bryanhasanswers

[bryanhasanswers]

Bryan Fury here - I was horrified and deeply insulted to see this old post got no reactions. So I’m re-blogging it. Either it was buried in a flurry of other posts - or - there are WAY more Paul Phoenix fans out there than I expected. I’m puttin’ my money on “post flurry.” Now back to beatin’ up people...

Fury’s Hot Takes: Paul Phoenix

Okay - Tekken fangirls and fanboys ( or do the kids all say “boiz” now - whatever)… Let’s get right down to it. 

Take a good hard look at the image below… Yeah - that one, right there. Nope - you’re not done - linger a few more seconds than you’re comfortable with.

Now ask yourself: “Is THAT that’s the best they can do?! Try as they might - no one can make this moron look cool or even mildly interesting.

We’re talking about Paul Phoenix and wondering aloud - is there ANYTHING about this star-spangled goof-ball that is even remotely appealing?? 

I could save you a lot of time and just say: “No.” But let’s break it down.

We can start with the elephant in the room and just go straight to the hair. I don’t know exactly how much “product” this douche uses to make it stand up like that, but it has to be on par with everyone’s favorite fancy lad, Lars.

All I know is that if you needed to defeat Paul Phoenix in battle fast - just flick a match into that mess on the top of his head and it’ll go up like a fuckin’ roman candle. And when it does it, would literally be visible from the international space station.

But it’s the contrast that makes it so perfect - lemme explain what I mean kids. When you look at Paul - he has this sullen and slightly confused expression, permanently fixed to his doughy face. But his hair stands straight up in cartoon-ish alarm. Like he was on an episode of Scooby-fuckin’- doo and saw a ghost.

So combine the glum and confused mug - with the standing straight up doo and you got Paul shuffling around in a perpetual state of what looks like “dull surprise.” Which - is kinda accurate.

Dull surprise… our boy’s one size fits all emotion for every occasion.

While I’m sure you all know plenty about ME(Bryan Fury - you know the guy that’s writing all this!) - you’ll also know I go back a few years. That’s a nice way of saying I’m OLD. I remember some of the early renderings of Paul from back in the 80s and 90s. 

Back then, his “people” were trying to play him off as some kind of punk rock dude. He was a lot skinnier and still looked like a dork - that is his most timeless quality - but at least handlers were trying to do something with him. 

Now - they’ve beefed him up and stuck a beard on him and drapped flags all over his ass, until he’s he’s just a star-spangled freakin’ mess. Maybe they’re hoping he can do a guest spot as a celebrity announcer at some monster truck rally in Saskatoon.

He really should be working on his fighting style because - news flash - that sucks too.

[Get used to this kind of thing happening a lot Paul…]

Okay - I’ll give him this much credit - Paul Phoenix has this spiffy little fire-punch thing he does. But it takes him so damn long wind that shit up, that he gets clobbered before he can deliver the goods. He’d probably be really good at interrogating some poor slob that’s tied to a chair - but in a straight up fight - TOO SLOW. 

Maybe he could wipe the floor with Xio’s disturbing as fuck - pet panda (more on that pervy-ass thing in another post) or Lili’s dainty, old as the hills butler - what’sisname… But even then - that old dude’s still breathing - sooo, it’s really anybody’s guess who would win that snooze-fest of a battle.

[Actual picture of Paul trying to think - it’s kind of unsettling when he does that…]

Finally, I shall (mercifully) end this entry with a quick comment about Paul’s mental capacity. In short - I think he’s been hit in the head WAY too much to be effective. 

I’ve got a brown recluse spider that lives above my sink (her name’s Rosie and she’s beautiful) but the point is - Rosie can problem solve and and apply tactics much more rapidly and effectively than Paul could ever hope to achieve. 

He just barely fulfills the requirements for basic, linear thought. 

Case in point - at the last Tekken tournament, I ran into him in the ready room. 

Phoenix was focused like a laser on his phone. He was wagglin’ his big eraser shaped head - scowlin’ and mutterin’ away. I watched as he jabbed his big stubby fingers on the screen, and swiped at shit. Then he inexplicably held it flat in the palm of his hand and held it over his head for a moment… just sort of… waiting. Of course, nothing happened. Then he’d shake his head and start jabbin’ and swipin again.

After watching this sad little scene for a few minutes, I finally thought I’d help the the poor slob (Hey - I’m not ALL bad). So, I went over and asked him what the fuck he was doing. 

Turned out this genius wanted to get some aerial pics of the tournament and was putting his phone into (I shit you not) “airplane mode” so it would… fly. 

Classic Paul - you can’t make this kind of crap up.

I considered humanely euthanizing  him right then and there - but instead - I patted him on the shoulder and told him he was real close and to keep trying then, just walked away.

So that’s the hot take on Phoenix. When you see me beating his ass in the tournament - don’t feel too bad. He doesn’t really feel it - his nervous system isn’t advanced enough.

[bryanhasanswers]

Morning-ish Part IV

So you want part’s one, two and three? You wanna see those first? Smart thinking kid. Well then, you gotta go: 

here for part I

here for part II

here for part III

Or maybe you DON’T want to read the first chapters? You just want to swing right into the middle of the jungle? Fine with me, Tarzan.

-------------------------------

I was gone - Bryan Fury didn’t exist.

Nothing clicking no sparks. The ONLY thing keepin’ me connected to this shitty-ass world was the data stream from my cybernetic suite, informing me on my recovery status. So far the news had been pretty bad. I’d lost several liters of blood. There was kidney damage.... punctured lung... lacerated liver...

Shit! Not my LIVER - I need that fucker.

My brain had even been put into an artificially induced coma while the nano bots in my blood stream scurried around to the hotspots trying to rebuild all the destruction.

Seriously - is there ANY good news here?? Whoa, wait - did I just... think that?! I did! Hey - look at me - I’m thinkin’ again! I... I’m back... But then - why don’t I see anyth - 

The next sensation was...

Is that - booze? Yeah - an’ it smells like... vodka. But I can’t uh... see.

I didn’t know if my eyes were open or closed - if I was sitting or standing or lying down or what. It was a weird and pretty fucked up feeling. I started to panic a little and had to get a grip.

Keep it together BF... You can smell the vodka, right? Right?? Okay, then just focus on the booze... you’re good at that.

I put all my attention into the sense of smell. I tried to identify everything about it.

It’s cheap shit... plastic bottle. Reminds me of my college days... what was that shit we used to drink? Oh - yeah! I know what that is - it’s...

“....FF-ffffucking Popov VODKA!”

The thoughts exploded out of my lungs as words, and I HEARD them! Then out of the darkness, came another voice. It was a woman and she sounded almost as excited as I was.

“Mr E! Mr E!! He’s alive! He just spoke! He spoke!”

Like a high-tech chain reaction, my systems had been coming back on line. First my thoughts as the coma was reversed, then the sense of smell - then hearing and now... I could see wireframe images taking shape all around me. 

The room was being mapped with a bright green grid...

Low ceiling, pipes and shit - narrow stairs - some look broken... I’m lying on the floor, in a... a basement?

The wireframe was snapped to and mapped the person next to me who was shouting to “Dr. E.” 

That’s the chick who’s been shouting - She’s looking at the stairs... Are we in the basement of the book store? There’s a bottle next to her - that explains the booze smell - and bandages and other medical shit. She’s trying to help!

“Dr E! He’s awake! Awake!! Please hurry! Dr. E!” 

I could hear her voice was quickly slipping from excitement to fear. I turned in her direction and tried to smile. It didn’t have quite the effect i was hoping for.

“DOCTOR EBENEEZER! WHERE ARE YOU?! HELP! OH GOD, HE’S GETTING UP I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO...DO?!!!”

She tripped, fell back on her butt and I saw her featureless, texture-less wire frame form slide at warp speed backwards across the floor until she hit a shelf against the far wall. Some shit fell off and bounced on the ground around her.

Also - she was right! I was I was sitting up - fuckin’ nanobots RULE! 

But I needed to calm my mysterious benefactor down. I knew I must look pretty goddamn scary and the kid was starting to completely lose her shit.

“Omygodomygodomygodomygod - please don’t hurt me!”

I concentrated for a few seconds and then - the details popped in - I had color... texture...I could SEE - but now I needed to fucking speak. I could see my caretaker scramblin’ sideways along the wall like a startled fiddler crab knockin’ books and stools and junk all over the place until she slammed to an abrupt halt in the far corner of the room.

“H-Hhey - kid - shuddup, relax and lissen to me for a second...”

When I spoke it sort of had a mixed affect. At least her shouting stopped, which was a nice change, but she was frozen still as a statue sitting rigid against the damp clay tile of the old basement wall, staring at me with huge frightened eyes. I noticed the color immediately - hazel. 

The kid was pretty too. Dark brown hair, with faint freckles across the nose. She had those little adorable dimples you get from smiling a lot. She was wearing old, ripped jeans with cute little glam patches and glittery bull-shit on ‘em. and a baggy white sweatshirt that had three blue apples arranged in a triangle on the front. Yeah - that’s right - in just a fraction of a second, I could see all that. I could tell that this was a nice, goodhearted kid. It made me consider how this all must look to her...

You were probably helping out the weird old guy at the bookstore on weekends for beer money and now you’re face to face with a zombie, cyborg assassin, freak-show who has been shot a billion and six times and is now somehow sitting up and staring right at you.

My normal M.O. is to be the monster truck that drives mindless terror deep into the heart of my targets, just before I literally beat their brains out. 

I’m SUPER good at that. 

What I’m NOT super good at, is getting people to feel relaxed and comfortable around me. I’m not exactly and affable guy. I don’t know all the right shit to say in every situation - so I just went with the stupid ol’ truth.

“Kid - I know you were trying to help me. So cool your shit - you’re going to be okay.”

She continued to stare at me with those big, frightened hazel eyes. Shaking a little bit, and staying real silent. I kept trying to reach her.

“Look - I get it... this is an unusual situation. You’re scared. So... I’ll say it again nice and slow...so it sinks in. You... are... going... to... be... okay. And that’s a really big deal coming from me, because - I pretty much never say that. Now what’s your fu- ah what’s your name?”

She seemed to relax and her breathing got a little deeper and less rapid. Then she spoke - in a pretty goddamn steady voice too.

“Penny - I’m... I mean - you can call me Penny.”

[bryanhasanswers]

Whats that computer system for? The one with a blue face for an interface?

Yeah - back in the day it was called the “Blue Screen of Death.” You got blue-screen and that meant you were done for the day. Not sure what the hell you’re talkin’ about anon.

[bryanhasanswers]

What's your favorite part on a woman's body?

Alright - I’ll answer this straight up. My favorite part of a woman’s body has got to be the eyes. I mean - hey - I’m not blind to the obvious stuff - but when you need to split hairs to identify what is really special - it’s the eyes. That tells you everything you need to know. I can get lost in a pair of eyes for hours...

Okay enough of this sissy talk!

[bryanhasanswers]

Sick of dumb people on their smart phones? Join my organization, Citizens Raging Against Phones today!

Great - as if there isn't enough dumb shit for us all to be mad about...

[bryanhasanswers]

I tied an onion to my belt which was the style at the time.

Spoken like a true Simpson - Abe.

[bryanhasanswers]

Have you ever encountered an alternate reality version of yourself?

No - and you BETTER not be cookin' up any crazy time bendin' mind warp crap either.

[bryanhasanswers]

Are you an Insane Clown Posse fan? I am down with the clown till I am dead in the ground!

No I am not. BUT I think it’s good to take a stand - so clown it up buddy.

[bryanhasanswers]

Why so serious?

It’s a defensive mechanism. If I’m all serious and shit - then people will think twice about asking personal questions that could make me blush or get all embarrassed.

[bryanhasanswers]

I'm not a monster, just ahead of the curve.

I’m not ahead of the curve, I AM the curve.

[bryanhasanswers]

I'm not a schemer. I try to show the schemers how pathetic their attempts to control things really are. If tomorrow I told the press that, like, a gang-banger will get shot, or a truck load of soldiers will be blown up, nobody panics, because it's all part of the plan. But when I say that one little old mayor will die... well, then everyone loses their minds! Introduce a little anarchy and everything become chaos! I am an agent of chaos.

You sound like a whole mess of trouble punk. 

[bryanhasanswers]

Oh yeah sure thats rich! That makes about as much sense as a screen door on a battleship!

You mean a submarine - right? Because that would make even less sense.

[bryanhasanswers]

Hey butthead! You caused 300 bucks damage to my car you son of a bitch and I am gonna take it outta your ass!

My ass is worth a thousand times more than your car punk - and if you so much as look at it - I’ll take a thousand bucks worth outta your hide! 

[bryanhasanswers]

"Hey, me. Do anything for Valentine's, or didja hang out with yer ole pal Jack Daniels?"

Hard to imagine a lovable guy like me - bein’ alone on Valentine’s day - but yeah... I guess I spent the day in my trailer polishing off a case of PBR an’ watching Rosie sit in her web suckin’ bugs dry.

Kind of restful actually. 

[bryanhasanswers]

My names Duke Nukem! I outta break a broom handle off in your ass!

Duke Nukem?? Seriously?! Is that old fossil still a thing? And remember that’s me saying this.

[bryanhasanswers]

Get to the choppa! Run!!!!!!!!!!

So is this a starter? Will we get to the choppa? Maybe - but I’m not running, I’ll be walking.

[bryanhasanswers]

Can you do a barrel roll?

I’m gonna put you in a barrel and roll it - punk.