bvdblog-blog

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a letter to mc...

ive thought about you alot this week. and by alot i mean 3 or 4 times compared to the maybe once a week. idk i go through periods where all i do is wish that we could be together and then periods of not even remembering you exist.

i really hate that you will always have a hold on me and you will never know that. you will never know how many times i lay there wishing you would have liked me instead of sabrina. you will never know how i got so excited when i followed you on twitter and hoped that you would notice but then got sooo sad when you didnt. you will never know the fact that even when im married and have someone who will give me all the praise and treat me well...that i will still want you. you will never know that if you came up to me right now and asked to be together i wouldnt even have to think. i would say yes in a second without any thought behind it. you would never know that i stifle talking about you to my friends because i dont want them to judge me for still wanting someone from 6 years ago. you will never know that after i told you i liked you and you wrote me a hela long paragraph about how you were flattered but not into me but that im amazing and will fing someone... the next day at school i cried my eyes out. i had such mixed emotions. i liked that you gave me so many compliments but all i wanted was for you to agree with me and want me back. you wil never know how i absolutely drooled over you when you wore the black button up with red tie. 

you will never know that you were the first...and really only...person ive been in love with.

how can i stil feel hat way even when we graduated 6 years ago? 

I HAVE NO IDEA

you were nice to me one on one and we were able to talk so deeply. but then in your group you ignored me. how can i want someone like that? you admittedly arent the most attractive guy ive came across(not that im any pretty penny). you rejected me twice when i told you i liked you. you like thick women but not someone who is anywhere near as big as me. you barely payed attention to me. probly even made fun of me in your group. yet i always wanted you. still do. so bad.

ive always thought in general id be such a good girlfriend. i mean clingy af yeah. but idk lik....i think i would be cuz i want(ed) you so bad and adored the idea of us together that i would treat you so well.

why couldnt u ever give me a chance? why couldnt u ever look past my fatness and see that we would be so good together? why couldnt you like me lik you did sabrina? why couldnt you see that i would make you happy?

why cant you notice me now? why cant you love me?

why cant i get over you? what the fuck is it about you that has such a damn hold on me anymore.

ugh fuck you. fuck you for getting in my head and not even know it!!! fuck you for not giving me a chance to show you how great i am and coud treat you. 

fuck you....but at the same time....i love you. and always will.

maybe some day youll know this. maybe not.

[bvdblog-blog]

the stress is reeeaaallllllll. . with school increasing unit wise and work load wise...and trying to find another job that will give me stability and enough money to survive....oi.

but im taking this week for self care and taking care of my mental health and mind because i know i wont have time for that once school hits. 

im having alot of anxiety for this stressful time to come but i know it wont las forever. only one more year. itll go quick. hopefully.

i had a really good day today and im looking to make that  last the rest of this week!

[bvdblog-blog]

20s are a weird age. there are some days where i feel extremely confident and put together and like im on the right path. but then the other days im a wreck. constantly second guessing myself. hating everything including myself.i know iim doing s well for myself considering my age but still. i get so bothered so easily. 

to top it off, everyone around me seems to be crumbling and in their own weird situation so i cant go to them. which i hate. i am always ere to listen to everyone no matter what. but i always feel lik i cant go to people and vent. idk why. i know they would listen.

i hope.

kt is goin through shit with her parents medical problems. shes either sleeping, doesnt have her phone near her,helping her parents do something,at andrews,  or doesnt check her phone. its so difficult to get into contact with her that shes become so unreliable. i know its not her fault but it makes me angry. i wold never tell her that but it makes me so mad. ive been such a good friend to her n  now when i need someone shes so dispondant. jaime is always telling me how hes stressed with school and doesnt seem happy. so i cant go to him. robert doesnt talk to me anymore. neither does andrew. daniel always seems to live in a weird lala land. plus he doesnt get super deep and that bothers me. paige. jesus paige. idk i know i take things offensively right away n i did tht with her. but idk i felt lik she was telling me she just needs to do her own thing for a while. she said its nothing against e she just have to figure stuff out and give herself the self care she needs. which i get. but GOOOODDDDDDDDDDDD i am always there for her ranting and outbursts. why cant she be there for me in the same way. she also told me she has a new friend whos vegan and down to earth and they get along so well. well whipty fucking doo! nice to know ill be getting replaced soon. not that i think shed do it on purpose but i know paige and i kn ow this is the type of person she vibes with and what he needs. so bye to me.

idk i just cant stand when I feel lik i place importance on my friends and put them as number one in my life and as people who i will always give my full attention to but yet they dont give it the same,

i hate when i put someone first but im not their first.

which yeah i guess is a bit unfair. but like come on. i see myself as a good friend. why cant othrs be the same to me.

i look at it also lik many of my friends have a 2. they have a pair that go with them and i dont have one. i did for a while. paige. but thats fading quickly. i think thats why i always want a bf so bad. someone to love me and be with me when everyone else leaves me for other people.

these days are getting lonely. ive always been someone who can survive on my own and deal with my shit quietly and privately. and i will continue to be that. but that doesnt mean i dont want people to worry about me and ask about me and care.

sometimes i think ive portrayed the strong girl image so much that people bypass my struggles and assume im ok. which is my own fault to a point but it sucks. i hate it. i struggle so much mor than anyone ever thinks and i want people to notice it. 

i want someone to ask me how i am so i can bawl my eyes out and tell them im not ok. i want someone to put effort into my well being. i want someone to care. 

ugh i know people do. i know. but its just frustrating. i dont want to be the strong person anymore. i want to be the person that my friends wanna help or care about. 

i wanna be someones number one

[bvdblog-blog]

god it been almost two weeks since i posted. i had an amazing vacation in sf with my best friend and i got back to reality and things just suck rn. all around. so many stressors and uncertainty. i cant write rn im too tired but hopefully within the next two days i can get back into this. i will. im very blank rn but also sad and stressing and miserable but also doing good?

FUCK EMOTIONS. over it hahah. ill be in touch in a few days

[bvdblog-blog]

You know you've reached peak obesity when you have to ask for a seatbelt extender on a plane. AND when the flight attendant doesn't need to ask what you need. When she can automatically assume by looking at you what you rang the bell for. Peak fatness👌🏼

[bvdblog-blog]

theres alot i want to write about on this subject but for today itll be short. maybe. who knows. 

i was made fun of so much in elementary and jr high school. so much. i could cry just thinking about it. at school and home. but school hit me hella hard. i could write a book about all the shit i was told all the names i was called how many people laughed at me in school. mostly by boys too. it sucked. 

sometimes ill just sit and think about it and just cry. as im doing now. lik how crazy it was to sit through that constant taunting and ridicule. i grew up in those years heavily believing that i would never ever find someone who would think i was beautiful. i would never be appealing to someone. they would never want me.i grew up thinking i was fucking disgusting and nasty and that i didnt deserve even a blink in my direction. i grew up believing that typical basic good looking boys would never like someone like me. i still believe that. 

i have such a hatred for those type of men now. i pay no attention to them in any type of setting, i notice i dont look at me like that because i assume and i know they werent lookin at me like im attractive so im not gonna give them the time of day. im sure i come off snobby and like one of those plus size girls whos all body positive and in everyones face and not gonna be bothered by anyones comments. but its not like that at all. i cant take one more horibble comment from a basic boy so i dont give them the chance to say it. or at least say it to me.

i hate it. they control my thoughts even now 10 years later. fuck them. fuck their words. god it makes me so angry, i wanna strangle them or get revenge so much. i used to always want to lose wight to come back from summer and show the how hot n pretty i would be. but it never happened.

what would they say now? would they still give me such defaming names. do they even know the things they said to me hurt me so much?

ben. alex perez. chuy. nick. tommy. amanda negrete. christian. vincent. jalen. bryan. paul. mom. sister. fuck yall. one day itll come your way and youll hurt more than i ever did. 

as horrible as that is to say i hope it happens even a small bit. i dont know if ill ever come out of believing im not good enough and i have yall to thank for that. 

[bvdblog-blog]

(this is all over the place. but this entire situation makes my mind go all over the place. i have so many thoughts on this and them so heres a snippet of it)

all throughout high school i had “the nice friend”” syndrome. or at least thats what i call it. who knows if that actually what it is but oh well. basically, no matter if i was in the wrong or not in a situation, i would apologize. if a friend was mad at me for either something i did to piss them off or for no reason, i would apologize because i absolutely HATE when someone is mad at me. i can’t stand not being liked. i freaked out because i didn’t want that person to spread things about me and make other people not like me. stupid i know. but i did it all the time!!

i can remember so many specific times where i would try to confront someone or let my feelings be known or just try and be a good friend and if someone didn’t agree with me and got mad at me for expressing my feelings, i would instantly apologize for what i was saying or doing even if didn’t believe i needed to. i just didn’t wanna lose them. ironically it was mostly when people were treating me like shit. with sepia, ryan, michael wilson, and its more and especially as the years have gone by kt.

it very much stems from feeling abandoned by people i have lost as friends over the years. i absolutely hate that feeling and did and still do what i can to prevent that. it makes me feel worthless and unloveable.

i am trying extremely hard these days to break away from that. i am trying to not allow people to manipulate me into thinking that i am wrong and i HAVE to be the one to make things right even when I’m innocent or not in the wrong.

with the whole andrew situation, I’m trying not to let them convince me that I’m in the wrong. he has yet to tell me himself that he’s hurt. he has yet to talk to me himself and explain his feelings but I’m supposed to voluntarily go too I’m and profusely apologize and ask for his friendship back?

no.

no.

no.

i have moments where i feel guilty for causing tension. maybe i am being a jerk? maybe this is a time where i aww wrong?

but i mean ugh! i am trying to give myself more worth than that!! ok yes i didn’t defend him for deleting daniel off marco polo but that isn’t the end if the world!!!!!!! i could do so many worse things in life. its not like i stole from him to called him some horrible name or something. i just didn’t wanna get involved. andrew didn’t even defend himself very well fuck. if it wasn’t for kt i wouldn’t even know he was upset.

n yes yes yes i know he didn’t ask kt to tell me anything but i know for a FACT that he told her with hoped that she would let me know. he isn’t stupid. he knows how to get to her. he knows she would hate there being tension between us and she would end up telling me.

so fuck him. fuck him for not being an adult. fuck him for snaking around his own issues and making kt deal with it. fuck him for causing tension between me and kt. fuck him for making her think I’m wrong and a bad friend.

if theres one thing i hate is when someone tells me I’m a bad friend. I’ve allowed so many people do it before-hence the constant apologizing and damage control when i didn’t need to- I’m not gonna let it happen anymore.

I’m trying my hardest to better myself these days. to not allow people to manipulate me or get into my head. fuck that. i need to be my own person, have my own thinking patterns. i need to distance myself from toxic people who victimize themselves and place their issues on me so they won’t have to focus attention on themselves. fuck that.

i did hurt andrew, yes. i can admit that. but not until he talks to me first.

the thing i i am not upset the me and andrew are not friends anymore. our friendship was at a point that it wasnt giving me anything anymore. i want benefiting from it. yes i its him but i miss the old him.

I’m more upset that its affecting kt and also affecting how i view myself. i hate that I’m questioning myself and my worth because of this little bullshit situation that means nothing in life.

but no more. i have so much going for me I’m not gonna let them bring me down.

fuck that. fuck them. not needed.

i am a good friend. i am a good person,

you will not tell me otherwise.

[bvdblog-blog]

im annoyed. 

kt is on me today about the andrew situation. she says she doesnt like that i talk about it with jaime or other people which is definitely understandable. but all i kept telling her is that it comes from concern tht she isnt making the right decisions for her life. n she just keeps brushing that off. 

its frustrating cuz she clearly is making poor decisions but because she loves andrew or whatever she thinks im in the wrong for talking to people about it.

also she says her n andrew never talk about me? which i think is A FUCKING LIE! like im tired of having to tread on eggshells around this topic when im one of the only people who express concern for my best friend. 

i know shes sensitive because she knows im right its just aggrivating when im viewed as wrong or a bad friend when im the exact fucking opposite of that. 

this just brings up my feelings of not wanting to put myself around negativity anymore. its just hard cuz kt is my sister my best friend. i wanna be around her and have fun. its jst when andrew is around or brought up things get weird n i dont wanna be around her.

i really gotta evaluate where i want this friendship to go and if i need to set clear boundaries now. i have also been thinking about apologizing to andrew just to ease tension and also because of the enlightening weekend i had. idk. i dont wanna give kt or andrew what they want but i am also tired of this. idk.

[bvdblog-blog]

looongggg time no post! but thats ok. its been for good reason.

this weekend i went up to norcal for a festival called wanderlust. it was a music/yoga/mindfullness/wellness festival and it was AMAZING. it was extremely different than anything i would ever do on my own but I’m soon glad i went!

so i went with kaye and tea from school and teas boyfriend tim. i was so freakin honored that they asked me to go and hang out with them solely based on what they saw of me from class. like i would never do that but they reached out to me and i felt so special! like it was so nice to feel like someone wanted to be my friend even if they didn’t know too much about me.

i was soon nervous driving to kaye house because what if she didn’t like me? what if the car ride was awkward. but it was so nice and not awkward at all! kaye is fucking 37 which blew my damn mind. n i kinda had a weird view of her for a minute cuz i was like wait wtf what can we relate on now? but the whole ride we just talked about our lives and stuff we’ve been through. she’s very hippy and zen and not girlie like i am. complete opposites. but we related on so much! like just how we view the world body issues and stuff like that.

anyways our cabin was in truckee which was fukcing beautiful and right on donner lake! super small but super adorable. i knew it was gonna be a good weekend.

tea and tim showed up and tea is a full of energy asian who i absolutely love! tim was super sweet and you could tell he was very attentive and not gonna be someone who would make it awkward that they were a couple with two single girls.

it as so refreshing to be around not only people who i could vent my life away to about school but also people who were positive and genuinely wanting me around to have a good time.  i felt like i had known them for years. it was easy to talk to them. we drank wine and ate ruffles and i wasn’t self conscious about how i looked.

i was nervous for the actual festival but it was so great! getting our hair and glitter done then amplified vinyasa which was WORK. omg I’ve never been so active in an hour period time. but it was so enlightening. the man was very uplifting and positive. made me feel okay to be me but also okay to want to work on myself if thats what i want. i set a challenge for myself for no soda or fast food for 40 days and hopefully long after that and i want to stick to that no matter what!

we did hula hooping after which sucked for me but thats ok. I’m not gonna be good at everything. mural painting which i loved and then we had some good food and drinks. it was so nice to be able to relax around them as if wed been friends for years.

then the hike. OMG the hike/ the hardest thing I’ve ever physically done. i wanted to cry at one point n was contemplating telling them to leave me to go up to the top. it was so difficult. so steep wth a ton of fucking rocks. i felt so awful and sorry about myself and embarrassed as fuck! but they were completely understanding and helped me as much as possible along the way.  when we got to the top it was one of the most rewarding and beautiful things I’ve ever experienced. a guy playing his cello quietly and possible where everyone was just quiet and listening to the music. seriously exactly what i needed in that moment. I’ve never felt so in tune with myself as cliche as that sounds.

after we took pictures on the waterfall on the way down which was super cute and funny! like i can’t get over how comfortable they made me feel. i absolutely hate how i look in those pictures but i ADORE the pictures because of who i was with and what i was doing. it was way to fun. tim also was helping me with where i should step so i wouldn’t fall and just overall being such a support for me. we got more drinks after that and I got some crystals as souvenirs. it was great. we ended the night with a silent disco which was so much fucking fun.everyone wearing headphones but also listening to the same thing  and just not giving a fuck and dancing around like fools doing whatever we wanted. I’ve never experienced something like it but i absolutely loved it. i felt so comfortable with my group and i could not be more thankful

on sunday we said bye to tea and tim and we had lunch with kaye friend and her family which was equally as cool. i felt comfortable around them even though id never met them before. our drive home was long and exhausting and a bit awkward at times only cuz i didn’t know what to talk about anymore. but nonetheless i still really enjoyed being around kaye.

overall this weekend was fucking amazing. to be around people id never met before who made me feel wanted and comfortable is something i will never forget or take for granted. to see kaye at 37 still not too sure of what she’s doing in life but still trying to make a career was so encouraging. they never once made me feel like i was different for my weight or how i wasn’t always able to keep up. or even the fact that I’m not outdoorsy or into yoga and zen stuff like they are.

I’m on a very emotional high which i know isn’t gonna last very much longer but thats okay. I’m so happy i got to do this. it inspired e to start taking care of myself physically and mentally but not put so much pressure on myself to complete it or else. I’m also excited for whats to come about hanging with them in the future for whatever is gonna happen.

i have so many things to write about even from this weekend. more than this. but for now, I’m just gonna enjoy the memories i have. I’m gonna try to be positive for my session with mario tomorrow. its gonna be weird seeing them in class knowing that i saw them this weekend outside of the VAC format but I’m also happy knowing i have new friends from school and friends i can sit with at graduation!

happy girl at the moment. happy girl :)

[bvdblog-blog]

been a bit since i wrote but omg ive been so busy working and when im not working im constantly fitting time in with my friend or family. which isnt a bad thing. things are going okay. im staying on top of my school work. working steadily even though alot of it is sitting and not getting anything done. but im going away this weekend and then again in 2 weeks with noora which i am so excited about!

ive had a bit of a epiphany lately and its such a weird feeling.

ive always been jealous of kt n andrews relationship. thats no secret. i hate that i get jealous but i do.  it comes from times in high school where i constantly felt that people chose others over me and i wasnt a good enough friend. or i wasnt fun enough or good enough for them to want to spend time with me. thats a whole other post but thats where it comes from. 

i really really hate when kt will go to andrews house all the time instead of hanging with me. it brings up feelings of worthlessness due to the fact that i dont have a penis and cant provide her with the type of feelings he does. and i KNOW thats what it is. im not a know it all but im for sure thats what it is. he manipulated her and makes her think he is the best to hang out with. whether or not he is is questionable but to kt he is the funne better choice. she would never admit that to me but its ok. i dont need her to. 

anyways, theres so many instances where i will invite her places and she declines for various reasons. reasons that go beyond hanging out with andrew as well. she doesnt have money, doesnt want to, has to help her parents with bs at her house. whatever the answer may be, its frustrating. 

why am i going to keep inviting my friend and getting excited for her to come if shes gonna always say no? idk i just had a feeling that i cant let her hold me back anymore.  i have admitedly not planned things for myself to do or avoided going out because i didnt have anybody to go with and didnt wanna go alone. or i didnt wanna go do things with other people too much because she may get mad or something. but like fuck that!

i wanna make memories not just sit around and eat a bunch of food. im tired of that. im tired of allowing a certain person to hold me back from having fun.

so on saturday i went to candytopia with paige because i knew she would appreciate that. 

this weekend im going to tahoe with people ive literally never met in person before because why the fuck not! idk im just lik im gonnna make memories with other people or even myself because im 24. im tired of sitting around waiting for people to get money or motivation and drive o do things. its annoying. i wanna look back on my 20s and be happy with the memories and decisions i made.

kt will always be in my life. always. whether either of us like that or not. but i am no longer planning my social life ot ability to have fun around her. and thats ok. i cant feel guilty about that.

[bvdblog-blog]

today was a good da. SUUUCCHHHHH a good day. i went to canddytopia with paige in santa monica and went to eat good food after. lik it was honestly the cutest friend date ive had in a while. n it was something different! lik dont get me wrong i love going to eat and just chilling with kt or going to get smoothies with paige but i love doing different things tht are gonna give me such good memories. n lik it was 2 hours one way to get there which actually sucked but lik the fact tht me n paige could talk th entire time without feeling awkward so it made the drive less shitty. 

then i went to eat dinner with my family at pollys which was bomb and we played bean boozled after which was fucking hilarous! and we went bowling after and got drinks.s such a chil relaxed day. lik making memories and not feeling guilty for it. 

my mom was talking to me and saying tht yes i work hard and it sucks and i complain but like today it allows me to play hard. and that couldnt be more true. i work hard in order to allow myself to play hardf and have such awesome days lik this.

i wish this feeling of happiness would last forever but i know it wont. i know tomorrow im gonna get depressed again and fall into the deep down mood. but  the point of these posts is so i can look back and remember that i do have happy days that are worth living for and continuing on for. i know every day cant be like this and again i need to work hard to experience days like this.

i think this blog is helping for just that reason. and im so glad i started this. im also going to try to remind myslef tht even tho tomorrow and the next day and the next day might suck that i had today that was awesome so its ok. and i have wanderlust next weelkend which will be fucking epic. 

so ok. it was a good day and even tho it will end it stil happened and thats all that matters. :)

[bvdblog-blog]

so this is something thats hard for m to admit because it 200% makes me sound like an asshole. and i don’t like it about myself.

but i find myself not liking when i see other people successful or traveling a lot or extremely happy. its a combination of jealousy and wanting what they have and also just hating them for it. which ISNT FAIR to them! idk like I’ve always had such jealousy toward other people about their lives. which turns into comparing myself which isn’t healthy at all.

i honestly think it comes from how i was raised and my mother. she is all about image and portraying a put together life with little to no flaws. she always has to be on top and have the best thing.and she lets people know she has the best thing. its very elitist. her parents were rich as fuck and its rubbed off on her so much.

so i think when she raised me n my sister, she raised us to believe tht we need to always want the best things to be ahead of people and portray a put together successful image. and so because i don’t always see myself as having that….i get jealous when others do.

now of course when someone like noora graduated a year before me and is successful on her own, i don’t get jealous of that. school things i don’t get jealous. but thats because i am pursuing school now and am doing well at it. but when others travel a lot or find a good job they love or lose weight or get engaged..shit like that i get jealous of and hate them for a bit/ obviously not like real hate but majjoorrrrrr envy and disappointment that i can’t have that.

for example. traveling. i have traveled some but mostly small trips in the US. yes i went to italy which was amazing and i never take that for granted. but like ok. jen has gone to thailand china hawaii and portland a million times. hella people i know have gone to hawaii. eve travels fucking everywhere. salem went to ireland. leanna and brain went to mexico. leann is now in greece. emily went o guatemala israel and now soon bolivia. jenna to iceland. lik WTF. first off how do they pay for it all!? do people not have to work and be committed to that? idk I’m just like how are y’all so lucky to do this/

now i know i need to put myself into check because last year i went to san diego, vegas, san fransisco, portland, palm springs, and then this year san diego and plan springs again and santa rosa.

YES. this is a lot. I’ve been able to take little trips all year.  but i wanna take big trips to like different countries. tropical places and cold places. idk i compare myself a lot n feel shitty for not traveling a lot like other people. like it makes me less of a person or something. i know i shouldn’t but i just do.

i also see other people having amazing jobs and being able to buy houses.  or getting married and having kids. not the i wanna have kids tomorrow but idk. jalso with losing weight. this a whole other topic but i just feel so  far from reaching goals with that. idk. this another topic for another day. but it just makes me feel behind. i need to stop comparing myself buzz i have accomplished a lot and do a lot for my age. I’m doing good. live on my own and work hella and live in my own apartment. i am good. i do good. right?

[bvdblog-blog]

I had another topic to write about today but after catching up with a friend, i have a different one to talk about. who knows might do 2 posts today. hell i have the time at work now so well see. well see.

anyways. my best friend kt and i are obese. not trying to be mean to her but its just the truth. we always have been but hopefully not always will be. its one of the things she can relate to me about. she has always been one of the only people who can empathize with my weight struggles and won’t say “i know how you feel” and be lying. she’s been called names and knows how it is to not fit on things or get laughed at.

so today we were talking about how fat people aren’t taken seriously in the work place. god…i wish that wasn’t true. but it is.

when i worked at walmart i saw it all the time. many of the guy managers wouldn’t talk to me in the beginning or acknowledge my presence. and i GUARANTEE it was because of my weight and how i look. i promise you. abigail and vanessa and eileen got attention all the time. but no brooke d’avid. oh no. no way. I’m fat and ugly and was treated as such.

but as time went on, i became really good at my job. like reallyyyy good. not trying to brag but i did. it was physically demanding but it was easy to do. i got employe of the month after only 4 months. then and only then would the men start coming around me more. acknowledging how good of a worker i was. obviously i was glad that they recognized my work ethic but it was soon frustrating. why could they only talk to me or even notice me as a HUMAN once i showed i was a good worker. vanessa sucked and yet she was given smiles and flirts from day one.

I’ve seen this so many times in my personal life and work life. as a care giver, i obviously deal with hella old people. now i must say I’m good at hat i do. I’m efficient. the first go at things i suck but I’m a fast learner and once i kn ow how to do something, i do it very fucking well.

however, working with old people comes judgements. almost everyone I’ve encountered makes some comment about my weight. whether it be to my face or whispering while I’m int he other room, its happened. of course my weight has never and will never effect my abilities to do my job. no matter what job it is. unless its where i have to hike up a mountain or run a mile everyday.

but seriously its the fucking worst. like I’m so tired of people judging me at work for being big. no i didn’t ask for this. yes i make shitty eating choices but the doesn’t mean i like the way i look. i hate it. an i hate that people feel the need to remind me of it. like if ANYONE know how fat brooke d’avid is…if ANYONE knows how much weight she needs to lose how unhealthy she is or how gross she is…its brooke d’avs. i have to look at myself everyday. i know. i know.

I’m scared beyond belief that i will be judged for my future career in social work. i would hope that because there is such a need for social workers that my weight won’t matter but it scares me. I’m trying so hard to lose weight but temptations are so easy.

i would literally hate myself even more if i were to miss an opportunity because of my weight to how i looked. like i old be crushed. i just hope it doesn’t happen. i want to so badly explain to people that my weight does not effect my value as a worker. as a person. I’m such a hard worker and want to be successful in whatever i do. i pst want people to realize that and give me a chance.

my friend also was saying the may be why many plus size girls have big personality and are over the top. because they have to compensate for the judgements they get. thats just not fair!

I’m not an over the top person. I’m very timid and shy and i don’t want to have to change myself just because I’m fat.

i get so heated about this. its so annoying and unfair. i know i know theres so many more important issues in the world besides this. but this effects me everyday. i just want it to change. i want my body to change but i also want my the view of fatness to change.

[bvdblog-blog]

I haven't posted in two days! Yesterday I didn't feel lik writing anything n today I literally just forgot. Too busy working on the stupid genogram. Although it's nice to look at something you e worked hard on and the end result is pleasing. Anyway I don't want to feel lik I have to post everyday like it's homework or something. Cuz frankly nobody is reading and that's ok. This is just to let my feelings. I just want to be free to come and go as I please. Write whatever n not feel pressure for it. Cool. I definitely have atopic I wanna write on tomorrow so I'll be here hahah. Have a long ass day of work ahead of me tomorrow. Anne's gonna drive me fucking insane for 8 hours. Just gotta breathe right? She's old n can't help her fucked memory. Ugh. Today was a semi good day so that's all that matters.

[bvdblog-blog]

another one of those blank days. which i guess is better than really bad right?

but something to talk about tht just kinda came up within the last hour: nostalgia

ive had such intense periods of nostalgia lately it kinda scares me. i just miss high school. so much. i miss band. being apart of something. a family. having something to look forward to every day. performing  music. traveling. award ceremonies. bus rides. lik it was all so fucking fun i cant even explain. the memories i have from that period of my life are truly unforgetable. 

i tell people it was the best 4 years of my life. which is absolutely true. but what if i never have a time better? what if that was my prime? is that sad?

i think it has alot to do with something to look forward to. i always had after school gossiping with friends. competitions on the weekend and all that entailed. always something to look forward to. now im an adult n all i have to look forward to is wiping old peoples asses and paying rent. it just sucks. 

i feel lame sometimes when i think or talk about how high school was amazing. lik most people say high school sucked and yes while it did at times, it was soooo good more often than not.

it was also a time where i had the most friends i ever had. maybe not all super close and some were very surface but it was still friends. still always someone new to talk to if the bitch next to you made you mad haha. im smiling as i write that. is it wrong to smile? to laugh at the memories? NO! but idk i need to get back to the level of hapiness i was at during high school. i know i need to somehow get involved in  an organization or something where im more creative.

i also miss parts of college. mine and andrews relationship. living in the dorms. all the friends i had there. me and nooras girls nights. random parites where i felt uncomfortable but still went. i miss it all. 

i dont have co workers now.  mean i do but none that i see. i miss that at wal mart. im hoping with my internship and future job ill get back to interacting w different people and some with interests like mine. gotta do something. meet new people.  itll help. right?

[bvdblog-blog]

i go through a constant struggle of wanting to make as much money as possible and wanting to be able to have hella free time to go relax and do fun things. problem is even if i do have free time i end up just watching net fix or being in my apartment. which i don’t like. i get jealous when i see people doing fun day to day activities. like damn i wanna do that.

but stuff requires money. money requires work. and I’ve grown to hate working. maybe its just my job idk. but i fluctuate between hours all the time because old people an never decide what they want. now i have a total of 42 hours. and while the excites me and outs me at ease because i can now pay my rent without worry….it sucks. I’m not gonna have any time to have fun. but then again do i have fun if i do have time? idk. nobody wants to do anything nor can they cuz they don’t have money.

so should i just be ok with the hours? idk. i want to view them as a way for me to keep busy and not eat and keep distracted but its never like that. its almost as if working makes me think about food more cuz I’m always wondering what I’m gonna do for food in-between shifts. ugh idk. this is all over the place again.

i just want to be financially stable but also work a job that I love and am okay with. i also can’t wait for the day where its in only one place!!!! I’m SO tired of going from here to there city to city to different clients houses. i feel like I’m in the car all the time. so annoying. i pst want stability and happiness. i know I’m not gonna be a care giver forever and this schedule isn’t forever but it sucks.

i want money but i want free time. but then i also wanna do stuff in the free time that doesn’t suck. idk man idk.

[bvdblog-blog]

life and death. such strange concepts that everyone takes so seriously. and rightfully so. i think about death alot. and not in a way where i want it to happen to me or anybody around me anytime soon. at all. i can positively say im not suicidal. but death is such an interesting topic to me. for so many different reasons.

first of all, WHAT THE HELL HAPPENS WHEN YOU DIE???? ive literally wondered this for a good majority of time now. i guess it boils down to what someone believes. some say u go to heaven if youve “asked for forgiveness.” others say you go to another life of come back an animal others say nothing. lik its such a fuckin trip honestly. WHO. REALLY KNOWS. its not lik someone can come back from the dead and explain what theyve been up to since they died. idk why it fascinates me so much but it does. lik the moment u stop exsisting do u know uve stopped esixting? is it just white? black? lik god damn its intense to think about. 

i think as much as it fascinates me i struggle with it too. my whole life ive been told theres a god, heaven, and afterlife in heaven if you live ur life right ask for foregiveness and do all the right things give or take. so i always thought that. but now as im older im not religious anymore. i dont agree with half the shit in the bible and i hate church people. christians. granted there are definitely christians who have been nothing but nice to me but overall im not a fan. others do as they please but at the moment im not into it. so im stuck in this spot where i dont know what i believe overall including life after death. and it scares me. 

part of it is laziness. i dont wanna have to read on things n decide what i believe. but at the same time i wanna know what happens when i die. its weird as fuck and if i think about it too much i get so much anxiety. i know alot of it is cuz i feel bad tht im not following my parents choice of christianity. i definietly make my own decisions but i feel bad for dissapointing them. the thing is i believe in god i think. thats for sure. i do think there is a set path for everyone but tht they have to work at it. but lik beyond tht idk. i talk to a god yes n i ask advice n shit but i dont go to church and i dont want to. tht doesnt maek me bad right? sometimes i wonder if following a certain religion or belief system would make me happier in life? idk. im too lazy to figure it out thooooo thats for sure. and maybe thts where i fall flat. idk.

back to the death thing. i was watching a show a couple weeks ago called captive. where people tell their stories of being held captive for ransom. and the reinactments would show people begging for their life which is obviously how everyone acts in near death situations like that. it just got me thinking. (this about to sound pretentious, suicidal, and weird all in one. i promise its none of those. just thoughts i have while driving sometimes) 

someone begs for their life why? obviously i know why. cuz they wanna live their lives beyond that point. duh. but lik really think about it. if someone dies, their death doesnt effect them. other than the obvious dying part. lik it effects their family and friends around them more. tht just trips me out soooo much. is that why people beg for their lives so much? for the others around them? or for their own living?

i guess its different for someone who has kids or a huge successfull business or thriving life. not that i dont have a thriving life but someone who has kids has more to live for than i do in a sense. they dont want to abandon their kids and leave them. i obviously too dont want to abandon my parents siter or friends but its different. it makes me wonder if ill see death differently when i have kids? overall would tht change my opinion and outlook on life? idk. i hope so sometimes. 

theres also a weird thing about grandparent death. my grandparents died only a year ago n it still drives me in circles. i was sad. devistated as fuck. still am. i think about them all the time. but its also weird because lik grandparents are old and are headed towards death every day right?  i mean i guess we all are which is morbid as fuck but yeah. 

idk i worry about my empathy sometimes, this girl posted on fb tht her grandpa died n she was broken, and i felt bad for her but at the same time i as lik ok he was old it was bound to happen. but lik WTF!? my grandparents died a year ago n  instead of relating to her i went back to the same old them being old thing. why do i do that? does it have to do with my weird fascination with after death? idk.

dont get me wrong. i would do anything to have my grandparents back this second. but old age and death is strange. i also think i am somewhat jaded to old age and death because i work as a care giver for old people daily and i see the sadness of peoples mind and bodies giving up on them al the time. my one client is 105 and just sits there al day. having this kind of exposure almost makes me not want to live to be older than 80. idk

i also have to remind myself besides my grandparents and aunt, ive never lost someone close to me. i look at my mom who lost her parents and struggles every fucking day. ive not been in that place where someone ive known my actual entire life and spent almost every day with isnt here anymore. so i think tht clouds my thinking as well. but tht situation scares the shit out of me more than anything. my mom or dad being here one day and then not. cnat go there cuz it gives me anxiety. 

of course this was all over the place with no organization. what ya gonna do haha

just to say again, im nowhere near suicidal. at all. weird things just fascinate me. i could never say these things out loud. but im glad i could write it here.