callmewhisper-blog

[callmewhisper-blog]

31 December, 2018

Well, remember that ex I mentioned? I should have known Saturday was going to be a bad day when he showed up at my work place. It was really emotionally taxing seeing him, and I really wished someone other than me could take his order, but no such luck. Shortly before my shift was over the girl that was suppose to come in next called off last minute, so I offered to work extra time to cover the shift. I needed the extra hours anyhow. Well, about 20 minutes before 10:00 pm, o get a weird text from my mum. "Can your sister and I come pick you up, or is your friend planning to?" The only thing that came to mind was the two baby rats we had just gotten for my sister the day before, to serve as therapy pets like the cat was. I called and asked what was wrong right away. "Maxine" which was the smaller of the two rats. "died...." Mum said slowly. Already, my heart shattered and I was ready to cry. "And there's more. Dutches got hit by a car.....she's gone." Dutchess is my, well... Was my, grandmother's big Rottweiler dog. She was almost 12 and extremely healthy for the age. She weighed 101 pounds and was really fat though. Big snuggle baby. I later find out that the bastard that hit her just kept fucking driving! Not one car stopped to help my grandma carry her barely living dog off the road. My grandpa and one of his sons helped her, but even with three people they could hardly get her off the road. Some guy in a fancy suit and wing tipped shoes pulled over and helped them, and he kept reassuring them that he didnt mind helping them carry her through the muddy driveway. They got her inside the hoise and set her by the fire and she passed away shortly after...while my grandmother was in the middle of calling the vet. What kind of person hits a dog and doesnt even stop to get the owner and apologize? What kind of sick person just drives the fuck away.... On the bright side, their puppy Molly has been trying to cheer everyone up and my sister and I got a new rat baby, which she named Lily, to keep little Angelina (other albino baby rat. Named after Angelina Ballerina.) company. Things have sort of gotten better since. But today is just dragging by it seems. Yesterday as well. Here is hoping for a better start to the new year. 2019 will hopefully go smoother and with less heartbreak.

[callmewhisper-blog]

20 November, 2018

The cat that had surgery? She passed away back in September. Towards the end of the month. Why bring this up now? Because it still feels weird without her. She was basically my sister’s anxiety animal, and she was my snuggle bunny when I needed one. 

The year before we lost a dog I had grown up with since I was 4 and the dog was six months old. (I’ll be 22 in July, so that dog made it 16 years. 17 if she’d just waited another month....) A few months before her we lost our 15 year old dog. He went in his sleep. Now the cat... she was 11, and the vet said we would give her at least 5 or six months more if we did surgery and at most three years. I was... hoping for the three years. 

We still have two other cats and my pup. He’s going to be 4 in January! I can’t believe it.... I remember when he was small enough that I could pick him up and carry him everywhere I went! He’s . . . much to big to be doing that now though, haha.

On the bright side of things, I go home today for a holiday break. It’s a real short one though. Just the 21st - the 24th. It’s only Tuesday, but it feels like a Friday already. 

I get to work with Kane twice this week, since I agreed to work on breaks as well as every other weekend. Though, I doubt very much that I will give him that surprise I wanted to haha. I think it’d be best if I don’t. My art skills are slacking these days.

[callmewhisper-blog]

19 November, 2018

Trigger Warning ... potentially

Alexis got her first boyfriend today. His name is Lane. (Yup. The friend lol) He’s a super sweet kid and he is her defender. The funny thing is that the two of them are so alike. He’s basically a male version of my sister, from what I know about the kid.

I hope, for her sake, that she has better luck with this sort of thing than I have had. My only real boyfriend ended up being a rapist. He was a total ass. If I talked to anyone at all, I must have been cheating on him. If I laughed at one of Brendan’s jokes, which weren’t in the slightest bit sexual, I was being sexually suggestive with someone else. If I looked upset and didn’t talk about it with him, I was being a bitch… but I wasn’t to ever expect him to open up about his problems.The biggest issue? No wasn’t a word he seemed to understand.

I had told him time and time again that I didn’t want a sexual relationship. He said that was fine, that it didn’t have to be and that he’d never push me to do something I didn’t want to. Well, bullshit. He did. But, of course he found a way to make it seem like it was my fault, so I never said anything about it until after I finally got free from his crazy ass.

By then, though, I figured it was too late to do anything. He was a marine now, he was going to be stationed in Japan for a bit and who the hell was going to believe me anyway? In the news, the #metoo stuff was just starting to get big, and people were jumping all over the women speaking out. They were calling them liars and whores, all sorts of things.

I remember my grandma making the comment “If it bothered them so bad, they wouldn’t have waited so long to talk about it.” and then my grandpa following the comment up with a mocking voice and saying “He just hurt me so much.” How the hell could I say anything, if my own grandparents were going to make fun of victims that had gone through considerably worse than I had?

Anyhow, when it comes to my sister, I just hope she never has to go through something like that. I hope she never has to be afraid for her safety when she’s out with this kid. Knowing Lane though, that won’t be an issue. He really does seem like a sweet kid. I guess I’m just worried, given my only experience.

I think I just needed to shed light on that a moment.

[callmewhisper-blog]

13 November, 2018

Today I have almost finished my Contain The Found Object project for art. I had to borrow one of Sir Chewy’s dog bone things for it. It will be placed in a rather weird looking clay orb thing with rocks and twigs and a clay snake on top. The orb is kind of like a big rubber band ball looking thing, pretty much. If I get a picture of it when it is complete, then I will try to add it on here, since my description skills are sort of… lacking.

Derek started talking to me out of nowhere today in class… well technically before class. Just asked what chapter I was on in the homework. That was about it. I told him I was on chapter three, really I’m stuck on chapter one, and that I will be doing homework all week pretty much. He said that was how his week was looking too, and then I joked about running away and finding alcohol with what's his name from Anthropology. I can only ever remember the guy’s nickname…. Flippy. 

Anyhow, the 11th was dad’s 43rd birthday, and as always it was also veterans day. The 12th was Jenevive’s birthday. I think she just turned 24… maybe 23? I can’t remember which. In July, I will be turning 22… and I still don’t have a photo ID. Sucks to be me I guess, haha.

Nancy has been having it rough lately, I’m not sure how to help her, but I know she needs it.

As for Alvin and Marsha? I don’t know and I don’t want to know. They can keep their drama away from me and I won’t mind at all.

This week has been nothing but course evaluations so far. It’s annoying. But after those we get to go back to class as usual. I guess it’s not so bad….

I’m really bad at keeping up with this whole journal thing, I’ve noticed the long gaps in between entries and I find it almost laughable, really.

Sam came over on Friday night. We played a bunch of PS4 games, took a walk, grabbed some Chinese food and watched most of Deadpool 2 before we got tired. Saturday afternoon I went home, obviously, and monday I came back here to school after my doctor’s appointment.

That’s honestly about it, really. I haven’t had much else exciting go on lately. I have a surprise for Kane when I see him next. So, I guess I am low-key hoping that we get scheduled together over my thanksgiving break.

I had asked for them to put me on for my whole break, since I really don’t want to deal with grandma. She’s been so mean lately. She has been ripping people apart and screaming at them over nothing, really. Mom, me, etc… There’s no reasoning with her, no calming her down… she’s just been a bitch. She told mom that Alexis’ friend Gena has no friends and is completely ignorant and obnoxious. Mom explained that Gena has autism, like my brother, so she doesn’t have social skills. Grandma’s response was “I don’t know about that.”  I had told her the same thing before, and she told me to stop making excuses for other people’s behavior. I wasn’t making an excuse, I was trying to explain why she is the way she is… which isn’t rude or obnoxious, by the way. She just doesn’t get when things are jokes, so she takes everything seriously. Oh, and I should mention my grandma formed this opinion because Gena doesn’t believe in God. SO WHAT!?

She’s just been so nasty with everyone and I really don’t want to deal with all of that. I know me well enough to know that if she starts her shit over thanksgiving dinner, I will open my mouth and things will go terribly wrong. So, my solution to the problem is going to work. My psychiatrist said I should work on not using avoidance strategies, but in this case I think it’s the best way to go.

In lighter news, Alexis is going to the dance with her friend Lance. They both like eachother but neither kid has the guts to ask the other, so I told Alexis that I was confiscating MY Fallout 4 disc until she asked him. She keeps saying I took HER game and complaining, but truth is…. I bought it, it’s mine and the PS4 is mine too! The only game that is hers is the new Spiderman game. That’s it. The other ones are MINE….the console is MINE. Either way, I’m not giving it to her until she asks the kid.

I have dress rehearsal for _____ (our school’s talent competition) on the 28th. The show is the 30th. The first place prize is 200 dollars, and I don’t know if 2nd and 3rd get anything or not. I forget…. I just know that I have 15 days to get the 25 language version of Let It Go memorised perfectly. I keep tripping up towards the end. I will be alright though, I’m sure.

On top of this, we have our chorus concert on December 7th. I’ve got lots of things going on it seems. Finals, chorus concert, a competition….

In other news, I think I have a serious man problem here. I never use to be so guy crazy, but lately it’s just bad. I see them and I’m just like “Whoa….”

Kind of like “DUDE” in my accounting class.

On a much more serious note, recently in Pittsburgh there was a shooting at a synagogue called the Tree of Life Congregation. I think eleven people died, and I am not entirely sure how many were injured. Pastor Man made a beautiful sermon on how hate has no place in our church, and how we must love everyone as god loved everyone, with no exceptions to that rule. He did it in honor of what had happened there, and he put a sign in the garden of the church that said in many languages, “Hate has no place here.”

I worked that sunday, so I didn’t get to attend, however, I did write to the synagogue. I told them about what our pastor had done, I told them about how, despite our difference of religion I still wish for the families of victims and injured to be able to mourn and heal peacefully, and that I hope god may bless them all with some sense of comfort in these times, because Pastor Man was exactly right, hate has no place here. No place anywhere. I never hated Jewish people anyhow, but I still think the message needs to be heard.

If it were a mosque, though, and not a synagogue, would people still react with such kind hearts? I find it sad that I have to even question that… but we live in an age where people will help anyone but a Muslim. Anyone but a middle eastern person. Anyone but a gay person. Anyone but a minority….

“For god so loved the world, he gave his only son.”  Reads the bible. It does not say “For god so loved the world, except the..” If you want to pretend you are high and mighty, remember that verse. God so loved the WORLD. The whole fucking world. Jews, Muslims, Gays, Hindus, Crippled kids, the good, the bad, the rich, the poor, the sick, the healthy…. The whole damn world. No exceptions.

We are not God. We do not get to choose what race, religion, sexual orientation or culture is right or wrong, if any! That’s not our place.

People fear what they don’t understand. Fear can lead to hate, and this year has showed that many many times in the last 10 and ½ months. So maybe, just maybe, we should stop being so fucking afraid. Love thy neighbor and all that…. It’s not a hard concept.

[callmewhisper-blog]

01 November, 2018

I met a girl named Catherine last night at the costume party. I was dressed up as a female Kylo Ren, and yes I did indeed have the lightsaber to go with it. It wasn’t one of those crappy ones either! She was in comfy pajamas. Her original costume that she wore around was a bloodied up killer of sorts. She’s like Vincent (my little brother, who has high functioning autism.) only more fun and into the same types of things I am. We talked all freaking night, until I was beyond ready for bed. We finally went to bed at about 8:00 AM and had to be up again at 8:35 to get ready for our 9:30 classes. It was crazy, but I had a lot of fun. She was nice enough to let me stay with her, as it was super late by the time the event was over. She’s a sweet girl, really. She’s 18 and a freshman. I think her and I will be good friends.

I sat right next to Derek in accounting. That’s normal, but usually there is one empty seat in between he and I. Not today though, I needed the outlet so that I could charge this and use the writing as a way to stay awake. For some reason it smelled like graham crackers in the classroom. It was kind of interesting, really. I kept almost falling asleep as I was writing this. Hungry as all hell too, since I didn’t eat anything prior to this.

Today is cold, rainy and miserable, and it’s fucking terrible. I honestly can’t wait to go home and go to work this weekend. As weird as that sounds, it is honestly true. At the same time, however, mom says Alexis has been a raging lunatic lately, so who knows. Maybe me and Sir Chewy (name I’m giving my dog here xD) will just hang out and go for walks or something. Either way, it’s a change from the normal routine.

I am so sure that I am failing economics. I have basically given up hope in trying and it no longer bothers me if I miss the class or skip it. My anthropology class is going well as far as I know, my accounting class will be fine and well once I start the homework and my art class I think is going well. However Professor was acting strange today. I don’t think she wanted to tell use that we were not quite doing so well or something. As far as my English class goes, I just want it done and out of the way.

I have to wait until next fall to take Spanish. It will be a double-spanish sort of deal, because it is the intensive class, which is nice because that helps you learn better, so Doctor Long says.

Derek is a beautiful drifter and all, but Jack is just as nice. He doesn’t really talk to the others much during normal choir, I can’t even begin to imitate how low his voice goes. It can go super low and right back to normal in no time, when he sings. He’s got this blonde-ish / brown hair and it swooshes back in a fancy little way. It’s about medium length I’d say… long for a guy I guess. He wears glasses, and I noticed that he has a tattoo of something on his right bicep, but I haven’t ever really been able to get a good enough look at it to tell what it is exactly. He has a girlfriend though, so I can’t even try with that one. I’m afraid to even talk to the guy, for goodness sake.

I don’t know if Derek has a lady or not. I half hope not, just because…

Speaking of, he just keeps looking at me. It’s probably because I keep nodding off and snapping out of it to be honest. At least, that’s what I’m hoping it is anyhow. Not that it matters much, but I think this year just blows. I don’t think I have tried nearly as hard as I should have and it’s starting to bite me in the ass. If there was a magical time machine in my possession, then I would probably use it to go back to the beginning of the semester and try again.

At the end of the day, I’m just really tired. I don’t expect to be able to understand any of this shit once I wake up. At this point, I am ranting to myself in order to stay awake.

Someone here smells really badly of BO and I know it is not me. I put on extra deodorant today!

[callmewhisper-blog]

07 September, 2018

Ron still has yet to actually come see me. (friend in town.) Meanwhile, the Brendan Jackson drama (more on that later perhaps...) is coming back to me now. I cried under my bed like an idiot over it for a while. 

I did get my old job at Taco Bell, back home, back. In exactly the ammount of time that Kane said I would. I told him, when I quit in December, that I didn’t plan on coming back... but, he said I’d probably be back by the first week of September.... Which, oddly enough, turned out to be true.

Speaking of Kane, he will be 33 on the 33rd of October. My sister will be 16 on the 13th of the same month.

Alexis wants me and Ron to get together. Personally, I don’t see that happening. I will just focus on school....and Kane....whom has a girlfriend and an ex wife and two children....sadly for me.

My luck in love is nonexistant. I’m more likely to die alone than to travel the world, lets be honest. Every person interested in me, I don’t have interest in, my only boyfriend ever was.....not a good person, every person I have interest in is taken, gay (if the person is a guy) or uninterested in me... and don’t even get me started on Brendan Jackson. It’s annoying, really. My family picks on me relentlessly for not having anyone. 

What 90% of them don’t know is that I swing either way, so maybe them trying to find me a boyfriend isn’t what I want. LOL

At the end of the day, I really am just happier by myself xD

[callmewhisper-blog]

31 August, 2018

We (me, bro, sis...) got baptized not too long ago. I’m not doing so good at keeping up with this. Looks like I get that from my mom.

I’ve been at school for a week now. Ashley is wonderful! I got into choir on accident too! (long story lol.) I also met some great people at karaoke on campus. Oh, I also met this really enthusiastic guy named Flower. (Not far from the actual name.) He’s a sophomore too.

I’m going home this weekend. Alexis had a hard time leaving me here, but she’s doing okay. My baby (he’s a dog <3 ) misses me too. Mom calls me every morning, and it’s honestly comforting. She thinks it bugs me, but I kinda like it. Sometimes it gives me my boost for the day.

[callmewhisper-blog]

03 August, 2018

Today was the 100th anniversary of my stepdad’s company he works at. There was a picnic thing for the workers and families, we got to ride a train that he got to design (which is the first of it’s kind!) and tour the whole place! It was pretty awesome. :)

I move to school soon, and honestly I’m still terrified about it. I just don’t know what to expect when I get there. I mean, I sort of do, but what happens when things start going wrong? I don’t want to call home all the time, or mom and dad will probably never think I can be on my own. 

My father (as in birth dad, not stepdad...who I call dad.) has yet to bring up anything about school, or offer to help at all. That’s okay though, because dad (step) has been so supportive. He and mom have so much faith in me I just hope I don’t let them down.

Maybe this will work out. I could get a good job and maybe see the world. I can even help give back financially to mum and dad.

For the room, which I get to myself, grandma got me bed stuff, curtains, bath mats and a shower curtain. Alexis (sister) printed out little pictures for me of Hancock, Deacon and Sturges from Fallout 4 as well as a picture of the Property Brothers. I got myself a Railroad flag, also from FO4, for the wall. Mom got me all the soap and shower items I need for my bathroom, as well as a couple other things here and there.

I’ll share a living room and kitchen with three other girls in the apartment, but we each get our own bedroom and bathroom. Perks of upperclassmen housing I guess. (I’m a transfer student, not a Freshman.) 

The other girls are all on the girl’s basketball team at the school. Jamie and Maria are seniors, and Ashley is a Junior. That’s all I know about them right now. I count as a 3rd  year sophomore, I think. Due to my credits that transferred from the community college I went to before coming here.

The Smith family from church gave me a Keurig  and a ton of coffee pods to go with it. All sorts of flavors! I also got this cool dish scrubber thing called a Scrub Daddy. I have to laugh at the name a little though. They gave me such a sweet card too! I almost cried when the money inside was as much as it was. For once, I felt like maybe I could afford the payment for the cat’s breast cancer surgery bill, which I have been struggling to pay on time for 3 months now.

The pastor even helped me get two scholarships. One through the church and one through some lawyer’s office in town. That man has a heart the size of the sea, and he loves everyone in that little church like his family.

In far less serious news, I’ve come up with the ideal man. He has to be tall, or at least taller than me. I’d prefer him to be fit, but I don’t need some buff god-like guy. He should probably be able to fix things, given the fact I break a lot of stuff being clumsy. By fix things, I mean cars, technological mumbo-jumbo, stuff around the house... that kind of thing. MUST KILL THE SPIDERS. He needs to be my voice of reason that I tend to lack, compassionate, funny, a little sarcastic, fond of traveling, must like cats and dogs, intelligent, not a fan of Donald Trump, and he has to be able to put up with my games, anime and cosplay stuff... I’d like a musical/theatrical guy.... no drugs. No excessive drinking. (I drink, but not to get belligerent, ya know?) Nothing like my biodad. Most importantly, not a douche.

Honestly, I guess I would have similar if not the same sideas for an ideal woman for me too. To be perfectly honest though, I don’t care if I never find someone. I don’t want a marriage or kids, I want to see the world. Maybe that will change someday, but I doubt it very much.