call-me-jennn

[call-me-jennn]

Too much to write about so here's the summer latelys recap in photos:

Miami trip for Mary's bachelorette

Post finals/finished the program

Mama and Papa in SD for my pinning ceremony

Driving to my last board exam

Trip home to SEA for Baby Ellie's baby shower party, where I worked as an employee

Finally getting to hold my grandma's hand again

Chicago with my favorite person

BLACKPINK concert, where I cried (my outfit is Rose in toxic till the end)

We're now obsessed with Korean spas

Too many events to talk about, so I'll just say that it's been a very busy and wild ride and we can just fast forward to the present.

[call-me-jennn]

I absolutely killed it in clinicals last week. I was doing so well that at two separate points of me answering questions, my instructor and the doctor gave me fist bumps.

Oh and also I’m blonde. It might be the source of my powers.

[call-me-jennn]

latelys.

I came home one weekend after a productive morning errands date. I sat at the table eating my breakfast and looked around the apartment. What a shit hole. I started getting irritated, but it’s the least of my worries. I have so much going on right now.

My externship will be starting up again soon, hopefully. I’m just waiting for the school to complete the paperwork and set up the registration so I can start. The longer it takes for them to process everything, the less time I’ll have to complete my hours. The manager is requesting we work weekend night shifts, which is okay with me. I don’t usually plan on wild weekends while I’m in school. But I’ll lose a day of the week recovering from the night shift.

Under the externship we’re only allowed to work 120 hours. After we’ve completed our hours we’re not allowed to work in the hospital through the school. But the unit still needs help with small tasks like restocking and sterilization, so the manager has asked us to onboard as volunteers so that we can work under the hospital. This way when we’re finished with 120 hours of free labor as externs, we can work for free some more as volunteers. I know that sounds bitter, but I’m grateful. I love it there. And it’s just one more thing to add to my resume. And this unit notoriously hires their externs, so I’m saying yes to anything they ask, because it’s a great hospital. The onboarding is a super long process with its endless paperwork, orientation modules and Tb test to schedule. It’s all on my to do list.

The 2nd year of my program has just begun and we’re all worried. The workload seems to be lighter, we only have two courses this semester in addition to our clinical versus the three we had the last two semesters. Our lab class also only has one lab day, not two. Unfortunately, one of our classes is taught by our least favorite professor, who I feel is just incompetent. We, as a cohort, attempted to go to our program director about her. She’s not just a poor instructor, she straight up teaches us misinformation. And when we try to argue with her, she only doubles down. One time, in lab, when I was arguing with her, she told me not to try and use logic to explain things. I almost lost my shit. AND I WAS RIGHT. I find the best way to go about her class is to completely ignore her and just read the book. That’s how I aced her class last semester that a lot of people almost didn’t pass.

In our course that has a lab, there are three sections. One is directly after lecture, meaning the students in that lab only have to be on campus two days. The other sections are in the morning or afternoon on Fridays. I tend to have a later registration so I wasn’t originally able to get into the good section and I was going to have to be on campus three days. I actually had to decline coming to my cousin’s wedding because it was on a Friday and I couldn’t miss the first day of lab because it’s a crucial day to pick your lab group for the whole semester. But the best laid plans go awry, because I unexpectedly ended up getting into the good lab section, but wasn’t able to pick a good group.

On the night before our first day of class, one of my girlfriends in my friend group sent us this long text telling us she was dropping out of the program without explanation. She sits next to me so it was especially a gut punch sitting alone without her. On the first day of class the professor called her name for attendance and asked the class if anyone knew where she was. We just avoided eye contact. The next time we had class, one of my classmates asked me where she was, and that their clinical instructor was asking about her when she missed their rotation. I went to talk to our professor for our lab to make sure she doesn’t call out her name for attendance today to avoid calling more attention to the fact that she was missing. It’s not like people weren’t already aware that she’d been missing and they were already asking questions. But I just wanted to protect her a little bit. When I told the professor that she had dropped out of the program the professor said, I don’t know if I’m allowed to tell you this, but she hasn’t officially dropped, she’s still registered for classes. I said okay and started to walk back to my seat. But after a few steps, I realized that she was registered for the good lab section, meaning once she drops there will be a seat available. I turned around and asked my professor if I could have her seat. Part of me feels a little slimy, like I’m benefitting from my friend dropping out. The professor said she would work on getting me an add code, but that meant I wouldn’t be attending the first day, I’d still have to attend my original section. This also meant I wouldn’t be there to pick my group. My classmates later told me that she ominously wrote “Student X” on the board under one of the groups and said choose your groups. No one knew who Student X was, and no one wanted to choose them for their group. So in the end, I ended up in a group with the three left over students who couldn’t get in a group. I totally got screwed. Man, this freaking sucks, and everyone knows it. People came up to me later and apologized, saying if they knew I was Student X, they would’ve chosen me for their group. It’s not like the people in my group are stupid. I truly think that everyone who made it to second year is smart. They’re just not as fast at understanding stuff and they’re not great at explaining or articulating their points. So if I think the answer is A, I’ll be able to explain clearly why I think my answer is right. But if they think the answer is B, they can’t explain why. That’s not helpful to me if my answer is wrong. They’re going to slow me down, and I am already a very lazy student. I don’t come to lab prepared to explain everything, most of the time I don’t come prepared at all and I can just figure it out as I go. I sulked for a few days over this.

So as I’m sitting at my dining table thinking about all that I have to do, I suddenly have this burst of inspiration. Maybe this lab group thing could be an opportunity for me. I really don’t approach my schooling with much of a sense of urgency. Do I study? Sure, when I feel like it. Do I come to class prepared? Depends on your definition of prepared. In the end everything always gets done. I always read all the chapters before I’m tested on it. I learn all the material and I learn it well enough to ace my exams. And that works for me, but when my classmates ask me questions I don’t always know the answer. I can figure it out and answer it well enough. But I’m not always on top of the material. Maybe this is an opportunity for me. I know my group is going to look at me to be a leader. I know they’re going to look to me to clarify any confusion they have. Maybe that I should be that leader. Maybe I should come to lab prepared and ready to explain things to them.

Hm… okay. This isn’t a crazy ambitious plan. Like I said, I eventually study all the material either way. This way I’m just studying all the material before class/lab. Maybe I should implement a system to help keep me accountable. Well my preferred system is sticky notes. A task on each sticky note pinned to a corkboard, and with completion of each task, the stick note gets pulled. A visual system and pulling off the sticky notes can be satisfying. The corkboard gets pulled out and I go to look for my sticky notes.

Where the fuck are the sticky notes. I’m looking all over in my room, searching in different bins, rooting through a bunch of crap that I have. Why do I have so much crap? When was the last time I even touched half this stuff? A bunch of craft stuff from one project I did 6 years ago? I’m so irritated. All this freaking clutter for no reason. Why do I live like this?! By the time I find the sticky notes, there’s a fire that has been ignited in me.

I’m not freaking living like this anymore! All this crap needs to go! I’m changing my life! I need to get serious about my life! In addition to my new study schedule, I’m going to purge one area of my room each week. And so I study for the week and clean one section of my room as planned.

Monday morning rolls around and I have a doctor’s appointment. My psychiatrist says, so Jennifer, how have your moods been? Stable? No sudden optimism or goal setting? Um. Well this is awkward. I try to defend myself. This isn’t an intense hyperfixation! I’m not trying to change my life overnight. I just set small, achievable weekly goals for myself that I think overtime will lead to an overall change. She says okay, it seems alright. Just monitor yourself.

Lecture/lab day rolls around. I ace my quiz, because I read the chapters beforehand. It feels nice. Most of the time I ace the quizzes based on good test taking skills, but this time I know the answers confidently. In the lab, I’m very prepared since I looked over the lab assignment and answered most of the questions in advance. I took the lead on going through the assignment and tried to give each of my group members opportunities to answer the questions, adding in clarifications where they seemed confused and explaining the answers. I tried my best to encourage them when they seemed hesitant to answer or nervous. I felt like it went well and we were able to get through the assignment fairly quickly. I felt good, like my plans were going well. I also felt a little nervous, I hope my group members don’t think I’m too bossy or anything like that. We were able to leave lab early. I stopped by the bathroom, then started walking out to my car in the parking lot. As I’m walking out, I hear my group member call out my name. I turned around and she gestured for me to walk back to her. When I reached her she said, I want to give you a hug! She hugged me and whispered in my ear, “I’m so glad you’re in my group, you’re so smart.”

So yeah, you could say things are going well.

[call-me-jennn]

songs about him - part 4.

Bear with me on this introduction because I know it'll seem like this post doesn't belong in this series. But I'll get there.

I came home one night a few weeks ago determined to speak my mind about things I was feeling in my relationship. It was just time. No more holding it in, I have to know, especially if this is going to be forever. Are you happy with us because you like me, or because you're complacent with how low effort the relationship is? Do you even like me? Sometimes I don't feel like you care.

He said that it made him so sad to hear. He likes me so much, he cares about me so much.

Now weeks later, I’m thinking to myself. He was absolutely devoted to me. He did everything to make me happy. I always got whatever I wanted. Why did I question if he likes me?

Suddenly I had this feeling, like deja vu. This conversation is so familiar. This has happened before.

Back then, I used to tell him I was afraid he only saw me as a friend.

He'd said he was absolutely crazy about me. That he was head over heels. He said there was this connection between us, this chemistry that was one of a kind, and he had never felt that way about someone before.

I said “Idk. You just never seemed into me.”

Why did I say that? Why did I think that?

Am I… insecure?

Me? Jennifer Nguyen? But that’s impossible. I'm very not ugly and I'm good at mostly everything and I'm easily the funniest person I know. I'm clever and charming. I have a huge ego. How could I be insecure?

I do this thing. This thing where I tell myself the other person doesn't care, and so I shouldn't care. And then I turn off my feelings. I get now that it's self defense but I didn’t know how much of a pattern it was with me. 

Who knew I was so sensitive. I don't remember all the feelings I felt back then and why I felt them. But am I insecure? Or just defensive?

I don't know. But I've told myself now that he doesn't care and my feelings have been shut off. I'm monstrous right now.

[call-me-jennn]

We're now on day 17 of this and...? Is this supposed to hype me up? Whoo me? Make me feel special?

It does not.

It's just not me. And I keep saying so but it seems to only strengthen his resolve to convince me. This is not coming from a place of lack of confidence. It's really just not me. I'm like a very fun, basic girly. That's not a bad thing. I like it. I'm cute and quirky. I'm NOT a baddie. I tried to explain it. Have you seen How I Met Your Mother? Ted, the main character. He's charming and a dreamy guy. He loves love. He's sweet, but a total geek. They make fun of him, because he's absolutely uncool. But he's a character. THAT'S ME.

I'm a romantic. I'm a lover of love. I have my quirks and I can be charming. But a baddie? NO. I'm not saying I'm unattractive. I just don't have that kind of baddie energy, and him trying to force it on me everyday doesn't make me more confident in myself. It just makes me more sure that he doesn't know me at all.

[call-me-jennn]

piece of his heart - part 2

"When I saw you I realized that I wasn't over it."

I think that while I get older, my naïveté never seems to get better. 

I thought that it was a joke. For awhile, everyone always joked about me breaking his heart. And though I was adamant that I didn't do anything wrong, either way, it was long in the past. He seemed fine when I saw him. I thought that everything was okay.  But everyone was so weird about the possibility of us being in the same outing. It was always an awkward pause and they’d say, lemme see if he's okay with it. I eventually thought that this is silly. He's fine. Maybe all it would take for things to blow over is me reaching out. So I messaged him and asked if we could talk. 

And he said this.

Boys… don't say things like this to me. Whatever happened to playing it cool? I think the last thing any of the guys I’d hung out with would admit is that I might've wounded them. This… wasn't what I expected. I can't stop thinking about it. If I'm being honest, it makes my heart ache a little.  I know I can be quite reckless. I know I have this way of pulling people in. I know all this about myself. I just didn't know how much it could hurt someone. And for him to say so, so directly. I don't know if anyone has ever been so raw with their feelings like that with me. They say he's soft, but what a display of strength. 

And then the conversation moved on, and he asked me, tell me what you're doing now. And we talked and talked for a long while, just like back then. 

He used to do this thing back in the beginning, this thing I was highly unimpressed by. He's a good listener and he’d work things he knew about me into the conversation. Like if I told him I was going to eat dinner. He'd say oh are you going to eat your favorite meal, rice with spam and nuoc mam? It felt like he was trying so hard to show me how much he listened and learned about me in this super inauthentic way. 

But while we were talking, he'd ask about updates on things and he remembered everything, up to the very first night we met. He said, I know you're good with names, I bet you a shot that you didn't know everyone’s names the first night we met. He remembers everything. 

I always remember everything. That's just me. And I know how guys have reacted, feeling special that I remember things about them. They're not special, I just remember everything about everyone. I've never been on the other side of this. Maybe I'm not special. Maybe he just remembers everything about everyone. But, damn. What is this feeling? Flustered. I'm supposedly heartless, but I feel so soft. Maybe boys do yearn.

There's a part of me that wants to show him pt. 1. As to say like, I hope you don't think I've never thought about things. But what good would that do? It might just stir up things. I'm sure if I just let things be, everything will be fine.

I’m fine. I'm not overthinking this at all. I'm fine. Everything is fine. Keshi concert is a totally fine setting for a group hang. Everything is fine.

Unrelated note: does anyone want to go to the moon with me?

[call-me-jennn]

yearning

In my series of romantic feelings, I often hesitated before I hit the post button. It's a commitment. Although I try to keep things mysterious, I will always know who I was talking about. So before I hit the post button I have to think to myself if these feelings are ones I'm going to want to remember, or will I look back on them in disgust that I mused over someone who is now the object of my scorn. 

It's the act of immortalizing someone. Taking the way they made me feel and creating something from it. Even if I never think of them again, this will always be a testament to the feelings I felt. Unless I delete which I try really hard not to do.

I wonder if I've ever been immortalized. I wonder if someone's heart ever ached or fluttered so much because of me that they needed to turn it into something. 

Did you ever write me that letter you joked you would send me when you were ready to move on from us?

Do boys yearn? Do their hearts ever hurt? Do you ever think of me?

[call-me-jennn]

goat-ish

At the regional semi-finals of the scholastic trivia tournament, there were three teams competing. Our team versus two other teams. The two other teams went first. Their questions were so easy! The team that won, let’s call them Team 1. Team 1 beats Team 2. Then Team 1 is playing against us. They beat us. They have this one girl on the team and she is just killing it.

Rules are double elimination, meaning that you have to lose twice before you are out. So we’re 0-1, and we go against Team 2. We beat Team 2 decisively. I’m pretty warmed up at this point. I’m getting good at using my buzzer and less nervous about answering.

Now our score is 1-1. Team 2 is out, they’ve lost twice. Team 1 is 2-0, they haven’t lost yet. Even if we beat them this round they’re still not out, we have to beat them twice because of double elimination.

Twelve minutes on the clock, the round begins.

We’re battling back and fourth, the score is neck and neck. Finally into the Bonus Phase, or the last two minutes of the game where answers are worth 2 points. Team 1 pulls ahead. The score is 6-5. It’s the last seconds of the game, he asks the last question. It’s about the beta receptors. We win the buzzer. Ten seconds to answer. We look at each other. Last second. Jenn says, the heart. Timer goes off. Answer is correct, WE WIN!

With that win, we’ve forced them into overtime! And in the overtime match we destroyed them. Our team is the Regional Semi Finalist and are moving on to the state championship!

I am the Kobe of Respiratory Therapy trivia.

[call-me-jennn]

ham học

raw doggin this because I really want to write but am out of practice and prose. Also this post is hard because it comes across braggy, so tldr; I’m doing well, future is bright.

It just happened. One day I’m just watching Netflix at work, you know, the usual. When I get a call. Then before I know it I’m at a hospital and there’s a dead body in front of me and I’m squeezing oxygen into their lungs. And it doesn’t faze me, and I’m not scared or excited. I just do it. And I’m very good at it. I hardly study, I’ve never written a line of notes. It all comes so easy to me.

It felt uncomfortable at first and I was really unhappy. I felt out of place, like such a fraud. It didn’t make sense why this was so easy and everyone’s perception of me was making me feel like an imposter. I don’t think of myself as a smart person, I just think of myself as me. All of a sudden I had these labels put on me out of nowhere.

I thought about quitting. I wasn’t enjoying it and it was too easy. Is that a valid reason? My program director was shocked because it’s not a reason anyone has ever given her. We had a long talk and she told me that she thought I’d be good in a specific specialty and that it could give me the challenges I was looking for. Next semester will be more challenging, she said.  Okay, so I continue with the next semester. And it is still just okay. And I am still wondering if I should quit. Eight weeks pass and I go to a conference to compete in a state scholastic trivia. 

That’s when it all clicks.

As I was sitting in this room full of students, listening to the moderator ask the question; I realized I knew a lot of the answers. I actually know stuff. This whole time I’ve just felt like I don’t know anything. Like the stuff I learn in class I just remember because I have a good memory. But does that even mean I know anything? Having a good memory doesn’t make me smarter than anyone. It’s just an advantage that I have. But being able to answer all those questions made me feel like I belonged there. Like I didn’t just get there because it happened, but because I worked my way to where I was. 

Being a part of a cohort is so different. Before in school I just showed up to class (sometimes), did my work and then went home. I’ve never made a friend in class before. I don’t know anything about my classmates or how well or poor they’re doing. This is different. Everyone knows everyone in the cohort. And there’s drama, and there’s opinions. There’s people who are well liked and there are people that are disliked. I didn’t know how or why until I was confronted by someone, but people thought that I was smart. A girl literally confronted me about how smart I am. It’s a long story but it was shocking to me. First of all, how would anyone know if I’m smart or not? I’m quiet. I only talk to my group members and my three friends. I don’t answer a lot of questions in class. How did people come to form this opinion of me? It’s the first time I’ve been a part of a cohort and experienced falling into rankings. And realizing I’m somewhere near the top.

Which all leads to me now. Now I’m not even just a student anymore. I’m one of the top students. And on the scholastic trivia team. And hold a position as a student liaison for a state organization. And secured the most competitive externship. I’m a competitive candidate. I’ve never been anything before, now I’m a lot of things. I'm a something, I'm a somebody. Are you proud of me?

but there's no way to stick my name in the way I could with jenntistry, so I still might quit.

[call-me-jennn]

in the throes

My apartment doesn’t have in unit laundry. The laundry building is just a short walk away, especially when you cut through the pool. All you need is a key fob to get in. The fucking key fob. 

It’s simple. You gather your laundry in the basket, the detergent pod, the key fob and the payment card and walk to the laundry building to wash your clothes. Then in 45 minutes, you go back to put the clothes in the dryer. Then after an hour, you pick up your clothes, bring it back to the apartment, and fold / put your clothes away. Couldn’t be simpler. But every week it’s a battle. Jenn vs the key fob. 

I don’t know what it is, I just always lose the key fob. It had a dedicated hook where it was supposed to be hung, but then the lanyard fell off. Now I have a dedicated marble dish, and I just can’t manage to put it back there when I’m done. 

It starts with preparing to do laundry that I realize that it’s not where it’s supposed to be. I can’t find it and I start to have a meltdown. I can’t do laundry without it. I get overwhelmed with all these emotions of frustration and disappointment in myself for not putting it back to its proper place. I try not to cry. Where is it? I search all the flat top surfaces of the apartment, my fanny pack, and the pockets of all my clothes. I always eventually find it somewhere. This past time it was under a stack of mail, inches away from the marble dish. I guess I had tried to put it back in its place, but still managed to fail, by inches. I’m get so frustrated at myself.

Then I wash the clothes. After 45 minutes it’s time to put the clothes in the dryer. Where is the key fob? It’s really a toss up where it might be. It’s a 30 second walk to the laundry building, how could I misplace it in that walk? Sometimes it’s in the dish. Other times it could be anywhere. My pockets or my fanny pack. One time I couldn’t find it and it ended up being under the bed. Another time I found it on the sidewalk outside, dropped during a detour when I got distracted by the lights and sounds of police sirens, similar to the way a dog gets distracted by a squirrel.

I can usually find the fob when the clothes are finished drying. But the process of picking up the clothes and bringing them back to the apartment to fold and put away has me focused on completing those steps. So focused that I forget that there’s another step I need to complete. Putting the key fob back. And that’s how the key fob ends up staying in whatever pocket, or on the desk, or on the dining table, or wherever instead of where it’s supposed to be. Then the next week comes and I realize I don’t know where the key fob is.

Are you fucking stupid Jenn? Honestly, I wish I was. I think I’d be so much happier if it was just stupidity. If I were just stupid, I think maybe I wouldn’t be aware that there’s even a problem. Or maybe I wouldn’t be able to figure out a solution. But it’s not stupidity, it’s just brain dysfunction. I’m painfully aware of the problem and fully know what the solution is. I just can’t do it.

I swear I’m not just stupid. If you saw me at work, or at the hospital or at school, you’d think I’m smart. I can do so many things, I can solve problems and I can come up with creative solutions. My brain is a Ferrari. How can I be defeated weekly by a stupid key fob? My brain is a tricycle. Albert Einstein said the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. I’m insane. This key fob destroys my self esteem every week. I’m reminded every week how useless I am. I have a good memory. I don’t take any notes in school because I remember everything. But I can’t remember to put back the key fob.

During this past weekend’s meltdown, he, as he does every single time, hugs and gently consoles me. It’s not a big deal, he says. It’s okay if the fob gets lost, we can always order another one. But why don’t you put the key fob on your set of keys, he suggests for the thousandth time. My keys, which has an Airtag on them, the Airtag that he put on them. Finally, after years of struggle, I put the key fob on my keys. And just like that, problem solved.

And that’s me medicated. Unmedicated, it was this, but with everything. Forgot to pay a bill, forgot to submit my resume, forgot to take my exam. Can’t find my keys, can’t find my debit card, can’t find my glasses. Each little thing accumulates into a dozen failures constantly. And you feel horrible because with each one there was a simple solution that could’ve prevented it from happening. If only you had the brain power. For a long time I thought it was just laziness. But it’s not that I don’t want to do these things. I didn’t just choose not to. You think I wanted to be like this? I don’t know how else to describe it other than that it’s just hard. Everything was just hard, all the time. Now some things are just hard some of the time. Things are so much better now.

After years of weekly losses, I’ve finally defeated the key fob. On to the next battle.

(I know I don’t write as much anymore but this ADHD medication unfortunately makes me feel less creative. Today’s inspiration struck because I forgot to take my medication hehe.)

[call-me-jennn]

I’ve always been confident in the decisions I’ve made. I don’t really have very many regrets. But lately I’ve been finding myself wondering how I got here, and what I’m doing. What am I doing?

I feel like I’m almost in a daze. How did I get here?

I gained 3 pounds and developed adult acne and I don’t even look like myself anymore. And now I’m doing something totally new. Things just fell into my lap and I just went with it and now I’m here and this is my life. I don’t recognize myself anymore. 

I should be stoked. I’m doing well. First in the class to get the intubation and on my second try. I’m good at this. Everyone around me is working so hard. What does it mean that I’m not? I’m not working hard, at all. I’m just coasting through. It all comes so easy. Is that a sign that it’s meant to be or is it a sign that I should be doing something harder? Everyday my classmates tell me they wish they were as smart as me or “had my brain”. But my confidence is at an all time low. I’ve never felt so uncertain and unsure of myself before.

[call-me-jennn]

jenntistry (2023)

When I started in dentistry in 2014, I knew nothing. I’d failed out of college and getting the job as a sterilization tech was practically a miracle. The assistant I worked under was awful and the doctor hated me, she never wanted to hire me. But I worked hard and I was good at it. I watched and taught myself about the procedures and within two months the doctor admitted to me that she’d never met anyone who learned as fast as I did. The assistant continued to be awful, and the doctor’s fondness of me only deepened her resentment of me. But I weathered the abuse until they fired her 8 months later. With my position as the chairside assistant, I grew hungry for knowledge. I asked questions. I learned everything I could from the doctors.

When I moved on to a more modern office with more technology, I only grew hungrier. Implants, CAD/CAM technology, labwork. New procedures. I asked questions constantly. I absorbed all the information around me.

Fast forward to the present, I’m working in surgery. I assist on cool surgeries on sedated patients. I work very hands-on alongside a doctor who loves to teach, and takes my recommendations. My office has all the newest toys and technology. I get to 3D print guides and appliances that I design. I get paid more than anyone in the office, and according to Indeed, more than anyone in San Diego. I’m doing well.

Now fast forward to today. 

I went in for an interview for a part-time position at another office. At my current office we work a 4-day week every other week to avoid burnout because our office is so busy. I was looking for another office to supplement the hours because well, pretty soon I won’t be working. The interview was… I don’t know how to describe it. It felt like I was interviewing the doctor. It felt like just a conversation between two colleagues. At one point we weren’t even talking about me as a candidate and we were discussing the 3D printer. We were discussing the similarities between our offices in terms of technology and procedures. I gave him a contact for a trainer. I could tell he was impressed by me. He asked me if I was interested in a full time position. I told him the pay I was asking for for the part time position was significantly less than my current pay, not even considering my benefits package. He asked what it would take. I threw out a number. And that was just for me to consider the position. I assumed he’d balk at the number alone and we finished the interview discussing the part time position we initially discussed. Then I got a call from his partner an hour later. They wanted me for the full time position. 

I thought I was doing well where I was at. And now I’m getting money thrown at me to poach me for a position I wasn’t even applying for. I didn’t even show any of my skills. They didn’t even ask for a working interview. 

I did it. I can say I did it, right? I reached the top of my field. And if I took this new position I’d learn even more so I’d only be continuing up. I did it. I did it all by myself. I built myself from the ground up. It feels so bittersweet because in a few months I’ll be walking away from all of it. Everything that I did, everything I earned in the past 9 years. 

I could take this position. I could accept this salary and I could work this job. We could buy a house and this could be my career. I don’t have to go to school anymore. But I should. Then we can buy a bigger house.

I look through all my contacts and I wish I could talk to someone about this. I know everyone would congratulate me on this offer being validation of how great I am, and support me on my next steps. But is there anyone who understands the loss I’m feeling leaving behind all that I achieved. All that I did for myself, by myself. 

[call-me-jennn]

One year ago, today. Whenever someone asks how we met, we always laugh and say some variation of “through mutual friends”, or “through his coworker”, “at Liberty Station”. But the whole story is a little bit more than that. He says he could never tell other people all this, that he’d be too shy. So it’s something when I can get him to tell the story. Because the way he describes it, it almost sounds like love at first sight.

[call-me-jennn]

what comes next // everything after

I have a pretty incredible memory, and I think it stems from my attachment to people. I think I never really forget anything, which in a way means I’m not really sure if I ever truly get over anything.

I remember the way my patient teared up as we went through her extensive list of health conditions that led to the damage to her teeth. She said, “I’m a unicorn”. Naturally I got emotional seeing her again after 2 years and hearing that she was no longer experiencing those debilitating migraines. I had already turned off the music and dimmed all the lights in the operatory. She was surprised I remembered. I said how could I forget a unicorn?

When a relationship ends, I go my own way. I don’t look back. I don’t wonder how they’re doing. I don’t check. I don’t want to know. I’m happy and content in never knowing anything because it’s easier for me to live like the person ceased to exist the moment our relationship ended. It’s easier for me that way. I can just mourn the loss of what we had, I have no desire to watch them move on with their life without me. There’s a lot I don’t need to see and I’m not curious to know.

Because if I’m being honest, just a sighting and my stomach drops. There’s a burning in my chest.  I manage the healthiest way I can. I separate myself and I make a concentrated effort to maintain my safe space.  

Alls this is to say that: I get these senses sometimes that something’s about to happen. Maybe it’s nothing, maybe I’m just being dramatic about the 7 day Sudoku losing streak I’m on. But I feel like something’s about to happen. I don’t know how it would make me feel. I don’t want to know.

[call-me-jennn]

if it's up, then it's up

hair: blonde skin: clear, no makeup salary: raised credit: raised

thirty ain't so bad.

(I actually drafted this around my bday but I got so anxious over how good everything has been going that I felt like if I got too braggy I'd regret it. Things have been continuing to get even better everyday with more and more good news and I just wanted to share my joy.)

[call-me-jennn]

atta girl.

"But you’re happy here right? I want to make sure you’re happy. Don’t go anywhere else. Other girls — wait, they’re gone right? *looks around and whispers* Other girls will be jealous of you Jennifer. You’re very smart. You still want to be a dentist right? That’s still the plan? This boyfriend isn’t a distraction? Other places will want to hold you back. I know how valuable you are. Even when you’re not here that long, you still get so much done. *imitates the way I type fast* Everyone says it. When you go, I don’t know how I’ll replace you. But I don’t want to hold you back, I want you to go. Aim for the top. You can do it!"

I’m a last one in, first one out employee. Not because I don’t put in as much work as the others, but because I just get all my work done so much faster than everyone else. I’m not sure how, because I also do some much more than everyone else. Yet the number one place anyone can find me is in the break room, eating snacks and texting. I’d been concerned that despite everything I do, it’d be easy to assume I’m the least hard working. I’d wondered if he knew just how much I do. I didn't think so, so I secured an offer. I braced myself for giving notice and getting through the last 2 weeks, but he immediately countered.

So I made a list of all the extra duties I do, ready to negotiate. I was so nervous. I was asking for a pretty unheard of amount. He didn’t even hesitate. Then he said the most validating words I’d ever heard.

everything’s falling into place. my dreams are so close I can taste them.