butterrrscotch

[butterrrscotch]

I Finally Found Good in Goodbye

— a KKN story part two.

Kantor Kecamatan Sukahaji, Kabupaten Majalengka. That was where our bus dropped us for the last time. I didn’t know every single person I met in that place. No one in my major got the same kecamatan with me. Everyone was a stranger. Don’t get me wrong, I tried to get along, a bit. I stand there in a corner holding my camera when everyone else took photos with their friends of the same major. “It’s okay Nadya.” I spoke quietly as I scrolled down whatever social medias I could scroll, enjoying 4G connection that would be over in anytime soon. A red car came to take our group to Desa Nanggewer. I didn’t really know how I felt that time. Until then, our car stopped in front of a green house.

Contrary to the weather before, there was no wind at all. The sun was the only one who took over the whole place. We took the suitcases out of the car. We met the Ibu. She pleased us to get in to the house with a smile and a strong sundanese accent. I must say it was a quite big house. What stand out the most when I first came in was the buah jambu. A plentiful of it served on the table. I have the exact same tree in my house but never been a fan of it. Anyway, enough with the jambu. We introduced ourselves and explained our intention for 40 days ahead. We did a small chit chats with Ibu that later we called as Emak Yanih.

I didn’t really recall what we did after that. We got two bedrooms to choose, of course one for the girls and the other for the boys. We also got one bathroom for the six of us. There’s a family room that later we use for eating, watching movies, working, ironing, playing cards, sleeping, aaand basically everything at any time.

The first several days were so far so good. We went to the kantor desa and met the employees. We introduced ourselves and so did them. We got a really warm welcome. We then explained our intention here and sought some help from them. We also did a desa tour several times. Well, here is the very first group picture we took in front of kantor desa.

Get along with these people wasn’t that hard after all. I didn’t do much talking, but hey I can get along too eventually. They basically say ayo to everything. Ayo kerjain ini. Ayo kerjain itu. Ayo produktif. Things started to get easier. Stories to stories started to came out from mouth to mouth. The link started to connect with one another. I started to know my mates one by one. (from left to right)

I used to have this guy best friend in junior high that is exactly like Batara—in neatness wise. I never thought that I would find this kind of friend again, especially to be my KKN mate. Both are real clean freaks, who take a bath two times a day, brush their teeth before breakfast, fold every clothes they could fold, etc etc that I could never imagined a boy would do. Contrary to his wickedness that out of this world, I must say that he is a super responsible person.

Afi is our manager. You know that timeline table that everyone sticks on the wall? She’s the one who made it exist in our group. “Itu sebenernya gua lu teh.” I got tired of this words but that’s her 24/7. Regardless of her tiny body, she claimed to be strong and never feel home sick, but yet she cried when she tried to swallow a single tablet :( Instant noodle and bubur bayi are her best friend. She ate rice once a week but when it comes to instant noodles, she ate that shit five times a day.

This girl is far from everyone thought she would be! Yes, Sari nyatok every single day, yes, she took a bath five hours a day, yes, she did diets when the rest of us eat with minimum 2 proteins in every meal. But, but, but in the other hand, she did ngulek and nguras bak every single time. No one would believe me if I told that. And the best thing is, she wants to be my friend and I don’t need to call her ka hahaha.

If there is one person to be blamed because of our gapuakness, it must be Icha. “Sahabat, ayo makan sahabat.” her signature sentence we heard around house at least 3 times a day. Thanks to her though, I can finally reached 47.5 kilos! She always had not-too-sweet hot tea and Egg Drops every single morning, lunch at 12.00, and dinner before 7—we succeed in ruining her meal time anyway. She is the ayo-est person of all. “Ayo produktiffffffffff.”

Jali. This guy has a really good persona. At least 50% people in campus probably know him. He really is mastered at talking in front of public. From outside, he might be the most rigid person in our group. But guess what? He is not as clumsy as I thought he would be! He jokes a lot—even those are super receh, he makes susu kental manis every single morning then put the spoon everywhere, he drinks coffee in five seconds, and he scratches.. everything.

We always eat our meal together. A l w a y s, on the carpet in the family room. We brought masakan Emak to the carpet and eat together in a circle. We somehow managed to make rujak evvvery week. Remember the buah jambu I told earlier? I never like any kind of jambu, really, but here, I ate that thing a lot. I think that was the only fruit I ate, and bananas. I’m not really enjoy martabak manis. That thing is way too sweet for my liking. Guess what? There in Majalengka, I ate that thing too, a lot. Now you know where my weights gain from.

Time was flying extra fast. Weeks after weeks passed by. We finished programs to programs that we’ve already planned in the beginning—not all were done as plan though, but, yeah. Daily routine never be as boring as I thought it would be. Guess what! I even didn’t feel home sick at all. I didn’t know how having siblings is way more exciting than I expect. We spent several time for trips. Shout out to Sari’s boyfriend to make those trips happened!

I never really know how it feels to have siblings. The only siblings that ever lived with me are just the five of them. We shared everything from snacks to soaps, from small talks to top secrets, from Korean dramas to Game of Thrones—even I still haven’t watch Korean dramas until now though. I finally knew that sharing really is caring. I never really share anything to anyone at home. But there, I learnt that I cannot eat all of the bakwan jagung that Emak made even though I like it a lot. Where at home, those would be all mine. I need to reconsider everything that I do, will this affecting them? Will that make them angry? Is it okay if I do this? Etc etc. All and all, having siblings really help me to live better. Oh yes! And do dishes and laundry are never been this extra fun with them!

I finally found good in goodbye. It is the hello after it. The hello where I finally get attached with these five new people in a strange place we’d never imagined, sharing 24 hours a day—well not particularly 24 hours—in 40 days, seeing each other faces from awake to fall asleep, from every breakfast to every dinner.

As much as I hate meeting new people, these new people are the ones I would never regret meeting. Even if we gathered because of coincidence, this is probably the best coincidence I’ve ever gotten. Thank you mates, thank you for the willingness to share everything with me from day to day.

Frankly speaking, I love every single one of you, and I couldn’t ask God for more.

Ps. In case my letter lost in the future, you know where to go to recall our stories.

[butterrrscotch]

Until that Time, I Couldn’t Find any Good in Goodbye

— a KKN story part one.

I still haven’t gathered my things up D-3 before KKN. I cried in silence every time I remember that I need to leave house to go somewhere I don’t want with people I don’t even know. You know, I always hate new people. I hate introduction. I hate socializing. But, what I hate the most among all is that I hate leaving my room, and mum, and dad.

The longest period where I left home without parents was 20 days. And it was for Bali. A place I would never resist. It has all I wanted in life, shore, sand, and wave. Unfortunately, my KKN place doesn’t have those things in common. But anyway, that’s not the point.

Mum finally forced me to pack my things up D-2 before departure. And I packed. I packed Piff—my pink ukulele, GGM—dearest monkey doll, pillow, bolster, blanket, and everything that would remind me of home. That was the silliest thought that ever crossed my mind. With those not-so-necessary things, I even don’t have space for clothes. I finally left Piff, pillow, and bolster at home, dying without love and will be covered with dust as I left. The only thing I could carry was GGM, because he is so small that I can put him inside my camera bag. “Good bye friend, you will never be forgotten.” I whispered as I left them at my room.

The last night before departure was the hardest. I couldn’t sleep. I was cuddling my bolster, holding back the tears. I tried to write a mail to say goodbye to someone whom I no longer get attached in the past few weeks. I cried harder as I typed paragraph to paragraph, tried to say sorry and goodbye. I think that is one of many things that could relieve my sadness in the end.

The bus will be leaving Bogor at 3 early in the morning. Dad woke me up at 2. I cried again in silence. When our car moves, I cried as I left the house, I cried as I left pintu gerbang Sektor 6. The weather was so cold and miserable, and so was I. Until that time, I couldn’t find any good in goodbye.

Dad finally parked the car. “We’re here.” He said. I’m not ready. I’ve never been ready. I was so denial about everything. He took out my pink luggage and pink backpack out of the car. “I’m going to search my friends.” In fact, I was crying again as I turned my body away from them. I was not really searching but then Icha and Afi showed up in the crowd, took their suitcases out of a black car. “Hi!” I tried so hard to be friendly. They didn’t really answer my greeting. Oh well, I thought it was too early to say hi. So I walked away made an excuse to find a seat in our bus.

Everything packed up in the bus. I picked up a seat next to the window. Tagged another seats for Afi, Icha, and Sari. “Oh, someone’s already tagged me a seat.” Sari said when Afi offered her the seat. Well okay.. then, I guess? I should’ve cared less. Mum and dad were still there until the bus moved. I waved my hand to them, surprisingly, I didn’t shed a tear even a bit. I thought that was a good start. So, here we go, Majalengka. “Please be kind.” I talked to myself as I crossed my finger.

It took more or less 5 hours to finally arrive at Alun-Alun Majalengka. The city was so windy to the point where it freezes me even the sun was shining so bright. Have I told you that I cannot stand a cold weather? I even cannot take bath with cold water. At home, at least. We gathered up in a hall. The snacks are all I could remember, it was so good! And because of the snacks I finally can get attached with Afi and Icha, but not Sari, not yet. Anyway, she’s my senior in high school, all I ever thought that time was I don’t think that she would make friends with me. I once met Jali out of the building. I tried to smile and say hi. Unfortunately he turned away as I try to form a smile on my face. Whoa, wrong start again, Nadya. After the ceremonial thing has done, I walked away to get in to the bus. And this last guy, Batara, he asked me to take a picture of him in front of Balaikota. O.. okay? Who are you? Have we met before?—Said me to myself with the awkwardness I have since birth. 

It was a start after all. That was the start. 

Not the good one though, not yet.

[butterrrscotch]

A Brief Letter for 12 Yo Nadya

Hi, Nedja!

I am, well, You, in a maturer version. I haven’t fully grown up yet, but yes you can consider me as one. What you’ll read down bellow are 99% true and non sense, so it is your right to take this letter as a consideration for your future self or not. 

Why do I write to you is because I need to.. write..(?) See, you’re starting to read non sense paragraph. But deep down, I know you know that we actually are always write due to our solitary time  which is every time. I know that you haven’t figured your personality type this time. You know what? We’re an INTP. Please read as much article related to it because psychology won’t lie. You’ll be so confused why on earth you can’t be cheered up by any cheering sentences even from your loved ones. Don’t be surprised because it is okay, you don’t have any psychological issues toward this.  

Life won’t go as smooth as what you thought. Things might happened the way you don’t want it to happen. Sorry to say this, but you’re not going to get in to your dreamed high school. I know this is sad, but life is life anyway. The good thing is you’ll graduated like Flash! Wusssh! And you’ll have that person who’ll accompany you through your hard time in the last year of high school. He really is a fun guy who’ll cheer you up 24/7. So don’t worry mate, everything is in control.

You said that you want to be accountant like Mum. I know that you like math that much, but as time goes by, you'll know it’s not your thing. About International Relations.. believe me you’re not going to like it once you read politics. And about English Literature, you can take that as a consideration too, because frankly, I still think about it sometimes. I wanted to say that designing is fun, I know you’re not good at drawing, but please try to figure graphic designing as soon as possible  even I know Mum won’t let you get into designing major soon in university. Oh yes! Please please please keep crafting, you’ll thank me (and God) later soon you got in to Uni. *Pssh try to figure Communication major out*

You know, life will be even harder as you grow older. As you turn 17, everything that is related to yourself are then your own responsibility. I don’t know how, but my affection toward others  as if parents, friends, or someone you find in the street  is also increasing significantly. What make it strange is, as I grow older, the urge to having so many friends is surprisingly decreasing. I think I’ve gone to far in limiting myself between people. But I know you’re not going to be bothered because of this because as we know, our solitary moments are better than anything else. Just promise me you won’t hang your life to someone. Please remember that you have your own life.

Hey mate, I can’t promise you a bright future, because just like you, I’m still struggling to find the lights, too. The main stream haven’t showed me anything real yet, and something inside me told me to keep on the side stream. If you ask me do I still be that anti mediocre girl, haha pathetically yes I am. That makes me to think and work harder sometimes, but it is all worth the pain in the end. 

So what I wanted to tell you is.. be tough. Because a slight thought of death will cross your mind once in a while. And managing a funeral is not as simple as a suicidal desire.

Good luck,

18-Year-Old Nadya.

[butterrrscotch]

Lights

I remember things.

I remember what did my Demography’s lecture wear on our 7th meeting on Wednesday afternoon. 

I remember what did my lover say in the middle of the rain on March 31.

I remember the sadness I feel in every broken hearts.

I remember how did I fall to a water canal in front of my house when I was 4.

I remember the smile of my (alm) grandpa every time he bought me Soto for my lunch when I was 3. 

I remember the happy, the sad, the butterflies, the nightmares, even a very little thing people don’t think I would remember, I remember. 

I don’t think that I can interact well with people in the past few years. It is hard for me to tell my feelings, my stories, my anxieties, even to my closest friends. I can’t believe anyone else besides myself. Because of that, all memories that I remembered tend to fill my brain over and over again. It is like, I keep filling my brain with memories but never throw any of it away. I ever thought that my brain couldn’t hold any more memories and will eventually explode sometimes, but well, it could.

I ever wish that God could erase my memories, or at least those which remind me of hurts and sadness. But then again, those memories make me become who I am. Yes, I’m not that person who everybody looked at all the time, but I think I’m grateful enough being who I am now. Also I have that side of me who always tell me that I can do more because I am that good. (being over confident isn’t that bad after all)

Because this is the last day of 2015, I want to thank God for every memory I got, for every lesson I learned, and for every sweet thing that ever crossed my path, thank you. Let time heal what it should to be healed.

And for everyone who wasted their money on wine at bar counting down to midnight,

Happy New Year 2016.

[butterrrscotch]

1:46 AM//

Farewell, farewell to the Sun.

All hail to the Rain.

I saw the Rain came by, along with a big storm.

“You said you love the Rain.” said the Sun.

“So I came here bring you the Rain.”

All hail the Rain.

I saw the Sun walking away, taking all the shine with him.

“You can never have two of us.”

“So I choose to leave.”

Farewell Sun, farewell.

I hate farewell

“Can you please stay?”

“Ask the Moon.”

[butterrrscotch]

Saturday Morning Rain is Falling

After so many time the rain isn't falling in the morning, it is now falling.

The petrichor scent start to flying around my room.

The weather is so nice till I couldn't do anything besides cuddling with my bolster.

The sound of the rain is really warming the morning

People said that rain always brought you memories. And yes, today it brings me memory.

Back then when I was still in Junior High School,

I miss how I spent my rainy morning by going to school with Dad.

And when I arrived, everyone were busy putting off their umbrella in front of the class.

I like how the school was wet because everybody's wet shoe.

No one can stand without sweater. Sweater weather, they said.

Even the temperature was below standard, I'm sure everyone felt really warm those days.

Reminiscing good old days,

nice huh?

I should make myself a cup of either hot cappuccino or hot tea, I know.

(thanks to tumblr for the picture!)

[butterrrscotch]

Everyone, meet Piff.

[butterrrscotch]

In The Middle of Doing Assignments

Well, hi?

A bit long time since I posted my last post, I think—? I actually feel really awkward every time I’m about to write something. I don’t know whether it is because I am that awkward or my ability to write is decreasing or I’m just over confident that my writings are that good enough.

Huh, so, after several months, I met shoooo many new buds on campus! So many of them are really nice to me but I don’t think that I like the atmosphere and all that tradition stuffs here. Am I that bad because I’m not be grateful for what I’ve got?

You know, I applied for an international organization on campus. And I failed. On the first selection. Am I that bad because I felt really sure would pass the test?

Anyway, I just finished my mid-term test. The score are coming out this week. I know Mum won’t be proud of me because I’m underestimating that the test will be easy. But in fact, those test are totally assholes. Am I that bad because I oversimplified everything?

I don’t get it why I can’t be mature enough for facing everything. I’ve reached my seventeen six months ago, but why I still be that girl who doesn’t know what is important and what is not. I still be that girl who can’t control emotions.

"Manage me, I’m a mess Turn a page, I’m a book Half unread I wanna be laughed at Laughed with, just because I wanna feel weightless And that should be enough But I’m stuck in this fucking rut Waiting on a second hand pick me up And I’m over, getting older If I could just find the time Then I would never let another day go by I’m over, getting old

Maybe it’s not my weekend But it’s gonna be my year And I’m so sick of watching while the minutes pass as I go nowhere And this is my reaction To everything I fear Cause I’ve been going crazy I don’t want to waste another minute here”                    —Weightless, All Time Low

Cause I’ve been going crazy I don’t want to waste another minute here.

I don’t want to waste another minute here.

I don’t want to waste

another minute,

here.

[butterrrscotch]

Saturday 23rd August 2014 // 7.19 PM bitter coffee running through my throat while watching street lights going nowhere

[butterrrscotch]

If I must be the one who thrown away by every one I called my dearest, then okay. If I must be the one who thrown away with no acceptable reasons, then okay. If I must be the one who thrown away by every nice messages, late night accompany, and sincere smile I gave; then, okay.

—Nadya's 1:12 AM thoughts.

[butterrrscotch]

A Freshman

I just passed my first two weeks of college and guess what, I'm pretty excited about what I'm gonna find out next. Is it a kind of freshmen fever? Oh well, I don't know because I never felt this kind of excitement after so many years! (( I should thank God a lot, I know ))

So it all started when I first stepped my feet to IPB's gate. Not literally stepping, but, you know. It was June 17, I came for my first registration. My heart beat a bit faster when I can't find familiar faces. Because first, "These people are not in the same generation as me." Second, "This people come from all around Indonesia!". I kept repeating that sentence when I just realized, a l l a r o u n d I n d o n e s i a, dudes.

Then it comes the day when I must get in to dormitory. I set everything up in my new room with Mum. And. I. Cried. When. Mum. And. Dad. Left. Even until now, I sometimes cry when there's nobody around. Because of this situation, I realized I love my parents that much.

The first day of class has started. I got 7 meeting with lecture. He was a nice guy, really! I learned that college treats their students as a grown-up. You can do whatever you want and teachers are not responsible for your deeds anyway. It seriously depends on yourself.

I ever once rode a bicycle back and forth for 3 days, not because I don't have any activity but because I didn't get a-should-get-letter on my registration. So it was about 11 AM, I went to Gedung Rektorat asking for my letter and the staff said that I should find it at the other building. Then I went back to the other building and the staff said that I should go to the second floor of Gedung Rektorat. I was fasting that day, and I must do my assignments so I decided to take it on the next day. And yes, I did it alone on the next 2 days + attended class + did my assignments. 

My first test on college comes eventually. It really spin your brain. You can't cheat. You can't even peek. Well, a good luck really helps.

What I learned from my first 2 weeks are;

College is not as easy as high school. They really handed you a full pack of responsibility for your own. College is careless. College is just not as simple as study. College is good for your health. College is about respecting. College is everything in between. And..

College is fun! 

[butterrrscotch]

A Get-Away

This is 16:31, Thursday afternoon. 

I just ruined my almost-4 years-blog. So decided to make a whole new page on tumblr—or I may count this as a whole new page as a College Student.

Know me more @nxdyn.

Well, こんにちは!