brownbbyem

[brownbbyem]

Rock bottom

I’m here again

The tile beneath my feat

Cold to the touch

Cause my skin is red hot

My feelings and thoughts make my blood boil.

Fear courses through my body

Tears stream down my face

internally burning this memory into my brain

Every drop as loud as my heart beat

This floor holds worse stains then my sorrows

It holds sins I couldn’t even begin to fathom.

I hate it for the trauma I’ve endeared on it but I love it for the way I can let it all out and it doesn’t have anything to say, it can’t judge me, but it also can’t say anything to me for judging myself. It doesn’t make me feel anything. For a moment I can forgot even I exist.

[brownbbyem]

Can you feel our love in your soul

How about the love in mine

Radiating out of me and straight

Into you like a ray of

Sunshine beaming through

Time and space just for you

I

Am

Never letting go of you.

[brownbbyem]

The house I grew up in

It was never friends forever

A picked white fence

Or Sunday dinners

More so houses but never homes

Swallowing me whole just to spit me out again

Into another town

My mother ran for the hills but never made it up steps

Maybe it isn’t her fault

should they have built ramps

You can’t move out of a house that follows you

Completely different from the outside but the same bad things running through them like a nightmare invading my dreams.

You can put a bandaid on but the wound is still fresh underneath

It’ll “heal” but the scar will never leave.

It haunts me like a ghost in a graveyard

[brownbbyem]

Free trial

You think when someone see’s a monster they’d run but I’m not the kind that scares people off. Instead when they learn who I really am they resent me. I think they hold on because they love the person they originally met. It’s still the same me just more complex. No one ever wants to pay for the full experience. They just like the free trial.

[brownbbyem]

I love you.

every time we’re in the same room I cant breath. I swallow but it’s too dry to speak. I open my mouth to reply but I’m met with silence as I gulp down the lump in my throat. I fight back tears forming in my eyes. While I try to adjust my tone so you can’t hear the pain in it… would you even notice? Would you even care? You talk about walking on egg shells as you scatter them up and down the hallway and each time I need a glass of water I feel the weight of every crunch beneath my feet. I always imagined an invisible string holding us together but after time I see your side is slowly fraying. How do I cut a string without falling off a cliff I’m already dangling over. How did I fall asleep in bed with you but wake up alone to a nightmare in the living room. I gasp for air and flail my arms trying not to drown in a bathtub of emotions but no one hears , no one sees cause just like that little girl they’re locked tight behind a bathroom door. I see it you know. I feel it too.

it’s in your eyes,

Your tone,

Your words,

Your expression,

It shows it the way you touch me, and the way you don’t.

Do I blame you?

you resent me.

[brownbbyem]

Supernatural phenomenon.

Life is a vampire

Sucking the life out of me, good to the last drop.

It drains me.

Taking everything I have.

Now I’m a zombie.

My brain is corroded like a Duracell battery.

Functioning off of pure toxicity.

Except some how I’m the one being eaten alive.

There’s no escape. I’m literally dead inside

This is my reality.

Invisible.

You see right through me.

I speak but no one listens.

I love but no one feels it.

I scream for help but no one hears me.

I glow with beauty but no one stares in awe.

I function but no one recognizes me.

I do all of these things but I’m never seen.

I think physically I’m on earth but my spirit is a ghost.

How can you look straight through me?

A hollow tree.

Termites infecting me.

Holes in my memory.

I’m dying from the inside out.

Save me.

[brownbbyem]

Breath.

Saying goodbye was never easy

This time it was like fresh air

I live in peace now.

[brownbbyem]

Sunshine.

I am pure sunshine

But not in the way it kisses your skin

Or shines bright to lighten up your day.

More in the way it isn’t admired or appreciated when it’s around but instead you notice when it’s gone.

You stand in the shadows to get away from it not realizing it created them for you.

You point at the moon and talk about how wonderful it is but never speak about the sun that way.

I am one with the sun.

I bring light into the room and help you grow like plants.

Going unnoticed and under appreciated.

Giving everything it has selflessly.

It doesn’t care that it burns from within a hell fire of feelings. Destroying its self from the inside out but carrying itself so beautifully. No one would ever notice. Instead it focuses on the way it makes you feel and always gives whatever it can to make sure you have what you need.

But you never notice the sun, you never notice me.

[brownbbyem]

Eternally,

My only goal

Is to have it known I

Love

You endlessly.

[brownbbyem]

Day dreaming of you

As I go through life waiting till

I can

Sing lullabies

You’re everything without even existing.

[brownbbyem]

Goodbye to self harm.

Like any addiction I will crave you in hard times. You were my gateway drug. Anything to escape. Next was nicotine, drugs, then alcohol. But you are by far the most addicting. You felt so good but I am the only one who can’t see you have been destroying me. Anything to not be in the moment. You used to feel so good. Looking back I realize it feels like shit to see all the chaos you caused me. You have stolen so much from me; my strength, dignity, safety, and stability. You have shown me how to be impulsive and careless about my future, a future I do care about. To isolate and procrastinate. Bad habits. You have been my own personal addiction. Making me promises of safety and comfort you could not keep. Stunting my growth. All I have truly gained from you is more problems. Blank spaces in my memory. Driving me literally crazy in the long run. You played with me like a puppet you just couldn’t put down. I would be lying if I sat here and blamed it all on you. It isn’t all your fault. I gave in many times and kept you alive. Like oxygen to a wildfire all you bring is sorrow and agony. I neglected so much by befriending you. My self worth, self care, relationships, forgiveness, and healing journeys. Even now I am stuck in your grasp. I do thank you and am very aware of all the times you saved me from death, especially at my own hands but even then that was only after you pushed me to that point. You’re a hypocrite. You want me to keep you around to save myself from hard or hurtful situations but then you put me in even worse ones and delay my ability to get through anything. Once I found you I thought I’d always need you but you were only ever an excuse to my poor decisions. A way out of my reality. Thank you for protecting me from myself and others at times I couldn’t but I am a big girl now and I have been fighting your flames for too long. It’s time to put you out. I am ready to take back my life. I’m ready to stand up to things without your help, starting with you. I’ll drown if I hold onto you any longer. It’s high tide. I’ve learned I need to let go of destructive relationships and you’re a hurricane. My very own natural disaster. I feel guilty replacing you but everyone has to retire at some point and you’ve served your purposes. Now it’s time I find mine. It’s time I say goodbye. No more “easy way out.” The sun is out it’s time I regrow my roots. Goodbye.

[brownbbyem]

Truth and Anger.

I HATE it when people act like I’m playing the victim in situations where I am actually a victim.

I’m FURIOUS about my childhood being damaged and taken by the people who were supposed to protect it and me. I had to grow up faster and act like an adult when they couldn’t even do that.

I’m FED UP with people trying to control me. With having to be a parent to the parents. With having to fight for and against everything in my life. Like being financially stable, mentally stable, having stable relationships, and myself.

I’m TIRED of feeling alone and unworthy of good things.

I RESENT my parents for not doing better by me. My sexual abusers for taking away special memories and damaging my mind, heart, body, and soul.

It HURTS me when I think about where I am compared to where I wanna be. I think of everything I have been through and how it still affects me to this day.

I feel AWFUL when I think about the fact that I may have unintentionally caused others trauma of their own while trying to heal from mine.

I feel HURT every time I think about my symptoms and how they may get easier but they will never fully go away. I will always be at war. My mental illness is the one thing that will always be by my side.

I am DISAPPOINTED in myself for not completing college, for not having money to show for my work up to this point or even being financially stable, for putting up with things I shouldn’t have in the past, for making stupid decisions and getting myself into bad situations.

I am DISAPPOINTED in my parents for not growing up and being parents when I needed them to be.

I am DISAPPOINTED in my mom for becoming everything she said she never wanted to or would be, for doing unforgivable things and not believing me when I told her about others doing so.

I am DISAPPOINTED in my dad for saying unforgivable things.

I feel SAD that I didn’t grow up with my dad. That I never really had a mother/ daughter relationship and I grief her when she isn’t dead. That my childhood was stolen from me and now it feels like my youth is being stolen too. That I am so engulfed in responsibilities I did not create, that it constantly puts a toll on me.

SAD and GUILTY that I feel this way.

I’m SAD because I’m SAD.

I need to PROTECT myself from myself. I feel I am my biggest critic, enemy, and abuser. Myself from destructive relationships. From people who don’t have my best interest at heart. From people who take advantage of me and everything I do. From ending up in situations that feel like Deja vu.

YOU MAY NOT

YOU MAY NOT

• tell me my feelings are wrong, invalid, or unworthy.

• belittle or degrade me.

• say bad things to or about me out of anger.

• walk all over me.

• use or abuse me.

• have me as a back up or an option.

• treat me like I am replaceable.

• give me ultimatums.

• tell me when, where, or how to live my life.

• expect me to respect you if you do not respect me no matter who you are.

• ignore my no’s or body language.

• have my body as if it is yours without my consent.

• take advantage of me.

•call me your daughter, family, friend, or girlfriend if you’re not a parent, family member, friend, or boyfriend/ girlfriend to me.

•expect forgiveness if you’re not even sorry.

•call me names or out of my name.

I WANT a good long life. To be happy, healthy, humble, resilient, wealthy, and worthy. Be cared for the way I care for others. Loved unconditionally. To have kids and be able to take care of them better than anyone has ever been taken care of before. To have all the willingness, power, and skills to be mindful, forgive others, and radically accept. To never give up. To always fight for what I love. Always have love to give. To make an impact on people. To be loved, respected, missed, and remembered. To be wanted. To live with intention.

I have LEARNED I can’t always be in control especially not of others. Not even always of things that happen to me. Radical acceptance is my best bet at a life worth living. I cannot be apologetic for others actions, and apparently I am very disappointed.

I HOPE that I remain selfless but no longer to the extent that I endanger myself or forget my worth. Others realize my efforts, growth, and worth. That my abusers no longer abuse others. That justice will come to them.

I PLAN to progressively set boundaries. Always use my resources and skills. Make others blatantly aware of what I will not tolerate.

I am PROUD of myself for being able to let it all out. Establishing my ground. Setting goals, hopes, dreams, and boundaries. Coming to the understanding that I don’t have to isolate but it is okay to be alone. I will be okay.

I CHOOSE to forgive, let go, and radically accept. To no longer be a prisoner of suffering and let others have control over me like they so desperately needed they did unthinkable things to get it.

I CHOOSE me. Always over everything and everyone.

I CHOOSE my needs, my dreams, and my health.

I CHOOSE to remember who I am.

I THANK my willingness to heal and grow. My bravery to fight long and hard against myself and others who hurt me.

I THANK the strong adults who stepped up and got me through in whatever ways they could.

I FORGIVE others for all the times they didn’t choose me. For the mistakes they’ve made. For letting anger control their words and actions. For giving up on me when times got hard. For never taking my feelings seriously.

I FORGIVE you dad for not being there all the times I needed you too. For choosing substances over your kids; for blaming others. For putting and leaving us in unsafe situations. For not giving me the childhood I deserved.

I FORGIVE you mom for the physical, emotional, and mental abuse you put us through. For always choosing men over us. For trusting them with us. For not fighting for me in situations where I couldn’t fight for myself, or to have me in your life. For not making me feel heard, seen, understood, loved, wanted, and valued. For making me feel like I wasn’t enough. For not taking care of me or teaching me to take care of myself.

I FORGIVE all of you for the apologies I never received.

I FORGIVE myself for not knowing my worth. For giving in when it felt like that was all there was left to do.

[brownbbyem]

Blank.

The paper

The walls

My brain

My future

Everything I know is blank as can be but that’s the beauty I so desperately longed for, for now I can fulfill my every desire.

[brownbbyem]

Almost.

Engraved in my brain are thoughts that never became,

Your name circling like a whirling wind

Yet somehow never dimming my flame,

Anything real; it’s what I crave

My fire burned from within, a small glow

The deep tone of your voice making my embers burn brighter, it plays in my head like a jazz song on a cold night in New Orleans

Sitting on the tip of my tongue, these thoughts,

But I wish it were you

Cause a kiss could save me from every doubt I have.

[brownbbyem]

No cure.

My mind is like a trash can waiting to be emptied from the garbage it consumed unwillingly. I wait patiently but each time I feel the weights being lifted another item is added. I compare to all these things but not a single is truly fitting. I feel myself constantly fighting to breathe like an air vent with years of dust that’s never been cleaned. No matter how many similarities I find there’s just no way to describe the density of pollution. My mental capacity can never amount to the space I need for the war I’m constantly fighting. Pure static running through every memory. Like a shortage in my brain making more space for the negativity. It eats alive at me like a cockroach nesting in captivity. Practically unkillable. The more I try to poison it the stronger it gets causing me to be weaker from the fumes and it’s incessant nagging. How can I be so sure I’ll find a cure when the disease is me.