caeslxys - Tumblr blog

[caeslxys]

“i will not let you go”/“what if i’m holding you back?”

yes i’m late on this one. woops

[caeslxys]

I actually think there's something deeply resonant in that within fcg and frida's search of purpose and community and proof of what it means to have a soul that they not only found love in each other but that frida will find grief. which is just as much a part of the soul as love

[caeslxys]

How do you want to do this?

—

Goodbye, Faithful Caregiver.

[caeslxys]

“i will not let you go”/“what if i’m holding you back?”

yes i’m late on this one. woops

[caeslxys]

I'm alive because they made me alive. It's the connections that I made with all of them, and it's a feeling of joy. I'm happy to do this. (insp. via @igotublue)

[caeslxys]

happy thursday! i have not been able to stop thinking about this scene

[caeslxys]

F.C.G. || Fresh Cut Grass || Faithful Care Giver

[caeslxys]

fcg starting this journey with ashton. someone defined by their anger and impulsivity and lack of care for themself. anger that they use to defend the people they love.

fcg realizing, finally, that he is alive not in a moment of happiness or grief or envy, but in a moment of unbridled anger. anger that they directed the strength of toward themself. anger that they used to defend the people they love.

[caeslxys]

-Critical Role Campaign 3, Episode 91

[caeslxys]

happy thursday! i have not been able to stop thinking about this scene

[caeslxys]

here's the thing. laudna would have stopped it. if she knew delilah was about to fracture the gnarlrock. if she could parse her own feelings from hers.

and here's the thing. imogen has been plagued by nightmares for a decade. and this rock is the first bit of solace outside of her trust in laudna that she has ever had.

and laudna was just involved in shattering it. this tiny bit of solace.

and. here's the thing: laudna would've stopped it.

and. here's the thing. imogen would've stopped it. the only reason imogen didn't go is because she was specifically afraid that she would attempt to intervene and ruin their relationship with the volition before it ever began.

and here's the thing. liliana set out 25+ years ago specifically to spare her daughter. and that seemingly has not ever wavered as her core motivation. but people keep being drawn to the moon. kids keep being drawn towards the moon. and liliana is a mother. she was a mother before she ever knew she was an exaltant.

for 25+ years she has worked to "cure" imogen. the only solace she probably ever received was in at least attempting to console the kids who found themselves lured in by her same pull.

liliana begs imogen not say that they may have to kill each other. she breaks at hearing imogen's resolve. but there's kids, imogen. there's kids here. imogen. she can't leave. she's a mom.

and, here's the thing: imogen's her daughter. the daughter liliana left. or tried to leave. the daughter she only had through dreams. and imogen is working with the volition. and imogen has been her sole drive for 25+ years.

and imogen might have just been involved in shattering the little solace she might have ever had.

and, here's the thing: imogen would've stopped them.

[caeslxys]

these sure are....a hell of a bells......

[caeslxys]

I will never let you go.

[caeslxys]

You have to know that's true. (C3E49 || C3E89)

[caeslxys]

other people have said this better than I will here, but every time there's an imodna conversation, I start hearing noises about the their relationship being codependent, unhealthy.

and, look, yeah, individually? they're mentally unhealthy. they are! they're fucked up and traumatized and trying to hold on long enough to get to the other side and each of them individually struggling to believe that's even possible.

but their relationship? how much they love each other? how much of a harbor they try to be for each other, how they do their best to help each other, steady each other, even while they're grappling with their own shit in ways that make that really really hard?

of course they're not always gonna get it exactly right. sometimes, one of them—both of them—needs support. needs reassurance. needs their partner to be there for them.

two fucked up people are never gonna have a relationship where they both behave perfectly, healthily, every time. (in fact, no relationship is gonna have that, but that's neither here nor there.) they won't have a relationship that's all sunny skies and calm waters, not until they can calm their own storms.

but they can give each other the space to be both fucked up and loved. to promise to hold each other's hand while they do what they need to do to get through it, and to promise that there is something on the other side. that it's worth fighting to get to it together.

needing each other isn't inherently codependent. and loving someone who's struggling isn't toxic.

and there's so, so much love.

[caeslxys]

"Can I reach out? Can I touch you?"

[caeslxys]

and i wake up.