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bucksupernova · 8 months ago

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post-mortem.

let me take you back to spring 2023 and season s6 of 9-1-1 for a moment. this is going to be the scenic route, but i promise i have a point. (and audhd.)

my cat, who was not only my companion for almost a decade, but also—idek how to explain it. i’m neurodivergent and physically disabled, and he accepted me more than any human i interacted with. anyway. my cat passed suddenly from acute kidney failure in the fall of 2022, and the prospect of a found family show that had quirky moments (for being a network procedural) and queer characters sounded like a balm for my aching heart.

i watched from the pilot to 6x09 in about three weeks. (then watched “there goes the neighborhood” multiple times, because there is no such thing as too much trash.)

i did not understand buck until 1x07, but then it all fell into place, and i did, and i adored him. i shipped buddie, sure, but i loved the show for the show and the found family of it all. to me, it was the gay firefighter show from day 1, because we had michael and hen and karen and a plethora of characters from calls, and then we had josh, and breadcrumbs leading to bi!buck, and i may be forgetting something (brain fog whomst)

ultimately, i just wanted stories in this universe that made sense, because i believed the characters i enjoyed deserved that.

i still do.

(more under the cut, because this is a long boi.)

and i ignored the stories that didn’t make sense, some that downright infuriated me and shook my faith in the show’s ability to tell stories that made sense, because the show did a great job with the stories that did make sense (imo the athena & tonya kingston line was the epitome of this).

so i made it to season 6.

i made it to “no, kid. if what matters to you the most is how other people see you, then you haven’t learned a damn thing”/“i was buck”/“and that’s enough?”/“i think it is”. and i thought: holy shit. this is—he’s finally on the right track.

& then a few weeks later, in a cemetery: “i feel like she sees me, you know? like she really sees me for who i am, and what i’ve been through.”

so for one, i think this is where my hope for canon buddie died, or at least this is where i started to detach from it in my mind. but even more than that: hwhat?

did—did buck’s realization in his coma dream literally four episodes before just…mean nothing? he died, and came back to life because being buck was enough, only to fall into the same patterns four episodes later?

look. i’ve been to church camp, and also work conferences. i know mountain top experiences exist. i lost the two beings i felt actually knew me, “sees me” best, as well as my livelihood and health, within not even three years of one another. i know grief and recovery are not linear. but to me, this would have been around the time they should’ve been shoring up buck’s newfound ethos in the story, not trying to dismantle it before it had even been fully realized in his waking life.

i watched through season 6, through the cancellation, through the picking up by abc. and i grieved at the end of season 6, when they decided to give buck and eddie girlfriends, both of whom they met on calls (which, canonically, makes them hypocrites), for the sake of a “happy ending” at what they saw was the end of the series—not because they didn’t end up together, but because of the amatonormativity of it all. The toxic “they won’t be happy unless they’re dating someone.”

it took me fully until february of the next year to be able to even read 9-1-1 fic again.

i wanted to give them a chance on abc. so i did.

and boy, was i rewarded—at least for a time—for my efforts. (though. can we really call them efforts? it’s watching a tv show)

but here i am, the morning after. the morning after the worst possible way to lose this story that gave me and so many other queer folks hope.

dare i say: i at least felt like the show really saw me, for who i am and what i’ve been through.

i felt like they finally saw buck, for who he is and what he’s been through.

i felt like they saw tommy, for who he is and what he’s been through.

i felt like they saw josh, for who he is and what he’s been through.

i felt like they saw us, for who we are and what we’ve been through.

and what did we get? in a sense, “death, death, death”.

look. i know buck is still bi. nothing can ch—

well. ackshually. the show can change that, and at this point, with how biphobic the breakup played out both on- and offscreen, i wouldn’t put it past them to fully turn this into a “phase” with their whole chest. don’t get me twisted: i don’t hope this happens, but i’m feeling pretty damn jaded right now. i trusted them to be good stewards of this queer storyline, and after last night, that trust is shattered into a million pieces, and if i turn it into a kintsugi project, it will likely be with fanworks, and not with future canon.

but. yes. buck is still bi. we still have hen and karen and josh and past episodes of michael and david. we still have calls featuring queer characters. this is still the gay firefighter show.

but it’s missing one gay firefighter in particular, and i don’t have words to describe just how tremendous a fumble they made with tommy kinard. (and with lou. but i’m talking about the story making sense, or not, within the show.)

tommy kinard was not someone i was fond of in chim begins, but he maybe grew on me at the end. i wasn’t impressed with him in hen begins, but it was clear by the end that he wasn’t completely useless. i loved his dynamic with chim and hen in bobby begins again, and thought it was neat that chim could call him up in broken. so when they brought him back, i thought, oh, neat!

it was like the reverse stages of grief to watch the fake mouth static and the shoulder clap in 7x03, then the sneak peak at harbor in 7x04, and then the 7x05 promo on youtube before i saw the episode because i was trying to avoid spoilers and got whammy’d anyway.

after 7x04, my hopes for buddie in canon were somewhat reignited, since at least half of them is canonically queer now, until i realized i was quite fond of tommy, and wanted to keep him for as long as they’d let me. he deserves more than to be a stepping stone. he’s interesting. he had potential! i didn’t know if they’d be endgame, but the care the entire show showed with the coming out storyline gave me reason to hope that, if they did break up, it would be done well. with love. with care.

tommy is a character a lot of people have judged to the point of unfairness since his return in season 7. to those folks, i say: did you grow up in a post-glee world, or a pre-glee world? did you see matthew shepard’s story on the news and end up gripped with a fear you couldn’t describe? did you grow up in a repressive and likely abusive home environment, in a repressive and abusive society, at least compared to, say, 2015? have you worked in repressive and abusive work environments for supervisors who remind you of your family of origin? have you had to lie in order to survive, to the point where you don’t know what’s actually you and what’s your coat of armor anymore? have you had to make the conscious choice over and over again to show up for yourself, because showing up for others is that much harder to do when you have no idea how to show up for yourself first? have you ever had to just get out even though you know that wherever you end up, you’ll still be there with the self you probably hate? have you ever felt like your world was ending, but you had to keep going, because you haven’t had a chance to live as yourself yet?

(am i describing tommy kinard, or am i describing myself. and i am not the only one. are we fools, because we claimed him with our whole hearts?)

and yet: tommy kinard shows the fuck up.

tommy kinard takes a fucking chance, even though he may get burned.

tommy kinard has read and internalized that mortifying ordeal of being known article. he’s human. he has moments where the fear swamps his desire to reap the rewards of being known. but he knows, ok? he knows.

which brings us to last night.

the breakup itself—because tommy gets scared when buck asks him to move in—was for the most part understandable, though the biphobia instantly soured it. it set up potential for buck to come back and say, y’know what? no. i know what i want. i want you. i want to work on this. with you. and maybe i moved too fast because i was excited. but i was excited about a future with you, tommy, not some hypothetical other person out there in the future. it’s you.

it set up potential for tommy, who, as we saw in season 7, is very intentional about things (but also sometimes impulsive), and puts effort into processing and understanding things (autistic king), to step back and evaluate his trauma response, and his impulse to fly once again, this time from something real and true and beautiful. the love he’s been looking for was within arm’s reach. someone wanted to work on it with him. because of him. because he is tommy. and that was enough.

that is what canon told us.

interviews are not canon, and yet those interviews were the ones to inform us that, despite what we just saw, this is likely the end of this beautiful, beautiful story of everyone finally having a chance to get what they want, dammit. & not just what buck and tommy have been looking for romantically, but the lost brother of it all for maddie and chimney. the tired gays solidarity for hen. the science bros dynamic for karen. the bros-bros dynamic for eddie. (not to mention this is another person who loved chris, but is leaving chris behind too.) the “he’s good people and he’s good for you” care for tommy that bobby has. & the potential for violent poultry shenanigans with athena. the pre-glee understanding he could share with josh.

(never mind the interviews done with lou were done by journalists who supported anti-tommy views and behaviors, and in one case, couldn’t even be arsed to spell tevan correctly.)

it’s such a fucking waste.

and then: they filmed 8x05 after this because they wanted it to hurt more.

let me rephrase: they crafted the end of this storyline to intentionally inflict maximum pain on their queer viewership, who liked tommy, loved tommy, felt kinship with tommy and his experiences.

they made tommy a bona fide curse-breaker, knowing he would be gone after the next time we saw him. you don’t mess with curse-breakers. you just don’t.

and not only was the how of the breakup biphobic in canon, but it was biphobic out of canon too.

i can hear you say, catfud, you’re aroace, you just think sleeping around is icky. to which i reply: you don’t fuckin’ know me. you don’t know my alphabet.

the “issue” i have with buck 1.0 is that he’s clearly searching for real connection, even with groovyheels297, in the pilot, and he’s not finding it, and it’s not even an issue with him—it just makes me sad, that he’s searching, he’s always been searching, and all he’s ever told is that he is not enough. let’s not ruin it by actually getting to know each other.

some parts of buck and tommy’s relationship strongly reminded me of just how aroace i am, how i don’t get it, and never will; how other i feel in this world of allonormativity. but much larger and stronger was the connection and hope i felt because of them—that queer storylines were being handled with care, and these two (neurodivergent-coded. i mean what) characters i enjoyed and related to were making something special with each other.

i had such queer joy at the end of 8x05. our people are what makes life worth living. i don’t have much right now, but i do have my people, including the friends i have made because of these two goobers, and in this time of scarcity and insecurity in my life irl, i value my posse so much.

i am so grateful that they gave us a buck who finally felt free, who could see a future with someone who kept showing up for him and choosing him, boils and all. i am so grateful they gave us the eddie & tommy show. i am so grateful they gave us tommy kinard, with all of his scars and crinkly smiles. heck, i’m even grateful they gave us billy boils.

they can’t take that away from us.

but the how of this breakup.

maybe i’m wrong. maybe i’ll be pleasantly surprised.

but the how of this breakup shattered the trust that viewers—queer folks, fans, and the GA—put in this show to tell meaningful, watchable, cohesive, coherent, understandable, and entertaining stories. stories that make sense. from this point forward, the stories 9-1-1 tells are fruit from the poisoned tree.

can we trust that henren and josh and whoever else won’t get queerphobic treatment? (no, because josh was already in the blast zone of “abby turning men gay”.) can we trust that athena won’t further abuse her police powers, especially in situations that affect people of color? (no. full stop.) can we trust that neurodivergent/-coded characters won’t be called stupid or childish for a laugh? (no.) can we trust that sexual assault won’t be minimized and played for a joke? (no.)

i get that the show is “edgy”. i get that it’s going to be uncomfortable sometimes.

but i already had growing discomfort at its tendency to punch down, just rarely enough so people won’t stop watching. and maybe that’s an indictment of me, as a white queer, that i didn’t stop watching before. maybe the stories 9-1-1 tells were already fruit of the poisoned tree, because we live in an imperfect world, and people are imperfect, and perfection cannot be borne of imperfection…but good can.

but this: the intentional cruelty. the two-faced “stewardship” of a unique queer story. the now-irredeemable biphobia in canon, and the unchecked, unrepentant biphobia of the people bringing this story to life.

there is a way to bring queer stories to life responsibly and humanely, even if they come to an end. there’s a way to end them responsibly and humanely, too.

and this?

this ain’t it.

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