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burningupp · 1 year ago

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twenty-three: you can tell me anything

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Y/n was nervous, but that wasn’t exactly new. She had been losing her mind ever since agreeing to spend time alone with Hyunjin, which honestly didn’t make much sense considering they had done that before. Maybe it was just the fact that they would be spending time alone at his dorm? Yeah, that was definitely it. That in combination with the massive swarm of butterflies he always managed to elicit in her stomach just by existing in her general vicinity.

She had visited the dorms many times before, of course - Chan was one of her best friends, after all - so she tried to comfort herself with the knowledge that her surroundings would be familiar. Then again, she felt more comfortable around Hyunjin than she did most people, insane butterflies aside, so maybe she was just blowing things out of proportion. In fact, she was aware that she was; she just had no way to stop overthinking. Anxiety, and all that.

As part of making Y/n as comfortable as possible, Hyunjin had suggested watching the movie during the day as opposed to the evening. She was so incredibly touched at the way he was accommodating her anxiety, but she honestly wasn’t sure if anything could take away the anxious feeling completely. To be fair, even without her disorder, she was fairly certain that she would have been freaking out about this situation. Still, Hyunjin’s attitude did help her as much as anything possibly could, so she decided it was time to be brave.

Dressed in an outfit that was both comfortable and cute, she made her way to the dorm building to watch the Barbie movie with her… friend. Normally, she definitely would have spent at least three minutes just standing outside the door and waiting for her nerves to die down (which they wouldn’t) before ringing the doorbell, but in the spirit of breaking out of her comfort zone, she decided to rip the proverbial band-aid off and just ring the darn bell.

The door opened almost immediately, and a smiling Hyunjin appeared. He quickly stepped aside to let her in, and when the door was closed, he granted her a gentle hug hello. She hoped he couldn’t feel the hammering of her heart or her slightly rapid breathing. Either way, she knew he wouldn’t comment on it if he did.

“Hey, Y/n,” he said softly, letting go of her and taking a small step back. “How are you feeling?”

“Good, I think,” she responded, decidedly ignoring the slight tremor in her own voice. “How are you?”

When he smiled, she felt like melting into a puddle on the floor. Her heart kept beating rapidly, but less due to anxiety and more due to the butterflies that suddenly reappeared in her stomach. He was so pretty, so gentle, so… nice. Lovely. Sweet.

“I’m good! Excited to finally watch Barbie!”

Hyunjin’s excitement made Y/n laugh, nodding along. She was excited to watch it, too. As she removed her shoes by the door, he disappeared to fetch her a pair of house slippers. Then he led her into the living room, where they both sat down on the couch.

Her friend had very obviously put in a lot of thought and effort into this hangout, because the coffee table was filled with an array of different snacks and food. She gaped at the display before turning to Hyunjin with wide eyes, giggling a little.

“Who else is joining us?”

“No one, why?”

The way he looked genuinely surprised at her question made her let out a genuine laugh, waving the comment off with a quick “nothing, nothing.” He tilted his head in confusion before glancing at the table again, and then he started laughing too.

“I know it’s a lot, but I didn’t really know what you preferred! I mean, I know you like most of this, but I wasn’t sure what you wanted for today or if you’d had lunch, so I just- are you crying? Why?!”

Y/n sure was crying. She had spotted the plate of japchae amongst all the clutter of the table, and she couldn’t believe he’d remembered her favorite food and gotten it for her. It was really dumb, but she couldn’t help it; she had been so anxious, and this simple gesture had given her a form of relief she hadn’t thought she needed. The tears were happy ones.

“I’m sorry,” she blubbered, carefully wiping underneath her eyes to get rid of the mascara that had undoubtedly smeared due to her tears. Hyunjin looked like he was ready to do literally anything to make her stop crying, which just made more tears flow out of her eyes and down her cheeks.

“Don’t apologize! Listen, if this is too much for you, I completely understand. If you want me to, I can take you home. Just, please don’t cry,” he pleaded, grasping her hand gently and looking deep into her eyes.

She vehemently shook her head, refusing his very kind offer. She wanted to stay, more than anything. She just needed a second to collect herself, and maybe a hug or two. So, she silently tugged on Hyunjin’s hand in order to get him a bit closer to her. When he was close enough, she let go of his hand and pressed her face into his chest, wrapping her arms around him. He quickly wrapped his arms around her too, resting his cheek on the top of her head and waiting patiently for her to calm down enough to explain what was wrong.

After a minute or two, Y/n collected herself enough to pull away from the hug and look at Hyunjin’s face.

“I’m sorry for crying,” she began. She could tell he was about to interrupt her, most likely to reassure her, but she held up a hand to stop him. “I’m just feeling… cared for, I guess. And safe. And I’m just really grateful that I have you in my life, Jinnie.”

Okay, so maybe she hadn’t meant for the last part to be so exposing of her feelings for her friend. It was okay, though. She could most likely play it off, if he were to ask - heightened emotions, or something. Oh fuck, what if that didn’t work? What if- No. She refused to let herself spiral any further because of something so small.

She couldn’t help but look away from the man in front of her, feeling bashful at the entire situation even if she wasn’t exactly overthinking… yet. She felt a gentle hand come up to brush against her cheek, prompting her to look back at Hyunjin. His gaze held nothing but warmth. The butterflies, who seemingly had taken up permanent residence in her stomach, intensified their fluttering.

“Y/n,” he breathed, and the tone of his voice was so soft that she wouldn’t have heard him if she was sitting even slightly further away from him. “I… have something I want to tell you.” Oh God. “Nothing bad, I swear. At least I hope not.” That… helped, and then it didn’t.

“What is it, Jinnie? You can tell me anything.”

And she meant it. If he confessed a crime, she wouldn’t tell anyone; she would even help him outrun the law if necessary. If he confessed an embarrassing secret, she wouldn’t even make fun of him. Well. Maybe a little. But she would guard that secret with her life, without hesitation. She would do anything for this boy, and it both scared and thrilled her.

“I know that our first meeting was less than ideal, to say the least, and I know you said I don’t have to apologize, but I’m pretty sure I will be regretting what I said for the rest of time. You’re such a wonderful, wonderful person, and I count myself lucky to have met you.” Y/n was melting, she was sure of it. “And, uhm, I have thoroughly enjoyed getting to know you more properly these past few months. You’re a person unlike any other that I have ever met, and I just… I don’t know how to say this without being very direct, and I hope you will forgive me for that, but I think I just have to do it before I chicken out.”

“Anything, Jinnie. You can tell me anything.”

He took a deep breath. Then he released it. His hand fell from her cheek to her hand, and she immediately missed the warmth of his skin on hers. His gaze was still filled with warmth, but there was a bit of uncertainty in it now.

“I really, really like you, Y/n. Like, so much.” Y/n’s breath left her in one fell swoop. All she could do was stare at the man she undoubtedly had a gigantic, humongous, world-ending crush on as he confessed that he returned those feelings. She felt frozen, her brain needing a reboot before she could process thoughts again. “A-And it’s totally okay if you don’t feel the same, or if it’s too much or-”

Screw thought, she decided, and kissed him.

~*~

Hyunjin was in heaven. He was sure he had died, or he was dreaming, or… just anything that meant this wasn’t real, because surely it couldn’t be? He was kissing the woman he damn near loved, and it was the best thing to ever happen to him. Her lips were soft and pillowy on his, and the feeling of her right hand reaching to the nape of his neck and playing with the hair there made him shiver and grab her face as he kissed her deeper.

The kiss was very romantic and soft, almost innocent if it wasn’t for the depth of the feelings both of them were conveying in the kiss. It was enough for Hyunjin, he thought, that he could die happy in that moment. One kiss from Y/n, and his life was complete. He felt like his hearing was gone, everything beside her, her, her utterly unimportant.

She was the first to pull away, looking perfectly dazed with lips swollen from the kiss they had just shared. The tips of her ears as well as her cheeks were blazing a bright red, and it just endeared him infinitely. He couldn’t resist, and grabbed her waist to gently tug her into his embrace, holding her tightly to him. He kind of hoped she could hear his heart beating faster than what should be anatomically possible, just so she would know the depth of his affection for her. Even if she didn’t, he would make sure she knew.

The only sound in the living room of Hyunjin’s dorm was heavy breathing. The moment felt so fragile, he didn’t want to speak up for fear of ending it - still, he knew he would have to do so before her overactive mind would spin her into a spiral.

“I don’t- I don’t know what to say after that,” he breathed, crushing Y/n tighter against his chest. He truly didn’t, but he figured if he just kept talking, it would eventually lead them both to a place where there was something to say. Maybe. “That was definitely the best kiss I’ve ever had.”

“M-Me too,” she answered, her voice trembling slightly. He wanted to let her go to see if she was okay, but as soon as his grip on her loosened, she tightened hers. It made him smile, and his heart skipped a beat. “I, uh, I hope it’s clear that… that I feel the same.”

It kind of had been, but something bloomed in his chest at her words either way. His face split into a massive grin, his cheeks hurting almost immediately, and he had to fight with himself to not kiss her breathless again. He would, but later. After they talked.

“Thank you for telling me, anyway,” he whispered into her hair, pressing a kiss to her temple.

Another moment passed, and then they separated from the hug. Neither one of them let go of the other’s hand, though; it was as if they were physically incapable of parting from one another, now that the long-building tension had finally been released. They both took a deep breath at the same time, and then broke into giggles. Then Y/n cleared her throat and adopted a serious face, and Hyunjin immediately snapped to attention.

“Is something wrong?”

“Like I said,” she began carefully, “I really, really like you too. And I- I mean, you haven’t said anything about it, but I’m just assuming that- you know what, maybe this is stupid, I should just-”

“Nuh uh.” Hyunjin shook his head sternly, rubbing his thumbs over the backs of her hands. “Please, communicate with me. I like you so much, there’s literally nothing you can say to get rid of me.”

Y/n cracked a small smile, then seemed to steel herself. Hyunjin had never stopped focusing on her, couldn’t if he tried, but he zeroed in on her completely at the seriousness of her demeanor. Whatever was important to her, was important to him too.

“I know you didn’t say anything about being together, but-”

“Yes.”

“Hyunjin-"

“Yes. Let’s be together.”

“Jinnie,” she sighed, with an exasperated smile. “I want to be with you too.” His chest exploded with flowers, butterflies, rainbows and candy, anything sweet and beautiful. He felt so full in that moment, squeezing her hands tightly in his and grinning from ear to ear. “But.” Uh oh. “I have to be honest with you, and I-” She sighed before continuing. “My anxiety is… a lot. My life is not easy, and it’s not like everyone else’s. I have a pretty hard time with intimacy, in all its forms, and uhm… If we do this, which I completely understand if you don’t want to, we would have to go really slow. And I don’t want you to ever think that you’re the problem, because you’re not, but if you ever feel like that, please tell me?”

“I will. And going slow is not a problem, baby.” Hyunjin grinned again when the petname made her flush a deep red. “Every single step we take has to be a joint decision, yeah? If you’re not comfortable with any touching at all, that’s fine. If you want to hold hands, cool. Anything you feel you’re ready for, we will discuss together. Yeah?”

Y/n’s eyes started misting over again, but this time she was smiling while it was happening, so Hyunjin simply cooed at his new girlfriend (holy shit he’s going to die) and wiped away the few tears that managed to escape.

“Let’s start with hugging, and maybe some kissing sometimes…”

“I am more than okay with that.”

Eventually, after Y/n was perfectly tucked into Hyunjin's arms, they finally started the movie.