caarmys

[caarmys]

[caarmys]

Chicago

[caarmys]

[caarmys]

carmy’s tattoos

[caarmys]

"Yeah, we'll clean up Carm's mess again---- just like with Donna."

Richie's voice dripped with that familiar edge, the one he used when he was trying to get under Carmy's skin. And this Donna comparison? It was his favorite weapon lately, a low blow he knew would sting.

Carmy's not his mother. Donna was a tornado in human form, and yeah, maybe some of that chaos lived in his blood, but that didn’t give Richie the right to poke at it. Being close enough to be considered family or not, what Carmy, Mikey, and Nat had survived in that house wasn’t Richie’s fucking business to dissect.

Carmy’s vision blurred red, pulse roaring in his ears. The next dish didn’t go flying. Instead, he barreled forward, fists clenched, ready to settle this with his cousin the old-fashioned way. At this point, he didn’t care if Richie pulled a gun on him or worse. Pain was terribly familiar, almost comforting. Hell, kitchen fires seemed like a safe haven compared to this shit.

Nat’s sigh cut through the room, heavy with disappointment. She looked at Richie, a silent rebuke in her eyes because they both knew he’d crossed the line. But before anyone could say a word, Carmy lunged.

Chaos erupted.

"FUCK you!"

"NO, FUCK YOU!"

"FUCK. YOU!"

"FUUUUUCK YOU!"

Carmy’s face burned crimson, spit flying as he shouted, veins bulging as his fists started wildly swinging. Richie shouted back, his own rage flaring, but the others scrambled to keep them apart. This wasn’t new, this kind of explosive back-and-forth had been a regular occurrence since The Bear’s opening night. It felt like no one had a clue how to break the cycle. Talking things out without using insults? Seemed as impossible as a quiet dinner at the Berzatto household.

And now Sydney was gone.

Her absence heavily loomed over the restaurant like a monstrous and depressive storm cloud. When she’d joined The Beef, her sheer presence alone had brought a strange, steadying calm to Carmy, like a balm he didn’t know he needed. People assumed he’d be wrecked over Claire, but no. Claire had been easy to cut loose, a chapter finally closed. Sydney, though...

She was the pulse, the heart.

And she deserved better.

That’s what stung the most: knowing she’d left because Carmy couldn’t lead with anything but intensity and suffering, the only ways he knew to show passion. In some ways, Richie’s dig wasn’t wrong----- he was more like Donna than he cared to admit.

Eventually, the terror subsided. Spent from his rage, Carmy retreated to the quiet shame of cleanup, his baby blues fixed on the mess he’d made. Richie stepped out for a smoke, and the rest of the crew worked in tense silence, sweeping glass, picking up silverware, resetting the space. Carmy’s compulsion for order wouldn’t let him leave the destruction unchecked. Yet, as he gathered his things at the end of the night, the weight of it all pressed down on him. The yelling. The fights. Sydney.

A thought struck him: she hadn’t just left. She’d been poached. By some piece of shit, fake ass friend of an old colleague who’d seen her worth before Carmy could fully show her how much she meant. The idea of poaching her back crossed his mind, but he needed someone to back him up on it, to say it wasn’t the worst idea in the world.

He glanced over at Billie, hesitating. His voice came out softer than it had been earlier.

“Uh, hey… What were you gonna say earlier? Before you cut yourself off?”

He didn’t want to be shitty, but it was an effort. Listening, sitting with someone else’s emotions; it was a skill he still had to work at.

" i don't think ( ... ) that's what she said , i think .. " they're letting out , wondering if they should even continue that thought - would it be like betraying sydney if they were to tell her business to the rest of them ? excluding carmy , of course . " nevermind , forget i said anything . " billie's words come out as something quick , shaking their head - nose scrunching as their arms are crossed against their chest , watching the shitshow right in front of them .

they're somewhat contented , although , leaning against the wall as they're watching everything unfold , it really makes billie feel bad for carmy - mostly because they knew how much she really meant to him , even if he didn't say it . which was something that they were observant of , but they weren't commenting on their alleged relationship solely for the sake of professionalism in the workplace , something they really knew all too well , in fact . ( thanks to their advanced years of working in an office , they have no idea why they'd leave that for the food industry , but there they are . )

billie does feel bad to see carmy like this , they really do . it's not his fault that this is happening , however , they feel like instead of acting this way - he could celebrate a new beginning , however , they know that it's not going to end up that way & nonetheless , billie would have to keep silent on their own opinions following the concern riddled on their face . the more he goes on , the more they notice that his voice is audibly cracking - that's where they feel even worse , to know that he's hurting & they can't really do anything about it because of their semi close friendship to sydney , which , they've already celebrated that new beginning with her beforehand . a sigh left their lips , head swung along the wall , wondering how long this tirade would happen , not that they were tired of it , but they just wanted to have some sort of civil conversation with him & hopefully calm him down , if they could .

with every tenor of his voice becoming more & more , it makes them flinch - even more so than they did when they stepped inside of the kitchen , taking note of the mess . the impact of sydney's departure really fucked him up , they can see that now - & that's why they aren't saying anything else on the matter because they know that it would make him unravel even more , that's not something they want from him , at all . who cares if he's an asshole ? billie still has a big enough heart to care about their boss , they wouldn't want anyone to go through what he's going through .

the question looming around in the air , it really makes billie think . she didn't bail , she didn't do anything that convinced her of much , or so they thought . words bringing billie back to the reality of things , swallowing that dry lump that's forming in their throat , contemplating on what to say , really . if they were to object , would it hurt his feelings anymore than the whole thing did ? if they were to just sit back & watch this all crumble down , would they feel better about themselves ? probably not .

billie feels like they can't even say words to him , much less even interrupt his train of thought to say something in common retort because they don't want to get into an argument with him , not when he's like this - it's like he's some newfound monster that's just been awakened for the first time , searching for that first bit of food to merely survive .

thing is , billie does feel some sort of compassion for carmy , not because of this whole thing that they're watching & would gladly call it a temper tantrum , but it's because carmy's lost a part of himself that he didn't know that he had until sydney came along & changed his world completely , it seemed . that gleam in his eyes , the short lived smile on his face , the way that he was calmer in her presence because she made things calmer for him - because she understood him in ways that no one else could .

a short lean over , billie's clearing their throat , attempting to meet the gaze of richie in their presence - contemplating on if they should even bring it up or even ask the question that's currently on their mind & if it would make some difference - but they know that it wouldn't .

" should i try & help clean up ? " they're asking the taller man , conflicted by the feeling they're having internally , although , wanting to distract themselves of it by doing something else instead of watching carmy emotionally torture himself - that's not something that they'd want to see , however , they can't entirely comment on it because they know the position that she was in , the one that prompted her to leave the bear completely .

watching carmy like this feels like torture .

they know it , but they can't stop watching it , it's like some godawful telenovela that they can't change or get their eyes off . billie knows how much sydney meant to the bear , how much she meant to carmy himself , though , was it worth throwing everything away that they've all built ?

the more they watch this , the more it feels like their own heart is breaking , like it's their own breakup happening , but it isn't . it's his & all they want to do is make him feel better - nonetheless , they know that they can't because the only person that he trusts completely is gone .

[caarmys]

just a couple reminders:

if i post a starter for mxm romance only, please do not reply with a female muse. if it's open for platonic and familial things, obviously you're good there, but don't be weird. i truly can't remember the last time i wrote some straight smut as it bores me nowadays.

all my rp blogs are sideblogs so i cannot follow back. i still interact with people i find in the tags if they're open to it because i don't care about being mutuals, i'm old and tired and will yap to whoever, i don't care. but if you're mutuals only then sorry, i literally cannot follow back and i'm not remaking any blogs because i prefer everything to be under one personal main.

[caarmys]

Jeremy Allen White Pops Beers Without an Opener | Vanity Fair

[caarmys]

jeremy allen white + photographed by christopher anderson link to article

[caarmys]

[caarmys]

the bear social media au — completely, 100% inspired by @miredball

[caarmys]

ok but in chef world this is like carmy asking sydney to marry him

[caarmys]

carmy surprise dropping a partnership agreement contract on syd like he tryna force her into marriage has me 💀

[caarmys]

the original got deleted but i finally managed to find a screenshot of the tweet that’s been living in my mind since july of last year

[caarmys]

THE CARMY TATTOOS 😭😭😭

(source)

[caarmys]

The best ship dynamic is actually just. "I love you and it terrifies me. I'm terrified how much I need you and how much I want you to need me. I'm terrified I'm no good for you and I'm going to hurt you and ruin you and I'm terrified of how I feel when you're around me but I can't bear to push you away completely because I'm terrified to be without you so now we're stuck in limbo and that's terrifying too. I'm terrified that if I lost you now it'd destroy me and I'm terrified that it's too late to do anything about it. I love you. And it's terrifying."

[caarmys]

when marcus said 'the michael' for one of the new desserts 😭😭😭😭

[caarmys]

that ship is toxic to YOU. to me it's a complex, multi-layered, essay-worthy dynamic that'd take numerous hours to dissect (during which i'll spend crying screaming tearing my hair out)