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How The Nightmare Started

Continuation…

I had previously mentioned that one of the possible side effects of Lupron is depression, and I had that side effect. The most relevant symptoms I remember from then were irritability, and feelings of emptiness. In addition to being highly sensitive, this costed me normal relationships as a kid.

I can’t explain this yet, but I also remember going through the psychological changes of puberty before 12, even though my body’s development had stopped.

Been so irritable and sensitive made me hyper-sensitive and vigilant towards everyone. From then on, even the teacher’s moral support for me diminished, and I became victim of bullying everywhere I went.

At home, I was not enough because if my weight. At school I was not likable because of how irritable, vigilant and love thirsty I was. At the ballet classes I was not enough because I wasn’t super skinny and fit. And this went on for years.

I’m not out of fault here, I was going through a really hard time without knowing what was actually happening to me or having any compassion for the symptoms I was exhibiting, but my actions in response to it hurt people around me. My irritability hurt people that meant to care for me.

Trigger Warning ⚠️

Pain had built up for a long time, and I was ready to brake. Not even my parents understood my behavior, and I remember starting to hate my mom because she would make me feel so unheard when I was screaming for her attention and love, a kinder and softer kind of love that I needed.

I turned to an online video game to cope, and I found people from all over the world that were ready to pay attention. I found people that promised me that softer kind of love that I was craving, and I decided to give in to it as if it was everything that I had. I met people so much older than me and engaged on inappropriate situations to feel loved. Sexting, and exchanging images of my body in exchange for what I couldn’t get anywhere else in my present life. This new way of getting what I needed changed my life forever…

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How The Nightmare Started

Everything started before I can remember. My dad used to tell me that I used to eat so much when I was a baby, always so happy about food. He’d say that I would go to the fridge and pick up my own snacks from a small age. He was always worried that I would get sick or that I had an issue, so I went to doctors often as a kid.

One day, I got sent to a pediatric endocrinologist and finally got a diagnosis, Central Precocious Puberty. One of the causes discussed for this diagnosis is a tumor in the pituitary. No one could found any tumors, but they decided to treat anyway in hopes of a better mental state against an early puberty.

So they halt my puberty until I reached 12 using Lupron (from 8-12 years old). My parents could barely afford the drug, but they were concerned with my hight and getting my period, along with the psychological changes.

Trigger warning ⚠️

My doctor was the only option because there were only 2 specialist available for this treatment in the country, and he did not advice of the side effects of the drug he recommended. Looking back at it, I’m not sure he knew at all or he cared.

Some of the side effects for the drug are gaining weight (also, only identified possible long term side effect by one of the three studies made for treating early puberty with Lupron), depression, irritability on injection site and other minor things.

So I went to this doctor around twice a year for an injection and here is were my nightmare started.

I remember going to this consult with my two parents and listening to the doctor talk about how I was overweight and I had to loose weight to be healthy. Every-time he would blame my parents in front of me while the nurse applied the painful injection with a facial expression of disgust. I would hear the doctor say things like, -“she has to eat whenever you have her eat and whatever you decide, no options”-, -“force her to eat at lunch time, and if she throws it up, let her eat what she vomited”- and so on. I remember my parents silently receiving all this anger and abuse from this doctor, trusting that he temper was not a sign of his professionalism. -“This is supposed to be a top doctor in our country”- my mom thought. We must be the ones doing something wrong as parents.

As a result, I was not allowed to leave the table until a finished my plate, was on diets and eating regimes since the age of 8, and was always remembered of how I should wanna be. My self-esteem shattered, I was never gonna be enough if I wasn’t in a “desirable weight”.

By the time I was 10, it wasn’t only my parents, my sibling and my uncles as well. I was questioned every time I said I was hungry, not listened to, I remember instances were they would chain the fridge and only leave water outside to “control what I ate”.

They were so scared that I was gonna get sick, that they started perpetuating the sickness.

I grew up and didn’t questioned what had happened to me until 2020, when the pandemic hit and I had so much time to figure out were it all started. I’m not the only case about Lupron’s undetermined long term side effects, but that in addition to so much abuse around food…

…It broke me…

To be continued…

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Hello!

I’m Jenny and I will be voicing out my story here. I have just been ditched by my therapist, and I can’t find any other resources, so I thought maybe someone else would be interested in the story.

I’m a 22 years old highly sensitive person, and this blog is the story of how I got broken, and my hope to repair and find new meaning to living.

Disclosure: to maintain the content of the story as true to real life as possible, names of people and places will change. Jenny will write mostly from an emotional point of view. This is the story of an individual, and it is not meant for generalization.