caerhn

[caerhn]

ningguang : beidou why are there little handprints on the ship ?

beidou : kazuha why are there little handprints on the ship ?

kazuha : because i have little hands

beidou : because he has little hands

© to sithzuko

[caerhn]

venti : rock paper scissors for braincells

paimon : bet

traveller : if it's a tie I get it

[caerhn]

*xue meng sneaking out*

moran : where are you going? five words

xue meng, pauses and starts counting on his fingers : out... for.. a.. walk... bitch.

[caerhn]

robber : give me your wallet or I'll shoot

langa : no

robber : what do you mean no?? im serious I'll shoot you

langa : let me repeat myself. hell no

robber : um...okay I guess

langa : aren't you gonna shoot me?

robber : I don't know this has never happened before

langa : well until you do, wanna grab a bite? I'm starving.

[caerhn]

moran : *puts raisins down xue meng's shirt and runs away* aHAHAHAH

xue meng : come back here you little-!!

moran : what are you gonna do? stab me?

xue meng, pulling out a knife : what am I gonna say? no?

[caerhn]

joe : do you trust me

cherry : of course, I'll always trust you

[a few minutes later]

cherry : I can't find the remote, are you sitting on it?

joe : no

cherry :

cherry : stand up

[caerhn]

There’s something that I’ve been wanting to articulate about the hualian relationship for a while, specifically the early hualian relationship, so let me see if I can find the right words for this.

The way Hua Cheng presents himself as San Lang is important. Without his pov, it’s impossible to get direct-direct confirmation, but the whole scene reads to me like he’s presenting himself in the most nonthreatening and appealing way that he can figure out. He’s young, but not child-young, but still young enough that Xie Lian might not want to let him go wandering off on his own (but also not young enough that Xie Lian will feel obligated to take care of him as an adult). He doesn’t put himself forward so hard that he looks suspiciously pushy, but he’s also more than happy to help Xie Lian out the moment Xie Lian hints that he’s mildly curious about something.

(side note, I have to wonder how much he xuan had to endure re: hua cheng workshopping disguises over the years before xie lian finally showed up and put him out of his misery)

And Hua Cheng gradually lets more and more of his real personality show, especially as Xie Lian persistently declines to scold him for being mean or insist that he show Fu Yao and Nan Feng respect or anything like that. Banyue forces his hand sooner than he would have preferred, but also Xie Lian has pretty solid observational skills on his own and was already drawing certain conclusions by that point. But the initial San Lang disguise still fascinates me, and I can’t let it go.

I think the way I’ve described it before is that Hua Cheng shows up, presenting himself as appealingly/nonthreateningly as possible, and completely ready to amputate any parts of his personality that Xie Lian doesn’t like. Fortunately, he’s thwarted by the ways Xie Lian has grown up over the last eight hundred years, and how much Xie Lian genuinely likes him and likes being around him. Then the final nails in the coffin are Xie Lian being very *shrug* about any ulterior motives Hua Cheng has about approaching him, and Xie Lian directly expressing that he’d rather see San Lang’s real face than a mask, even if the mask is prettier (is this a literal face or a metaphorical face? por que no los dos?). But also, I think there’s an element of grief to this whole early meeting that I completely missed until now.

They spent eight hundred years apart. Hua Cheng died as a teenager, and got very little post-death time with Xie Lian before they were separated, and then he spent eight centuries as a ghost, where he fought for power and took on responsibilities as the ruler of the ghost city. Whether he wanted to or not, he’s grown up. And he grew up without anything but the memory of Xie Lian in his life. He became the adult that he is… on his own.

And at first I was only thinking that if he’d had the option, he would have happily shaped his entire personality to be whatever Xie Lian needed/wanted him to be, and then belatedly remembered… he already did that. He already tried to do that once, as Wuming. He was perfectly willing to be treated coldly and have his attempted expressions of support rejected, and in the end, he didn’t hesitate to sacrifice his own existence as soon as Xie Lian started regretting something that he’d set in motion. I don’t want to say that he was “hiding” his true personality there, but it does demonstrate how completely willing he was to subordinate his own sense of self to whatever he thought Xie Lian wanted him to be.

But after eight hundred years, where he’s one of four ghost kings, and where he rules a city with subjects who look up to him and rely on him, he… has a sense of self. He’s grown up and his personality has settled into place, and it’s no longer possible for him to mold himself the way he wanted to before, because it’s over and done. I do think he’s still perfectly ready to remake himself into whatever Xie Lian wants him to be, however unhealthy that process is, but that’s a different thing. 

Fortunately, it doesn’t come to anything, because Xie Lian likes him very much the way he is, thank you very much, even the uglier parts of his personality, like the way he treats Xie Lian’s heavenly friends. Now, it takes time for Hua Cheng to really become confident that Xie Lian means what he says, and that he does just want to know who Hua Cheng really is, and when he introduces himself as San Lang, he doesn’t have any way to know that’s the case at all. So I think their early interactions really do have that underlying element of preemptive grief, because Hua Cheng is trying to sound out what kind of person Xie Lian would most like him to be, while also mourning that he wasn’t able to grow up organically shaping himself into that exact person, the way he once wanted to.

[caerhn]

my emergency survival kit is just gonna be a dog. maybe a bandaid.

[caerhn]

“mom im bleeding”

“oh sweetie there’s no need to be worried that’s just a sign that you’re becoming a woman”

“thank god, i was really starting to get worried about this axe in my shoulder”

[caerhn]

tv shows with time travel organizations/bureaus/police/agencies/whatever should have a department with instead of a tech genius eating candy, it’s a harried seamstress or fashion designer who is like

“1450 italy? does it look like I have the time to dye you wool? nO. YOU’RE GOING TO THE 1980s”

and throws shoulder pads at the hapless time agent

[caerhn]

@eming-wants-headpats

i know what you’re going through i read the perks of being a wallflower 

[caerhn]

My Child is Neurotypical

So I made a few…dozen…posts on twitter about my experiences being neurodivergent. They’re a roughly 60/40 split between being autistic and having adhd with heavy overlap. They take the form of a parent in denial saying “My child is neurotypical” and the response of “Your child is X” where X is a common neurodivergent experience phrased as if coming from a teacher.

(I’ll be updating these as I make more)

Classroom

Your child was a pleasure to have in class

Your child can’t focus unless they’re playing with something

Your child has awful handwriting

Your child is tapping their foot through class

Your child just needs to apply themselves. They can clearly do the work but keep making silly mistakes

Your child had a breakdown over not getting all their homework done

Your child is quiet and struggling to stay on task

Your child thinks school was indistinguishable from torture but struggles without the structure

Your child needs outside structure or they can’t figure out what to do first

Sensory - Sound

Your child hears the CRT TV noise (double this if they hate it)

Your child needs to cover their ears any time you use a blender

Your child wants to know where that buzzing is coming from

Your child can tell if the fridge has been opened recently from the other room

Sensory - Touch

Your child can’t wear rough or slippery fabrics

Your child hates any texture beyond flannel (any other distinctive texture works too)

Your child hates tags on clothing

Your child overheats in thick socks

Your child wears sportswear but hates sports (@checkerfired1 on twitter)

Your child thinks water has a strange texture

Your child finds showering exhausting but also doesn’t want to get out at the end

Your child can’t stand the feeling of oil on their skin

Sensory - Light

Your child sat in the dark from noon til sunset before starting their day

Your child thinks sunlight is ‘too much’

Memory

Your child forgot they were hungry halfway through making dinner

Your child has had midnight new years pass by because they forgot to wait for it

Your child can’t keep a grasp on time

Your child is confused about how it’s already evening

Your child has over 50 tabs open in chrome

Your child can only ‘wing it’ because they always forget what they planned to say

Your child made a list of what they needed to do and forgot to check it

Your child came up with a ‘my child is neurotypical’ post but forgot

Stimulation

Your child can’t focus without background music

Your child thinks everybody is exhausted after conversations

Your child drinking caffeine is like a roulette wheel in its effects

Your child struggles thinking while seated

Your child likes to constantly be chewing on something

Your child finds crowds overwhelming

Your child finds existing at night less exhausting

Sleep

Your child is reading this in the middle of the night

All of your child’s friends live on the opposite side of the world because they can’t maintain a traditional sleep schedule

Your child had midnight new years pass by because they’re normally awake well past then even as an adult

Your child has trouble quieting their brain to sleep

Dyspraxia

Your child is extremely klutzy

Your child’s phone typing is riddled with typos

Empathy

Your child felt guilty for bumping into the table

Your child is painfully uncomfortable watching shows with awkward situations

Your child cries even thinking about somebody being in pain

Your child is extremely trusting with new people they just met

Emotions

Your child has lots of mood swings

Your child hates compliments because they’re sure they’ll disappoint and alienate anyone who thinks anything good about them (from @MaebyIsSweet on twitter)

Sharing

Your child shares extremely personal experiences with people they just met

Your child can talk for hours about the same subject without getting tired

Communication

Your child learned nonverbal communication from the family dog/cat

Your child gets frustrated because people can’t understand them

Your child has been discussing the same topic for 30 minutes without taking a break to breath

Your child tends to speak repetitively - they may feel somewhat scripted

Your child feels like an alien sent to observe humans

Your child cries when instructions aren’t clear enough

Your child communes with animals because they make more sense than people

Your child doesn’t see the point of small talk

Your child finds comfort in the scriptedness of small talk

Your child is anxious about misreading people’s intentions

Your child is anxious about contacting somebody because they think it’s too last second

Your child gets frustrated when instruction manuals skip steps

Your child is constantly anxious about misunderstanding

Your child needs subtitles to hear anything

Your child has times they struggle to make words

Consistency (Anxiety)

Your child asks for the same meal every time they come home

Your child watched a single movie more than 3 times in one day

Your child feels anxious watching new movies or tv shows

Your child nearly has a stress breakdown if plans change last second

Your child’s anxiety spikes every time you ask them a question

Your child has a favourite song they’ve listened to for a week straight

Your child finds split second decision making stressful

Your child gets anxious if they don’t exactly follow their daily routine

Masking

Your child can pick up accents easily

Your child grew up wishing they could just go live in the forest away from people

Your child gets anxious when you ask aabout their day

Your child emotionally relates to fictional characters more than real people

Your child has said ‘I just don’t have the energy to act human right now’

Your child has described people as ‘just too much’

Your child was so ashamed of being different they tried to reshape their personality so people would like them

Misc ones I haven’t really sorted yet

Your child is protective and doesn’t like anybody new coming into their room

Your child wishes it was easier to get up and do what they need to

Your child is confused by how other people relate to their gender

Your child thinks their functioning is an inconvenience to people

Your child is either ‘on’ or ‘off’ and there is no in between

Your child gets stuck in excitement feedback loops with their friends

Your child is convinced they just aren’t working hard enough

Your child is on their third hobby this week

Your child spaces out randomly during the day

Your child considers every step of getting dressed an individual task they have to do (from @sisi7304 on twitter)

Your child differentiates between food they like and food they think is good (@sweetmoonpigeon on twitter)

Your child has severe imposter syndrome about whether they’re neurodivergent ‘enough’

Your child isn’t sure what they’re supposed to do to be a man or a woman

Your child’s fingers and toes change colour in the cold

[caerhn]

Doing your best doesn’t mean burning yourself out.

Doing your best varies day to day, and even hour to hour.

Doing your best one day, is different to your best another day.

Doing your best one day, may include doing all of your chores and work.

Doing your best another day, may include just showering.

Doing your best another day, may be just waking up.

Doing your best varies, especially if you are disabled and/or mentally ill. 

Please be kind to yourself….

[caerhn]

make peace with the fact that not everyone is meant to be in your life forever. some people are only temporary, and that’s okay. feel the pain of loss, grow from the experiences they gave, and then cherish the memories made. don’t worry; you will find your forever people.

[caerhn]

I read the comments and laughed so hard I think I broke my neck. petition to draw fengqing in indian attires though.

mu qing & feng xin, the gods of cockblocking

[caerhn]

bruh the irony 💀💀

I tried to make a sexual identity generator but it’s glitchy and I’m not sure how to fix it.

[caerhn]

Chuuya Wants His Hat Back