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[bunny5bee]

Innocence

You asked me about my childhood. Sitting criss cross applesauce on your bed you looked nervous like it wasn’t a question to ask. It’s probably my fault for being cryptic about the things that happened to me but I couldn’t respond, really. No memories flooded my brain when the question arose and my face was blank. I’m sorry I scared you. You asked me about my childhood and I froze. I froze like the little kid I secretly am when I try to tell my parents something or freeze like how I do when giving a presentation with blank slides. I’m not one for improve yet here I am forcing a 3 act play to seem somewhat normal. I tell you my memory is bad and I don’t remember much but the things I do remember aren’t exactly the memories you’re asking to hear. The atmosphere had shifted and so did my legs now knees bent up to my chest as a way to comfort myself from the awkwardness. You look at me and say “you don’t have to talk about it” with that disgusting sound of pity but you mustered up the courage to ask so I should anyway. I smile and laugh it off and say it’s nothing but secretly I wish I could shoot myself in the moment. You asked me about my childhood and the more I think about it the more I realize… I was scared you’d realize my innocence wasn’t worn out or grown out of like my favorite pajama pants. But was stolen from me from the environment I grew from and now I’m scared you understand me more than I do myself. You look at me with those worried eyes about a story I thought nothing of, now realizing more shit I shut myself up. Now remembering why I’d find comfort in objects that couldn’t give me a reaction. You asked me about my childhood and I couldn’t respond. My lack of innocence being explained with every shitty thing that was done to me. I wish to be clean like when I was younger. No worry or forgiving just innocent bliss but that’s a wish no one can grant. Maybe that’s the reason I have no memory and might be the reason why I’m so scared of innocence.  

[bunny5bee]

My Dirty Body

TW: Sexual assault 

I shouldn’t punish the body I wear

Like a dress I wish to strip myself of

Like the afternoon the sun was setting

After the day was done

I shouldn’t punish the body I find dirty

The memories given to me

The ones I beat drums over

I scrub and I scrub 

Yet the warm water never heals me

It hurts to breath

I can’t breath

So young yet so done

So worn out like the stuffed animal 

I was going to give you

I am dirty

The war that passed by me

Washed over my clean clothes

I am dirty

I scream to know that maybe it was a lie

A dream, perhaps

But I know nightmares come true

The regret isn’t as bad

As the memory of you over me

I’m losing

I lost

You won

Good job

Now throw me across the room

Use me as you please like before

It’s what I deserve

I shouldn’t punish the body I live in

Or the mind that was scared and didn’t know better

It wasn’t my fault 

But oh hell do I wish I hurt you

Like you hurt me

Because I may be dirty

But you are dirtier

[bunny5bee]

Apathy

The empty feeling of apathy

An apex predator that makes you feel guilty 

For using it as shelter from the rain

Once you thought was a friend turned into an addiction

Eating whatever it touches

You find yourself asking “well how can I be loved, when I won’t allow myself to love another?”

Like a hug from your mother you never received 

It becomes a comfort

To not feel 

Means to live without worry

Yet why don’t you feel fulfilled?

Filling your cup to the brim won’t do you any good 

When you won’t allow yourself to be happy

Yet what is happiness to someone who forgot the taste?

Apathy is not your friend it is a foe

It keeps you stagnant while the world moves on

You’re standing in an ocean taking every wave

Yet not realizing you're experiencing every emotion

You’re burning like a candle on it’s last cycle

The empty feeling of apathy

A fight between safety and experiencing

Yet what is experiencing when

You just continue to feel pain?