callinglifehello

[callinglifehello]

I was going to ask you if you wanted to hang out. 

Liking you has been torturous. 

Often I find myself thinking about what could have been. 

Very often.

Every night in fact, right before sleep takes hold of me I think: 

“You are the heavens and the seas and the calm in between, would I have been enough?”

Our companionship, despite being one sided, has been one of the best chapters of my life. 

Under other circumstances, this infatuation might still exist.

Sorry to say, it burned out long ago, a flame without fuel.

Trampled by time and the knowledge of never being fulfilled.

I was going to ask you if you wanted to hang out, the question died on my tongue but I can still taste its corpse.

Like a coward I didn’t ask you that question.

Like time in an hourglass, the feelings run out, and it is nothing to dwell on.

[callinglifehello]

Scream into the void

Sometimes I scream into the void. The only problem is that there's no void. Only my bedroom, the kitchen, the school halways, room D105, my locker, the garden, the fields. There's nowhere to scream. And because I can't exhale, I also can't inhale. I'm left suffocating on the floor, Cigarettes after sex blasting in my headphones. Then suddenly I get some air. I take a panicked breath, desperate for the oxygen. and that breath feels so good I forget about the suffocating and the pain, if only for a moment.

But when that moment is over, I panick and fear when the time when I am suffocating again. So much that I hyperventilate and let all that oxygen in my lungs go. And before i know it, I'm suffocating again. Maybe if i held on to that oxygen, that breath, I wouldn't be suffocating yet, if at all.

I don't know though, because I am currently suffocating and the lack of oxygen is getting to my head.

Until then, what now?

[callinglifehello]

I thought life would feel different

-Me, 2024

[callinglifehello]

it started here

I've never used tumblr before. This is my first time and it may be my last. Only time will tell. I don't know anything about tumblr. What it is, what you do or how it works. But i have heard about it in various forms of media.

And sometimes i need a space where i can share everything from the fucked up place i call my brain. Everytime i start to think about my life i say a tired "nope" and immediately put on a dumb youtube video to quiet my thoughts.

I'm gonna tell you a bit about myself . Not that it matters but just to give you soem context before you read my posts.

I've pulled the short stick in life because i am a teenage girl living in the middle of fucking nowhere. Being a teenage girl is shitty itself, that's just a fact. I would deem these years the worst and best ones in my life. Those two condradicting statements are what makes it really shitty.

My life is beautiful. I have a strong and healthy body and can still eat a lot of junkfood without being fat. I know that won't be the case when i'm older because of genetics.

I don't have to pay for housing, food or electricity. I don't have a house to clean, a dog to walk or any social events in need of attending. Other than school.

But when you see all of this, a carefree life full of opportunities and so much more to discover and combine this with anxiety, laziness, a phone addiction, problems with anger and several undiagnosed disorders, you know what a joke life has played on me. All the time but never the energy.

So i stay inside, hoping that someday i'll have the energy to throw away my computer and start life as a productive and strong person. Even though i know that that day will never come.

I said before that i live in the middle of nowhere. And when i say this i don't mean the classical "i'm a sad teenager living in a small town in idiana with only a mall, a cinema, a church and a waterpark *gasp!*"

I mean that my closest neighbour west lives 1 mile/1,5km away. The nearets bus stop is 2 miles/3km away, along with the nearest grocery store and theres about 50 people living in my village.

I think a lot of people either invision that i live in africa (which i don't) or that i live in the middle of the us, surrounded by desert and mountains (which i also don't).

I live north above the equator (very north) and experience four seasons and snow. I live somewhere predominantly christian and i am going to get confirmed next summer, even though i don't believe in god.

My parents used to be super strict, and still are in some ways. But in a lot of ways they're chill. They let me have sleepovers and tries to stay out of our way during them. They drive my sister to parties they know people are going to drink at because they also know my sister is a nerd and a sportsfreak that would never drink because it could interfere with her training and she's responsible.

My parents regularly try to get me out of the house, to get me to exercise or do anything healthy. But i always manage to escape their tries.

I have five close friends. One is from my old school. It had seven different grades but there were only 50-60 students because that school was also in the middle of nowhere. My friend from there, let's call her Emma, and i only became friends in 5th grade. This was strange considering that we had been in the same school since she was six and been in the same daycare attached to the school since i was two.

She's a year younger than me which means we weren't in the same class. This shouldn't have been a problem since the grades are so small the school often combine two or three into one big class. But fate would have it, it took several years before our grades got pushed together. And after a couple of weeks we got put together for a group project and i hung out at her house that day.

I graduated from that school 1,5 years ago and now we only hang out once in a while, maybe every three months. I like being with her and she likes being with me, yet i never snap her or ask to hang out. I get scared and it feels like a daunting task. And later i hate myself for not asking her because she's my best friend.

I don't think we're best friends actually. Because of two reasons. 1. Because we're no longer in the same school so now she hangs out more with her other friends 2. We've never really been "best friends". We were each others best friends for two years, but we never really had that energy that normal best friends have. We were always just each others best option.

I have three other friends from my new school. Lets call them Alice, Nellie and Mia. Almost everyone in my class didn't know anyone when they started. Only a few people recognized each other from their old schools but no one really knew anyone else. Among the girls no one knew each other. At first i hung out with two other girls, but only for a while. It felt like i was always too much with them. Everytime i got excited they would stare, comment about it and i would hate myself. So when i talked with alice a few weeks in and we connected i started hanging out with her. She, Nellie and Mia had been hanging out since the first week so we became a group.

We love having sleepovers, studying at cafés and doing secret holidays, Secret holidays are like secret santa but for different holidays. It started christmas last year and now we do secret valentine, secret halloween, secret friendsgiving and of course, secret santa. I tried suggesting a secret holiday for every month but they quickly shut that down since it would drain us of any money we ever managed to save.

This was just an introduction, but i hope i may share my shitty thoughts with you in the future.

Until then, what now?