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SUBMIT TO DESIRE

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christ is cruel but you’re so crueler

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god knows my family would rather me be small, depressed and miserable than alive and somewhat happy with life, i’m easier to bark orders at and control that way

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my hair still smells like gardenias where your calloused hand fisted mildew rots on the mattress unpliable, how you felt when our knees brushed and your obituary sat unlisted willoughby tucker, i will always love you kisses, mavis

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this took an embarrassingly long time

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@/mothercain. twitter, 14 mar 2022.

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I can’t keep my wounds closed

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Im like if a redneck was whimsical

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But there was something almost agonising about speaking and being misunderstood or found unintelligible, something that got right to the heart of all my fears about aloneness. No one will ever understand you. No one wants to hear what you say. Why can’t you fit in, why do you have to stick out so much?

Olivia Laing, from The Lonely City: Adventures in the Art of Being Alone