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[bullshit-complaints]

“Paris Is Burning” Poster

[bullshit-complaints]

I remember the night I began to hurt. I remember the night everything began to go numb.

I was staring into your eyes, we were blasting music and feeling everything. I was looking so deep into your eyes, I was levitating, I was so high on your love.

The itching in my brain started. I began asking myself questions in that moment, and I felt myself completely become thrown off track. I don’t know what triggered it, but I began searching for the moment again in your eyes. I shrugged off the fact that I was pulled away from the moment and wanted to reconnect. But it didn’t.

My mind suddenly became so loud. Distractions, screaming. I couldn’t lose the sound, I couldn’t lose the voice in my head.

After that night I was almost okay again. I thought it was bizarre that I could just slip from the moment like that. And I made it a mission to feel.

After that I tried and tried and tried and tried.

Moment after moment lost with you stuck inside my mind screaming. Why didn’t I tell you. It’ll be three years in 11 days. Three years I’ve spent with such an incredible giving individual. Three years spent learning you loving you and your boys.

But my moments keep slipping.

My mind is completely falling apart.

I’m still trying to learn to live.

I’m now seeking help so I can learn to love myself again, so I can fully love you again. I know you’re not the one who’s always right, and neither am I.

But I’ve let so many moments slip from myself that I have completely lost my ability to even comfort you.

I’ve lost my ability to fully love you. And not any true fault in your part, my mind just knows how to really ruin things for myself.

Today I make a promise to you that you will never even get to hear me say.

I will love you whole heartedly as best I can. It is my goal to be whole again, for me, for you. For our life we’ve begun building together.

This fight against my mind is over, I am going to win this battle.

[bullshit-complaints]

You are my weakness.

My ground.

My world.

How can I fix these things.

How can I crawl outside my mind.

How do I put aside my bullshit and just be.

I want to do everything in the world for you.

I want to give you my all and love you.

I want to show you what I can do.

As my mind disintegrates and my mania worsens I lose grip of my morals, of myself, of you, of our life.

As my shame grows and my body ages I fear becoming hideous to you, I fear becoming something you don’t want or need, but by this thinking I believe I’m becoming that thing to you and I lose touch.

I just need to come back down.

Pull me down.

[bullshit-complaints]

Back again with another day of absolute fucking bullshit.

This one will be quick.

I’m covering the first hour and a half at work for my coworker, I needed to be here at 10:45 to open the store, he works at 11:30. I was confused as to what the plan with the car was. The past few times I drove here, he would take the car back to the house, finish getting ready and drop off the car and long board to work. All I was trying to do was confirm whether or not that was the plan. He immediately lashed out on me and said “it doesn’t fucking matter what I’m doing with the car.” And to my surprise of the sudden anger said “I’m just trying to figure out what the plan with the car is.”

It feels like I’m talking to a wall sometimes. He clearly thinks my confusion is me trying to argue with him. I don’t know maybe I should have just assumed that was the plan but unfortunately I didn’t and just wanted to make sure. But how am I supposed to even feel comfortable asking questions when I’m confused if all I will get is backlash and yelling. I swear to god I feel like I’m mentally impaired or something because I can’t seem to just make it click. Is it me? Is it him? What the fuck is going on. Why is he so quick to jump to anger when all I was trying to do was figure out what was going on.

We made up last night. I crawled on the roof and apologized and said the words that I knew would make things better. I looked at it from his side. But in this case I don’t feel like looking at it from his side alleviates the issue because I didn’t have an issue I was simply confused. Maybe he’s still on edge from last night. Maybe subconsciously I am trying to argue with him. I don’t think so but according to him the subconscious is stronger that I think it is.

At the end of the day what I truly feel is that he is the one trying to fight with me. It feels like ripping your teeth out, or scraping your face across a cheese grater. I’m losing my fucking mind. He said he can read what I’m really thinking by the look on my face. The look on my face is just the expression I get when I’m scared and confused as to why he’s mad. Why is he mad. Why. Why the fuck is he mad at me. Is he taking out anger on me. I’m going to fucking kill myself dude. Not actually but I wish. I think about suicide a lot.

[bullshit-complaints]

Hi everyone. Or I guess no one. Hopefully soon there will be someone who can understand. Maybe even him.

That is, if I’m right. Even though it was never a battle of who was right or wrong in my mind. It was for him.

I’m going to explain a situation that just happened. Maybe if anyone reads this they can show me some clarity. 

Tonight was good, for the most part. I made dinner, watched the sunset a little, we just moved to our dream town. Although things haven’t been so dreamy... I’ve been constantly trying to beat the dread. See before we moved he got into trouble. Some legal stuff that’s really been hanging over our heads. Maybe more him than me, he’ll be the first one to make sure you know that. And understandably, I wasn’t the one in trouble. Desipite my efforts, my depression and anxiety have gotten the best of me. He makes sure to let me know I don’t support him enough. A fun fact is though, I wasn’t even originally supposed to move here with him. He wanted to go alone and wanted me to do some more growing up. I agreed and we had it all mapped out. It took me awhile to fully be okay with it though, he would get upset when I showed that it made me sad to think about. Maybe that’s what he means by growing up some? I don’t know anymore. But of course after he got in trouble things changed. He needed me here, I became essential. So amongst all the sadness and shame he showed, and that I felt personally, I was excited to be moving with him. Maybe it was weird forces of the universe bending the natural laws of time to make this happen. Maybe we are just meant to be. Or maybe me thinking this way just means that I do have some growing up to do.

But yes of course. The situation that just happened. We’re sitting in the living room bored as hell. Both of us looking at our phones, I’m on instagram scrolling when he asks me what this persons name is, I look up her instagram through her boyfriends and then tell him. He then said her name and then proceeded with, “so its @ *insert name*” I said, “no her instagram username is what you would use to tag her, here look.” I showed him her account and pointed at her username. At this point I’m under the impression he’s on Instagram. But he in fact was not, he was on Facebook, but I had no idea. He said, “well maybe she has two accounts.” I replied, “no wait let me check real quick.” I then go ahead and look up, @*insert name* discovering it’s not her so I tell him, “no it’s not I just checked” after a little bit back and forth he shows me his screen then I realized oh he’s on Facebook and I was immediately like, “oh well then never mind haha, I didn’t realize you were on Facebook.” I said this so lax, so cool and calm because in my mind it was just a pure misunderstanding on my part. To my surprise the next ten minutes is filled with argument. He’s pissed, “I just can’t understand the flat out ignorance” “the flat out lack of common sense.” I’m sitting here shocked by the reaction. I follow up with an explication as to why I was so persistent with the username bullshit. He gets angrier and angrier. It begins to scare me, there’s been a fair share of freak outs he’s had after one too many drinks. To be honest I think I’m traumatized or something because they’ve gotten extremely bad. I began getting nervous, laughing, smiling, crying and shaking. He continues to get fired up until it’s just insults. “Don’t try to flip on me with the ‘why are you so mad’ bullshit. Don’t try to pull that shit with me.” “This is so fucking dumb dude why the fuck are you even trying to argue with me.” “Get off your stupid Instagram high horse.” “How could a person have such a lack of common sense.” He threatens leaving and not coming back for the night. I say no and cry more because I feel trapped in this horrible situation that I’ve created because I’m too stupid. I’m too dumb. Even now typing this out is causing me such grief and guilt. I feel like I should just shut up. He says “you don’t ever like being wrong, you know that? Just be fucking wrong and be done with it.” I reply “I know I’m wrong and I’m just trying to apologize and explain to you what happened on my end.” He says “I know what happened on your end already you’ve said it a million times already now, Instagram this Instagram that, you know how stupid you sound.” I say “but if you understand what I’m saying then you know that it was just a misunderstanding and that I’m sorry. I’m not trying to argue I’m just trying to explain.” This is a back and forth for about another 10. At this point I’m feeling pretty confident with where I stand. Although I’m not sure if I can say that I had my common sense on at all or maybe I was just trapped down this instagram hole. I’m getting panicky and anxious. I know I’m wrong I know, I know. I’m sorry. The year build up in my eyes and I feel like a god damn fool. He’s still mad. Even more angry than before. I question whether or not he’s drank a lot. He drank with the neighbor and while we where sitting in the living room. He says “alright fuck this I’m going for a walk.” I ask, “where?” He says “I don’t know maybe to the store.” My inner fear blurts out for me, “to get what?” He looks at me like I’m retarded. “Beer, no shit. What the fuck else would I get, fruit water? Crackers? No, I’m getting beer.” I sit there silent not knowing if I should make a comment on it. But why do I have to be scared to say something? Why can’t I just be able to say it and not have to fear backlash but instead just have a grownup discussion about it? Needless to say right now he’s sitting out from of our apartment complex drinking while I sit in our bedroom typing this because I can’t talk about it with anyone.