calamitysam

[calamitysam]

On mourning

There are so many chapters of motherhood. 

I’ve known that I’ve wanted to be a mother since I was a child. I’d make believe that I had three kids - I’d grocery shop and do their laundry. I’ve always imagined a family. I couldn’t wait to be pregnant and have a belly. And when it really happened it was surreal. And incredible. And beautiful. Pregnancy was an awe-inspiring experience, teaching me the true miracle of life. Labor and delivery was both the hardest and best thing that I’ve ever done. There’s nothing like having a newborn. The baggy knees, shrill kitty cries and sweet smells. Though you’re tired, you’re happy. I tried so hard to live in each moment. 

I knew we’d have another baby, so I didn’t have to mourn any of those chapters. But once I had our second love bug, it hit me like 5 tons of bricks. I knew in my heart that our family was complete, but it didn’t make the realization of closing that chapter any easier. The thought of never feeling another movement inside of me was crushing. That joy of growing a life, feeling it move. The anticipation, excitement, love. Gone. It took me a long time to feel peace. 

Now that my baby is a toddler, I had to mourn the fact that I’ll never nurse another baby. I’ll never share that new connection. Breastfeeding chapter, closed. But what I’m learning is that there are more chapters than these. Each one is new and exciting and each one will have to end. But there will always be more. And most importantly, it’s okay to mourn the end of these stages. You, me, we are not alone. Love where you and where you’re going. All of it is a season and seasons change. And those seasons always lead to beautiful, new growth.

[calamitysam]

About the backseat

It’s funny how priorities shift. Babies. Exercise. Sleep. Work. You. Something that was once so important seems...less so. Sometimes not even intentionally. Sometimes for the better, greater good. Sometimes not. 

I’ve been a writer for nearly my entire life. It’s always been one of my greatest joys and accomplishments. It’s why I started this blog. I didn’t care who was reading it. It was just a way for me to speak. And then I just stopped. It got swept away with my time, with raising toddlers and working full-time. With the present and projects. I’m gradually crawling back into all the things that make me happy and finding new things {yoga} that I never knew existed. So after being gone...I’m back. Sweet apologies for my absence.  

[calamitysam]

Laziness = leaving a Lego in the shower for a week and a half.

[calamitysam]

Is there a world record for number of times "stop it" has been said in a night? Because I think I just broke it.

[calamitysam]

Yesterday was a really good day. Brought to you by: most of them are not.

[calamitysam]

I guess I just had to wait a year for my daughter to sleep through the night. Except for now it’s to the point that I don’t sleep through the night when she does. So there’s that. Which leads me to wonder if I should just have another baby while I’m used to these shenanigans. This is where I’d like you all to talk me out of this wonderment. Seriously. Talk me out of it.

[calamitysam]

Yep, this is what went to work today.

[calamitysam]

My one-year old may not be the angel that I originally hoped thought she was.

[calamitysam]

Is it cynical of me to assume that every person standing on a corner asking for money is not, in fact, in need of money? Like you have a nicer jacket than I do, homie. And I can see right through your backpack that's filled with water and your house keys.

[calamitysam]

[calamitysam]

Don’t cling to a mistake just because you spent a lot of time making it.

Anonymous (via wnq-anonymous)

[calamitysam]

All cruelty springs from weakness.

Seneca (via fyp-philosophy)

[calamitysam]

It’s a little heart-warming when one of your high school boyfriends announces his 9-year wedding anniversary to the girl that he cheated on you with. 

[calamitysam]

When your son wakes up with ANOTHER fever...

[calamitysam]

[calamitysam]

Do you ever catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror, and maybe it’s the lighting or the angle because the 99 other times that you looked at yourself you looked normal, and see yourself as an old person? Er the actual age you are? I mean, I’ll be fine with the reflection that I see 9 times out of 10 then super randomly I’ll look in the mirror and see my mom; all my grey hair, the crow’s feet beneath my eyes, the way my skin sits on my chest now. Like I’m almost 36. For the most part (not the physical excursion part), I feel like I’m in my early twenties but in these instances I can see the 35 years of wear. It trips me out. And makes me start a list of products and procedures that need to be in my near future. 

[calamitysam]

Someone in our neighborhood is having a "moveing" sale. C'mon.