butwebothstillsayiloveyou

[butwebothstillsayiloveyou]

yes im a girl. yes im a boy. we exist.

[butwebothstillsayiloveyou]

*handwrites you a tender, homoerotic love letter*

*handwrites you a tender, homoerotic love letter*

*handwrites you a tender, homoerotic love letter*

*handwrites you a tender, homoerotic love letter*

*handwrites you a tender, homoerotic love l

[butwebothstillsayiloveyou]

Ughhhhhhh. The problem is that like I’ve dated and I’ve loved before but I don’t think I’ve ever really been in love like this. Like I saw a post that was like “if we’re dating you can lie down on top of me anytime” and I almost reblogged it to this blog with the tag “this but literally only them” and then stopped with the thought “well, I figure if we’re dating, we’d be that in love too hypothetically.”

But like. No. I don’t think so. I think this is it and I am this in love and if they can’t sort out what they’re feeling I’m never gonna resent that but also like idk what I’m ever gonna do but stay clinging to whatever closeness I can get in this weird maybe-pining, maybe-requited-but-still-pining space.

[butwebothstillsayiloveyou]

there’s something so wonderful about the whole “i don’t know how long i’ve been in love with you. maybe i always have been” type of romance that makes me cry

[butwebothstillsayiloveyou]

[butwebothstillsayiloveyou]

I’m..... waiting for them and I’m in love with them and I don’t know what to do, because there’s no reason to SAY anything about how difficult it is to be waiting for them because it would never change my decision to love them or at least I’m not in a position where it would now. 

But if we.... love each other, and we kiss each other, and we might have sex with each other, and we say we’re going to be important to each other and love each other forever, isn’t that at least some kind of relationship with commitment? They have experience dating where it’s never really defined as romantic and platonic because it’s just dating, and that’s okay with them. So what is the dating feeling? What defines that separately in their head? Why aren’t we dating?

The thing is, I’m monogamous and they’re polyamorous. And so if they were in my position, they wouldn’t be waiting for me, but my feelings..... actually don’t really work like that. I would have to fall out of love with them to fall in love with someone else, I think. And I don’t really want to do that, ever, and so maybe some of that is a fear of them falling in love with/developing dating feelings for me too late and maybe it’s just how I feel about them, but the thing is- 

They aren’t stringing me along. Communication is really clear, and I wasn’t lead to expect anything different. And if they don’t change anything, at least right now my actions won’t change. They aren’t forcing me to do anything or giving me any affection I don’t want, even in our current format. This isn’t something where one party toys with another’s emotions, or isn’t responsible with them. If they don’t date me, I don’t want them to stop being like this, so I won’t deliver that ultimatum. Basically, I don’t feel like “either decide to date me or don’t act like [x].” So all I would be doing, if I approached them like this:

“I think I’m... waiting for you, and I think I’m going to keep doing that whatever you do, but I just want you to know that. Because I’m monogamous and don’t really think I’m wired for polyamory, the way my heart works, I think I might have to fall out of love with you to fall in love with someone else, and I know I can intentionally fall out of love with someone—really, like, in that context of moving on, you gotta, you know? and it takes active effort and that means active effort can do it, it’s about shifting how I look at you—and I also never want to fall out of love with you.

“And so I don’t even really expect you to do anything about this, I don’t know what I could expect of you, but I just- it matters to me that you know. That I really will never stop loving you and never stop caring about you and never leave you and that doesn’t need to exist with romantic commitment and I don’t know if me feelings now and the way I feel about you now will be the way I feel later, of course I don’t, I just know I’ll always love you and that can take other forms if we were dating I know it might come up that we might break up just like you’ve generally said you don’t know if what you want right now will be what you want forever, but also- I guess I don’t know why we’re not dating. And it feels really hard. Because I love you, and this feels so close to dating if we were calling it that, and then I wouldn’t be this kind of perpetually single and I know that polyamory is a choice but I don’t think it’s how my heart works.

“Or- just, my future partner is going to need to be okay with my friend who I make out with, and I don’t know why that partner right now isn’t just you. It’s okay. It is okay. It just means that like, my dating pool is severely limited, and I hope you know what I’m like- in.“

...is guilting them. There’s no reason to. There’s no reason to say any of that, but I think there is reason and room to say:

“I’m in love with you.”

I’m deciding whether and when to. No, mostly, I’m deciding when. If it’s still true, then. I want to see if it will stay true.

There’s nothing good but guilting that comes from the previous statement, though, the one I keep thinking and know they will be so receptive to but it would hurt them so hard and I wouldn’t want anything from it and if they did date me after that, it would have the emotional confusion of potentially being part motivated by guilt. I don’t want to found a relationship on doubts or things I can doubt or things they can doubt about their feelings and internal motivations, creating that stress.

That’s why vent blogs exist.

[butwebothstillsayiloveyou]

I’m SO screwed I’m in love with them. 

[butwebothstillsayiloveyou]

[butwebothstillsayiloveyou]

My breasts miss your lips, My chest, your chest But mostly your hand, your presence, your voice your back beside my back

I can’t miss your soul because it’s here and I feel it not through a screen but through words words transcend that. 

[butwebothstillsayiloveyou]

i miss you, but this distance has nothing on us

[butwebothstillsayiloveyou]

when you grow but the walls around you stay the same

[butwebothstillsayiloveyou]

[butwebothstillsayiloveyou]

I shouldn’t be in love and this horrible a person at the same time

okay that’s done sorry about it

[butwebothstillsayiloveyou]

“You know you’re in love when you can’t fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams.”

Dr. Seuss (via goodreadss)