caitvithinker

[caitvithinker]

[caitvithinker]

a constellation like no other

[caitvithinker]

you ruin everything you touch

[caitvithinker]

yoohankim childhood friends:??!!

todays chapter included astronaut yjh pov. while he's resting in another world, biyoo tells him to imagine a life without the scenarios, which he can't do well. after some conversation (biyoo: "maybe in another life you wouldn't be unemployed. i feel sorry for captain.") he hears a boy's voice in the distance and immediately gets up and runs to grab his shoulder. as he reaches the boy, a gruff boy grabs his arm, while a small girl moves to protect the boy. he apologizes and lets go.

watching the three walk off, he starts to think. that boy who sounds like kim dokja, the gruff boy with a strikingly similar aura to himself, and the small girl with a mole on her cheek... he knows they couldn't really be who he's thinking of. even so, somewhere out there, a story like that might just exist.

[caitvithinker]

really fucks me up that kim dokja killing kim namwoon is initially played off as a joke because he didn't like his character in the novel, only for it to later be revealed that he sees his younger self in knw and is just projecting his own self loathing, only for it to later be revealed he resents that knw is continuously forgiven and accepted by yoo joonghyuk despite being fucked up, only for it to later be revealed that this is because kdj hates himself so much that he believes he is the only person who doesn't deserve to be forgiven or accepted. demon king of salvation who doesn't think he deserves to be saved. kind of crazy

[caitvithinker]

[caitvithinker]

Snippet from A Short Pause by je_te_veux

[caitvithinker]

?

look inside me, through the holes of my body and into my insides even as i push you away and scratch at your arms until you rest underneath the skin of my nails. reach your hand inside me and grab at anything that’s left from whoever has come before you, hold it tenderly, and allow me to reminisce with a visceral wanting of the way it was broken before; allow me to feel that as the only truth there is.

hold gently, as though i am but a precious gem bruited to your tastes; a pained whimper to accompany your efforts at a companion.

through an oddly shaped figure i will be accepted by your knife, dulled and pristinely molded; once covered in dirt only to shine with something that could only be described as twisted attachment.

[caitvithinker]

despite everything, it's still you

[caitvithinker]

?

i want to feel you, i want to watch as you bite into my skin and feel the pain of you molding into me. until everything of you is mine, until everything of me is yours; leaving an empty space on your bed for someone who is no longer there, though in you.

the need to be consumed and perceived, the need to be left and hurt. i stand amidst your benevolence wishing for pain, despite standing amongst your pain wishing for such kindness all the same.

felt through bloody marks and scars from the shape of your teeth, i have everything i could ever want running through my veins, resting in the you in me.

[caitvithinker]

digestible for you

chew me up, gnaw on one of my bones until it eventually cracks under the pressure of your teeth, and spit it��spit me—out. 

look away and don’t even dare to think about the pain of another meal reassembling itself for you, i know you well enough to know you would not want to see it either way. 

stand by as i mold myself again, unrecognizable and beyond any repair; wait impatiently until i am well enough for you to taste again and leave only the sound of hurriedly tapped steps to dent into me as though i am the floor you touch. 

again and again, you bite on every single piece of me, ripping into organs and veins you once treasured with an expression one could only describe as disgust. and again, and again, you discover a new flaw, something too raw or too cold or just not good enough, and you throw out the mushy mixture onto a tissue you cannot bear to touch again. 

i learn to find the slightest happiness in knowing you cannot throw me away.

[caitvithinker]

?

droplets of red stain the spots the soles of my feet once touched, a reminder of all i’ve done following my shadow through every peaceful breath i dare to take.

i love you, so i wait for you to leave; to dampen the grief in my bones with gasoline waiting to be lit. i love you, so i stand quietly as a lost dog with no other home; nowhere to go and no one to have loved. to starve alone, i will pass without a last meal from a late owner.

disgusting and dirtied, made without purpose or affection; a heart forced to pump as punishment for the mere act of being alive. i am nothing without someone to hold and tug at my leash, nothing if not readily willing to walk into an unbearable death for the one person who could bear to tolerate it.

[caitvithinker]

ib ishmael from lcb

My lover doesn’t sleep. She rests—if you could even call it that—with her eyes open in our bed, hands splayed over each other like the dead. I know not what she thinks of, but rather the feelings that swim in her beautiful mind, the fear that becomes scathing hatred to roam and fill each corner of her hollow body. 

She loses her vision the next year, sockets too sore to hold her eyeballs any longer; although I stayed. My lover has always been able to take care of herself, even when she wasn’t. She walks around the house with a chilling expression, her black world now free to be molded into any hell she desires. Her feet move slowly and carefully, as if one wrong move will turn the house into a hellfire even worse than her past, roaming through each corridor with such fervor I can tell that, now, there’s not a single piece of her here anymore.

She never leaves our home, but I know that she is gone. I come home from work, another repeating day with the same routine. Taking my time to lock each bolt on every surface of the door, I turn around to see my lover standing in the doorway; so unlike her that I know exactly what is going to happen. She stares into me as if she knows my exact standing and lunges at me before I could do anything to stop it, even if I wanted to. 

I let her tear into my throat, clawing at every limb like she knows exactly where everything is but isn’t sure which to hit first. I sigh a little in my mind, all the oxygen ripped from my reality, she won’t know how to clean the blood off the floor. Closing my eyes in exhaustion, maybe now, she will learn to live.

[caitvithinker]

?

i love you as i eat, when i drink, through my words.

i love you and it is written in my fingertips, ingrained and dented into my prints like a birthmark, like a death sentence.

i love you and it touches everything i do, it rots through my pen and lays to sleep on paper, i love like i cannot live with the emptiness.

but, eventually my love will fade, one day it will disappear into the mist of the air as though it never existed, and i will breathe along with it. my suffocations will be insignificant to the world, to the breeze, to the sun and the moon.

a small blip in the face of the world

[caitvithinker]

ib that one farcille fic

i don’t want to love you, i don’t want to want you. but then why are you here? why are you following them again like a dog and pretending as if you aren’t hoping for anything? why are you sitting there and silently crying at the thought of them not wanting you, embarrassment seeping into your bones as you berate yourself for even thinking to believe they could choose you? 

you chant strings of nonsense to try and convince yourself it’s not real, that you don’t care as much anymore, and then you find yourself back at their side as if nothing had ever happened. is to love not to hope, to believe, to want? are you not in love?

[caitvithinker]

yoohankim horses. yoo joonghorse, kim horseja, and horse sooyoung ..

[caitvithinker]

ehhhh

i can see it. 

in the way that you look away a little too quickly, the way that your tone sharpens around me, that expression you make when you see me. you are tired of me, tired of my uselessness and my inherent lack, exhausted by the sound of hollow plastic echoing every time you touch me. a broken record, i beg you to stay again and again but yet i am still unchanging in the same way you have always disliked of me.

your love for me depletes slowly but steadily, an acknowledgment of the eyes that look through you, you begin to realize i was looking at the person you reflect. 

i truly did love you, to some extent. i loved the feeling you gave me, the way you brought me back to the happiest times of my life, the way you reminded me of someone else; i loved you.