byeitsjade - Tumblr blog

[byeitsjade]

“You are beautiful because you let yourself feel, and that is a brave thing indeed.”

— Shinji Moon

[byeitsjade]

“I don’t regret us but I wouldn’t do it again.”

— Unknown

[byeitsjade]

Date someone who fucking respects you

[byeitsjade]

yes indeed !!

you deserve people who listen to you ramble. you deserve people who love it when you’re excited, when you’re happy. you deserve people who check up on you and wish to see you well, people who not only accept you for who you are - but rejoice in it. 

[byeitsjade]

Fyodor Dostoyevsky // Alanis Morissette

[byeitsjade]

this made me cry...

You’ve Given Me Peace.

I’ve been dreaming of you. I look for your car all the time. For you. Hoping one day we can see each other out and about, and smile at one another. My dreams of you have been anything but pleasant. The most recent one, you shot me. And not like a gunshot went off and I woke up. We were fighting, and I saw you pull a gun. I turned away and braced myself, and you shot me in the middle of my back. I fell forward onto the floor, and laid there on my chest. I remember thinking “I don’t know what it feels like to be shot, and I don’t feel any pain. I just feel warmth in my whole chest. Am I dying?” I was screaming for help. You stood over me and said “they’re not fucking coming,” and left the room. I didn’t even wake up yet, but I wanted to. It’s like I knew I was dreaming and was praying I woke up before I died. I don’t know what that means. I don’t know how I wake up from a dream like that and still love you. But I do. Not in the sense that I want to be with you again. But I just love you. As I’m healing (or trying to at least), I’ve come to appreciate the bond we had. Whether it was strictly a trauma bond or what, it was clearly strong enough to keep us coming back for more for almost 7 years. The things we’ve done to one another, yet still have always had some speck of love for each other. It’s not healthy or normal or made to last. But it was real, and at least something good came out of it.

I truly think I stuck in this long enough to become the villain. Maybe subconsciously I knew that the only way to get you to stop hurting me was to hurt you back beyond repair. I think I always knew that. I used to beg you to let me go, and I’d wonder what it would take to get you to finally do that. I knew what I was doing, and I knew it would hurt you. At the time I found joy in it partly because I knew it meant we’d finally be done with one another and maybe that much closer to peace. But when the dust settled, I felt awful. I still do. I am truly sorry. I’m sorry I’ve hurt you, in all the ways I have throughout the years. People tell me you’ve deserved it. It’s easy to say that and believe it considering the cheating, lies, and abuse. But I don’t feel like you deserved to hurt regardless of how you hurt me. Contrary to what you’ve said to me, I am not that evil. I tried to be. I thought hurting you would feel good. That it would feel right and justified. It didn’t, and it still doesn’t. And for that, I’m sorry.

Everyday I’m working towards forgiving you. I thought I had, then everything stirred up again and I realized I had only buried you, not forgiven you. Little by little, though, I do. Every other minute in the day I go from loving you to hating you. But I know one day, the hate will be gone and I will have only love for you. I hope to see you one day and only appreciate the love and laughs we shared. I often think about the times we’d be falling over in the kitchen laughing, trying not pee. Or in bed cracking up, while I hit your arm from laughing so hard. Or the games we’d play finishing each other’s sentences or trying to land on the same words- and not to mention how easily it was to do that. One day I will see you and see my old best friend, someone I truly grew up with. One day, all that will be left when I think of you will be love. It’s still there now, just mixed in with a bunch of other things. Loving you, and being hurt by you, changed me in stages. First I was weak, then I guess I became evil, thinking that was strength. I think the real strength is coming now. I feel myself becoming the woman I’m meant to be: loving, kind, accountable and self-aware, respectful and respectable. The last 7 years have felt like I’ve been knocked down over and over. And although I kept getting back up, I never quite figured out how to fix my footing and make sure it didn’t happen again. That’s happening now. So I just wanted to thank you.

If you read this and feel hate, I hope you don’t feel inclined to respond. Because I guess the self righteous part of me hopes you’re healing too, and becoming the man I’ve always known you can be. My ego would feel too bruised if you were still hateful. But then again, it’s not about my ego anymore. And you will probably hate me for some time. After all, it did take me 7 years to get to this point. But I do hope now, or even one day, you feel the way I do. Maybe even just an ounce. I love and respect you and what we had. I’m grateful. I’m proud of what we experienced- not always proud about what we did and how we did it- but proud nonetheless. I’m happy when I think of the laughs I shared with my once-best friend. And I am sad that it came to end. But I am also so understanding of why it wasn’t built to last, and accepting of why all the bad happened the way it did.

Our relationship is the defining relationship of my life. That doesn’t mean it was meant to be forever. Our relationship, and you, have shaped me more than anything or anyone has or ever will. I am becoming the woman I was intended to be. Nothing will shake me again, and that’s all credit to the strength I’ve gained from the life I shared with you. Thank you.

“Lifetimes” has always meant just that. I will meet you in every life. And I will love you in every life. I can only hope that each lifetime, we learn faster and love harder. Maybe eons down the road, we will actually work out. If we do, I can’t wait to experience that love. And if we don’t, I’m at peace because I know in my soul that every time we finally walk away from each other, this will always be the relationship and you will always be the man that made me who I was meant to be. Goodbye. Lifetimes.

[byeitsjade]

„Most days I wish I never met you because then I could sleep at night and I wouldn’t have to walk around with the knowledge there was someone like you out there.”

Good Will Hunting (1997)

[byeitsjade]

likee bffr yall need to be real i promise ya it will save everyones time

being nice to other girls feels so good idk why it’s so hard for some of y’all lol

[byeitsjade]

“For you to see beauty here does not mean there is beauty in me, it means there is beauty rooted so deep within you, you can’t help but see it everywhere.”

— Rupi Kaur, Milk and Honey

[byeitsjade]

WOW !!

You wont find the same person twice, not even in the same person

- Mahmoud Darwish

[byeitsjade]

never too late to do better

[byeitsjade]

yup!

I can care about you and still cut you off and I can miss you and never talk to you again.

[byeitsjade]

“If you spend your time hoping someone will suffer the consequences for what they did to your heart, then you’re allowing them to hurt you a second time in your mind.”

— Shannon L. Alder

[byeitsjade]

“There are some things about myself I can’t explain to anyone. There are some things I don’t understand at all. I can’t tell what I think about things or what I’m after. I don’t know what my strengths are or what I’m supposed to do about them. But if I start thinking about these things in too much detail the whole thing gets scary. And if I get scared I can only think about myself. I become really self- centered, and without meaning to, I hurt people. So I’m not such a wonderful human being.”

— Haruki Murakami, The Elephant Vanishes

[byeitsjade]

“And then I felt sad because I realized that once people are broken in certain ways, they can’t ever be fixed, and this is something nobody ever tells you when you are young and it never fails to surprise you as you grow older as you see the people in your life break one by one. You wonder when your turn is going to be, or if it’s already happened.”

— Douglas Coupland, Life After God

[byeitsjade]

[byeitsjade]

I had this little mindshift the other day and decided to write this poem.