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Traitor Warlord Re-Forms Shadow Council; Declares Rebellion When Confronted

By Gurgles R. Justlever

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Alliance Paladins Gather to Raise Dead; Brawl With Valiant Horde Mourners

by Oregon Cuckreaver

Tragedy struck little but a month ago as Alliance necromancers, led by the insidious Highlord Lys Raseri, former death knight, embarked on a campaign to harass and harm the honorable High Warlord Jam Snake late Thursday night. Onlookers watched in horror as peaceful Horde mourners, gathered to honor the fallen of the Argus campaign, were slaughtered and cut down in the midst of serene Mount Hyjal. One witness provided the following images; Weaker viewers beware, the following pictures of Alliance tyranny could be considered graphic.

“They came all at once... First, we were mourning my fallen mate, next... a death knight had raised him as a ghoul to maul our son!”, wept one Orruka Notcleaver, wiping at her eyes with chain mail, as all orcs do and should do. “When will the killing end?”

Indeed, when will it? The Alliance has yet to learn after a vicious invasion by Smoldering Cohort demons; Yet, they perpetuate this endless war between their corrupt nobility and honorable Horde people, to a bloody point of no return. More on this story as it developed.

Above, see the Horde retaliation forces in a traditional peace talk with (unpictured) Alliance peasantry negotiators. Like us. Alliance. Yes.

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Craven Alliance Lionfuckers Descend on Orgrimmar Mid-Invasion of Argus

by Milton Dontusethisasmysurnameorruk

Imagine my surprise when I emerged from my personal castle, as all Alliance citizens of the middle class, and bore witness to a spectacularly bad raid on the Horde city of Orgrimmar. There was no rank, no file, no strategy- just pathetic weaklings lead by a madman descending on the gates, hurling themselves into crowds of orcish peons and market-goers en masse so as to sacrifice themselves to the blood god of the humans, Saurfang. 

Why undergo this bizarre ritual during a wartime? We contacted our respected informant, Greasy Greg, under the sausage stand in the Old Town for his opinion on the matter.

“Whassafukkinorrdoininstormmin?”, he eloquently asked as we politely beat him to near-death, as is the human custom. In-between choked gasps for air and gurgles for blood, he spoke to us over his wonderful sausages free of charge.

“Nah, nah- issallcuzannuinsgay, y’know? Bigolcruz on Saurfang, yeah? Saystame, Greg, yagottaorderemtabrimmeizead.” We don’t know what these words mean, but our Common-to-Common translators assure us this is a convoluted battle plan that the Razor Hill Times will soon be able to bring to the light of the people.

We interviewed multiple Horde citizens for their opinions on the matter, while King Wrynn had our reporter hurled from the Stormwind Keep when asked for comment.

Their quotes have been recorded unabridged.

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Frivolous Nobles Dress as Pirates Amid Massive Orgy in Defiance of Legionfall Counter-Invasion

by Orwell Rustlovski

Pirates’ Day. A day in honor of hideous, seadwelling demon-lovers who engage in coital sorcery with the sea god, Therazane, in order to steal gold from honest working-men in league with the nobles of the Alliance. Why must we honor their work and not, instead, a day in celebration of the underappreciated, abused worker of the Alliance war machine? Is it not their backs which are ritually broken to produce the cake of the nobles while the men and women of the lower-class are forced to fight over rat-beef and cakes of pure grass?

The world of Azeroth, at current, is under constant invasion by the vicious, dishonorable Burning Legion, an endless force of disgusting mongrels who couldn’t tell a decent steel if it bit them in the- The high life of Stormwind, rather than fight their due in the war and on Argus, instead lives it up, dressing in skimpy garments and basking as naked as a newborn kodo in the sun of Booty Bay, a notorious brothel and alcoholic’s escape. There they drink, coit, and scamper as rats in the planks and sand of the Bay, blissfully away from the fel-scarred rock and real war.

What could drive them to such madness? The answer is obviously deep-seeted demonic corruption within the Stormwind nobility. They must be cast down and replaced, with some much weaker-minded- to throw the demons off- cowardly- to ensure they won’t run from the fight- and horde-supportive- to ensure they cooperate in the Argus campaign- children, who would be much better suited to the running of the Alliance than a bunch of dreadlords, harlots, and alcoholics who would rather cuss one another out than take a spear to the nape like a true warrior.

Disgraceful wretches will never let the true people of the Alliance be free.