burrito-dad-blog - Tumblr blog

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okay…… good night mom………….,,

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Onur Tuna

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Dad Pun Sentence Starters

Send one to my Muse, or alternatively send  👍and my Muse will say one to you!

“What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurt-y.” “Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? They say he made a mint.” “A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer. Bartender says, ‘Sorry we don’t serve food here.’” “Why did the Clydesdale give the pony a glass of water? Because he was a little horse!” “How do you make a Kleenex dance? Put a little boogie in it!” “Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was a salted.” “I used to have a job at a calendar factory but I got the sack because I took a couple of days off.” “How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.” “Two guys walk into a bar, the third one ducks.” “'Wow, you’re a fart smella…I mean smart fella!” “I had a dream that I was a muffler last night. I woke up exhausted!” “What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1” “Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.” “What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.” “How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.” “Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.” “I just watched a program about beavers. It was the best dam program I’ve ever seen.” “Why did the coffee file a police report? It got mugged.” “How does a penguin build it’s house? Igloos it together.” “Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.” “Why don’t skeletons ever go trick or treating? Because they have no body to go with.” “Don’t call me later, call me Dad.” “What do you call an elephant that doesn’t matter? An irrelephant” “Want to hear a joke about construction? I’m still working on it.” “What do you call cheese that isn’t yours? Nacho Cheese.” “Why couldn’t the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired.” “What did the grape do when he got stepped on? He let out a little wine.” “I wouldn’t buy anything with velcro. It’s a total rip-off.” “The shovel was a ground-breaking invention.” “This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there.” “5/4 of people admit that they’re bad with fractions.” “Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, “do you know how to drive this thing?”“ “What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto.” “What do you call a fat psychic? A four-chin teller.” “I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.” “To the man in the wheelchair that stole my camouflage jacket… You can hide but you can’t run.” “The rotation of earth really makes my day.” “I thought about going on an all-almond diet. But that’s just nuts.” “What’s brown and sticky? A stick.” “I’ve never gone to a gun range before. I decided to give it a shot!” “Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re so good at it.” “Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It’s fine, he woke up.” “A furniture store keeps calling me. All I wanted was one night stand.” “I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.” “Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head.” “I don’t play soccer because I enjoy the sport. I’m just doing it for kicks.” “People don’t like having to bend over to get their drinks. We really need to raise the bar.”

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I did the Boop She was very offended

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Date a boy who forgives you for your past

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gladiance:

there is a thin line between being sassy and being an asshole and i cross it every day

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Text Prompts;

[text]: call or text me back please. i’m getting worried.

[text]: come round to mine and make me ;)

[text]: how drunk was i last night?

[text]: you were so wasted last night!

[text]: why do i have a stop sign in my living room?

[text]: i’m craving pizza… 

[text]: wanna grab lunch and a movie?

[text]: i can’t tonight, tomorrow?

[text]: that cutie is here again. should i talk to them? i won’t know if they like me unless i talk to them… 

[text]: i can literally feel my hair turning grey by the second… save me! PLEASE!

[text]: GUESS WHO HAS A DATE?!

[text]: batman or superman? you know, for science…

[text]: team cap or team iron man? our friendship rests on this…

[text]: any new book recommendations? 

[text]: me. you. a bottle of vodka. my place. now.

[text]: i really need a friend right now

[text]: i can’t believe what i just overheard in the bathroom…

[text]: for the last time, stop fucking texting me

[text]: i’m sorry, who is this?

[text]: fuck off!!

[text]: wanna be my plus one to my exes wedding? and pretend to be in love with me?

[text]: i just wanted to say, i love you and i forgive you

[text]: we need to talk.

[text]: what time you getting home?

[text]: word on the street is you got laid last night. i need all the deets!

[text]: pretty please? with sugar on top!

[text]: you love me really!

[text]: i have never in my life been this angry. i can’t believe this has happened!

[text]: sorry to miss your call, what’s up?

[text]: i got fired! I GOT FUCKING FIRED! :( 

[text]: my boss is giving me the eye…

[text]: pants are optional.

[text]: did you get the thing????

[text]: ??????

[text]: eww… the grossest thing ever just happened… 

[text]: shit shit shit

[text]: asshole, much?

[text]: don’t need to be a dick about it

[text]: wait, what?

[text]: how did you get this number?

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a happy pretzel noodle 🐍🙂

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Some different variants ball pythons,<3. 101 ball pythons anyone?

cred: JDConstriction

Ty @wheremyscalesslither for clearing everything up: {Stormtrooper is not a morph, but an individual animal. She is pictured in the first and 3rd images of the post, however the middle picture is just an axanthic bumblebelly. Stormtrooper is at least a pastel axanthic, however im certain shes a pastel axanthic desert ghost with John’s unique amd mysterious “the darkness” axanthic which is causing her odd color change.}

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moodboard for @burrito-dad , requested by anon!

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Atheris squamigera, common names:  green bush viper, variable bush viper, leaf viper and others, is a venomous viper species that can be found in West and central Africa: Ivory Coast and Ghana, eastward through southern Nigeria to Cameroon, southern Central African Republic, Gabon, Congo, DR Congo, northern Angola, Uganda, Tanzania (Rumanika Game Reserve), western Kenya and Bioko Island. . No subspecies are currently recognized. It’s truly a miraculously beautiful snake. 

Habitat preference: Found mostly in rain forest. Said to prefer relatively low and thick, flowering bushes.

Venom: Bites from this particular species have resulted in at least one report of severe hematological complications as well as two deaths.

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i’m watching Extreme Couponing and i just saw a woman rack up a charge of over $1000 and then her coupon game was so fucking raw by the end of it the store owed her $8. what the fuck

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take me laser tagging and then push me into a corner and kiss me. then shoot me and walk away.

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