us were so nervous.  I could sense right away that you wanted to really like me, but... you were scared.  That’s why I let you sleep all weekend, and fed you homecooked meals just the way you wanted them.  I put up with your awkwardness when we went to Echo together because I knew you were really sad that you upset your fam.  I even tutored you on a Friday night at your dad’s house until like 4AM because I knew you were struggling, and wasn’t even mad when you ended up dropping the course.  

At the end of the weekend, you asked me to not come to RVA even though you initially promised a photoshoot for my dad’s anniversary.  You talked to your mom about us, and she wanted you to focus on yourself.  I bursted into tears, but not because I was mad at you.  I cried because I could feel you slipping out of my grip and wanted you to stay so badly.  I finally met someone who had such a large heart but was also betrayed by romantic lovers so badly.  We both wanted someone who was going to stick around, but we both were so scared of going for it when it was right in front of our faces.

I still continued to be affectionate towards you, but I was much more cautious.  I spilled my feelings to our pbros, my big bro, and other friends I could trust.  Half of them encouraged me to continue pursuing you.  Others, including biggie’s younger brother and your line bro, warned me about you.  I just wanted confirmation that you were right for me.  When biggie told me that you were telling your lil bro that you didn’t even like me, I knew I had to pull back a lot more.  I started getting way more emotionally distant after that, even though I still helped you with homework and planned to get you a graduation gift.

I think, deep down inside, I always knew that you weren’t going to be the one for me.  I just wanted us to work out so badly because you were the first boy I met who really understood where I was coming from and vice versa.  You are really fucking stupid sometimes, but that’s why I wanted to help you understand your schoolwork.  That’s why I freaked out in the hospital when I realized that I wouldn’t be able to help you with your PowerPoint and asked your roommate to help you out.  Even though I was over you romantically at that point, I still wanted you to succeed.  I still do, actually, and will make sure that you will. 

You joked that you knew I was going to meet someone else, and I kinda hate that you were right.  But I’m also glad that neither of us fell too deep, because now we can slowly form a friendship that I always wanted with a fellow peer.  

Thank you for drying my tears and making sure I was okay two nights ago when I started to cry about how sad I was that the world was against me.  You told me to stop caring about other people and focus on myself, which I’ve been trying to do.  I think I realized that night that when both of us say “I don’t care,” it doesn’t mean that we genuinely do not care about the situation.  It just means that we’re tired of getting hurt by everyone and are just glazing over the pain as a defense mechanism.  I guess that’s what happens when you come from broken families and get hurt too much from the wrong lovers, no matter how much we gave.

I was always jealous that your parents, even though they are no longer together, gave you love unconditionally.  Your dad gave me a weird glance when I saw him at your graduation this weekend - probably because he thinks I left you.  Don’t worry though, I wasn’t hurt by it.  Things will all heal with time, right?

You are stupid though, because you’re going to look back on this entire ordeal one day and realize that we could’ve been something great.  I kept on telling you it was too late when you gave me those knowing glances and did silly things like smack my head when we were in private.  You wanted more that night too, but I wasn’t going to give it up to you, especially with someone new in my life.  

I predict that we’ll remain a little distant from each other for some time.  But, like you said, we’re baseline friendly to a lot of people.  It’s hard to become genuinely close to someone after all the heartaches, isn’t it?  I have a feeling we’ll get there though.  I promise that I’ll be nicer to you than that psis that cheated on you, or literally any of your exes.  I’m so sorry that you were cheated on so many times and abused at one point.  But, just know that I’m going to stick around and be like a true “sister” to you.  We’re going to get in stupid arguments, but I think we’ll always understand each other in a way that’s hard to explain, right?  

I understand why your ex girlfriends and past flings did those terrible things for you, even though you never deserved it.  You and I are both too nice for our own good, so it’s easy for people to manipulate us like that.  We both have a tendency of catching feelings too early, which is why we were so cautious with each other.  I also understood why you don’t open up easily, because I’m the same way.  Just know that I’m going to be here for you, just like how you have for me all this time.

I don’t really know how to end this letter, so I guess I’ll cut it here.  I don’t even know if I’ll ever show you this, even though I know you’ll read it if I send it to you.  I didn’t expect you to listen to everything I say to the point where you pointed out that I repeat myself a lot.  But like I said, that habit is because I’m scared that no one is really listening to me.  I think you have that fear too though.

Thanks again for everything that you’ve done for me, and everything you’ll do for me in the future.  I realized that you stopped asking me for help because you realized that I need to help myself.  Even though the romance died some time ago, you’ll always hold a special place in my heart, and I think I’ll be the same to you one day.

Feels like you're a world away As when I am in this bed together

[...] I want you to feel again Soldier boy don't be so diamond hearted

- Steve Aoki, “I Love It When You Cry”

[brokendownfantasies]

“Into echoes you can feel, and rehearse the way you heal”

I’ll run away with your foot steps

I’ll build a city that dreams for two

And if you lose yourself

I will find you

- Zedd, “Find You”

[brokendownfantasies]

or like, I won’t fall back

im actually really afraid that no one will fall in love with me

[brokendownfantasies]

advice from true friends

[brokendownfantasies]

reblog if you're a lil ugly and you fall in love with anyone who's kinda nice to you

[brokendownfantasies]

I started scrolling through old posts on this blog and had a wave of strange nostalgia hit me, so I guess I’ll write a bit.

W and I started dating a few months ago, and it’s been pretty lukewarm since the beginning.  But it felt so comfortable, that I pushed these strange feelings aside and gave into the illusion that I was happy with everything.  I made excuses that it was okay that he didn’t know how to take care of me when I was depressed.  I pretended that I found his awkwardness endearing, and that it was okay that he was soft but not as empathetic as I wanted him to be.

But then Thursday he spent a few hours pouring out his thoughts which just screamed insecurity.  I was also dealing with someone else who likes me (or as Deepesh would put it, “another boy in my fan club”), along with random anxiety and family issues.  The thing is, I can deal with this, but I don’t know if I want to.

I found the list I made of qualities I want in a guy, and I realized that W doesn’t fit 2-3 of them.  But I’m a wuss and I can’t bring myself to end it just yet, so here I am on my couch, unsure of what to do.

[brokendownfantasies]

Oh, I would travel so far // To get back where you are

I wrote this once before, but I see New York City as a playground: thousands of places to explore, eat, and enjoy the company of friends and random passerby.  I have a strong fascination with city lights, and it definitely fulfills that quota.  I still don’t see myself as a permanent New Yorker, but it’s definitely something I strongly considered for the last few months.

I met M through a series of strange circumstances and online interactions.  I told myself he wasn’t the reason why I would move across the country to start a new chapter in my life, and he still isn’t.  However, he’s still someone I would love to start something with, just to enjoy each other’s company and do stupid, fun things with.  I definitely see myself as the more mature, er, experienced one, and think that’ll play a role if we ever end up together (which we most likely will if/when I move to the city that never sleeps). 

I played a bunch of scenarios in my head though, and something just doesn’t seem like it’s... very permanent.  Maybe a year or two max.  He’s a New Yorker and I’m Californian.  He just don’t 100% get me, which is fine.  But I’m also looking for stability and comfort long term and that’s just something I don’t really see in him, honestly speaking.

J and I met on Tinder, strangely enough.  I was at an oncampus bar, bored and lonely while some friends talked about things that escape me.  He looked familiar so I swiped right, and we ended up matching (which honestly was not a surprise considering my match rate, to be honest).  We started chatting and I distinctly remember wishing he would invite me over, just because I was feeling so lonely and wanted some cuddles.  Eventually I drunkenly stumbled home, fed myself leftover spicy Chinese food, and fell asleep, clutching onto my stuffed panda instead.

When we first met, I got too nervous and chugged a few drinks before he even showed up, but I felt awkward and the conversation just seemed... tense.  Our mutual friends came over and I basically forced them to hang out with us.  I remember texting Queenie that we met, and I just wanted to be friends, the end.  I fell asleep feeling lonely but confused (and yet somewhat satisfied) that I didn’t actually do anything with you. 

The past few months afterwards were, at first, confusing and terribly awkward, but I look back and find everything so endearing.  I basically made you skype me after I was having a bad day that one time, and I think after that i had a feeling that you were going to be an important person in my life.  I don’t exactly remember what I was so angry about and what you said, but you were just so... comforting.  When I finally got back home you invited me to lunch, and what followed were frequent, friendly interactions.  I felt so happy around you, in a very platonic sense, and felt drawn to you, but I wasn’t going to say anything until I was moving.  Well, that was the plan at least.

Sometime while I was rolling around on your bed last week, I mentioned my made up list of things I wanted in a guy, which were (for future reference):

1. at least mildly attractive (subject to interpretation)

2. eats/can cook delicious food, especially spicy Asian noms

3. some kind of an emotional range that can empathize with my feels, but also has dealt with dumb life shit before (basically messy like me but also like can deal with life's bullshit)

4. fun but has hobbies other than like partying (artsy stuff is a bonus)

5. not sexually suppressed/has at least some experience

6. can take care of me

7. doing something with their lives (like jobs or school, but also motivated to do stuff)

You then jokingly mentioned that you pretty much applied to all of those things, and I think that’s when I realized I was fucked and how into you I actually was.

And since then, even though you’re so fucking far away this week, I’m... way into you.  I don’t know how to feel about it.

Actually, I do.  I think we both still have some growing up to do, and I don’t think it’ll be healthy to do that together if I’m moving so far away.  My ultimate hope is that we grow independently, maybe see other people for a bit.  Figure ourselves out a little and work on ourselves.

Someone once called me a stray, lonely cat who liked adventure too much. I’m hoping that one day, maybe, possibly, you can be my home.

[brokendownfantasies]

I'm incapable of liking anyone who reminds me of piano-playing, skateboarding, Korean pre-med photographer because he broke me in ways I can’t explain.

But I’m strangely attracted to this guy from camp solely because he reminds me of the stupid boy.  It scares me how similar they are, but I’m not all that interested in him as a whole. 

I think part of me is still clinging on how wonderful it would’ve been to have been with the boy from Philly, and reflecting it on other people’s actions.  Which isn’t fair, but their eerie similarities really get to me.  I’m not gonna fall for this random either, I’m not even crushing on him, it’s just strange how muddled these feelings are.

Also his tumblr layout is atrocious. 

[brokendownfantasies]

This is the kind of night that I wanna come home to you.  I had a long day of work, it’s a breezy summer night, and one of my tutoring kids had a cat so I’m sniffly.

You would feed me food (presumably from your work, lol), then we would cuddle on your comfy af bed and Netflix.  Just lie there, ignoring our life responsibilities and enjoy each other’s company.  We would share some dumb stories about our childhood or college lives, and I would accidentally dominate the conversation but still let you talk.  Interrupt me if you have to.  Then I would fall asleep in your arms, comforted by your warmth and presence and actually looking forward to waking up in the morning next to you.

Instead, I have to crank through a fuckton of review material while you’re halfway across the world. 

But I’m wearing your shirt under my favorite purple hoodie, so I guess that’s close enough.

[brokendownfantasies]

Don't you dare look back, just keep your eyes on me

It all started with a drunken exchange at a college club.

To be honest, I don’t remember seeing you, but that’s mostly because I met at least over 30 people that weekend who immediately added me on Facebook.  You claim that we talked about how I went to Penn and were impressed, and you thought I was cute (and Vietnamese apparently wtf).  I was the one who led us to Taco Bell and that’s one of your favorites, so I take credit for that.

Fast forward 7 months later, and I was bored waiting for my turn at a ghetto clinic.  The old af admin on the Asian American Greeks page asked us to post our crossing info, and, as I told Queenie, I thought “well I’m not above this” and posted.  Soon after you did, and I chuckled at your nickname and messaged you cause, well, I was bored.  I didn’t expect the conversation to continue for almost a month.  Then we realized that our time in NYC overlapped, so hey we should meet up.  In my half awake state, I admitted that I thought you were cute and wanted to make out with you.  You awkwardly were mildly okay with it, but we quickly moved on from the conversation.

When you picked me up from the subway station, I was... nervous to say the least.  It’s not that I haven’t met internet friends in real life before, but something about the air is different when you already know so much about the other person but not so much about their voice and real life mannerisms.  I asked Dale about you and he said that you were rather thirsty, so I took that into consideration as I thought about how I would get you to make out and fall asleep next to me.

The evening started out hilariously, and it probably didn’t show on my face but I was laughing so hard.  This kind of ridiculousness only happens in movies, or, you know, my life.  I ended up drinking too much because I was nervous and you made a move, or rather expanded upon the move I made earlier in the week.  I was too drunk to fully remember everything, but I do remember you comforting me and telling me you weren’t going to leave me just after this night (although I was still skeptical anyways because of my past).

I didn’t expect to sleep with you, but hey, I guess that was also bound to happen.  I taught you a few tricks and enjoyed most of it.  What struck me the most was that you weren’t overly... touchy.  You kept your space somewhat but enough to still have a comforting presence to me.  You would hold hands with me in public without making a big deal out of it.  Instead of going for a third round, we spent 30 minutes trying to find parking for you, only to just cuddle and hide out from the rain, and laugh a lot more.  I felt... warm for the first time in awhile.

I’m not sure if I feel secure around you yet, but that’s okay since this is still the beginning.  Something nags me and thinks that you’re going to leave me first, which hurts me a little more and more each day.   But fuck it, let’s see where this goes.

I never really ever know what to say When all of my emotions get in the way I'm just trying to get us on the same page...

[brokendownfantasies]

this is a serious question how do you get a boy to like you when theres always someone better like why would anyone ever pick a raisin out of a bowl of chocolate chips this is literally my biggest concern in life i am a raisin 

[brokendownfantasies]

(Again, I wrote this a week ago. whoops)

Taking care of others comes naturally to me.  I genuinely enjoy it, and I don’t mind putting others over me.  It came to a point where my therapist had to sit me down and remind me to take care of myself the same way I take care of others.  Accepting my faults and growing from it has been one of the hardest parts of growing up.  I used to just treat myself like shit and be okay with the consequences, even if it meant others would forget about my wellbeing.  I’m still working on being okay with my flaws, but I’m getting there.

I don’t remember when I stopped letting my parents help me with my homework and (perhaps more importantly) my emotional wellbeing.  I hate seeing the hurt in their eyes so I would just lock myself up in my bathroom or closet or lie on my bed at odd hours of the night and cry.  I took up writing sappy journal entries just to express my feelings.  I only let people take care of me if something tragic happened, but even then I would usually just say “I’m okay!”, smile and brush it off.  Opening up to people was so fucking difficult when they didn’t know the right thing to say, so I only really told my therapist what was going on.  Even then I was very selective on what I told her.

He was the first person that I let take care of me in recent memory.  I remember that night I was probably at one of my all time lows, and just found myself bawling my eyes out.  He listened and checked up on me.  And perhaps that’s all I really needed.  

What happened next is too convoluted for me to remember completely.  I fell for him, hard, and then backed out.  Over and over and over again.  I was scared of long distance, of getting attached to someone with such a minimal emotional range, being with someone I wasn’t sure how to take care of.  I was tempted by other people right in front of me.  Lots of long nights just arguing and talking and crying.  At some point last month I realized that I couldn’t take the pain anymore, and cut off my emotions.  I knew that my plan to live with him for a month wasn’t going to work anymore.  

Despite all of the pain, tears, and convoluted emotions... I still love him.  I don’t know how to explain it.  Seeing him is going to be confusing as hell and I still don’t know how much I want to see him this time around in the Windy City, but I guess we’ll have to see.  

I am genuinely sorry, from the bottom of my heart, for hurting you and treating you as I did.  I know you don’t believe it, but... I don’t really know what else to say.  I’m sorry that I don’t have my shit together and I run away when things get too hard.  I hope you know that I still tried my hardest, but I just couldn’t do it.  I’m so sorry.