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[butterflywoman]

Indefinite detention

You dated her, and initially I found myself feeling useless.

I feel like if you’re not around then what’s the point of me looking for love at all.

I feel nothing all the time.

I feel numb.

The guy from the past only dated white women, not me.

Not good for them, not good for me.

I feel nothing.

I didn’t deserve his love, he would’ve just said no. He would’ve told every living soul. I would’ve been so mortified.

Some how I’ve still managed to fuck that up.

I’m still mortified.

Truthfully, I have nothing. All my crushes are gone and I feel nothing.

I love nothing.

I hate myself because you don’t love me and you never will.

And I question if anyone ever will.

I doubt if anyone ever will.

I doubt if it will ever be worth it.

I know you could be reading this rolling your eyes.

I wish I was joking, I wish I didn’t believe it.

I wish I didn’t care.

I wish I could numb it, destroy it, kill all the feelings I had for you.

I wish I could see you again and feel nothing.

But I’m pathetic and I feel everything.

I want to fix it, I don’t want feelings any more.

I want to be better than desire.

You’re happy with her and I’m pretty useless.

[butterflywoman]

Closure moment

I hate myself because you don’t love me.

I’m not anything if you don’t love me.

I feel like I’m losing a part of me.

But someone how i pushed you away.

Maybe we could’ve lived together

But I’ll never have you

Maybe biting my tongue was a mistake

Maybe it was a blessing

Keeping me from embarrassing myself

I want you more than you could ever know.

I have to let you go .

I feel like I’m losing the best part of me.

It was a mistake.

I love you and you’ll be happy without me.

But I can’t imagine what comes next.

Someone save me.

I’m losing everything I’ve ever loved.

How could I recover from you?

I was wrong

I have nothing, I’m making all my fears come true.

Someone come take me away

[butterflywoman]

FINALLY IN WORDS

I give up!

I said it!

I stopped trying to pursue a new love interest.

Or rather, I gave up on creating new ones in my head.

Tell me I’m wrong if you would like.

But the truth is I hate knowing it, I hate believing it: I don’t believe I’ll meet anyone anytime soon.

And it upsets me so deeply I cry and cry and cry.

But why!

Why do I care so fucking much!

I don’t understand, maybe I could figure it out in therapy.

I want to know what causes me to keep desiring love.

I would like to consider my love life a string of unfortunate events, smashed memories covered with regret.

I don’t trust that I’ll meet someone who feels similarly back.

They say I’m insecure.

Call me what you want; I’m unsure.

Do they even like black women around here?

Do they even like me around here?

I don’t think I’ll meet someone I like.

Say it, I dare you.

It’s not just fear, it’s knowing.

Am I what’s wrong?

Am I too unapproachable?

Do I look unhappy?

Do I scare people off?

Im trying to smile more.

What more I can I say?

It eats me up inside, every night, every day. Or just about.

It bothers me with so much passion.

I can change. I can be cuter

I can be nicer. I can be cooler.

But something’s wrong.

I can’t seem to shake that awful feeling.

What’s wrong with me?

Why isn’t THIS enough for men? Or anybody?

Why am I so broken?

Why can’t I just be solid enough, I don’t need to be perfect.

Why isn’t THIS meeting some of the standard?

I don’t understand.

I don’t know what’s wrong with me.

I’m just not enough, it’s never enough.

They don’t notice me, they don’t seem to care.

I try and give.

It’s just never good enough.

It’s not my blackness or my size or height or even my sense of humor.

I’m not that unique.

What is it about ME, that’s slightly off and not quite right?

My hesitation, my insecurity, my stubbornness, my naïveté.

If there is a person out there that sees something special in me.

Those things seem to keep getting in my way.

[butterflywoman]

don’t be that way

Wading in the apathy of going through the motions.

Waiting.

Not too lonely, not too quiet.

But soon, eventually.

A jolt of feelings again.

Pushing forward to more collapse.

Who breeds optimism?

Ambiance, ambivalence.

All waves of motion to stillness to motion.

Thoughtlessly moving.

Not persuading or pursuing.

Shell of hollows, nimble brain to fill time.

Just because.

There’s nothing that was.

Lonely still, lonely in motion.

[butterflywoman]

I feel love

I feel everything when you give me nothing.

I feel nothing.

I feel nothing.

If you’re not around, I feel nothing.

If you’re gone I want nothing.

I’m insecure,

I’m stupid

I’m a waste of space.

You give me everything.

I could only mean something if you’re around.

You give me everything.

[butterflywoman]

Theory of unluck

In general:

To except that my love life is somehow based off of fairness is a mistake.

I’m bound by a few factors; time , location, approachability and emotional investment.

Along with the heavy one: luck

If we live in a world with lucky and unlucky. It is right to assume that in some ways we will be lucky and others we will be unlucky.

I believe that in my love life, I’m not lucky.

Therefore expecting random chance meetings that blossom into beautiful relationships is relying on luck, which I do not have.

So it is better to then assume that I am unlucky and I will be alone for a long time.

Both circumstances and my own personal failures lead to an unsatisfactory disappointing love life.

One that leaves me empty.

And to me, it’s smarter to become comfortable in being alone.

I love love but I have to more forward not fixating on it.

There are people who often win and those who don’t. I may not win, but I create balance.

That’s an important piece to be.

[butterflywoman]

For his sake

You’re my favorite person.

When I see you, I genuinely smile.

It’s not often you meet someone so special, but I consider myself grateful, to be able to meet someone like you.

If only you could be around forever, even if only in passing I could be happy with that.

I hope I meet someone like you again.

I usually keep myself guarded to some degree but it’s hard to do that with you.

I wish I could just tell you everything.

I live with the feverish hope that I will find someone like you.

That I’ll one day be able to love someone as special.

On the edge of tomorrow, moving forward with you in mind

[butterflywoman]

Casted away

I hope I meet someone like you.

Bittersweet.

You exist, so love must be real.

Because I love you, love must be real.

I hope I meet someone that makes me feel the way you do.

Moving through it.

You’re around, so I must be doing okay.

Soon enough.

It may not be mutual, but at least you exist.

If not only, for the purpose of showing me that it’s real.

[butterflywoman]

lucky duck

I wish someone loved me, the way I loved you.

You have the safety net, carefully constructed pathways of getting back to home base.

Someone around, who loves you and accepts your secrets.

Someone with enough love to break most of your falls.

I wish that someone want to protect me, the way I wanted to protect you.

And I’m jealous because you have it and I’m stuck endlessly chasing after it.

[butterflywoman]

Sheet over you

She doesn’t like me mentioning things

She shuts down and walks away

Was I wrong?

Was I immature?

Maybe so

She used to talk to me most days

Now she avoids me in the hallway

She doesn’t want to share things

Maybe I shouldn’t sweat the simple things

Was I wrong?

Was I annoying?

Maybe so

She giggles with her other friends

She doesn’t tell me things like she used to do

Now I avoid her in the hallway

Maybe I shouldn’t take it so personally

Was I wrong?

Is it true?

Maybe yes

Maybe no

Maybe I’ll never know

[butterflywoman]

forced mistake

she won’t spit out because it’s caught up in her tongue

A ball of thread wound too tightly to be spoken

She’ll deny herself the passage way because she’s looking backwards

She won’t stop cutting people with her words

She uses rough language in rocky mouthscape to steer people away and draw them in

But I can see you

You’re wandering eyes are so clearly intrusive

And you will not accept the answers you’ve been given

so you’re chasing after the thing that hurts you most

You don’t have to punish yourself for love

Love doesn’t have to be tied to pain

Why do you do this to yourself, when the answers are so obvious?

Sit a while by yourself

Why can’t you be alone?

Maybe it’s because you want something that can’t be harnessed in materials

You have to capture it

The moment has already evaded your grasp.

She’s so soft she’s crumbling

She wants all the attention they could offer her

She’s so fragile she’s breaking

And what will we do with you when you’re in pieces?

you will be loved. You don’t need to worry anymore. you will be taken care of. it maybe hard to imagine but the love is coming.

[butterflywoman]

you let go, let it go

stop tending to the fruitless trees

The tree that stays bare most of the season

The tree that looks so promising but never fulfills

Stop tending to the fruitless pleads

The words that are big and soft but never amount to much

Those words won’t help you now

So stop tending to fruitless trees

[butterflywoman]

Losing it to your gesture

thinly veiled against a mark of scarasm and wit

it broke under my breath

The patience snapped out of my tightly wound mouth

I have been trapping all my annoyances ina bottle

And today a small piece of that bottle broke

[butterflywoman]

Look Thru The Trees

seized by confidence it’s only because you want to be the sun and the moon for me

What can I tell you about myself to stop some worthless cause

I’ve been patterned by the same old mistakes

The same old moods

Passing thru me

Whistle in the hollows of my chest

Everything has been so static

The body no longer can move with ease

I struggle to swim back up to a surface of happiness or good luck

I’m drowning in a pit of dark thoughts

Almost always cursing my tongue for being so open to the idea of sameness

I should change, I should learn to swim

But I don’t

And I keep my mouth closed

Don’t pity me out of the idea

It’s all connected to my inability to make changes

Sewing closed the window of time for optimal opportunity because of some depression

It’s all because of the same closed mouth

Maybe you still try to be my sun and my moon

But either way, the teeth are clenched

[butterflywoman]

magget brain

Sharp and tactical methods of growing spores on the brain

It’s allowed to prosper

It’s allowed itself festered with pain

Who are you when I’m not around

Do you cry because I’m gone

I hope you do

Save all that love for me

Give no one a taste

yield any questions they raise

Beautiful union of ours

[butterflywoman]

Therapy Lessons

you will open your eyes to the same reflection

You can’t hide it

There is nothing in the cards for someone who takes off with no direction

You will not escape it

It will follow you to the moon

You would get to the moon

Take out your mirror

And there it is again

No matter the distance

There it is

What ever is ailing you will not be solved by changing the scenery

It will not be solved by lusting and thrusting

It will not be solved by loving and hugging

It will not be solved by scoring and earning

It will not be solved by saving and spending

What is ailing you is you

Everywhere you go, there you are

[butterflywoman]

Call It Love For Now

You came in with the April rain

And you showered me with goodness

And graciousness

Who would have thought the universe would bring me something so precious

The extend and depth of this has not been fully implemented yet but I feel you

It’s still not fully ripe

It’s young and growing and moving and shaping

It has many more moons before it is love

But we can still call it something like that for short

I fear that if I truly say that it is, it won’t be

They say they’re shocked and they predict things for future concern said

But could it be?

Should we look so far ahead?

It is instinctively ingrained

To want to sustain

To aim to maintain

The feelings that are shared and passed with care

But will it still be there?

For now, you came in the April rain

And you’ve stayed with the August sun.

I can be at peace for now because it’s like that

It’s something like that for short