callmeavae

[callmeavae]

It came years later—the thought of death as a form of mercy. A kindness wrapped around all the possibilities of what could’ve been. I lost him when I was young. Others would call him a drunkard, a mere liability in the eyes of a society that views disorders through the lens of zeros and polluted marrows. They were more willing to mourn for the little girl left behind than for the life lost too young. And for the years to come, my mind would spill into fantastical landscapes of daydreams and make-believe.

The thing is, I will never know what could’ve been. But it brings an odd sense of peace to know what had been and all the different possibilities. To me, he was no drunkard—just a father. And I rather fondly remember him that way.

[callmeavae]

”This is just a dream, but very clever people can hear dreams.” —Steven Moffat

I dream of it often, of my DR and the people I know or are yet to see. The faces that are so familiar that it makes me wonder if it’s possible to have home that you have never known.

[callmeavae]

Introductions;

“Call me Ava,” is an adopted pseudonym that I only use on this particular platform. Originated from tiktok, I’ve bravely ventured into other platforms as a means of escapism and motivation. My account deals majority of things related to shifting, but I do write pretty regularly and find my enthusiasm expanding towards poetry out of all things. I’m not here to argue with beliefs relating to metaphysical and although I respect all forms of thought alongside personal autonomy, I’m not afraid to use block button for anyone who spews disrespectful spiel. Be kind, be open and above all be respectful.

Who is Ava?;

Ava is me and it’s you, it’s the dreamer that sat at the window three o’clock on a Monday morning hoping and praying for the dreams to spill between ink stained fingers into a reality. It’s the part that refused to die with expectations of adulthood and grew wings with every muttered affirmation under breath. In this scenario I would emphasize that Ava is every shifter and dreamer out there who dared to venture outside of possibility and make it into a very own reality.

Shifting;

“It’s something that requires stash of believe, hint of tenacity and heap of courage.”

I couldn’t quite put it into words that would encapsulate the whole meaning in a simple way. When I think of that place, I don’t see a movie or series, I look at it and think “home.” It is a yearning in a pit of my stomach, calling that echoes between stretches of time and space.

When I first heard about shifting, I think I was on the couch scrolling through media platforms. My first thought was “no way” and “that’s crazy.” Then it morphed into a pattern where I viewed it as something too good to be true. My mind dismissed it after a while, hand idly continuing scrolling without a pause. It would take some years later before I returned to the topic, by accident of course but this time it was harder to dismiss, I kept wondering — “what if.”

My hands shook in nervous tandem, heart beating as if it was a war drum “I did it” my inner voice kept screaming.

The first time I shifted successfully didn’t take that long, maybe a month or so. I have an obsessive personality type and I easily hyper fixate on things when feeling motivated or specially driven. Although this marked as success for me there had been some issues along the way, a lot of self discovery, reshaping beliefs and scary mishaps.

One was that although I shifted (briefly) I couldn’t open my eyes, I was too excited and flabbergasted. I think it contributed to me coming back to cr. Still looking back at it, it has vastly impacted on who I am today. It has strengthened my resolve to continue, even if since then everything has come and gone in various success rates.

“What is little stumbling compared to lifetime of walking?”

Note;

May be revised and revisited as I go. Some things might be added or removed with time. English is not my first language and although I understand it well enough, my writing may reflect that fact so do keep it in mind.