c8h11no2-c10h12n2o

[c8h11no2-c10h12n2o]

Thank you.

I haven't updated this page in a pretty long time. With the constant rotation of work, school, and my dog, its been a handful. 2020 wasn’t good for a lot of people. 2020 took my dog away from me, but it unexpectedly brought someone into my life whom, I’m in love with.  I was in love with you, I saw a future with kids, dogs, a home, and nights spent watching Parenthood. You were in law school, and i had plans to go to kansas city. You told me you loved me first, and it felt like we could have made it work.... But you never wanted to entertain the idea of a LDR. The last time I ever saw you was dropping off a gift to you before you left for Europe, than after that we just stopped talking. We moved on, and I lived my life here in Kansas city. You set the bar so high, that there wasn't one girl in this city that could get anywhere close to you. But I was wrong. 

One day im catching up with an old friend from high school that currently lives in San Jose. We’ve been platonic friends for the past 11 years. She knows all of my drama, I know all of hers. It started innocently enough, but we kept talking, and eventually it came out that she use to have a crush on me in highschool. The rest kind of just fell into place from there. After talking and learning more about her, I realized we shared many of the same values. Working as a team, traveling, a love for kids, and dogs, chasing our own  dreams, while also supporting the other in chasing their own. Because if how you and I ended things, I never wanted to be in a LDR. As committed and faithful would have been to you to make us work, it wasn't enough for you. So I moved on with my life.

We kept talking, while I was conflicted with what I wanted. we both realized very quickly that that we wanted this to work. We talk every day, I we have video dinner dates, or zoom movie nights. She flys to me, and I fly to her. We both have our flights booked out for 2021. I’ve known her for 11 years, but after officially dating for 4 months I know I’m going to marry her, and she feels the same way. She we both know we want to raise a family together, adopt a kid, rescue all the dogs while she teaches high school history, and i work at a hospital. Yeah it sucks, that I’m in kansas city, but she’s willing to commit, and wait for me until I graduate and move home to Davis California. 

Life brought you into my world to teach me that distance is irrelevant, that if both of you want it bad enough, it can work. As much as I wanted you to be my happily ever after, you were part of my Character building story arch. 

I will always love you, and will never forget the sense of home I felt with you and Brutus in the Sacramento river that sunny day. But you not willing to try to make things work between us back then, only makes me try so much harder now more than ever. So I thank you for that. 

I hope you find your person, I hope he’s everything you deserve, i hope he makes you feel safe in his arms, respects you, and will be there though all the good and the bad. I hope you both can enjoy a baja blast from taco bell, and that he will always love you unconditionally. I wish you the best in life. I know that you are going to be best fucking lawyer every, and I know you have so much to offer in this world. You know i've been indifferent with religion, but when i met you, i knew that God went the extra mile with you, your sime, your eyes, your loving and caring personality. It makes the world a bright place, and I’m so glad I got to see it for a short time.   Don't ever change H.M, J.R

[c8h11no2-c10h12n2o]

Can't believe it's been two years.

[c8h11no2-c10h12n2o]

I deployed to New York City for about 3 weeks and ran 911 calls in Brooklyn, It was rough... when I came back from NYC to KC, My dog suddenly died 2ish weeks later... life has been shit, and so i flew home. for 2 weeks to be with family, I wanted to text you but even if i did, I didnt have a car to drive to you. i had to stop myself from sending you a huge text about how much i wanted to see you, it worked becuse you havent herd from me, and that im flying back to Kansas city in 8 hours... this video was what i wanted you to look up at the other post about how i met your mother. i hope your doing better then i am. i hope your happy, and i hope your just kicking ass as usual. 

[c8h11no2-c10h12n2o]

I remember the day you showed me how you use Google calendar. It stuck with me every all the way out in Kansas City, little things bring me back to you. I hope you’re well, I hope you’re getting every little bit of love and life you deserve. I miss you dearly, I find myself thinking about you and end up re-reading our past text conversations.

It’s laughable how much I still love you. Even in Kansas City Missouri, I’ve yet to meet a girl that gives me the butterflies. I know you still visit this page, almost just as much and I visit yous.

Just know even though we don’t talk, I’m still your biggest fan.

Love,

J.R

[c8h11no2-c10h12n2o]

How I Met Your Mother

Season 9, Episode 17, at the 15:54 Mark ish.

says it all.

[c8h11no2-c10h12n2o]

ashes

Over the hill and into the fields the cold night bites into my face. Im outside looking out, its late and I have more pressing matters to worry about. But here I am, outside in the cold. Im looking out, something catches my attention. a faint glow in the distance, amber, and orange radiate just over the horizon. I’m confused. Its midnight, the sun rises in the east, yet this change in color is out west. I start to walk, I start to wonder, “what is going on?” I keep walking, I’m at the base of the hill, I start to climb. Just as I start to feel the heat, my eyes see it. Fire. Every tree, every bush, every inch is an inferno. There are homes… houses in neat order, everyone still sleeping. Not one person awake to see the danger creeping in.I take a step, and I can’t move. I look down and I’m stuck in quicksand, I try to scream, and I suddenly have no voice, I try to wave my hands, and I’m handcuffed. I’m in a cage. I can't move, I can't leave. My eyes see the fire getting closer and closer, I’m powerless. My heart is beating out of my chest. Trying to figure out what to do. The fire moves faster, I’m standing there, watching everything burn. Ashes follow me as I walk back. Each step heaver then the last, I’m tired, I remind my self how strong I am and that Ive seen worse. I come to a place with friendly faces, they ask how I’m doing, what have I been up too. I lie and say I was just out for a walk, I lie and say I’ve got work to do. I bury my self in work, in routine, in keeping busy. I don’t have a choice but to carry on. I must carry on, I have a purpose where I am, I have a mission where I am. I look out every night before I go to bed, and I still see it. The amber and orange glow just faint enough to be seen, just small enough to remind me. It tugs at my soul, it stabs at my drive. Im stronger than this. I Will Carry On.J.R

[c8h11no2-c10h12n2o]

@yellowpines

[c8h11no2-c10h12n2o]

My coworkers had a weekend trip to Yosemite this weekend. I'm awake and I can't sleep, mainly because I've been playing a game very similar to airport simulator. Anyway you've been on my mind all weekend. The last time I was in Yosemite was with you last year. It was the trip I started to fall for you. Naturally I had to stop at yellow pines. The gate was closed, but I parked and walked to the campsite. Found the trees you set up your hammock on, and stood right where you fell off and where I kissed you. I didn't stay long because I probably shouldn't have been there. But I enjoyed remembering that week. I always wanted to explore this park with you, maybe someday we can getaway and do it. For now life is just going to have to move on. I'm leaving soon, and I'm terrified. I wish I could text you and vent how scared I am to take this next step. Anyway... I miss you, and I love you. My head's still up in the clouds, and you just love showing up in my dreams. Lol I'm not complaining. Also, stand by for an early bday/Christmas gift. I plan to order it this week. Hopefully you don't lose it. J.R

[c8h11no2-c10h12n2o]

Hello Stranger

Its been a few months, im not on my phone, I just finished a moive at work, and i cant help but think of you. I can still see your green eys, your smile, the feeling of how you would bite my forarm so lightly when we cuddled... your laugh. I miss the fuck out of you, and with me leaving in two months, i find my slef thinking of you. not sure how active you are on this, or even if you still look at my page. but i want you to know, i still see you when i close my eyes. I still think of you when i see my future, when i think of having a family i think of you next to me with a fuck ton of dogs, and little ones running around. ive been telling people, im heartbroken, that over the summer there was a girl that had alot going on and didnt need me in the middle of that. that it was just so much easier if gave her space. i like to tell me self every day that im coming down from that high.... but i lie, deep down im still up there. im still in love you with you. as i type this my heart is racing, my eyes are watery, and im wishing that i could fastfoward 3 years to be with you. i wish you could text me to come over, i wish i could hold your hand, i wish i could feel how great it felt knowing how safe you felt around me. you did a number on me, beause i dont think you can ever unlove a person. you see their name anywhere, and my heart flutters. you have no idea how many times i think about summer of 2018, how i fell in love with you, and how happy i was to be aorund you.

im rambling now, i hope this finds you well, in some crazy way, im still madly in love with you. maybe in some twisted way you still feel the same way.

Good night and maybe if im lucky ill see you in my dreams. love you. J.R

[c8h11no2-c10h12n2o]

c8h11no2+c10h12n2o

I haven't herd from you in about a month, so I think it's pretty clear that one of us smarter then the other. Fact of the matter is that I'm leaving at the end of the year. So why not use the opportunity to literally distance your self from what ever we were.

I really don't blame you. Remember when I said "let's just do this, and regret it tomorrow when we wake up?" We laughed at how bad of an idea it was to see each other. Down the rabbit hole I jumped.

I fell for you twice as hard as when we first met, and for a while was addicted to the high you gave me. You gave me glimpse of what a relationship with you would be like.... It's been a while, but Its the only play we have. So I get it.

Just about every day I think about you. Memories randomly come to mind, and here I am awake writing to you again. I know you secretly read these notes to you. That inspite of how much you want to distance your self from me, you'll come pack to stalk my page to see if I posted about you....

Well here it is.

I'm still in love with you.

Life sucks sometimes, I can't be mad at you. I'm the one leaving to a different state. So I can only hope you'll be around when I get back. 3 years is a long time, and doubt you'll be available. You are such a catch, another guy will walk into you life like i did, you'll fall for each other, and you'll live happily ever after with all the dogs, and all the kids.

Im at a place where I've accepted that it's better we don't talk anymore.

You are worth it... Inspite of how I feel, I have no regrets.

Driving to Sacramento to see you:

Worth it

Ordering you Tacobell and having it delivered:

Worth it

Sending you orange lilies durring your finals week:

Worth it.

The high was worth it, I'm not ashamed of it.

Live your life, and Chase your dreams. You know id give anything to be part your adventure, but I feel like I'll always be a spectator. You've done a great job keeping your space and I read you loud and clear. Just do me a favor, don't break the habit. Don't text me, don't reach out. We'll just go back and forth about how much we still love each other, and the cycle continues. After this I'm going unstall Tumblr on my phone, I don't have a reason to write anymore. I'm perfectly happy ending this page on this note. I think this is a good send off in regards to us.

You know how I feel. This page is dedicated to you, all these letters are for you. How I feel, how much I love you, and how happy you make me. I don't know if you ever noticed or if I ever explained not but my Tumblr name: c8h11no2+c10h12n2o is the chemical formula for dopamine and serotonin. It's the chemicals that make you feel happiness and love.

Things that you gave me in it's purest form.

I like to joke that someday you and I will have a family together and that our kids will find my Tumblr and read how much of a butt you were when we first me. Maybe it happen, maybe it's just wishful thinking, but this is it. It's goodbye, it's good luck, it's I'll miss you...

Come here when you feel like texting me or when you think of me. Read my words you and know that as I write and end this letter

I love you.

Thank you for being you, thank you for helping me see brighter colors, thank you for making me laugh, thank you for giving me an idea of what home feels like. Thank you for being the most genuine person I know. Thank you for teaching me what its like to be unconditionally loved.

Faithfully yours.

JR

[c8h11no2-c10h12n2o]

What a day

I feel it's been so long since we talked. I had another crazy day in the infirmery. A guy on staff cut in head on a metal roof. Lots of blood, and needed stitches. It was a pretty deep cut on the top of his head. Thankfully it's nothing I haven't seen before, and I felt really into of it when it came to managing his injuries. I drove him to a clinic, and they got him all fixed up. It was a pretty chill day asides from that. I miss you alot and I had a dream about you last night. We were back at camp Campbell, and I was in your room. We made out and cuddled. Something I miss doing alot. I hope your doing well. Part of me wishes your thinking of me too while you're out there. I'm always looking at your old posts on yellowpines, because that all I have when I haven't spoken to you. Anyway, to set the seen I'm in bed yet again missing you and thinking of you. I wish you were here. I love you.

[c8h11no2-c10h12n2o]

The usual.

I'm at a weird place. Part of me wants to text you every day and at all times, but part of me also knows your pretty busy. I don't like that the last time we had a real conversation it ended in an argument. I know I could probably text you and I'm just being weird. But I know that you have alot going on, and I don't want to get in your way. I know that if you'll text me when you have time or want to talk.... And if I never hear from you, well...... It's going to suck for me.

Those thoughts aside I hope this finds you well. I know you read these posts and know that youre always on my mind especially before I close my eyes. I miss you. Good night and sweet dreams.

[c8h11no2-c10h12n2o]

Day one

I wish I could call you and hear your voice. But as we both know we're time zones apart. Maybe there will be an off chance you'll take a look at my Tumblr today, and since you miss me would want to know if I wrote anything for you/about you. Well I'm in bed yet again missing you, wanting you to be next to me, missing and wishing for the summer to end so I can cook you a candle lit dinner at an air bnb.

So today was the first day of camp. 112 male boys ages 9 to 17. Dressed in a bright red button up, a dark brown Carhartt vest, brown cowboy hat, with boots. I think it might have turned you on lol. Jkjk I liked the outfit. It was all hands in the infirmery, and surprisingly it went smooth. A team of 2 nurses and 2 EMTs and we killed it. For one month these parents trust us with the care of their boys. Homesickness, boo boos, meds with every mean, and everything in-between. I think this has to be the best summer health team I've worked with. I'm really excited as to where we end up. We all have great experience, and we're all team players.

These kids come from all over the U.S some from the bay area, other from the Houston Texas area. It was really cool to tell them I was there for hurricane Harvey helping out their community, it was a cool moment to share with a group of boys. There was another cool moment where I was giving meds after dinner to boys, and just being a pure goof ball to them. Talking to them like a man child throwing jokes left and right. I was so in my element and I wish you could have been there to see me. It felt so natural, today really grounded me in regards to how much I love to work with kids in a medical setting. I'm tired and I'm ready for bed, but I didn't feel like worked at all today. I had fun, I enjoyed helping the 3 nose bleeds and 2 boo boos. Idk babe, today was just awesome.

It's 30min till 0000 and I think I should sleep soon. I have to help give meds out tomorrow morning. I hope your enjoying your self in Europe, it sounds like your exploring Europe and having a blast doing it. I'm happy for you. You worked so hard in your first year of law school, you deserve everything your doing right now. I'll never get tired of saying it, but I really am proud of you. You make me want to work just as hard at school. You're a positive influence on me, and thats why I'm so in love with you. I wish I could tell you all this over the phone. I wish I could hear your voice or just teliport to you in person for just 10mins so I could hold you in bed then tell you about my day...

Someday we'll get there, and I can't wait for it. I need to go bed now. So again just know I think about you every day, and every night. I miss you, and I love you.

Good night and sweet dreams from cabin Ramshorn.

J.R

[c8h11no2-c10h12n2o]

Hey,

Haven't herd from you in a while. I've been so busy, every time I tell my self to text you, I end up getting distracted with work. I think about you all the time, I hope you do too. I miss you and I love you.

J.R

[c8h11no2-c10h12n2o]

Dance partner.

You are the one I want to dance with. I want to be fitted with my boots, hat, flannel, and larger then normal belt buckle, and have you as my partner. I'm realized tonight while learning how to square dance that, country girls are fucking hot. Knowing that you enjoy going to country bars to dance all dressed up just made you like 100 pts more attractive in my book. One of the nurses know how to two step and Waltz so stand by for these skills, because when I get home I'll be more the confident in being your dance partner. All I could see is you tonight, yes it made me miss you, but it makes me excited for the future. I want to dance with you and nobody else, I don't think any other girl can keep up with me, because obviously after all the training I'll be getting this summer I'll clearly be better then you. I can't wait to take you out dancing babe.

I'm in bed right now as usual writing this.

I love you,

JR

[c8h11no2-c10h12n2o]

Something about your voice

I told you the other day how much I miss your voice. You use to send me these random voicemails, and having been so far apart, I don't get to call you when I want. I don't get to hear your voice when I want. I miss it. I miss the sound of your laugh when you hear my lame jokes, or the sounds of your words when you trying to make those witty remarks, but the best thing about your voice is when you tell me that you love me. Sound is something you hear, but when you tell me you love me I can fell it. Something in my body reacts and I feel warm and fuzzy inside. There is something about you that makes me nervous, the thought of you is it's probably the butterfly's singing in my stomach. I also told you that I think about you every night before I go to bed. At this moment I'm on my bed (top bunk) writing this. I miss you dearly, and I'm so happy for the voice mail you left me. Im going to listen to it again before I go to bed. I know you only look at my page when you miss me, so I hope this finds you well and melts your heart as you read this, as yours did to mine when you sent that Voicemail.

I love you, and I miss you.

Always yours,

J.R