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[c-o-r-r-u-p-t]

I’ve been going through a rough patch lately

And depressive episodes are nothing new to me and lasting this long isn’t surprising

But it’s come with a lot of anger that I can’t get rid of and that’s really new to me. I don’t know what to do with all of it. And I think a lot of it is because I’m just really sick of how I’ve been treated my whole life. Part of it’s my fault for being such a pushover but so much of it is just being taking advantage or trying to manipulate me or making me small to make them big and I’m just fucking done with it.

But now that I’m trying to deal with that I have to think of where that all started and it always going back to mark

Shane was the start of it for sure, the first time I fell in love and also the first time I learned to put up with less than i deserved for way too long

But mark was just such a piece of shit. Making me a prisoner. Manipulating me into sucking his duck every day or fucking him even though I was so dry I would bleed and he wouldn’t care. I will never forget crying as he fucked me. I will never forget waking up naked and not remembering the last 14 hours because he got me hooked on Xanax and would fuck me while I was unconscious. Then he would tell me I was the cruel one and I was the one that didn’t love him because I wanted to see my friends and my family. I was fucking trapped. Threatening to drive his car into my dorm building if I broke up with him. Telling me he carved his initials into every tree at my safe place and left his body in the woods for me to find, only for me to speed the 60 miles to the lake to find out he was lying then see he had been posting about how I was a slut on Instagram while I was looking for his body. I just didn’t fucking deserve that.

I didn’t deserve a lot of the shit I’ve put up with. In so many fucking relationships. And I think after shabbi I’m just broken. I’m so angry at the way people think they can just do whatever they fuck they want for their own benefit and not give a shit how it affects other people. I’m sick of how selfish people are when I could never even think of treating people that way.

Anyway this started because I saw this post about how much better it got as an adult since being that scared sad teenager. And a lot of my life is so much better. I mean I’m not suicidal anymore so what more could you ask for. And I’ve made a lot of dreams come true. I’m proud of myself in a lot of ways but god if I had to look at my 17 year old self in the face right now and say hang on it gets better I would burst out into fucking tears. It does it true it gets better and I’m happy to be alive but Jesus fucking Christ this shit is so hard. Why am I the one that has to suffer from these awful peoples actions. Why am I the one with my career in jeopardy and still dating at 28 and still fucking sitting in my bed crying, listening to mayday parade, and writing on tumblr about how sad mark made me. Jesus fucking Christ. When does it end.

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I got in a fight with Tim before my weekend about how trying to meet all his expectations at work are impossible and it’s giving me so much anxiety I’m lashing out and I was like I literally did almost an entire weeks worth of work in 2 days and you didn’t even care and he said well I don’t care if the holdings are clean and the streams are clear that’s not the priority and I actually cried at the fact that all my effort wasn’t worth shit to him and he just saw it as stupid and a waste of time

Then today he tells me that he busted his ass trying to clean the holdings today because it’s so important they stay clean

I’m gonna lose my mind

[c-o-r-r-u-p-t]

I deleted hinge and tinder

Hoping rachel stays

[c-o-r-r-u-p-t]

Yeah I’m going to fall for rachel hard I think

She’s basically my dream girl it’s actually terrifying. I feel like we have the same outlook on how we want to live our lives and we have so much like core values and desires in common. Like we both want to move to Oregon and get a basically a homestead with goats and chickens and spend our lives traveling and spending time with our friends and idk I just love spending time with her

We went on a date yesterday and it was honestly one of the cutest days of my life. We went to the aquarium and microdosed shrooms and just had so much fun looking at everything and we ran into my friend who works there who gave us a behind the scenes tour then we made out under the octopus dome and it was honestly just really sweet. We were gonna go to coney island after but her cat got out so we went back to get him and ended up watching twilight. While we were watching we heard her neighbor playing guitar and singing on the roof, so we went outside and smoked and caught fireflies while he played for us. we even asked him to play a twilight song and then we’re kissing while we plays a thousand years and it was so romantic and gay I could puke but not really because it was so so sweet and even if this doesn’t go where I want it to that’s going to be such a beautiful memory. But I really hope it works out. We tried to watch new moon but ended up fucking instead and our chemistry is just so incredible. She’s the first one that’s ever called out Denton now that I’ve been going by it and that was pretty special ngl lmaooo but it was also just so fucking hot and she keeps saying how she loves how I fuck her and I honestly could cum just from touching her. I just can’t believe she actually likes me so much like she’s goddess level beautiful and this impressive ass person who has done such cool things and she wants to go down on me????? Idk I just have not felt a connection like this in a really long time and I’m glad it’s reciprocated. I’m really going to try to hang on to her. She just told me she wishes I was sleeping over again and I literally would drive to Brooklyn right now just to kiss her goodnight. I can’t get ahead of myself but I really want this to work. And she says she does too

[c-o-r-r-u-p-t]

Just had a dream where I went in to work on my day off and I forget what started to make me cry but I was crying so I took a second then went back to work but was still upset then reptile Andrew came over to tell me that he thought I was faking it just so I could get out of doing work for a few minutes even tho I came in on my day off to help out and I told him he was disgusting and making false assumptions as a boss that could negatively impact my career and basically everything I’ve been planning on saying to Tim in real life but it gave me a panic attack in the dream and i woke up shaking and now I’m having stress dreams about work

[c-o-r-r-u-p-t]

Nah because the chemistry between me and rachel when i fuck her is insane

I actually can’t believe I get to make her cum it’s crazy

[c-o-r-r-u-p-t]

Just spent the night at Rachel’s

Yeah seems like I’m gonna fall for her hard

Shes literally my dream girl I like don’t know how to handle it

[c-o-r-r-u-p-t]

Just dropped rachel off after our 4th date and I just liking her more and more and I am actually really excited about where this could go

I still can’t believe she wants me to kiss her I think she might be getting annoying w me being nervous bc I kissed her and when we stopped she said I couldn’t tell if you wanted me to kiss you or not and I was like same you’re so pretty how could you want me of all people to kiss you but she DOES and I was like I’m nervous and she said she’s nervous too so we’ll both be more brave so I kissed her like 12 more times and my god I wanna do it forever and she said she really likes kissing me and idk I’m NERVOUS and I normally am not like this. Like girls like me, it’s never been hard for me to get a date, so I’m usually pretty confident on the first few dates but there’s just something about herrrrrrr

[c-o-r-r-u-p-t]

When you plan your next 7 dates on your 3rd date

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And for you to text me like you didn’t make me feel like the loneliest person in the world when I was with you

About how you’re thinking about how we spent new years binge watching gudetama and texting me like you don’t know it’s going to stir up all this shit for me

You don’t care about my feelings you just want me to make you feel good about yourself again

[c-o-r-r-u-p-t]

Maybe I wouldn’t be this bad if I just had someone to fucking comfort me and tell me it’ll be okay but it’s been years since I’ve had that

Years since I’ve felt secure

Years since I haven’t been lonely

And even when I wasn’t, it was short lived

I’m so sick of being lonely

[c-o-r-r-u-p-t]

Second date with rachel tonight which and idk just wow

She makes me nervoussss I really haven’t felt nervous in a while

Like we were literally laying in her bed with our feet intertwined and I still couldn’t get myself to kiss her bc I just can’t believe she would want me to kiss her

Out of all the people in nyc she wants me??? To kiss her??? I think she could have anyone she wanted and it’s…me??? I mean it’s two dates it’s not like we’re really together but she’s just so so so incredible. Like beautiful yes obviously so freaking beautiful I can’t believe it when I’m looking at her

The Marilyn birthmark and everything type beautiful like it’s actually insane

Anyway besides that she’s just like so kind and makes me feel so calm on top of the nerves idk I just love her energy. As nervous as I am I still feel like I can be myself around her and I want to show her who I am

And then I can tell she just has this like deep level of intelligence like maybe not a math genius type but there’s something to her like wisdom maybe but so so humble idk how to describe it

Also creative? Smokes? BACKPACKS? Wants to move to Oregon like me? Is likely to disappear to some random place for a month like me? Would not just want to go on my adventures but has plans of her own and has lowkey done cooler things than me

Idk it’s so early I need to not get ahead of myself but I have a fat crush on this girl and I just don’t want to mess it up

We did kiss goodbye tho and again wow I wanna do that again and again and again

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Actually can’t believe I got to kiss her she’s so out of my league how does she not realize

This is crazy

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Making me smile the whole way home

Bitch

[c-o-r-r-u-p-t]

Nah rachel is something special