bunny-hoodlum

[bunny-hoodlum]

Alright, whatever personal stuff I complained about in the previous post, I'm over it. It's so unimportant compared to literally everything right now. I was never even really stewing over it relentlessly, if that's the impression that was given. Just sometimes (usually during my period) I'll relive certain convos and such and I'll rly be inside those moments again and I'll remember and act out all the things I didn't say and shit like that. If that's some form of working through it, then cool, but most of the time it feels like a setback. Then again, I've been getting over it quicker and quicker with each time, so maybe I really am working through it. In some messed up way.

Fandom still feels trivial tho. But on the flipside... If everything's going to shit and let's say, I only have a year left to live, how would I want to make use of that time? Would I want to complete all my fics even if it's trivial? All I do now is waste my own time with oversleeping and youtube. But I still feel like I'm not a huge NH fan anymore. Like, I don't wanna write them as if they could be original stories, know what I mean? Like, they get so OOC that it's not even a plausible AU anymore or whatever. Y'see the scaffolds of my analysis paralysis? My brain makes this ten times more complicated, and it's exhausting. I should probably just start lifting weights or go for a run next time I'm trapped in my head. I keep forgetting that's an option.

Oh wow, the tangent is crazy... This is why I shouldn't backtrack to add things. Now the next part has no flow.

I feel like I either get dysregulated becuz I'm around unsafe people, they're not always toxic by any means but they're still not safe for my HSP bitchass. Or... I forget the 'or'. Or I need to learn a lot of things, like boundaries and self-soothing and shit. I dunno, I'm like... An embodiment of the golden rule. 'If I wouldn't do that to you, I'd hope you wouldn't do that to me.' What else was I saying? Oh, I guess I'm only hypocritical when it comes to kinda being a culture-phile, like a hipster. I keep feeling guilty about this one time I was shitty towards this person becuz they love a singular genre or whatever and I... can't paraphrase what I said, I just know it was kind of pointlessly elitist. I still haven't seen Vivarium either and they recommended it to me, and that's not within their declared genre that they say they exclusively consume over anything else.

I have had weird hang-ups and sadness that they can't be themselves around me. Idk how other people feel around me tbh, IDK if I'm actually easy to talk to or what. Idk what my appeal is or my vib, and that's less self-esteem issues and just legitimately being unable to gauge my relationships and trust in them. Until I fall into a trap of comparing how they are with other people, then I'm like... 'Huh. Concerning. Not sure what that means. Now sure how to be myself here either. This sucks.'

I know you get to be diff sides of yourself around diff people and that's normal but I dunno... Overanalysis bullshit. And then I feel unsafe becuz the environment is just totallyyyyy different and the unspoken rules have changed and IDK. So much noise in my head.

Idk if I'm ready to look at any messages still. I am being a coward. My anxious-avoidant ass is like 'You just caused the worst case scenario for yourself. Everyone's gone now.' And is this public diary making things any better? Pfffft, pshaw. 🥲

I gotta be honest, I've kinda been in a 'bunker mentality' lately and I can't even act on it, and it's very lonely. I'll look crazy or put us deeper into debt or whathaveyou but I keep feeling like we're gonna get screwed over soon. Sucks when nobody is on the same page as you, yknow. And I gotta go to work tmw like nothing is wrong. I'm a wage slave, so uh, maybe other ppl who are thinking like me are gonna be there and it's gonna be empty shelves all over again. 🥲 If not tomorrow, then someday for sure.

[bunny-hoodlum]

I guess I coulda just said nothing and faded away, but I dunno. I even had another post I've been working on that doesn't really change the situation, but I thought it at least sounded nicer and had more clarity to it.

But then it got all rambly and now I don't know what I want to do with it.

Here's my best attempt at keeping it concise:

Fandom is no longer in alignment with me. I was still feeling really insecure and unhappy with my works, and no amount of positivity has helped, which has left me stressed and guilty and afraid of being perceived poorly, like ungrateful and entitled and whatnot. But I think that proves two things: That I'm forcing myself to stick with something I've outgrown out of toxic nostalgia, and that my dissatisfaction comes from something deeper that I haven't figured out yet.

Also, I realize I don't have to abandon friends I've made in this sphere just becuz I'm going in a different direction, I can just say that I need lots and lots of space to figure things out. But at the same time, I don't really see how we can be friends without NaruHina keeping us together. I mean, maybe I'm projecting or something. I can check in if we don't have to talk about Naruto, becuz you are a person and you are more than just your interests. But I don't expect the same from some people.

I also got my experience here ruined again. I know I was being overly sensitive to the whole 'NaruHina fans hate that' thing, buuuuuut I could explain how it crossed a boundary (3x in fact), or how it made me emotionally unsafe and was the last straw, or just how it made me second-guess this person despite thinking I'm the one that's being too much about it (ofc, both things can be true)... but the previous time was 2021 when I rage-quit Runner's High becuz 'NaruHina fans hate that' (becuz I was considering a wacky naruhinasasu chapter, becuz I was waiting on it to happen in a fic that I can't even read anymore)... But yeahhhh... that two-shot. That two-shot I wrote to reclaim my power back from those NH fans. Yeah, mm-hm. NH fans hate that. And what was I supposed to impart from that? What, we don't write for ourselves anymore?? 🙃

I also ruined RH for myself becuz my negativity influenced the direction of the fic and I wanted nothing to do with it for 2 yrs. So maybe space will fix me, like it did before, or maybe I'll still no longer be interested in Naruto.

So, it'd be one thing if I was just not in a NH mood anymore. That stuff is usually a cycle, right? But feeling this uncomfortable when I think about NH makes it highly unlikely I'll want to come back.

And even if/when I do get properly and fully over it, well... See, I don't see myself activating socially again anyways. I needed to get this off my chest, but I'm probably burning bridges just by alluding to these things here.

Obviously, someday I can just go back to updating my fics and not be socially involved in the fandom. That'd be fine.

But right now, I'm either checked out and dead inside -- somedays I'm good but still listless -- or I'm actively angry and heartbroken becuz I hate the thing I used to love and I have nothing yet to fill the vacuum.

You know. Depression! 🫠

Yeah, but no, the world is going to hell in a handbasket and I really hope you all make it through, however this shit is affecting you or will affect you. The LGBTQ community who just lost their suicide hotline. If someone doesn't make a replacement service for you, please continue to live out of a spite. Live for the people that will love you. You just haven't met them yet.

(Btw, did love hearing from Markiplier how Los Angeleños were honking in front of hotels, forcing ICE to get kicked out over and over again. Maaaaan, does that make me smile. Let's do more of that!! 🤣)

[bunny-hoodlum]

I don't think I'm coming back to fandom anymore. I don't want to say I'm abandoning my stories becuz it just feels too callus to do so. But I'm severely lacking a purpose in a life. And fandom feels too trivial and too lonely. (I get that the latter complaint is my own doing, but as a lurker, I literally feel like I have no one to talk to or would talk to. I'm rly sorry to any mutuals that might feel slighted by this, it's just some sort of emotional barrier I think. I'm not rly engaged in media on the same level as most people on here anyways tho, so I literally can't just hit up ppl and connect on this or that even tho I long for it. I've become an empty-headed consumer, I don't rly think that deeply about much of the stuff I watch. I'm into "Rock is a Lady's Modesty" and the No Kings Protests going on are making me fall in love with Andor, but it all still feels like it's just floating on the surface. Idk what else to say about it, I'm just rambling at this point.)

I'm also really fighting against a tide of despair everyday now that I'm tuning into the news again. Part of me feels like I could try to get into actual political activism, and another part of me thinks maybe I should join a Soup Kitchen becuz I do like feeding people. It's like the only maternal instinct I got. But here comes more excuses: My social anxiety is out of control again tho and I also kind of have a full-time job and I'm the breadwinner at the moment. I always feel overwhelmed by one obligation that I can't fit in any others, even tho at a certain point I'm usually like 'Ah, fuck it. I'mma do what I want.' .... Sigh.

I can't do a Life Coach or therapy just yet, but it's my on my list. Sadly, it's just at the very bottom. Still saving up for hubby's epidural shot for his back issues, he's also gonna finally get his driver's license at some point becuz I'm passive af and didn't push him for it when we got together 10 yrs ago. I guess that's it rly... Credit card debt becuz we had to move like 6 fuckin times becuz of falling out with roommates and/or escaping rent increases... Sigh. Kind of just seems like mere inconveniences when I write it all down. But I do feel defeated in a lot of ways, like even when we have money I know it's not gonna make me happy, or... There's just always gonna be something that happens that we can't afford. And all our efforts are gonna be for nothing. Shit like that.

Okay, this journo is super lame. I sound pathetic.

Sorry to any mutuals who's messages I haven't read yet. I'm super checked out and I just don't wanna get overwhelmed or... my brain feels like sludge now. It's like, you deserve my best when I reply? Something like that. If I reply. I should reply. I'm being a dick. Ugh.

Just gonna go now, I guess. Take care everyone. And take care of each other (if that applies? You know what I mean. 😩)

👋✌️

[bunny-hoodlum]

[bunny-hoodlum]

HI DAYSSSSS, I'm in dire need of a naruhina fic where nothing happens. Post war fluff and daily life, slow developing of their relationship and just kind of like a slice of life!! Thanks ilysmmm 🤍

Hello! It's been a long time since I answered any asks.

Here's one I haven't recommended before, though it's not particularly "slow" development imo.

"The In-Between" by Winterfly - Rated M, Canon-Compliant, Multi-chapter, Incomplete. A slow burn of interactions and eventual relationship between Naruto and Hinata. These moments are meant to take place “In-between” the main story line as the title implies, but also during the blank period. Of course we know Naruto and Hinata probably interacted besides what we have seen, so what would that look like? What’s going on outside the screen? What are they thinking and feeling? Why is everyone so frustrated with them when it’s so obvious what’s in front of them?

Here are most of the Blank Period pre-The Last fics I've recommended in the past.

“secret lovers” by @quirrrky - Rated T, Canon-Compliant, Series of related one-shots. After the Fourth Shinobi War, Naruto was gradually falling in love with Hinata and the whole village of Konoha knew it…Well, aside from him.

“Facing the Sun” by @happyocelot - Rated T, Canon-Compliant, Multi-chapter, Complete. Hinata had been watching Naruto for years. What she didn’t know was that Naruto would sometimes watch her back. Post-War.

“To match our strides” by Stonehill - Rated T, Canon-Compliant, Multi-chapter, Complete. During the first winter after the war Naruto decides it’s time to figure out Hyuuga Hinata.

“Itsu No Hi Ni Mo” by OrenjiRabenda - Rated T, Canon-Compliant, Multi-chapter, Complete. No Matter the Day: The story follows Naruto and Hinata during the blank period between the end of the war and “The Last: Naruto The Movie”.

“Tsukuyomi Boyfriend” by @peppercornpresses - Rated G, Canon-Compliant, One-shot. Over a year has passed since the great Shinobi War, and people are finally starting to open up about their Infinite Tsukuyomi Illusions.

“Doppleganger” by peppercorpress - Rated T, Canon-Compliant, One-shot. Team 8 meets Naruto’s doppleganger (but not really).

“Something New” by waterrolls​ - Rated G, Canon-Compliant, One-shot. Can a clueless boy ever figure out romance? Maybe, and definitely not without the help of friends who have the couple’s best interests at heart. Or, how Naruto and Hinata got their changes in uniforms.

“the becoming of stars” by @matchaball - Rated G, Canon-Compliant, One-shot. You have me. Until every last star in the galaxy dies. You have me. (Pieces of their life from childhood to adult)

"Mission Together" and Chapter 12 from "Orange and Lavender" by ReadingBennie - Rated T, Canon-Compliant, Series of One-shots. A collection of one shots for Naruhina month 2016. Ratings will vary.

“Once and Future” by @kuriquinn - Rated T, Canon-Compliant, Series of One-shots. In the wake of the Fourth Shinobi World War, the survivors pick up the pieces . The road to recovery will be a long one, but the moments in between offer ample chances to reclaim some of their childhood innocence. Feelings connect, friends renew bonds and hearts say goodbye in this series of connected one-shots from the Blank Period. (Light shipping of various pairings)

I think this next one is kind of pushing the boundaries of canon-compliance, but a lot of people love it (I do, too) -

"My Right Hand" by petran - Rated T, Canon-Compliant, Multi-chapter, Incomplete. As Naruto struggles to deal with life as an amputee, he becomes much closer to a certain lavender-eyed kunoichi. Canonically set in the time period between the end of the 4th Shinobi War and "Kakashi Hiden".

If anyone knows of others, please add on!

[bunny-hoodlum]

@asriah lmao how much farther in the future?? 😂🤭

I just reada really good fic but halfway through I realized "oh shit this is really familiar.... didn't I write something like this once?" And as I kept reading I kept predicting what happened next and the further I went the more convinced I was that they'd ripped off my story-

like, copied the ENTIRE plot and re-written it, just better than I had? The characters were more fleshed-out than mine were, and the POV was more interesting, and the pace made more sense- but it was MY STORY?

So close to the end I was like "holy shit.. do I message them? Ask if my story inspired theirs? Should I be angry? Flattered?" Cause their tags and description didn't mention me AT ALL, which, sure, it's fanfiction to begin with, but if you're using my work than at least credit me as inspo, right? Just to be courteous?

But I get to the end of the final chapter, and it's not finished, and I'm kind of disappointed cause I never finished my story and I was really immersed in their version now and had been looking forwards to seeing how they tied up my loose ends- so I scroll to the bottom to leave a comment, and.

It's MY URL.

IT WAS MY STORY THE WHOLE TIME.

THE ONE *I WROTE*.

In *2013*.

And FORGOT ABOUT

BECAUSE I WAS SO INSECURE ABOUT MY SLOPPY, SHALLOW, AMETEUR WRITING

And I'm just sitting here now staring into space thinking about every shitty story I've ever written now like

IT WAS ALL GOOD?

IT WAS GOOD THIS WHOLE DAMN TIME??

I'M A GOOD WRITER?????

[bunny-hoodlum]

please, I would love to know if you have any recommendations for naruhina fanfic that takes place in a high school universe?

I hope you made use of my tagging system in the last 5 months since you sent this 😅. Check out #naruhina high school au on my blog for all the posts I've ever made with that tag.

Here are some of my faves:

“you totally almost killed me that one time (it’s okay I still love you)” by @itachiboutit - Rated G, High School AU, Multi-chapter, Complete.  Naruto, a promising baseball player, returns to Konoha Prep, and, without so much as even a “long time no see,” hits a ball into Hinata’s face.

“It’s High Tide, Baby” by @spyder-m - Rated T, High School AU, Multi-chapter, Complete. “Despite everything that happened around it, the water would continue to flow. It was majestic and free, so unlike the nature of his own existence.” Could their love withstand the test of distance and time, or was it doomed to slowly fade away?

“Accidentally in Love” by lagseeing1123 - Rated M, High School AU, Multi-chapter, Incomplete.  Naruto was supposed to help Kiba get a date with Hinata, but in the process finds himself falling for his best friend’s crush.

“cheerful” by @vegebulsoup - Rated M, High School AU, Multi-chapter, Complete.  Naruto and Hinata join the cheerleading team!  Love drama ensues.

“October - Horror” from “Still Falling for You” by @chloelapomme - Rated T, High School AU, Multi-chapter, Complete. Hinata has an unhealthy obsession.  Naruto does, too.

“Uninhibited” by EroPrincess - Rated M, High School AU, One-shot. People have said confidence is gained through inebriation.

“Asynchronous With You” by @bunny-hoodlum - Rated E, High School AU, Multi-chapter, Ongoing. Hinata is done pining for her foster brother, Naruto. And yet, maybe that’s the best time for him to pick up right where she left off.

“Jealousy” by Cheating Death - Rated M, High School AU, One-shot.  Naruto realizes he’s really into Hinata, but who’s that senpai hanging around her?

“Chapter 25″ of “Between the Trees” by @utsus - Rated G, One-shot. Naruto is getting used to his new prosthetic arm.

“Promise” by @linisen - Rated T, One-shot.  Writing on your own skin will appear on your soulmate’s skin.

and I've written several high school aus. here are a few of my most popular:

“Friend of Mine” - Rated T, High School AU, One-shot. When Naruto finally decides to confess to Sakura, Hinata begins to reevaluate her close friendship with her longtime crush.

“It’s No Secret” - Rated M, High School AU, Multi-chapter, Ongoing. Hinata returns to Konoha to enjoy her last year of high school, but her secret grows too heavy to bear. 

“Tell Me of Forevers” - Rated T, High School AU, Two-shot. Delinquent Naruto is trying to change himself for the better.

“Awkward Jocks” - Rated G, High School/1990s AU, 3-Shot. She knows that if he were to ever ask her out, she would accept in a heartbeat. After all, he’s the star quarterback and basketball player. Plus, she’s liked him since…forever. But when her home phone rings, and he’s on the other line, she hangs up.

Anyone can add on with their favorite high school au!

[bunny-hoodlum]

Hello! Sorry for weird question or if you already answered something like that!

Is craving for connections/attention a core necessary part of AVPD?

I didn't realise I wanted attention before and now I suddenly realise I want it *and* connections, but it is not as strong and crippling. The hitting realisation that I will most likely be alone is still there.

It still hurts, being unloved and unlikable(in your own eyes). Not trusting people that say they like you. Or maybe trusting them but not feeling it, you don't feel as relieved and reassured. I fear that maybe I don't care about this person?? But I do remember having warm feelings inside towards them, it's confusing. It's like there is a layer between me and my attachments, they are there but I don't feel it full force. As if I don't remember those emotions, I just know they were there.

The shame and fear do feel practically fully though XD

I dunno, it feels like there is no element of wanting this. I want the end result of already having someone as a fact.

i don’t think it’s necessary by any means, just common. a more generalizable way to put it would probably be that our isolation is actively distressing to us — even if a person doesn’t want connection and fully believes isolation is the best option for them, they’re still probably going to have a lot of negative feelings about that isolation rather that just being totally at peace with it. it could, for example, be a sense of “why can’t i be the kind of person who gets close to other people?” rather than a specific desire to actually do that.

i feel similarly to you — i want to just already be close to someone, but i don’t want to have to go through the process of getting close to them, i want them to just be there — and i suspect that a lot of avoidants feel the same given that being able to last through the stages between “stranger” and “really close friend” is notoriously difficult for us. that’s one thing particularly distinctive part of avpd; we tend to get less comfortable with people over time rather than more, and as a result we have to push through a lot more fear and mistrust to get to that end stage of actually trusting and being comfortable with someone. a lot of us end up feeling like it’s just not worth it, and wishing we could skip over all that to get to the good part that everyone else seems to reach. i know i do.

and at least in my case, that feeling can look a lot like just not wanting connections at all. when i look at the people around me, i can’t imagine building a relationship with them — i can fantasize about what it might be like to be best friends with them already, i can be jealous of the relationships they have, but the process of getting there is entirely foreign and generally undesirable to me. it doesn’t even really feel like i want to be their friend at all, because i know i couldn’t do it and wouldn’t be willing to put myself on the line to try.

attention is a similar thing for me. i want the end result of positive feedback, but when i get the opportunity to have any attention on me to potentially get that, i don’t even want people to look in my direction.

navigating interpersonal situations as an avoidant tends to be really fickle like that — you hate being isolated but you’d rather die than go out and interact with people, you need positive feedback because you can only believe you’re good if people keep telling you you are but you want to crawl out of your own skin when people even look at you, and so on. each person’s experience with that is going to be unique, what i’m describing is just mine, but the general theme of contradictory or ambivalent feelings is a common one.

so no, i wouldn’t say you have to crave attention or connection to have avpd, it’s not one of the Big Necessary Factors in my mind, and even when it is present, it tends to be far more complicated than just “i want people in my life really badly” because of the way our brains process relationships and intimacy.

it is a relatively common experience from what i’ve seen, but also a complicated one and by no means completely universal.

[bunny-hoodlum]

psych assessment: do you ever feel like your thoughts aren’t actually your own?

me: no, never, absolutely not

also me: *regularly saying “shut up” out loud to my own thoughts because sometimes when i think bad things about myself i don’t actually mean to think them and they catch me off guard and it feels like someone else using my mind’s voice and i don’t like it so i have to tell the angry brain gremlin that now’s not the time*

[bunny-hoodlum]

today the thing about avpd that's the most upsetting to me is that no one can know me how i am when alone. it is the best version of myself & i am utterly alone in knowing it. i wish i could cook for people i care about. i wish i could live with people n keep our space clean. i wish i could think straight when among friends.

[bunny-hoodlum]

sometimes avoidance is a very conscious and active thing but sometimes you don’t even know that it happened until much later. sometimes you just look back one day and realize you haven’t even thought about your dream job in 4 months because 4 months ago someone said something negative to you about it and that was all it took for your brain to throw the idea away. sometimes you think your life is going pretty well until someone asks you what you’ve been up to and you have no idea how to answer because you haven’t actually done anything in months.

[bunny-hoodlum]

What do you think would be some better internal indicators for AvPD?

i while ago, i posted my own rewritten criteria for avpd. the point of it was pretty much to create a set of criteria that focuses on the internal aspects of avpd, not just the outward presentation.

the first section of it is what i would consider the core internal features of avpd, the psychological patterns that make it what it is:

view of self as inadequate, socially inept, personally unappealing, incompetent, inferior to others, or otherwise "wrong" in some way.

prominent fear of negative evaluation (i.e. being criticized, embarrassed, disapproved of, rejected).

general life dissatisfaction associated with the perceived presence of negative evaluation.

hypervigilance to possible signs of negative evaluation. tendency to perceive neutral or even positive responses as negative. may have difficulty paying attention to the situation at hand due to a preoccupation with searching for and preventing such signs.

heightened emotional sensitivity to perceived negative evaluation. intense emotional distress/dysregulation upon experiencing perceived negative evaluation, characterized primarily by feelings of shame and potentially activating a fight/flight/freeze/fawn arousal response.

the third section also is completely made up of internal indicators, and many of the associated features are internal experiences as well, if you’d like a more extensive list. i hope that helps!

[bunny-hoodlum]

me: avpd is something i’ll have forever. even if i learn how to manage it and accommodate it, it’ll always be part of the way my brain works and i’ll always have to deal with certain challenges that come with that. i have no interest in trying to reach “complete recovery” because that would require fundamentally changing my brain, and i would rather stay myself and learn how to live a good life with the brain i have.

my avoidance: starts becoming more prominent again after a period of time where it was easier to live with, resulting in the return of a lot of feelings i’d gotten used to not feeling so strongly, because having an easier time for a while doesn’t mean my lifelong neurodivergence has just disappeared.

me:

[bunny-hoodlum]

me: i know they’re you’re friends and they’re really nice but that just makes them even scarier because i really want them to like me and would be genuinely devastated if they didn’t so it’s just easier to never engage with them and endlessly wish i was friends with them without ever risking being rejected by them even if that means i never actually get to be their friend. like sure, strangers are scary too, but they’re easier because i’m not super invested in whether they like me or not. the people i already like? those are the most terrifying people ever. you know what i mean?

my boyfriend, who doesn’t have avpd: no. no i do not know what you mean. that is literally the exact opposite of how my social anxiety works. i can’t even imagine how that would feel.

[bunny-hoodlum]

avpd/szpd culture is experiencing "love" more like a reptile would--in the sense that you are familiar to me and I appreciate you, however I cant feel any deep emotional connection to you.

[bunny-hoodlum]

the interesting thing about avpd is you look mostly normal to others because youre desperately avoiding any triggers so you dont usually have freak outs

instead you look aloof and rude and not worth peoples time because you dont give back. like idk, i talk to people and listen because i care about friends. but so much of what i say is filtered through fear and lost. and im dissasociative and autistic so how im percieved and why people leave or give up on us is completely unknown to me.

like im constantly grasping at connections and reality but they slip away and im left wondering why i cant be loved or kept around

idk, im sorry i miss birthdays and never show affection its not because i dont care its because im extremely mentally ill. i liked being friends with you

[bunny-hoodlum]

Having your main anxiety response be Avoidance is crazy cause you'll think you're chillin and then one day you're like waitttt I've been paralyzed with fear this whole time. Damn