cammyposi

[cammyposi]

Totally forgot I had a tumblr, lel. How is everyone?

[cammyposi]

It’s been a while.

I know I don’t have many followers. What like, two? And it’s both people I know? but blogging has its therapeutic uses so I figured I’d come back to it. A lot has happened since I was last on here. I’ve been on HRT for a little over a month and I’m already seeing some changes. It’s very exciting! My mom is coming around and learning to accept me, and in case you didn’t know already I’m 100% out. Have been since December and it feels great.

On a more somber note, my dad passed away last month. It was really hard, I cried a LOT. I loved my dad very very much, he was a wonderful man. So full of love and kindness. I miss him so much. What hurts the most is that I know he died before he really accepted me. He wouldn’t admit it but I knew he was struggling a lot with it. He was really unhealthy though, I kept trying to tell him he needs to see a doctor because he had every symptom there is of major heart disease but he was so stubborn. I do take solace in the medical examiner saying that he died of a ruptured heart valve that took him quickly, most likely before he hit the ground so he didn’t suffer long. It also forced me to reconnect with his side of my family. They’re mostly conservative Texas folk but much to my surprise and joy they all accepted me with open arms. I couldn’t ask for a better family and better friends. I’ve lost so little in my transition, I feel like the luckiest trans girl in the world. I wish every trans person could experience the love and support that I have been blessed with, it makes me so sad to see so many of us go through devastating loss and rejection just trying to be true to ourselves.

Speaking of my father, let me give a little bit of detail on his legacy. He’s somewhat of a celebrity in certain circles, although not as much as he should be. When my dad was young, before my mom and him were even dating, he worked for a company called Creative Engineering as an artist. They are the company that invented the Rockafire Explosion animatronics show which became the main attraction at Showbiz Pizza, which later evolved into Chuck E Cheese. Look it up, it was cutting edge for its time. Nothing like it had ever really been done before. My father designed every single one of the characters himself and when Showbiz bought out Chuck E Cheese, they lost the rights to the Rockafire Explosion show and decided to run with the Chuck E Cheese name and business model. This led to my father being hired (after he left Creative and started his own company) to retrofit all the old Rockafire Explosion animatronics characters with the new Chuck E Cheese character designs.

Basically what I’m saying is without my dad, there would be no Chuck E Cheese. Think about the cultural impact that place had and continues to have. Without my dad, there would be no Five Nights at Freddy’s. There wouldn’t have been countless episodes of popular cartoons with their own parody versions of the show (Regular Show, Invader Zim, etc.). None of that would exist without my dad, and the most amazing part is he didn’t do it for the money (which he got screwed out of a lot of it anyway). He did it because he saw a chance to make children happy, to help make a magical place where kids could play and have fun. That’s my dad. He would always talk about how much he hated that places like St. Jude’s and Arnold Palmer’s Hospital needed to exist. He hated that so many kids had to suffer from cancer, or from abuse, or from poverty. He didn’t say this just to make it seem like he gave more of a shit about the world than he really did. He meant it. It dug at his soul, and his contributions to these shows were his way of doing what he could to make children happy.

Anyway, I’ll stop this here. I doubt anyone will read it anyway, I just wanted to get it out.

[cammyposi]

But on a lighter note...

I’M GETTING FREAKING MARRIED!!!!!!! <3 <3 <3 <3

[cammyposi]

Mom is going down a bad road...

Well, my mom tried to be cool about my transition at first. Now she is just being shitty and hostile. I need to get out of here asap... if anyone has or knows of someone in the Orlando area who has a place to crash temporarily until I find a job, please let me know.

[cammyposi]

What is this feeling...

I've cried many, many times in my life but it's always been tears of sadness. Tonight for the first time I experienced tears of joy. I have never felt so loved, so appreciated. I'm a mess and for once it's a good thing. I love my boyfriend more than words can express. He makes me happier than I've ever been. <3

[cammyposi]

All You Need Is Love

I’m off the market! It feels so good to delete my stupid dating profiles and finally be in a loving, supportive relationship. He came to see me last night and it was probably the happiest moment of my life! We have a connection that I’ve never experienced before. The way he looks at me, holds me, kisses me, it just makes all my problems melt away. He is amazing in every way and I love him with all my heart <3

[cammyposi]

Involuntarily Out

Well tonight got real interesting real fast. My mom found my shoes and makeup. There’s no explaining that, so I mustered every ounce of courage in me and came out to her. While she is pretty freaked out about it, she said she loves me no matter what and even said she will help me pay for therapy.

I’ve never felt so many different emotions at once… but above all, I feel relieved that I don’t have to hide it from my mother anymore and thankful that she is such a wonderful mom.

[cammyposi]

It's happening! HRT here I come! Time to finally be the real me!

[cammyposi]

Slowly Coming Out

So I came out to one of my really good friends tonight. He was super sweet and said he was honored I chose him to talk to about it. It’s really nice to have that kind of support from someone who I’ve known for so long.

[cammyposi]

New shoes and shorts! <3

[cammyposi]

She's sleeping on my bed! She never even wants to come in my room yet she's sleeping on my bed! <3

[cammyposi]

Online Dating is a Cesspool.

Why is it that guys who seem totally nice and respectful in their profiles feel the need to message me saying the most awful, vulgar things, and then after I don’t respond continue messaging me asking what they did wrong? There are better ways to start a conversation than “wanna come to my apartment and suck my dick?”. No I do not. Ask me how my day was. Ask me about something in my profile. Ask me what my favorite flower is. Show some sort of interest in me outside of your own filthy desires.

THEN I’ll suck your dick. ;3

[cammyposi]

I took this picture in my new shirt without any makeup and I don't hate it. Feeling extra cute tonight :3

[cammyposi]

Black Friday Blues

I spent thanksgiving with my dad and step mom, and some of her family. My dad likes to refer to me as “son” and he’s constantly saying how proud he is of me. I don’t know how I’m going to come out to him… It’s one thing if a family member already hates you or doesn’t give a shit, but the fact that my dad thinks so highly of me just makes it so much harder to imagine how he’ll react. Part of me wants to just get it out of the way now but it’s not the right time.

I think I’ll visit my friend who lives near here before I head home. He’s very open minded so I might come out to him. It will be the first time I tell someone in person.

On a lighter note I hope everyone had a great turkey day!

[cammyposi]

I was feeling rather cute the other day, despite my wig being a mess. :3

[cammyposi]

In the restroom, nobody can hear you scream (silently to yourself)

So I used the ladies room for the first time Saturday night while I was downtown for Pride. Even though it was at Hamburger Mary’s, a well known LGBT-friendly restaurant, I was still terrified. I hid my face behind my hair when I walked in so the girl at the sink wouldn’t see it, and again when I left the stall only to exit the bathroom to another lady who was going in. I ran right into her, and she just smiled at me and said “’scuse me darlin. Love the hair!” I was on the verge of tears, and all I could manage was a quiet, awkward “thank you ma’am” before I swiftly left.

Once I got outside, the fear and shame slowly gave way to feelings of liberation and relief. I fought the urge to cry as my friend and I walked to the lake to see the fireworks. To that lady I ran into: you have no idea how thankful I am for making my night with a simple, passing compliment. Thank you <3

[cammyposi]

First!

Name's Cameron. I've only just started my transition, but I've known that I wasn't born the right gender since I was little. I may post about my experiences with transitioning, or I may just post random things that have nothing to do with that like pictures of my dogs or songs that I like. I may never post at all. I really have no clue. Why are you even here? Go read someone's blog who actually knows wtf they're doing.